Disclaimer: I make no claim whatsoever to the characters or world of Final Fantasy VIII, which is the property of Squaresoft/Square Enix.
Chapter VIII
The overhead lighting in the infirmary was dimmed to night-mode, the Balamb sky an inky black outside the window. Selphie's bleary eyes had opened of their own accord, but she knew it was different this time. She was no longer buried under a thick, heavy layer of fog. She had become so used to the impenetrable barrier between her body and her consciousness that she felt exposed, vulnerable, to be without it. Selphie blinked, experimentally. Her eyelids obeyed her with meek subservience.
The sound of quiet, gentle breathing told her that there was someone in the room with her. Selphie lifted her head to the side to see Rinoa asleep, sitting upright on the tiny swivel stool, her shoulder twisted awkwardly against the wall. Selphie's stomach churned at the sight of her. Wasn't there... something she was supposed to feel about Rinoa? There definitely was. She could feel it rising up in her, welling and shifting about. It had the suspicious weightiness of a great wave of crushing guilt, so Selphie ignored it for now and turned her focus back to her body.
Tentatively, slowly, she brought her hand in front of her face. There was no resistance. It moved when she told it to. Fascinated, she watched each finger twitch up and down. One, two, three, four, five. Her body was following her commands. Did that mean...?
What about her voice? Was it hers again? She exhaled experimentally, making a long hhhuuggh sound. So far, so good. But it could be a trap, couldn't it? The other one, the Selphie imposter, might be letting her think she had regained control, only to snatch it away. There had to be some way to make sure. She didn't have to search long for a word that the imposter would never say.
"Booyaka," whispered Selphie softly, and closed her eyes in relief, the pillow cradling her head.
When she opened her eyes again, Rinoa was awake, and smiling groggily at her.
"Welcome back, Selphie."
The wave crashed and broke, and Selphie remembered the source of her guilt. It rocked across her body, making her shoulders shake, and seeped out of her tear ducts.
"Rin... I'm so sorry," she managed, forcing the words through a break in a chain of sobs.
"Don't be. It wasn't your fault. Those powers were too warped. Who knows how long that poor woman was trapped there, waiting to die. Her mind was broken. You didn't stand a chance."
Selphie sniffled, and wiped at her eyes. "But you took her powers. You pulled them right out of my mind. Didn't you?"
"I did, yes." A half-frown inched its way across Rinoa's face.
"How could you do that? Take all that darkness into you, and not let it drag you under? How are you that strong?"
Rinoa fiddled with a loose thread on her blue wrist-bands, and Selphie noticed how faded and tattered they had become.
"I'm not... I'm not 'strong'."
Selphie sunk back into the pillow, blinking up at the ceiling. "It's me, then. I must be really weak."
"Oh, Selphie. It's not about being weak or strong. It's just... I'm already used to the darkness, I suppose. I've got Adel's powers, and Ultimecia's. Yours are a drop in the ocean compared to those."
Selphie stared at her, dumbstruck. If the presence that had been inside her, with all its might and terror, was nothing more than a 'drop in the ocean' to Rinoa, then...
"How do you live without it driving you crazy?" she blurted out, and saw Rinoa wince.
"It does. Believe me, it does. I think it's mostly Squall that stops me from going the way you did. Being with him, knowing he's there." She folded her hands in her lap and looked down at them. "I don't like to imagine what I'd be without my Knight."
Knight. Selphie had never given much credence to the concept. Perhaps it really did mean something, more than fairy tales or pledges of love.
"Irvy offered to be my Knight, when it happened," she said. "I didn't even take him seriously. Maybe it would've changed everything."
"Maybe. Or perhaps you two would have the rest of the world under your domination by now." Rinoa managed a weak smile. "Ruling us all with an iron fist. Who knows."
"No. Irvy's got a good heart."
Rinoa eyed her curiously for a moment. "Mm. You ever tell him that?"
Selphie shook her head.
"Maybe you should."
Selphie wasn't sure she wanted to think about that right now. The events of the past few days had come trickling back, including what she'd done to Irvine. All of it.
"Who do you think she was?" she asked, subdued.
Rinoa's expression was cautious. "The woman in Dollet, or...?"
Selphie shivered. "Her."
"I think... the woman you found in the castle was just a host, like you were. Whatever took her over, she felt... ancient. I think she's been around for a long time. Perhaps as long as there's been sorcery, even. She could be part of what makes us Sorceresses, an inevitable part of it. Maybe she was the very first. Or..." Rinoa's eyes slid slowly to Selphie's. "The last."
"Do you mean-"
Rinoa curled her fingers around the necklace at her throat. "What you said about becoming Ultimecia... Well, I've been thinking, and there might be some truth in it. She's in me now, and I've got her locked away, but one day I'll die, and someone else will have my powers. It's not impossible that she might rise to the surface again."
"If she was inside Ultimecia, then... that's good, right? We defeated her. We broke the cycle."
"Yeah. Yeah, you're right. But it makes me wonder what the real Ultimecia was like. What if she was someone like you? And we... what we did to her..." Rinoa grimaced. "I'm sorry, Selphie. You just woke up. This isn't helping at all. Don't worry about it, okay? Whatever she was, she's not your problem anymore."
No, Selphie thought with a pang of guilt, She's yours.
Rinoa was blinking faster now, and her eyes had acquired a glistening sheen.
"But... It was kind of nice. For a while, you know."
"What was?" Selphie asked.
"Not being alone. Knowing that it wasn't just me. Team Witch."
Rinoa let out a small hiccup as she said the last word, and a tear trickled down the side of her cheek.
Selphie leaned across the bed, and let her fingers twine together with Rinoa's. "Team Witch," she whispered.
Rinoa struggled to speak, and they sat in silence. She withdrew her hand from Selphie's when footsteps sounded from across the infirmary. Irvine lingered at the entrance to the room, hat in hands, his hair messy, a tell-tale puffy redness to his face.
Rinoa rose, and offered her seat, the hard plastic stool at the side of the bed. Without speaking, she placed a hand on Irvine's shoulder as she left the room.
"Hey," Selphie said, when he didn't offer a greeting.
"Hey." Irvine's voice was drained of its usual energy.
"How long was I out?"
"Just a day. Day and a half, I guess. It's around two a.m." Irvine fiddled with his hat. "On Thursday," he added, and looked away.
"You been here all that time?"
"Mostly. Had a shower. Ate. Not much else."
Selphie could see it was true: his face was unshaven, and the dark, sagging bags under his eyes told her he'd barely slept, if at all. The wave of guilt was still there, lapping at the pit of her stomach. She cleared her throat, and he looked back at her, questioningly.
"Sorry for going all-out crazy on you."
Irvine scratched at the stubble on his jaw and shrugged. "Shit happens."
Selphie nodded, while wondering if she'd ever meet anyone as forgiving as Irvine Kinneas. She'd nearly 'The End'-ed him, been a whisker away from crushing the life from his lungs with fire and smoke, and all he had to say was shit happens. Shit did indeed, she reasoned, happen. It happened far too much, and far too often, to SeeDs. Acting tough about it, ignoring it, burying it worked well enough, most of the time. But not indefinitely.
He'd crack. Or she would. Or both of them would.
"You been crying?" she asked.
"Nope. Not me."
You're a rotten liar, Kinneas, she thought. "Irvy, c'mere."
He moved the stool closer to the bed, looking at her with worried eyes. He had that puppy-dog expression again, but she didn't mind this time.
"Closer than that, silly."
Irvine leaned down towards her, and she reached up to stroke his puffy cheeks, then kissed him on the lips. Too surprised to make an attempt to prolong the kiss, he blinked at her in confusion when she pulled away.
"You'd have made an awesome Knight," Selphie said softly.
The realization that she meant it dawned slowly on Irvine, brightening up his whole face. "Damn right I would've."
"I shouldn't have turned down your offer."
"Learned your lesson now though, huh?" His eyes twinkled at her.
"Sure have."
"Knight or not, I'm yours, Sef. I always have been." He was serious now, and there was a resigned sadness in his tone. "But you're not mine, are you?"
"I could be. I don't know. Maybe not in the way you want."
She half-expected to see him crumple at her admission, but the only sign of his disappointment was a brief sigh.
"Not sure what I want anymore. Think I just want you to be safe. And whatever else we are, that's... enough for me. Probably. We're young, an' all."
"So we are," she agreed.
Selphie watched him as he distractedly combed through his tangled ponytail with his fingers. The maturity of his reaction impressed her. For so long, she'd been running from the idea - the pressure - of Irvine being hopelessly in love with her. Maybe she'd have done better if she had trusted him a little more.
"What's going to happen to me?" she wondered aloud. "Will SeeD take me back?"
"They won't need to. Squall never put your resignation through, y'know."
She leaned back in the bed. "Huh. Sneaky of him."
"Said he trusted that you'd come to your senses."
"I nearly didn't."
At the tremor in her voice, he patted her arm absent-mindedly. "It's over now, Sefie. It's okay. Squall gave you a month off duty. Both of us, actually. Post-trauma recovery leave, he called it." Irvine hesitated. "I thought... If you want, maybe we could spend it together. Go to Trabia, perhaps. See your friends. Somewhere you can forget about all this, for a while."
She covered his hand with her own. "I'd like that, Irvy. Not Trabia, though. Somewhere where it's just us two. Some little island somewhere, or a beach, or... We could, well, y'know."
"We could what?"
Selphie smiled to herself. It always amused her that Irvine, the self-proclaimed king of innuendo, was so inept at picking up subtle come-ons. She would have to tell him straight, for once.
"I think I'd like to give us a chance," she explained. "You and me."
Irvine's eyes could have lit the whole room. "Sounds like a plan, darlin'."
"We could spend it monster hunting. No magic, though. I... need a break from it. Let's go unjunctioned. Both of us. We'll make do with potions and elixirs, and extra ammo for you."
Irvine drummed his fingers against the brim of his hat, still resting on his lap.
"I think I see where this is goin'. Heaven or Hell?"
"Heaven. Definitely." Better not to tempt fate, she thought.
He flashed a grin. "The no-junction, wild-camping challenge on the Island Closest to Heaven it is then." The grin faded, and Irvine's expression turned solemn. "There's just one thing, Sef. Hear me out."
"What?"
"I don't think you should do 'The End' again. I mean ever. For any reason."
Of course. He had seen her ultimate battle skill from the other side, from the perspective of her adversaries. Selphie felt a stab of shame that she had never thought to wonder what happened to the enemies she had gleefully cast to their unexpected ends. Wherever it was they went, Irvine had nearly gone there too. And whatever he had seen had left him with a haunted look in his eyes, one that hadn't been there before.
"Not even on a monster?" she asked.
"No," he said. "It's too goddamn cruel, Sef. Even for a Malboro, or a..." he waved his fingers, searching for a word, and gave up. "One of those green stabby fuckers. You know."
"Tonberries," she said helpfully.
"Yeah. Tonberries." Irvine's eyes darkened. "Little bastards,", he added with unnecessary vehemence.
The sour look on his face made Selphie want to burst out laughing. She made a mental note to buy a Tonberry plushie when Irvine's birthday rolled around, and leave it on his pillow as he slept.
They both lapsed into silence, and she thought about his request. She slipped cautiously down to the recesses of her mind, and felt around for the wellspring of magic that had always opened itself to her when her limit had been reached in battle. Selphie could find none of it, not any more. No elemental spells, no protective charms, Full-Cures, or even 'The End' itself. There was nothing but an empty space.
"I think it's gone, anyway," she announced, without emotion.
"What's gone?"
"The innate magic I used to have. All of it. I think it all went when Rinoa Drew the Sorcery out of me. Just... gone." And I don't miss it, she realized.
"Hell's chocobos." His eyebrows shot up. "Does that mean Rinoa's got 'The End' now?"
Selphie's face contorted into a frown. "I don't think it works like that. Limits are unique to each person, aren't they? If I've lost it, then it's gone for good."
"Thank fuck for that," Irvine muttered under his breath. Then he smiled at her, that dorky, goofy grin that was his true smile, not the fake megawatt charm he turned on for everyone else.
"The End of 'The End', huh?"
"Guess so," Selphie said. A small part of her mourned it, for the briefest moment. She'd always secretly enjoyed the giddy intoxication of knowing such power was inside her. But now she had walked the path where that kind of power led, she didn't want it anymore.
And besides, there were other things about herself she could start to enjoy again. Things to be proud of. Her skills as a pilot. Her speed and quick wits in battle. Her dedication to the Garden Festival, the joy she found in working to bring people together.
Her friendships. Her teammates. Her loyal, reckless, brilliant, not-quite-boyfriend, even. Rinoa's advice floated to the forefront of Selphie's thoughts.
"You've got a good heart, Irvy," she said sleepily.
He took that the only way she could ever expect him to. With a smirk.
"Most women aren't interested in me for my heart, darlin'."
A suggestive waggle of those dark eyebrows. There it was: an implicit Irvine Kinneas dick joke. The final, reassuring sign that Selphie's world was back to normal.
"Most women aren't interested in you at all," she pointed out, and yawned.
"You are, though." He beamed at her. Stupidly, hopefully.
"I guess." She let him have that one.
It was almost definitely true, anyway.
And that was how Selphie and Irvine ended up spending two weeks in a tent on the beaches of the Island Closest to Heaven, eating toasted cheese sandwiches over a campfire, and giggling in each others' arms in a SeeD-brand sleeping bag every night. They returned to Garden not exactly a couple, but something indefinable and comfortable, and it suited Selphie just fine.
There'd be time, later on, to give things a name. To make decisions. But they were young now, with countless possibilities sprawling out ahead. The wide open road of an unknown future.
All their days were still to come, and she intended to make the most of each and every last one.
The End of the End, she figured, was as good a time as any for the Beginning of the Beginning.
A/N
Thanks for reading this story!
I have a vague idea of two continuities in my postgame fics, one being Angel's Scar and all my postgame one-shots, and the other being Eye of the Storm (for reasons that are obvious if you've read the first chapter of that fic). I've been undecided as to which timeline to put this fic in. I suppose it could be a prequel to Angel's Scar, but given the position Rinoa ends up in, it might make more sense as a precursor to Eye of the Storm.
Anyway, huge thanks to everybody who read this, and especially those who took the time to leave reviews! It was great to hear your thoughts as I went along.
p.s. Big apologies to Zell, who spent the whole of this story training in Centra. My fics in general are in dire need of More Zell - I hope to rectify that with a Zell POV story at some point soon.