I looked out the window into the city. The sun was rising and few in this city of starlight stirred. The days were running into each other and I could no longer remember what I did yesterday. Today, I resolved, I will get something accomplished. Today, I will not wander around my house like a ghost. Feyre's house, I reminded myself. Rhysand's house, actually. The thought didn't sit well. I had nothing of my own. None of us did, really. Feyre, mated and in love, would never see it that way. Sweet Elain always found a bright happy side to anything. I decided to resent the situation for the three of us, and find some way to change it.
I thought of my plans at breakfast as I coaxed Elain to eat a few morsels with her tea. Feyre was occupied with her mate. Energetically.
The boys walked in. Boys, ha! These males, who are unimaginably older than me, had the vigor of children. I felt their life force as they walked through the spells protecting the house. With them inside, I could almost ignore the lovemaking upstairs that reverberated in my perception.
"Hello sweetness" Cassian winked at me, walking in.
I tried to come up with a witty and cutting response, but failed to do so.
Azriel, making small talk, asked about our plans.
"I've been relying on charity long enough. It's about time I start taking care of myself"
Three sets of slow blinks met my declaration.
"I'll find you a job washing dishes if you ask nicely" Cassian smirked. I gave up on wit and simply said,
"I will apprentice myself to a scholar. I want to learn more about this land - the origins, the magic - I want to know everything."
Even His Cleverness had nothing to say and instead focused on the honeyed porridge that dripped on his chin.
Feyre and Rhysand walked in, the mate smell overpowering. I debated for a minute on whether the smell was more annoying or their bond that, drawing strength from the core of their life force, pressed on my consciousness. As I sipped the last of my tea, I decided it was both. It strengthened my resolve to leave the house.
"Lady Nesta here will go and become a scholar. She no longer wants to rely on your support" with a mocking half-bow Cassian informed his High Lord, who was loading his plate.
"That's never stopped you before" Feyre commented with a raised eyebrow.
Elain took a breath to say something conciliatory, but before she could, I said as evenly as possible,
"I hope you're talking about when we were poor, and not the blood money your beast-lover paid us. Because I have no answer to that accusation, other than I would have brought you back if I could. Here is the truth, and it doesn't matter if you don't believe me. I would have loved to be out in the woods, with a purpose, away from everyone else. I truly wanted to give you the best, and that turned out ... well, what's done is done."
Silence. The meals were a lot more pleasant when I didn't talk.
If I were a scholar, where would I be? I asked myself. I set out of the house with purpose but after leaving the gate stood uncertainly. Maybe I would go to the library. But not the great one under the mountain, that's too closely tied to Rhysand. And then do what? See if anyone there want to pay me to read old tomes about magic? How do scholars get paid, anyway? I shook off my doubts. If I thought too long, I would never actually go anywhere.
The city was waking up as I walked. I could feel it, them. The High Fae, the other (I would not call them lesser) faerie, animals, even plants - all had a pulsing, beating life. On this bight warm morning, the dew still sparkling and not yet dried by the warming sun, it made for a pleasant rhythm.
I opened the great doors of the library, and a familiar energy pulsed above and then behind me. I bristled at this intrusion into what I wanted to be my own journey but couldn't stop the flutter in my belly or the catch in my breath. It was too late to pretend I didn't notice him, so I turned around.
"Lovely morning for a walk, Lady Nesta." His wings folded, Cassian somehow lounged without falling over. "I could have given you a lift if you asked."
"Don't you have duties? Armies to oversee? Work on rebuilding ... something?"
"Ah, but what could be more important than helping the High Lady's sister" I scowled "with her research? And if needed, protect her with my life?"
I scowled deeper as he gave a dramatic bow. Then I sighed. I actually did need help, much as I hated asking for it. But this wasn't asking, was it? He was offering, insisting, practically forcing me to accept his help.
"I don't know where or how to get started" I admitted reluctantly.
"Come, I will introduce you to the librarians. They will find you plenty of history to pore over. There are also scholars to whom Amren is a patron who were studying properties of magic. She's still sponsoring them, even now that she's ... normal. She could also probably help. If you're nice." A wolffish grin.
He opened the door and bowed with exaggerated politeness.
I swallowed my disappointment. Of course everything in the city would be connected to the Court, and I was stupid to expect otherwise. It was still a good place to start, I just needed to be careful what I said to anyone.
The hush and gloom of the library was startling after the cheerful brightness outside. Both the sounds and the sensation of life force were muted inside these walls. Even Cassian didn't seem to be as distracting as usual. We walked past rows of silent shelves and into a little room that bustled with activity. Relatively speaking. Two people - fae - were quietly chatting while inspecting and sorting manuscripts. They paused as we entered. The male, who was probably younger, although I still had difficulty identifying age, stood straighter at the sight of Cassian and looked him up and down. Cassian stood straighter too and I could swear he flexed. I tried to disguise my eye roll as a glance around the room. The senior female gave a cough and the males broke their eye contact.
"To what," she looked at them both pointedly, "do we owe the pleasure of your visit, Commander?"
"No Commander today, Learned" with a charming smile and an elaborate bow, "I am but a simple escort and guard to Lady Nesta as she prepares to drink at the fount of knowledge and master the magic at the very core of Prythian." There was no disguising the eye roll this time.
"Lady Nesta?" The junior male looked at me curiously.
I shook my head, "Just Nesta."
"Did you really ...?"
I shrugged and looked away, avoiding his gaze. This was becoming less and less the journey I envisioned earlier today, and for a moment I wished I could just go home. The whole point is that it's not my home, I reminded myself. I needed to find my way, my home.
"What specifically are you searching for, madam?" The senior female asked with an impatient sigh.
"I don't know," I admitted, for the second time in a few minutes. I better not start making a habit of it. "I'm hoping to learn about the history of magic in this land as well as the rules and principles that govern magic."
"That's quite a lofty goal. There are scholars who devote centuries to studying a small fraction of what you wish to know."
"She can start - you can start," the male broke in, "with some basic history and theory texts that we use in schools. Come, I'll show you"
She nodded and waved us away, turning back to her work.
Well, it was a start. And at twenty, I could actually be the age of fae schoolchildren who learn from picture books. One of the many things of which I was ignorant was how long it takes for a fae child to reach adulthood.
The male introduced himself as San (short for something I immediately forgot), and told us he was an apprentice to the head librarian. He also named some scholars who work in this library and their areas of study. Trying to catch all he was saying, I followed him to an alcove designed for children. There were brightly painted fantastical creatures on the walls that could be real in this magical land, or could be imaginary. I intended to find out.
While I was studying the decorated walls, San pulled four bound manuscripts from different shelves and handed them to me.
"You are welcome to read here or take them back to the Court," he explained.
"I'll read here, thank you." The last thing I wanted was Feyre seeing me struggle with children's books.
I found an empty table with a chair and sat down to read. The archaic fae script proved tricky, the spelling and grammar that our human ancestors used hundreds of years ago and simplified over generations.
Cassian hovered. Either out of boredom, a desire to provoke, or even a genuine attempt to help, he leaned over my shoulder and whispered the words along with me. I couldn't stand it longer than two minutes, and awarded myself sainthood for lasting that long.
"I can't concentrate with you here." He smirked. "If you're going to be here you need to sit away from me."
"I am very distracting."
I stared at him until he withdrew. I turned back to the book and worked on deciphering the beautifully illustrated history of Prythian. Although thanks to Cassian I didn't absorb anything on the first page, the Cauldron and the creation of the land, I decided not to return to it. No need to resurrect that nightmare. Then the time of gods and their wars, then their descendants the Fae. The Courts and their High Lords, the theme of each court harking back to the power of the god or goddess that founded it. If there were goddesses, how come there weren't any High Ladies until Feyre? The forest was neutral territory, but there must be powers that protect it because otherwise it would have been annexed by the ever-squabbling Courts. I made a note to look into that later.
The second book covered sources of magic and the creatures that can wield it. Basically anything magic was directly descended from a god. Based on the vastness and variety of magical creatures gods must have mated with anyone or anything that stood still long enough.
By the third book (an overview of High Fae society) my eyes started to cross. It didn't help that the subject didn't interest me at all, no matter how much I tried to convince myself of its importance. After reading the same paragraph three times without understanding a word, I gave up. I would come back to it. Maybe.
Yawning, I stood up, stretched, and looked around for Cassian. Not finding him, I tried to sense his life force, but couldn't locate him that way either. Oh well, he must have finally found something important to do.
I tried to get back to reading, but suddenly I couldn't sit still anymore. I grabbed the last book, which was a practical guide to working basic magic, and went in search of the librarians. I found San in that same little room reading and making notes. The head librarian wasn't there.
"I'd like to borrow this one, please," I said, holding out the book.
"Of course, my Lady. I'll know where to come looking if you don't return it," he laughed at his own joke. I didn't even frown at the title I hated, his laugh was so infectious.
I turned to leave and ran into two more fae walking in. They were probably also young, but again, I was no good at ages. Or faces for that matter. All fae looked alike to me still, worse than humans. I ducked my head and walked through the heavy doors, blinking at the brightness.
As I walked back to the house, I considered all that I read today. The knowledge that there is much to learn and that I can learn it energized me. I walked up to the gate and hesitated there, just like earlier today. I didn't have anywhere else to go, but couldn't bear sitting inside with all this churning in me.
I turned away and walked slowly down to the river. A large old willow tree grew over a bend in the river. When the water ran high, it probably covered the roots. Now they nestled in moss and soft green grass, which rustled invitingly from the shade. I sat down, tucking my legs between the roots. I opened the book of practical magic and skimmed through the exercises. This was a good place to practice levitating a pebble.
I found a pebble and set it on my lap, then tried to lift it up with magic.
Nothing happened.
Well, to be more precise, the pebble didn't lift up, but it did somehow singe my skirt and my head started throbbing.
In frustration and fatigue, I closed my eyes and leaned against the tree. The willow swayed in the breeze and I swayed along. I could feel the sunlight on its leaves, the sap moving in the branches. I sank deeper and felt the worms among the roots and the caterpillars in the leaves.
I returned to myself with a start and found people - fae - crowding around. Great. Cassian was shaking me, but stopped as soon as I pulled away and glared at him.
"What are you doing? Why is everyone here?" I glared at the onlookers until they started dispersing. "Do I gather a crowd and interrupt your naps? No. Because that would be rude."
"You haven't taken a breath in minutes. That sort of thing concerns a soldier."
"But why are you here?"
A green-skinned faerie stepped forward. Not High Fae ... something else. Dryad, the name came to me from the book this morning. Tree faerie.
"Lady, my tree sang for you. So I danced to its song."
"And I," Cassian interrupted, "was on the lookout for anything explosive or dangerous since you were left unsupervised. I followed the commotion, and here you were. Unconscious, I might add. I am prepared to accept your gratitude." He winked at me.
I ignored him and turned to the dryad, who was disappearing among the branches.
"Excuse me," I called to - her? Him? Mental note to ask later. "I don't know exactly what happened, but I'd like to learn more about it. Can I come back and talk to you?"
A nod, and for a moment a face hovered in the shape of the leaves. Then a breeze shifted them them and it was gone.
I stood up stiffly, grateful to grasp Cassian's offered hand.
He nodded up the hill towards the house and flared his wings slightly with a raised eyebrow. Did I want a lift?
Both my legs and my pride were tired. I debated for a moment, and then a stomach rumble decided the matter.
I tucked the library's book into a pocket and nodded. Cassian's eyes widened briefly but he didn't say anything, just held out his arms. I stepped closer, holding myself straight. He rolled his eyes.
"I won't bite," he smirked, "unless you ask."
I glared and turned away. Damn my legs and stomach, I thought, I'll make it up to them tomorrow.
"Nesta, hey, wait," Cassian called out. He held out a hand but didn't reach for my shoulder.
My legs turned back to him without much input from me. Slackers.
"Will you fly with me if I promise I won't say a single word?"
I nodded, surprising myself. Wow, I really must be tired. I took the hand he offered and stepped closer again. Without a word, he carefully positioned one of his arms around my ribs and lifted me up, to position the other arm behind my knees.
Cassian's wings flared and beat and lifted us off. I fought down panic. He must have heard my hammering heartbeat but true to his promise, did not say a word. After a couple ragged breaths I relaxed against him and reveled in the wind and the view and the motion. I realized I was laughing but the wind carried off the sound.
Too soon, we were standing on a balcony. He set me down, still laughing, and I took my time stepping away.
"Thank you. That was the most wonderful experience in my entire life. How do you not spend every minute of every day up in the sky?"
I stiffened as soon as the words were out, expecting some smirking remark about his duty to please females, or some such. Cassian raised an eyebrow at my flinch, but didn't say anything. After a few moments of looking at the city and the lengthening shadows, the laughter bubbled up inside me again at the memory of flight. And then my stomach rumbled, and I laughed harder. Cassian chortled.
"Can I talk now?"
"Yes," I managed, nodding and wiping away tears. "Thank you, again."
"It's good to see you happy. I haven't seen that since ... ever" he trailed off.
I shrugged.
"It's been a long decade." My stomach rumbled again and I suddenly felt more hungry than I have in months.
He laughed again, bowed, and as he opened the balcony door, offered me his hand. I rolled my eyes but took it and walked into the house.
As soon as I walked inside, the spelled walls closed off all sensation of the life in the city. By contrast, the life inside the walls seemed amplified. How have I never noticed this before? No wonder I was always in a foul mood here. At least Feyre and Rhysand weren't together for now.
I hesitated at the door to the hallway. I didn't want to face my sisters and the Court with all the bickering and posturing. Plus we wouldn't eat for a while yet. But if I went into the kitchen for food I'd have to charm the cook. I can't do charm. But kitchen meant food faster, so I would do what I could.
Cassian noticed my hesitation and must have guessed the reason for it, because he shook his head and pointed ahead to the bedroom he used when he stayed here.
"Come, I always have some nuts or dried fruit or jerky or something stashed away for emergencies. And I'd say this qualifies."
As soon as he spoke, I focused in on the insect life in that bedroom. Heh, I should have guessed.
I followed him in and eagerly grabbed the bowl of hazelnuts he handed me. I looked around for a nutcracker, but then realized I was now strong enough to crack the shells in my hand. Cassian joined me, and sitting cross-legged on the floor together we made quick work of the whole bowl. He looked around for something else, and I tried to figure out where his food was kept from the ant trails.
"While I've played host to many females in my bedroom," he paused his search to wiggle an eyebrow suggestively, "Food has never been the purpose of the visit."
I've never had the gift of repartee, the verbal dance of cleverness and innuendo that every conversation with Cassian turned into. Now I didn't even have strength left for a glare. I shook my head, brushed the shells off my lap, and walked out. The afternoon was a nice interlude, and now it's over, and everything is back to normal, I thought.
I had planned to reinvigorate myself with a quick bath before dinner, but even that was not enough for me to face everyone. Just Elain, then. I found her in the garden, picking at a flower bush absent-mindedly. From the scent and the feel of him, Lucien was orbiting somewhere nearby. A large tray of food was waiting for her, but Elain didn't seem to notice. I made her a plate and helped myself. The trees breathed and the animals went about their business. We sat quietly and watched the stars brighten in a darkening sky.
The next morning my legs complained all the way down the hill to the river. Serves them right for my ... experience yesterday. I had set out before anyone else was awake, the better to avoid them. I worried whether Elain would eat anything without me there, but then I grumpily reminded myself of her admirers, who would love nothing more than to see her sated. Heh. Cassian was rubbing off on me. Heh again.
Focus. I needed to focus. Yesterday was a start, but I still knew much less about the state of magic than a fae schoolchild, knew little about my own power, and, let's not forget that the decade-long tensions between me and Feyre now involved her mate, the most powerful High Lord ever, as well as his cadre of muscle-bound bats. Who could be pleasant company if they kept quiet long enough. And any focus I had slipped away again.
But now I was in front of the willow tree where yesterday I ... did something. Somehow. Maybe the dryad would help me find out more of my abilities. I parted the branches sweeping the ground and walked up to the trunk.
"Hello!" I called out softly, then louder.
A family of sparrows took off to find a quieter perch, but nothing else happened.
After waiting for another minute, I held on to the trunk and tried to listen and feel with my inner sense. I felt the warm wet earth between the roots, the dew on the leaves. I tried to find the glimmer of life that was the dryad and call to - him? Her? If this works I really need to ask.
I didn't remember closing my eyes, but when I opened them I was kneeling awkwardly in the roots and the green-skinned dryad stood over me. Yesterday I didn't notice that the faerie's torso was covered in rougher-looking skin like tree bark that faded to green at the hands, feet, and face. I couldn't see any obvious evidence of sex, although the dryad was not clothed. The head was covered in leaves where hair would be.
"You called, Lady? Or shouted? Every one of us on the riverbank heard that."
"I'm sorry." I tried and failed to stand up gracefully. "I don't really know what I'm doing or how I'm doing it ... wait, are there more of you? Do your kind live in every tree? What about bushes? Are you the spirit of the tree?"
"Lady, your power is great and subtle, but it is clear that your kind remains as ignorant as ever of anything that does not concern High Fae."
I was taken aback at that remark.
"Please forgive my ignorance. I don't know how little the rest of them - us - know, but I know practically nothing. I've been Made Fae less than a year ago. And yesterday was the first day I set out to learn about this world - my world."
A shrug? Or a shift in the wind?
"When the world was new and forests covered the land there were many more of us. The magic was more wild, more alive. Now not many trees have enough magic to house a dryad since your kind, the Fae, always put it to some use. It only in the great forest that life and magic is wild like it was in the days of old. In the city there are a few of us, mostly along the river."
"Do you know how I was able to call to you?"
"No. I only know that your power spoke to my tree, and the tree sang with joy."
"Who could I ask? About my power?"
"Lady, I don't know about Fae magic-wielders. Also your power feels different - wild, alive ..." the dryad trailed off and started to fade,
"Wait, please!" I was desperate, "Where can I go to learn more?"
My only answer was the rustling of the leaves.
I stood and stared for a minute, emotions churning. I was thrilled to somehow contact another faerie with my power, disappointed to learn so little, and wistful at the fading of wild magic in the world.
Walking away, I tried to gather my scattered thoughts. The dryad said my power felt like old wild magic. Wild magic still thrived in the forest. Therefore, I must learn more about the forest and its magic. I needed to return to the library anyway, and now I had a goal.
Thinking of the forest took me back to our cottage and how I envied Feyre every time she went to hunt and I stayed behind and tried to deal with our father. A stab of guilt. What's done is done, and no sense in worrying about it .
But the forest was also my first taste of freedom and peace, when I took that mercenary woman to rescue Feyre from the beast everyone forgot existed. Those were happy days - peaceful and full of purpose. And ultimately ended in failure, I reminded myself. And let's not forget that I was on that journey was with a highly skilled companion who knew about wilderness and survival, and had the weapons to take care of herself and me. So let's not get too carried away with wishful thinking.
These musings occupied me most of the way to the library. The breeze was still brisk with morning's chill, but I was warm from the uphill walk. Stopping for a rest, I congratulated myself on learning yesterday's lesson and packing an apple, bread, and some hard, sharp cheese. Some woods-woman! I mocked myself. Can't stroll for more than a few minutes without needing a snack and a nap.
Eventually, the encroaching chill of the morning motivated my sore legs to move. Walking into the library dampened the sensations of all the living things outside, but I had a hard time sending anything inside too. Must be a different variety of protective spells or something.
I walked into the workroom, where the head librarian worked alone. She looked up.
"Lady Nesta, welcome again. Can I assist you?"
"I borrowed this yesterday."
I handed her the book. She nodded, took it, and waited. I went on,
"I'd like to learn more about the great forest in Prythian. And its magic. And ... I couldn't do the exercises in the book. Is there something wrong with my magic?"
"There's tales aplenty of the great forest. As for practical exercises? Those are best learned with a teacher. Our High Lord is your sister's mate, is he not?"
I nodded, keeping my expression neutral.
"His power and control are legendary. You could ask for no better teacher."
I smiled my thanks and carefully asked no further questions.
She led the way to a shelf and pulled a couple bound manuscripts off. These were clearly not meant for children, with pictures and simple sentences. Deciphering these would be even harder, and I suppressed a groan. I had nothing else to occupy my time, and at least reading is done sitting down.
The bright glare of the afternoon sun and the buzzing of life met me when I stepped through the heavy doors. My head was full of tales of the forest - creatures and magic, travelers and guardians. What was true, and what was fabricated? With everything so improbable, it was difficult to judge.
I walked slowly downhill, hoping that my legs will get stronger with time so that each walk is not so embarrassingly hard. Didn't Cassian offer to make us into some semblance of warriors? I wondered if I could tolerate his conversation long enough. Maybe when he's being a soldier he's too focused to be so obnoxiously ... male. Or maybe he'll be more so, ugh. Something to consider if I wanted to take care of myself, in a wilderness for example.
I wished I could hire a carriage of some kind to take me to the house, but I had no money of my own to pay to for the ride. I could ask for money from Feyre and Rhysand. I was after all a member of the court with some made up title and rank and salary. But the comment Feyre made over breakfast yesterday still stung.
Stepping too gingerly and slowly, I considered my finances - mine and Elain's. Feyre would never lack anything as long as she lived, of course. And then I paused. She would live a long, long time. Forever is too long to depend on anyone's goodwill, even a decent male like Rhysand. Would their mating bond, whose strength gives me headaches, hold, or would it fray? Human pairs hardly ever lived in harmony more than a few years, and from what I could see, fae were no better at relations.
I would look into this, this mating bond magic, I promised myself. Especially since Elain is also somehow involved. She needed to know much more about mating bonds before she agreed to one, so I would find out all I could. Without Feyre or her mate finding out. What a storm I'd cause if one or both of them thought I was plotting to break their bond. The last man ... male to try that didn't fare so well. Heh. Would I, though? Try and break this unbreakable bond between them? If I thought she was trapped I would. Not that I would want to face Rhysand's wrath, or even his suspicions of me, especially since all of us depended on his generosity.
I didn't want to avoid Feyre and the court any longer (well, I wanted to), especially if I needed their help. With a deep breath and a silent prayer for patience, I walked into the dining room. The full Court was assembled. This was going to require more finesse than usual, and even the usual is often beyond my powers. Feyre, Rhysand, and their bond glowed before I opened the door. The Illyrians sat with Amren and her male. Morrigan was making Elain smile, and I felt an irrational stab of jealousy. Odd. None of the males inspired that reaction, and I should be happy that she's friendly with a girl ... female. Old and powerful female who looks deceptively young. And who might have as prurient of an interest in Elain as the males, let's not forget. The thought cheered me for whatever ridiculous reason the jealousy arose in the first place.
Everyone looked up. I almost greeted them with some banal pleasantry, but a familiar smirking voice interrupted me.
"Welcome, Charmer of Trees - "
I stiffened, anticipating the mockery to follow.
"Shut it, Cass," Morrigan cut in, "Can't you see she has no patience for your foolishness? Or are you too impressed with the sound of your own voice? Come sit with us, we don't accost people who haven't eaten yet."