~~~Book 3 Begins~~~
Aang lay in bed, unconscious. No one knew when he would awaken. They were on a stolen Fire Nation ship with Katara and Sokka's father, Hakoda, and the other Southern Water Tribe men.
Katara was listless. She spent entire days in bed, sobbing, and no one could figure out why. They were pretty sure Aang was going to be okay, after all. Katara refused to speak to anyone, only leaving her room to conduct regular healing sessions for Aang, before returning to her solitude.
She felt broken.
And she couldn't tell any of them what was really wrong. How could she? Oh, thanks for the tea Sokka and Dad, and by the way, you've been asking why I'm crying so I'll tell you—I went and fell in love with the prince of the Fire Nation. You know, the assholes that murdered Mom? The psychopaths that almost killed Aang? The jerk that's been hunting us for half a year? Yeah, that fire prince. Well anyway, he fucked me and then ripped my heart out, no big deal.
Her heart ached. It felt raw. Ruptured. It felt like it was being squeezed, choked, and it only grew worse day by day. She couldn't eat. She only slept when she finally exhausted herself from weeping. She wanted to curl up in a ball and forget. She felt like the biggest idiot in the entire world.
I trusted him. I TRUSTED him. I loved him. Fuck, I fucking LOVED him, for spirit's sake. How COULD he? Was it all an act? Was he just with me so he could get close to Aang? So we'd let down our guard? Spirits, Katara, you are the absolute dumbest person to ever live.
He betrayed me. He was so unspeakably terrible. I should hate him. I DO hate him. He made me think he cared about me, then he stabbed me in the back. So why do I miss him? Why do I wake up in the morning expecting to find him there? Why does my heart feel like it will never stop hurting?
Weeks passed and Katara only felt emptier and emptier. She relived the moments with Zuko in her mind, combing her memory for some small sign, any sign, that he was pretending. That he was planning to betray her. He'd always been evasive whenever she brought up his allegiances. Why didn't she pay more attention to it? Why did she convince herself that he was just conflicted and confused? She'd been so confident that deep down, he was coming around. Was she really so blind?
Or, was his betrayal a spur-of-the-moment decision? She went over the events in the cave, almost obsessively. Tried to remember the exact sequence of events. What everyone had said. When exactly Zuko had turned. She remembered seeing Aang, throwing her arms around him in joy. Then, he'd confessed his love, and grabbed her and kissed her. It had been so sudden. She felt a twinge of anger at the memory. She'd never gotten the chance to push him off before Azula arrived.
But surely that couldn't have been enough to make Zuko betray her. He couldn't possibly doubt her feelings for him, not after the month they'd spent together. He had to have seen how one-sided that kiss was…
It didn't matter. He didn't care—he'd made that agonizingly clear. It must have been Azula's cloying promises. She knew exactly what to say to him, exactly which buttons to push.
Katara dissected her memories again and again. She felt like she was going crazy. Maybe she was.
~~~S3 E1: The Awakening~~~
Zuko was on a ship home. He stood on the deck in the middle of the night staring at the full moon. Being on the ship's deck reminded him of Katara. The moon reminded him of Katara. Everything reminded him of Katara.
He loved her, of course. He'd realized it back when he'd still had the chance to tell her, but he hadn't been able to. He had been so afraid of being rejected and humiliated; he knew exactly what that felt like and it wasn't something he was ready to put himself through. When it came down to it, he was afraid of being hurt by someone he loved, again.
The irony was excruciating.
Would anything have been different if I'd told her?
"Aren't you cold?" Mai asked, appearing from behind him. She had always had a thing for him, even when they were kids. Now she seemed pleased—or at least, as pleased as it seemed she was capable of being—that he was back in the Fire Nation's good graces, back on his way to the capital.
"I've got a lot on my mind," he said in the understatement of the century. He couldn't get Katara out of his mind. All he could see was her kissing the Avatar. It was seared into his brain and it tortured him constantly. Sometimes he wished he'd never met her. Most times he wanted her back so badly that it hurt. Never had he wanted a woman the way he wanted Katara. Never had he cared about anyone the way he cared about Katara. He loved her and couldn't bear the thought of her with someone else. He couldn't help but envision her with the Avatar. That scrawny 16-year-old kissing her. Touching her. Loving her.
To care so deeply and get burned for it. It was the story of his life.
And yet, he couldn't help but feel guilty when he thought of the Avatar dead in Katara's arms. Was he truly gone? Zuko wasn't sure whether he wanted that to be the case or not.
He also thought about his uncle often. What would happen to Iroh when they got back to the Fire Nation? And what was waiting in store for Zuko himself? How would his father react? Would he be welcomed home as a war hero, as Azula assured him? Would he get his honor back?
Would it make him feel whole again?
Zuko continued, "It's been so long. Over five years since I was home. I wonder what's changed. I wonder how I've changed."
Mai yawned. "I just asked if you were cold. I didn't ask for your whole life story." Smiling, she came up behind him and draped her arm over his shoulder. With a warm palm against his cheek, she turned his face to hers. "I've always liked you, Zuko. More than liked you."
"I know," Zuko replied. "I've always—cared—for you too."
He liked Mai, truly. But he didn't want her. And his feelings, well, they were with someone else. Or perhaps simply dead. Perhaps Katara had killed his ability to feel along with breaking his heart.
"Then stop worrying and kiss me instead." Mai tilted Zuko's face, pressing her lips to his. Zuko's first instinct was to pull away. He didn't really want to kiss Mai, after all. But then…
If Katara can kiss whoever she wants, so can I, he thought bitterly. He kissed Mai back.
Mai broke the kiss with a smile. "I hope there will be more of that."
"Sure," Zuko replied hollowly. He felt a heaviness descend upon him.
When Mai strode away, Zuko was left staring at the moon.
O – O – O – O – O – O
It had been over a month and the emptiness in Katara's heart had begun to turn to anger. While she didn't enjoy the burning hot pit of rage in her belly, it was better than feeling nothing at all. And it fueled her to get out of bed.
She was on the deck of the ship looking out at the sea with Toph when Aang stumbled into the night, awake for the first time since he'd hugged her on Appa's back right after she'd healed him. Everyone crowded around Aang, thrilled to see him up and about. Katara wanted to feel happy—was happy—but even the joy of seeing Aang awake couldn't seem to penetrate the darkness that had invaded her heart.
He was still weak from his injuries. After a quick reunion with everyone and a barrage of questions about why they were on a Fire Nation ship and what had happened since he'd been knocked out, Aang's limited strength waned.
Katara went with him for another healing session. The starburst scar on his back pulsed with energy as she concentrated on mending it. She was almost done when Aang's body went completely tense. He was reliving the vivid memory of the day of his injury.
When he came to, he said, "I went down! I didn't just get hurt, did I? It was worse than that. I was gone… but you brought me back."
Aang turned to face Katara, adoration suffusing his features.
Katara felt uncomfortable under his gaze. "I just used the spirit water from the North Pole. I don't know what I did, exactly."
"You saved me," he said, reaching for her.
Katara allowed him to cup her cheek in his hand.
"I did everything I could."
"Katara. I can remember everything now. I remember. I told you. I told you I love you. I love you so much." Aang moved to kiss her.
Katara's heart lurched. She withdrew shakily as he leaned in.
She said, "You need to rest."
Aang looked crestfallen.
"I'll send someone to help you back to your room," Katara said, feeling a rush of emotion wash over her and wanting only to be back in her own room where no one could see.
"You could take me," Aang said hopefully.
"I—" Her need to be alone was battled with her nurturing nature. She crumpled. "Okay, sure Aang. Let's get you back to bed, okay?"
Katara held back her tears until she settled Aang comfortably in his room. In the hallway outside his door, she sank against the wall and slid to the floor, her body no longer willing to support her. She covered her mouth to contain her hitching sobs so he wouldn't hear her.
To hear I love you from Aang, knowing she would never hear it from Zuko, was simply too much. When Aang tried to kiss her, she knew without a doubt that she only wanted Zuko. But he'd been so cold. He'd betrayed her. Possibly even deceived her. He didn't care about her.
Her heart felt like it was being punctured by a million tiny venomous pins. And the poison was polluting her blood, strangling her organs, leaving her gasping for air.
~~~S3 E2: The Headband to S3 E3: The Painted Lady~~~
Zuko was welcomed back to the Fire Nation with open arms and the cheers of the people. His honor was restored. His father accepted him. He fell into a relationship with Mai, a daughter of Fire Nation nobility—a proper relationship for the fire prince. Being with her only made him ache for Katara all the more.
He did what was expected of him. He was the crown prince of the most prosperous nation in the world.
But his heart was heavy. He had everything he'd always wanted but it wasn't at all how he thought it would be.
He sought out his uncle in the prisons for advice, but Iroh wouldn't even look at him.
Zuko pushed away his guilt and uncertainty. He told himself that he'd just done what he had to do.
Everyone believed the Avatar was dead, and, thanks to Azula's lies, they believed Zuko had killed him. But he wasn't so sure—he knew Katara had impressive healing abilities and a vial of spirit water that she wore tucked under her clothes.
The thought that the Avatar might still be alive kept him up at night. Azula had set Zuko up to take the fall if the Avatar wasn't dead, and he lived in fear that his father would cast him out again. But beyond that, if the Avatar lived, it meant he got to be with Katara. Touch her and share her bed. Make her laugh. The thought was like a cold vice around his heart.
One evening, he decided to do something about it. Before he could second-guess himself, he hired an elite assassin to find and end the Avatar, should he still live.
He thought that would make him feel better, but the nightmares never stopped.
O – O – O – O – O – O
Katara dedicated herself to their mission—infiltrate the Fire Nation and prepare for the invasion on the day of the eclipse. Her heart did not heal, but she told herself that there were more important things than one woman's broken heart. There were people who needed her, and she wasn't going to abandon them.
In the coming weeks she thought of little else. She supported Aang in every way she knew how. She even danced with him at the secret party he'd arranged for some of the Fire Nation youth. She tried to forget Zuko, tried to convince herself that maybe she could love again. Maybe she could even find it within herself to love Aang, who clearly loved her so deeply. But at the end of the night, her heart only hurt more.
When they discovered a fishing village that was sick and polluted, she didn't even think twice about taking on the persona of the Painted Lady and doing everything she could to aid them—even putting herself in harm's way. It didn't matter to her anymore, as long as she could help others.
~~~S3 E5: The Beach~~~
Zuko lived his life as the Fire Nation's prince. He spent time with Azula, Ty Lee, and of course, Mai.
But every day, his misgivings grew. He felt an aimless anger rising, a familiar bubbling and roiling ire that began in the pit of his stomach and swelled into his chest.
It wasn't until the night at the beach, around the fire with Azula, Ty Lee, and Mai, that he had a few drinks too many and he realized that the person he was angry with was himself. He hadn't even known it until that moment, but as soon as the words were out, he knew them to be true.
For as long as he could remember, he thought that if his father accepted him, he'd be happy. But now he was home, his father spoke to him and even thought he was a hero. It should have been perfect. He should have been happy.
But he wasn't. He was angry at himself, and more confused and disillusioned than ever. He regretted sending the assassin after the Avatar. And turning his back on his uncle. And betraying Katara—no matter who she kissed or what she did, he was starting to seriously rethink his actions that day.
The worst of it was that he wasn't even sure he knew the difference between right and wrong anymore.
~~~S3 E7: The Runaway to S3 E8: The Puppetmaster~~~
When Katara's friends—especially Toph—began to complain that she was too nurturing, too motherly, the criticism felt like another jab through her heart. Nurturing others had become her entire purpose. It distracted her from the despair and anger that threatened to overwhelm her in the quiet hours of the night, when she was alone with only the memory of warm arms around her.
But when she overheard Toph and Sokka talking about her strength and compassion, how she had always been there for them, and how it made them feel, it filled her with a renewed resolve. No matter how broken and betrayed she felt inside, she could still be there for others. She could still make a difference and make the world a better place.
Then she learned how to bloodbend; she was horrified. To have the capacity within her for such a violent, monstrous kind of bending made her wonder if the pain and anger that had overtaken her heart was somehow to blame.
~~~S3 E9: Nightmares and Daydreams~~~
Sitting at his father's right-hand side at a war meeting was what Zuko had always wanted. It was the ultimate sign of his father's acceptance. But when he got it, it felt wrong. Since he'd returned home, he'd been acting like the perfect prince, the son his father always wanted… but that person wasn't really him.
As the Fire Nation generals callously spoke of the destruction they planned to wreak on the Earth Kingdom, a place where Zuko had gotten to know many of the commoners during his travels, he was struck with the realization that he didn't agree with what the Fire Nation was doing. He didn't agree with what his father was doing.
He felt a strange sense of clarity sweep over him. He knew what he needed to do. He finally understood his destiny. The destiny that he needed to make for himself.