APRIL

Everything in the house is pink. Pink streamers, pink balloons, pink cake, even pink ice cream. Athena insisted that the house should blow up with femininity for the baby shower since I am, after all, having a girl.

It took her a while to warm up to the fact that she's getting a little sister. It didn't happen overnight, that evening on the bathroom floor. It's taken months to get her used to the idea of sharing both myself and Jackson with another child. Some days are harder than others - one minute she's excited, the next she wants nothing to do with the baby. I have to keep in mind that she's only 8 years old and can't be expected to deal with this big of a surprise in an adult manner. She's a kid and she's allowed to react like one.

"You get to open presents right here on this big chair," Athena says, arranging the balloons just the way she likes them. "How many presents are you gonna get?"

"I have no idea," I say, one hand on my protruding belly while resting the other on the back of an armchair. I'm 8 months along - we're having the baby shower pretty late - and every breath is a struggle. This little girl loves pressing against my lungs.

"Probably tons," Jackson says, coming downstairs as he finishes up the buttons on his shirt. "Knowing how many people will be here."

"How many?" Athena asks eagerly, coming out from behind the chair. "Is the whole house gonna be filled up?"

"Pretty much," he says, then takes a look in the hall mirror before turning to meet my eyes. "Look okay?" he asks.

"You look great," I say, giving him a tired smile. "It's a good thing, too, because one of us should."

"And that would be you," he says, taking my hands to lace our fingers together. "You look stunning."

"I do not," I pout, glancing down at my round belly. If I could see them, I'd notice my swollen ankles, pudgy legs and widened feet. Nothing of mine feels like it belongs to me anymore. "I'm a whale."

He makes a low sound in his throat that eventually reaches a high note. "I speak your language, at least," he says. I sock him hard in the shoulder with a closed fist. "Hey!" he says, rubbing the spot. "That hurt."

"Good," I say. "'Cause that is not what you're supposed to say." I laugh, then jump a little and press a hand to my belly. "Oh!" I exclaim. "She's kicking. Feel, Daddy."

I take his wrist and place his hand where flutters can be felt through my skin. She's gotten so strong over these past couple months. "Hey, baby girl," he says. "Hi, Selah."

I smile at Jackson as he's dropped to his knees to talk to my belly, to talk to our daughter. He does it all the time, but it doesn't get old. I skim a hand over his head, scratching my nails along his scalp, and he kisses the swell of my stomach. "She hears you," I mutter.

"She always does," he responds, dropping another kiss. "Sweet little Selah bird."

We picked the name Selah together because it's unique and it flows along with Athena. Her middle name is Joy, because it was my mom's middle name. Selah Joy - the name rolls off my tongue and I don't get tired of saying it. Athena doesn't either, when she's excited. She's even written her sister a few songs as she's gotten better at reading music.

"One month 'til Sissy comes, one month 'til Sissy comes!" Athena sings, skipping into the hall where Jackson and I stand. Though she's a wonder with the piano, she can't hold a tune worth her life. I think it's hilarious, but I would never, ever tell her as much.

"One month and a couple days," I say, framing her face as she takes Jackson's spot and wraps her arms around my belly.

"You're soft," she tells me, resting a cheek over the bump. "I like it."

I laugh a little. "Well, I'm glad," I say.

"I like it, too," Jackson says over her head.

"Is Aunt Maggie and everyone gonna be here?" Athena asks, peering upwards while still trapping me in a hug.

"I think so," I say, then look to Jackson for confirmation. "Right?"

"As far as I know," he says.

"And Grandma and Grandpa?"

"Yep."

"Who else?" she asks.

"Well…" I say, twining one of her curls around my pointer finger. "My friend Steph and her girlfriend are coming for sure. My other friend Izzie and her boyfriend. My dad is driving in, my friend Owen, some people from Daddy's work… we'll just see who shows up, alright?"

"Alright."

"Are you excited?" I ask.

"No one's gonna touch my piano, right?" Athena asks.

"You can share," Jackson warns.

"Not with my cousins," she says. "They'll get the keys all sticky and I want it to stay clean and shiny like I always keep it. So, only grown-ups can touch it. But only if they can play. No just pressing keys."

"Alright," I say, smiling.

"I wish I could put the piano up in my room," she says. "Then, I could keep it safe." She pokes my belly softly. "You have my baby sister safe in here."

"I sure do," I say. "All safe and warm."

"How does she breathe?" Athena asks, eyebrows furrowed. "And how did she even get in there?" She looks back to Jackson. "How did Selah get inside April's tummy, Dad?" She blinks hard, going deeper in thought. "How are babies even made?"

Jackson inhales loudly and widens his eyes before looking at the clock. "That's a conversation for later, I think," he says. "Seeing as the guests are about to arrive."

"But I wanna know!" Athena says, following him as she lets go of my waist.

"We'll sit down and have a talk soon, all three of us. Just hold onto it, alright?"

"I guess. Is it gross? The answer. Is it gross?"

He groans lightly and says, "A little."

"Then I definitely wanna know." Jackson catches my eye over the top of Athena's head and if I'm not mistaken, I see his skin go pale. I stifle a giggle and cover my mouth with one hand, shaking my head with amusement. She looks back at me with curiosity, hair flying as it's down and natural. "Why are you laughing?" she asks.

I try and compose myself. "Just thought of a joke from the other day," I say.

"You're weird," she says, giving me a look.

"A good weird, I hope," I say.

"Yeah," she says. "But still weird."

A few minutes later, just after the food has been put out, there's a knock at the door. I'm upstairs changing for the third time, unhappy with every article of clothing I put on my body. Nothing looks right, not even my maternity wear. "Athena," I hear Jackson say. "Can you get the door?"

"No!" she says. "Daddy, you do it."

"I'm a little preoccupied," he says. When I'd gone upstairs, he was standing on a chair fixing the streamers. "Just go open it, honey."

"I don't want to," she says. "I don't know who's there."

"Thena," he says. "Help me out."

"I can't," she says, then shouts up the stairs. "April? Somebody's here!"

"Go ahead and get the door, babe," I say, pulling a different dress on over my head.

"I can't. I don't know these people."

"They're nice," I call down. "I promise, they'll be happy to see you." I tear off the dress. It makes me look like a blimp. And instead of a verbal response, I hear Athena's footsteps hurrying up the stairs, pounding the floor until she appears in the doorway of the master bedroom. "You didn't get the door," I say.

As she replies, I hear Jackson greeting whoever has arrived. Athena looks towards the voices, too, then back to me. "You're not dressed," she says, looking at my state. I'm only in a bra and underwear as I'd just discarded another option. "Your belly's out. Is that how you're going to the party?"

I chuckle and say, "No."

She throws her arms around me and presses her ear against my belly. She likes to listen to Selah, claiming that she can hear her. Now isn't the best time, but I still let her do it. "Do I have to talk to a lot of people today?" she asks.

I pet her hair as I feel her jaw move against my skin. "Are you feeling shy?" I ask.

She shrugs. "I just don't wanna talk to people that I don't know."

"You can do whatever you want, as long as you're kind about it," I tell her. "It's okay to feel shy around people. We spend a lot of time just the three of us - me, you, and Daddy. So having a lot of people around is kinda weird for me, too."

"Four of us," she says, then looks up to meet my eyes while pressing a fingertip to my belly.

"Right," I say with a smile.

"I just wanna stay by you," she says, squeezing me a little tighter.

"Alright," I say. "But you have to let me get dressed. Wanna help me pick something?"

I end up in a dress that I don't hate. It's blush pink with seams under the bust that dart over my belly to give me some sort of a shape other than round, with three-quarter length sleeves. After fixing my hair and makeup, I take Athena's hand and walk downstairs to the main area that's filling with people. "There she is!" Jackson says brightly. He's in the kitchen, handing beers to whoever wants them. In baby shower style, though, they have pink ribbons wrapped around the neck. I recognize a few of his coworkers and their spouses, and when he comes to get me, his smile is big and proud. "Here she is," he says, then kisses my cheek. "Mama-to-be."

"Hi," I say, grinning as I shake their hands. "I'm April."

He introduces me to a few people, and they all tell me how beautiful my bump is, how I'm glowing, and I take their compliments in stride. There's only so much I can handle, though, so I'm thankful when familiar faces arrive. "Where's my baby mama?" I hear, then flip around to see Steph coming in the door with a giant, pink box in her arms.

"Steph!" I cheer, then make my way over. "You made it!"

"Of course I did," she says. "When it comes to my little niece, I'll do anything. Jade's here, too, she's just locking up the car."

Jade is Steph's girlfriend of about six months. I've met her a few times and we really hit it off - the two of them are great together. And ever since they met, whatever confusing feelings Steph had for me have fallen away. Now that we're not living together, everything has gone back to the way it was before, the way we both liked it. Our friendship is stronger than ever. "Hey, Jade!" I say, watching as she comes up the front path. "You did not have to bring me something. One gift was enough!"

She appears in the doorway, out of breath. "I can't resist a good baby gift," she says, setting the box amongst the others. "Hey, April. You look fantastic."

She gives me a big hug and I close my eyes as I wrap my arms around her. "Thanks," I say. "But I feel like a giant toad." Suddenly, I feel a tug on my sleeve and look down to see that Athena has reclaimed her spot glued to my side. "Oh, guys, this is Athena. You've met before, Steph, but Athena, this is Jade. Steph's girlfriend." I smile. "This is Selah Joy's big sister."

"Oh, wow," Jade says. "That's an important job, for sure. I'm a big sister, too." Athena leans her head against my side, shy as ever. I've noticed she gets this way in big crowds, retreating to what's familiar. "The first couple years were hard. One time, I coated Francie - that's my sister - in ketchup and told my mom she did it on her own. She was only 8 months old." She laughs and shakes her head. "Hopefully, you don't get into the stuff I did when I was a kid."

"I don't," Athena says quietly. "I won't do that with the ketchup."

I rub her shoulder and smile at her, then towards both my friends. "There's plenty of food inside," I say. "We'll do games later."

Athena sticks to my side as I linger by the door, and I open it as Izzie gets out of her car. "I know Izzie," she says.

"Told you she'd be here" I say. "You wanna go help her?" She looks at me with wide, unsure eyes and I nod her along. "You can," I say. "Go ahead. She'd really appreciate it."

Hesitantly, Athena steps out in her shiny black shoes and approaches Izzie's car. I can't hear what's being said, but Izzie flashes her a huge smile, gives her a hug, then hands her a present to carry inside. When Athena turns around to walk back to me, she's beaming. "This is for Selah," she says proudly, showcasing the bag overflowing with tissue paper. "They have way more in the car, though."

As Athena goes to set the present down, Izzie and her boyfriend, Lux, carry the rest to the door. "There you are!" she says, peering around the boxes in her arms.

"Did you go out and buy the whole damn store?" I say. "Jesus, you did not need to do this."

"She did," Lux says with a grin. "She really did."

"I really did!" Izzie says, putting them down as carefully as she can. She stands up to her full height, exhales loudly, then widens her arms. "Oh, my god. Look at you. Just look at you! Lux, look at this cute little mama." I give her a big hug and she rubs my back, squeezing extra tight. "So happy for you," she says. "Pregnancy really suits you."

"Thanks, Iz," I say, pulling back.

"Where's your baby daddy?" she asks. "I wanna give him a hug."

She and Lux leave to find Jackson, and I'm just about to start a conversation with Athena when my dad walks through the door like he owns the place. "Sugar!" he sings, then looks to Athena with an excited expression. "Little sugar!"

"Joe!" Athena says, then runs to him. The two of them hit it off during their first meeting, and their relationship has only strengthened since. She's comfortable around my dad and he really knows how to make her laugh. Athena doesn't approve of many people, but he's high on her list of favorites. "You came!"

"Wouldn't miss it for the world," he says. "My baby and her babies. Grandpa couldn't be happier."

"Joe," Athena says. "I learned a new song and I really wanna play it for you. I learned it from reading the notes! Can I show you?"

"Do you mind?" my dad asks me, dropping a kiss on my cheek. "Or is the piano off-limits today?"

"No, she can play for you," I say.

"Yay!" Athena says, then takes his hand to lead him away. "Come on!"

I take a breath and lean against the staircase, feeling my face flush as I rest my tired back. I don't blush for any particular reason - hot flashes have been common throughout my pregnancy. I fan my face and keep one hand on my belly as I watch my friends and family mingle, feeling a small pang in my heart as I notice who's missing. "Hey, mama," Izzie says, coming up with a glass of sparkling wine in hand. "You okay?"

I flash her a small smile. "Yeah," I say. "It's a great turnout. I like seeing Jackson's family and my dad and all you guys here together."

She turns to look, too, then back to me. "Yeah, it's nice," she says, squeezing my hand. "You miss her?"

My shoulders deflate as I meet her eyes. "How'd you know?" I ask.

She taps her head with one finger. "There are some things I just know," she says. "I've been around you too many years to not know what you're thinking. Of course, you miss her."

"She would just love this," I say, watching the party. Then, I run one hand over the swell of my stomach. "And this."

"She definitely would," Izzie says, nodding.

I spend a moment in silence, knowing not much more needs to be said. Selah kicks and presses against my hands and I push gently back on her, which makes me smile. "I still get sad," I say. "Obviously. That's not ever gonna go away. Especially when big things happen, or when we talk about the wedding. Times like those." Izzie nods. "But I've been talking to her a lot."

"That's good," she says.

"Yeah," I say. "And her middle name was Joy, you know. Kelley Joy. And Selah's middle name is Joy, too. We did that for her."

"I love it," Izzie says. "That's a great idea."

"It was Jackson's," I say, remembering the night he brought it up. He broached the question like he thought I was going to get upset, or at the very least say no. But I loved it right off the bat.

"He's so good to you," she says, eyes twinkling. "You deserve that."

"Thanks," I breathe, eyes burning like I'm on the brink of tears. I blink hard and look towards the ceiling to ward them away, but a few fall anyway. I look to him as he stands by Steph and they clink their beer bottles together, laughing afterwards. "I love him a lot," I say.

He must feel my eyes, because he looks over and flashes me a grin and a small wave. I give him one back then look to Izzie, who's serene and calmly happy. "He loves you like crazy," she says, then smiles wider. "As he should."

…

The afternoon is filled with food, games, and a ton of presents. By the time everyone leaves, Athena is asleep on the couch and I'm working on folding tissue paper to save. "Good day," Jackson says, coming up behind me to drop a kiss to my head. "Dishes are done."

"Thanks, baby," I say, slipping a folded piece into a nearly-full gift bag.

"I'm gonna take the little one upstairs," he says. "Get her to bed. You wanna come up after you're done?"

"Sure," I say.

He swipes a hand over my shoulders and gives me a suggestive look. "I'll put you to bed, too, if you want."

"Alright," I say, smirking.

"You're not too tired?" he asks.

"No," I say.

"God, I love these hormones," he says.

I roll my eyes. "I'll be up in a second," I say. "I'm just gonna finish this."

He nods and picks up Athena, then pauses at the foot of the stairs. "Oh," he says. "Now, we have the sex talk to look forward to."

I sigh loudly. "Don't remind me," I say. "I was afraid we were gonna have to do it tonight."

He looks at Athena's face, head lolled over his arm. He smiles, chuckles, and says, "Nope. Out like a light. We can corrupt her another day." He leaves and I finish cleaning up and then head upstairs, stretching as I go. I see the door to Athena's room shut mostly all the way, nightlight on, and hear Jackson puttering around in our room. "Come in here, beautiful," he says. "Your feet must be tired."

I smile and pad into the bedroom, finding him sitting on the bed with lotion beside him. "Let me get changed," I say. "I'll be right back."

I get out of the dress and into sleep shorts and a camisole, one that stretches tight over my bump. I walk back into the bedroom from the bathroom and one corner of his lips pulls up as he takes in the sight. "Christ, you're gorgeous," he says. "Come here."

He holds my waist as I stand between his knees and he tips his head up for a kiss. I give in, pressing my lips to his while closing my eyes, then push away with two hands on his chest. "You're supposed to be massaging my feet," I say.

"Lay down then," he says lightly, a smile still in his eyes. "Get comfortable."

I do as he says and lie on my back, belly nearly impeding my view of him. It's good to rest, though. My back and feet have been killing me for the past few hours. He puts lotion on his hands and rubs my feet slowly and deeply, making me melt as I let out a long, relieved sigh. "Thank god for you," I say.

"Feels good, doesn't it," he says, continuing the movement. His thumbs dig into my arches and make my core buzz - he knows exactly what he's doing.

"So good," I say. "I bet my ankles are so swollen."

"Not too bad," he says, moving to massage them. "You were on your feet most of the day. Can't blame 'em."

I sigh again, closing my eyes. "I love being pregnant," I say. "But I'm ready to be done now."

"Mm, not me," he says, turning my feet out so he can kiss the insides of my calves. "I love seeing you this way."

"Seeing me this way and actually being this way are much different things," I say, touching the top of his head as he kisses the creases of my knees. "You don't have to get up forty times a night to pee."

"I wake up when you do."

"Still not the same," I say, chuckling.

"I just love seeing this on you," he says, pushing my shirt up as he situates himself between my legs. He widens his fingers over the bump and rubs it slowly, keeping his eyes there as he does. "It's so beautiful."

"That's your baby in there," I say, stroking his hair as he leans in to kiss my taut skin.

"I know," he says. "My baby's carrying my baby. There's no feeling like it."

"You are such a man," I say.

"You'd think the same if I was capable of carrying a baby," he says.

"Yeah, but you're not," I point out with a giggle. "Which is why my body will always be superior."

"Not gonna argue with that," he says, pulling my shirt over my head to leave my top half naked. "God, you are so beautiful."

"You already said that," I say as he hovers over my body and kisses my breasts. My nerves go electric as he sucks on my nipples; they're extra-sensitive and he knows it.

"And I'm gonna keep saying it," he says, lips moving against me. "'Cause it's true."

I smile softly while I hold his head, feeling his tongue swirl in circles around the hardened bud. "Do you miss my small boobs?" I ask.

"Mmm, no," he says, popping away from the left one. "I mean, I love your small boobs. Don't get me wrong. But now that they're big…" He looks at them and I swear, his pupils dilate. "Sexy as hell."

"They'll shrink, you know," I say as he returns to my chest.

"And then I'll love your small boobs again," he says. "But I'm just saying, I happen to enjoy them very much when they're this big."

With his mouth working magic on my nipples, one hand slips below my belly to stroke me slow and deep. I widen my thighs so he has plenty of room and lift my hips to meet his working fingers, allowing broken sighs to pass my lips. "Oh, that feels good," I moan, feeling his teeth graze my skin.

"I'm just warming you up, babe," he says, licking his lips as he straightens up.

"What are you gonna do to me?" I ask slyly.

"Come to the edge of the bed and find out," he says, standing up to strip off his shirt and pants. I can see he already has a persistent erection that's made a tent of his boxers. I smile to myself and scoot over so my ass is right on the edge, and he holds onto my hips after pulling off my shorts. Both this and doggy style are the only ways we've been able to be intimate lately, and I'm glad this is the path we're choosing tonight. My back still hurts, and I don't think I could take any impact from behind. He spreads my thighs and keeps them separate with a hand on the inside of each, staring at me with lust in his eyes. Then, he lowers to his knees and licks me, making me tremble under his hands. "You're wet as hell," he says, dragging two fingers across my lips.

"That's what being horny 24/7 will do to you," I breathe, stretching my arms above my head.

"Right, because I'm so sexy and you can't resist me," he says.

"Suddenly, I've never been more turned off," I say, then burst out laughing. I squirm a bit and widen my thighs further, pulling him closer with my feet. "Can you get to it?" I ask, a little pushy.

"Where's the fire?" he asks playfully, dragging his fingernails down my thighs until he reaches the round of my ass. He smacks the side and grins at me, something devilish in his eyes, then takes his boxers off. I can't see much past my belly, but I definitely feel it as he sinks inside of me and holds for a long moment. "Jesus," he moans, hitching my legs higher around his midsection.

I grip the comforter above my head and arch my back as best I can, opening myself for him. He always hits it so deep right away, and my mouth falls open from how good it feels. I let my eyes roll back and dig my heels into his back, causing a hiccup in the rhythm he'd found. As he pounds into me, I try and ignore the muscle spasms in my back and just get lost in the moment like I usually do, breathing deeply to try and center myself. If I let my mind wander, there's no way I'll be able to orgasm - and that's what I really, really need.

He doesn't go easy, but he doesn't go as hard as he did before I got pregnant. As his hips rock against mine, he keeps steady eye contact and holds my legs up, gritting his teeth as he gets closer to what he wants. But he won't get there first tonight; I'm already just one step away from coming undone because of the attention he gave my nipples earlier. I squeeze his torso with my knees and let my jaw go slack, writhing as the shockwaves ripple through me and the movement of his body doesn't stop. My hips jerk and twitch, core pulsating as I come back to myself, but I feel a surprising wetness between my legs. "Fuck," I murmur, eyebrows furrowed. I meet his eyes with confusion and say, "Did you come too, baby?"

"Not yet," he says, hands on my knees as he's still trying to get there.

"I think I peed then," I say confusedly. I would be more urgent if my brain weren't as cloudy as it is.

"Shit," he breathes, and his facial features clench as his orgasm ripples through his body. Apparently, he doesn't care about the potential urine all over him. "Fuck. Fuck… wait, what?"

"Maybe," I say, chest still heaving. My back spasms again and I cringe because of it, but try and ignore the feeling. "I'm all wet."

He pulls out and lets his shoulders cave in for a moment as he catches his breath. "Maybe I made you squirt," he says suggestively.

"My orgasm wasn't that good," I say. "It was good, but no… not that good."

He looks a little disappointed, then turns on the bedside lamp. "Well… the floor's soaked," he says. "And the blankets. But this isn't pee."

I sit up a little, propped by my elbows. "I didn't squirt," I say. "I would know if I did. Before, when you-"

"Yeah, I remember," he says. "But no, it's not that. Baby, I think your water just broke."

"What?" I snap, voice rising in pitch. "No, that can't be. It's not time yet."

"Well…" he trails off. "I think it happened anyway."

I feel between my legs with one hand and it comes back a bit sticky. "Shit," I say, heart pounding. "Jackson. Jackson!"

"I know," he says. "Take a deep breath. Go get cleaned up and put some clothes on, and I'll call my sister."

"Why are you calling your sister?" I shriek.

"April," he says, extending one palm out flat. "Someone needs to watch Athena. Please, baby, you gotta breathe. It's gonna be okay. Just because-"

Another muscle spasm in my back. "I am in active labor," I say. "I'm having an emergency, and you're telling me to breathe."

"You're not having contractions yet," he says. "We have plenty of time."

I grit my teeth through the pain in my back and it dawns on me - I don't know how it didn't earlier. I've read a few pregnancy books, all of which shed light on back labor. "I am having them," I say, one hand on my belly. "I think I might've been having them for a few hours."

"April!" he exclaims. "Why didn't you didn't tell me?"

"I didn't realize!" I say, blinking rapidly. "My back… I thought it was a backache. I think I'm in back labor, Jackson, and I don't wanna be in back labor. That's not good. That means she's sunny-side up, probably." I cover my face with my hands and shake my head. "I can't do this."

"You can," he says, one hand on my shoulder. "We're gonna figure it out. I'm gonna call Maggie and we're gonna go to the hospital. Everything is okay, baby. I promise."

I look at him, expecting to be comforted, but find that his eyes hold the same fear that's roiling in my chest. "You promise?" I ask, reaching to hold his hand.

"Yes," he says. "You just gotta stay here with me. Don't get in your head, okay? We're gonna meet the baby soon."

"She's not ready, though," I say weakly, eyes pleading.

"I don't think we have another choice," he says. "I'm gonna get Maggie on the phone. Put some clothes on, baby, okay?"

"Okay," I say, standing up to waddle to the bathroom. I wipe my legs with a wet washcloth and put on sweatpants and a hoodie, tying my hair up as I look in the mirror. I'm terrified beyond all means, fear taking over any space that excitement might hold. Her due date isn't for another four weeks, just a little over four actually. I'm not ready for her and she's not ready for us. She needs to stay in there longer; she's not done cooking.

But the contractions in my back tell me differently and make a whole new wave of fright wash through me. In the books, they said that if a woman experiences labor in her back, it probably means that the baby's head is by the cervix, but they're facing the stomach instead of the back. Because of this, the hardest part of their body - the back of their head - is pressing on the nerves in my spine and tailbone. I read that it would hurt, and when the next contraction ripples through me, it doesn't ease up like the others did. The pain just continues, long, hard and pulsing, so much so that I have to ease onto the floor with my mouth open in a silent scream. I don't know how long I'm there before Jackson comes in and sees me.

"Baby," he says, sounding harried. "What are you doing?"

"I can't breathe," I say.

"Why? What's going on?" he says.

"It hurts so fucking bad!" I shriek, and somehow the muscles tighten even more.

"Alright, okay," he says. "We're gonna get you up and then we're gonna go. Okay?"

"I can't move," I sob, electric darts of pain ribboning through my spine and lower back.

"Okay," he says. "I'm sorry, but you have to. We gotta get up. We're gonna go to the hospital and get you some help."

"I didn't want drugs," I say, reaching for his hands and squeezing them tight as he lifts me to my feet. "The birth plan. They're not in the birth plan."

"I know," he says, supporting most of my weight as we descend the stairs. "But I don't think sticking to the plan is a priority right now."

"I'm aware," I snap, moving gingerly.

Only a few minutes later, the front door comes open and Maggie bursts inside. "I'm here," she says. "I sped like hell. How are things going?"

"Horrible!" I cry, leaning over as I sit on the bench in the entryway.

"She's in back labor," Jackson says.

"Damn," Maggie says. "But it's okay. Everything is gonna be fine. I'm here now, I've got Thena. You go have this baby, okay? Call me as soon as you know anything."

"We will," Jackson says. "Thanks. We love you."

"I got you," she says, then touches my hair. "April, honey, you've got this under control. We're women. We're built for this. You're about to do something that no man could ever dream of doing. Remember that, okay?"

"Okay," I say tearfully, gazing up at her. She holds my chin in both hands and gives me a reassuring look, then Jackson helps me to my feet.

"Alright," he says. "Let's do this."

Once we're at the hospital, they set us up in a labor room right away, but I don't feel any less scared. They tried an epidural, but it didn't take - that's common during back labor. "I don't want them shooting anything else into my spine," I tell Jackson, tears streaming down my face after listening to the doctor talk about spinal blocks and sterile water injections. "I'm scared."

"I know," he says, stroking my arm. "I don't want it, either."

I let out a shaky breath, clutching his hand. "Are you scared?" I ask.

He shakes his head but looks away quickly towards the labor pool on the far side of the room. "How about I fill that up?" he asks. "Warm water might help your muscles."

"Yeah, okay," I say. "That sounds nice."

Once the pool is filled and I'm given the okay by the doctors and midwife, I strip down and climb inside as he holds my hand to help me. "There," he says, leaning against the side. "Better?"

"Yeah," I say. "A little."

The doctor comes back a bit later and to tell me that I am, in fact, in active labor. I'm 7 centimeters dilated and should start pushing once it reaches 10. I'm 36 weeks, and because of this the baby will be about 4 weeks premature. She tells me that I shouldn't worry, that Selah is at a healthy weight - they'll just need to do a few assessments once she's out to make sure everything is working properly. She might have to stay in the NICU, but I'm fine with that as long as she's okay. I'm fine with anything as long as she's okay.

"You should start making calls now," the doctor says gently, kneeling next to the pool. "Your baby will be here soon."

"Okay," I say, voice trembling. "I have a question. Would it be feasible if I stayed in here?" I look to Jackson and his face is open. "I'm comfortable and in a lot less pain. I think… I mean, we never talked about a water birth, but I just want to know what you think."

"Water births are common," the doctor says. "You're a good candidate. If there are any complications, of course we'll need to get you out. But for where you're at right now, it should work."

"Even though she's sunny-side up?" I ask.

"Even so," the doctor says. "She should come out fine. If not, we know what to do."

She leaves with plans to come back soon and I rest my chin down on my folded hands. "Are you okay with that?" I ask Jackson.

"Whatever makes you feel comfortable, that's what I wanna do," he says.

"Okay," I whisper. "Um… would you come in with me, when it's time? Sit behind me?"

"Of course," he says. "I would love to."

"I would really like it, too," I say. "It would make me feel safer, I think."

"Then I will," he says.

I smile tiredly, blinking slowly as I say, "We should call Maggie and Athena."

With an elbow resting on the lip of the tub, the phone rings in my ear as Jackson warms up the old water with new. "Hello?" Maggie answers.

"Hey, it's me," I say. "I'm having the baby in a few hours."

"Oh, my god," she says. "Is everything alright?"

"They think so," I say. "She might have to stay in the NICU for a while, we're just gonna have to wait and see. But my doctor said everything looks okay. I'm gonna do a water birth."

"April, that's amazing," she says.

"Can I talk to Thena?' I ask, sure that she's awake. I heard movement in her room as we were headed out the door; admittedly, I wasn't being very quiet.

"Sure."

She hands the phone over and a few seconds later, I hear Athena's small, tired voice. "April?" she says. "Are you having my sister now?"

"Soon," I say, smiling. "I just wanted to talk to you and tell you myself. You're gonna have a little sister in just a few hours."

"But it's not time yet," she says. "There's a month left on the countdown. It's too early."

"I know," I say. "But she wants to come now. There's no stopping her."

"I don't think she's ready," Athena says.

"She'll be okay," I say. "She might have to spend some time here in the hospital after she comes, but we're going to wait and see. I wanted to ask you, though. Do you want to come to the hospital to meet her once she's born?" She's quiet for a long time. So long, I pull the phone away from my face to see if she's hung up. She hasn't. "Thena?"

I hear a small sniffle, then a hiccup. "Are you gonna die like my mommy did when she had me?" she asks, all pitchy. "I don't want you to die."

I close my eyes. "Honey, no," I say. "No, no."

"Am I gonna see you again?" she asks. "What if my sister makes you die? Then Daddy will have two babies with no mommies."

"Thena, I promise, everything will be fine," I say. "You're gonna see me again, so soon."

"I didn't even get to say bye," she sobs, and I wish I was there to hug her. I can't imagine how scared she must be, and I feel selfish because the thought hadn't crossed my mind before now.

"You didn't have to," I say. "I'm gonna be back home with the baby as soon as I can. I'm not gonna die, Thena, I swear. I won't."

"I don't wanna come to the hospital," she says. "My mommy died there. I only wanna see my sister at home."

"Okay," I say. "Alright. Thena, baby, I love you."

"I love you, too," she peeps.

"You wanna talk to your daddy?"

"Yeah."

I close my eyes and lean my head back against the tub, Jackson and Athena's conversation registering in the very back of my mind. When he hangs up, he presses his nose against my temple and breathes deeply; I wind my arm around him to touch the back of his head. "I'm here," I say, pausing before continuing. "She's scared."

"I know," he whispers, something foreign in his voice. I open my eyes and hold his chin so I can look at his expression, seeing that his fear hasn't disappeared.

"Are you scared, too?" I ask. As soon as I pose the question, his water line floods with tears that soon fall to his cheeks. His chin quakes and he blinks hard, which only makes him cry more. "Oh, baby," I say, pulling him in for a hug. I can only get my arms around his head, but it's good enough.

"I don't wanna lose you," he sobs into my neck. His whole body is trembling. I've never seen him like this before.

"You won't," I say. "No. Just like I told Athena, I promise. I'm not going anywhere."

He sniffles and keeps his face where it is, arms draped around me. "Last time, it came out of nowhere," he says. "She was healthy. It wasn't supposed to happen like it did. I can't stop imagining…"

"No," I say sternly. "Don't let your mind do that. I'm right here. Look at me, babe, look at me." He pulls his head up and I wipe the moisture from his cheeks. "Look at this chunky face. It's not going anywhere. I'm about to have your baby, and we're gonna take her home and we're gonna be a family. All four of us. It's gonna be beautiful, alright?"

"Okay," he says. "Sorry for… crying."

"I'm gonna be crying up a storm and probably swearing your ears off in a couple hours," I say, stroking his face. "You're allowed to cry. But I promise, everything is gonna be okay."

…

Two hours later at 2:38am, Selah Joy is born. Jackson's body is sturdy behind mine in the water, and I press against him as I push for the final time. "You got this, baby, you got this," he says, lips against my ear.

"She's coming!" the midwife says.

"Hear that, baby? She's coming," he says.

"Big push!"

I bear down, chin to chest, and grip the sides of the birth pool. Jackson keeps his hands on my arms as he peeks over my shoulder, and I hear him gasp as pressure is released from my pelvis. "She's here," he says, voice full of awe. "You did it."

The midwife tells me how to lift my daughter up and out, and the experience is a surreal one. Of course, the water isn't exactly clear, but it ceases to matter as her face nears the surface. Time moves in slow motion, her features pinched as she nears the outside world, and as soon as she does, she takes her first breath. I'm openly weeping as I hold her, one hand under her head and the other on the small of her back, and Jackson cuts the cord. As soon as it's done, I look to the midwife and ask with a wobbly voice, "Can I hold her? Before you take her, can I just…?"

"Yes, mama," she says warmly. "Hold her."

With both of our bodies slippery and wet, I cradle Selah as close as I can. I press her body against my bare chest as she cries, and Jackson wraps his arms around the both of us. I kiss the side of her head covered with so much hair already and close my eyes, tears slipping down my cheeks. I don't know what to say; I'm feeling too much for words. All I want to do is touch her; she's in my arms and I brought her here. She's breathing, she's perfect, and she's ours. "My little bird," I say. "Oh, Jackson, she's so tiny."

He kisses my cheek and touches the baby, stroking her as softly as he can. "She's beautiful," he says. "And you're beautiful."

I lean my head against him, letting out a long, sated breath. I keep my eyes on Selah, though; on her button nose and little rosebud lips. She's the most gorgeous thing I've ever seen. My heart grows ten sizes with her in my arms. "Hi, precious girl," I whisper, touching her cheek as her mouth opens. "I'm your mama."

The nurse takes her, and my placenta is delivered, which is by no means pleasant, but I make it through. I'm cleaned up and moved to a bed, but I don't let Jackson go far. He lies next to me while they tell us Selah weighs 5 pounds, 6 ounces and so far, everything looks great. They're doing a few blood tests and checking her lungs, but if they didn't know better, they'd think she's a full-term baby.

While she's gone, I miss her. It's the first time I've been without her for months and it's an odd feeling, like I'm missing a piece of myself. "She'll be back," Jackson whispers, petting my hair. "You need to get some sleep, mama."

I smile, caught, and turn to look at him. "I know," I say. "I just want her with us."

"Soon," he says.

"I told you I'd make it through," I slur, eyelids drooping with exhaustion. "I'm still here."

"Yes, you are," he says. "And I love you." I make a content sound in my throat. "Thank you… for letting me be in there with you," he says.

"It made me feel good," I say. "I forgot about everyone else. It was just me, you, and her."

"I know," he says, cupping my jaw to give me a slow, sweet kiss. "Close your eyes now. I'll be here when you wake up."

I must only sleep for a few minutes before I hear the sound of wheels and soft voices. I open my eyes to see a nurse pushing a bassinet, talking to Jackson with tiny Selah Joy swaddled in the pink blanket we brought from home. She's wearing a tiny hat - also ours - with her name embroidered on it, too. "Hi, mom," the nurse says. "I can take her back if you wanna get some shut-eye. But she was hungry, and I thought you'd like to try breastfeeding. If you're interested, that is."

"I am," I say sleepily, rubbing one eye.

She hands me my baby and instantly, everything locks into place. Selah blinks up at me and I see her eyes for the first time - right now, they're a deep azure that will probably lighten with time. Or maybe, it won't. She can't quite focus, but I smile anyway and nuzzle her nose with my own. "Hi, sweetheart," I whisper. "I'm gonna learn how to feed you."

The nurse helps me situate my breast in a comfortable position for both me and the baby, and Jackson watches with one arm around my shoulders. Selah has a hard time latching at first, but it doesn't take her long. After about fifteen minutes of fussing and struggling, she roots and finds my nipple, latching like a pro. It's a strange feeling but not a bad one, and I'm proud of us both. "So hungry," Jackson says, touching the tiny shell of her ear. "Already taking after Mama."

"Hey," I say, shooting him a look over my shoulder. I don't keep my eyes on him for long, though, because I don't want to stop looking at my perfect baby.

As she's nursing, my doctor comes in with a gentle smile on her face. "Already breastfeeding," she says, sitting on a stool. "That's wonderful. It only propels the notion that she's perfectly fine. Everything about her is healthy. Her lungs look great, her heart is doing fine, and her blood tests all came back normal. She was just ready to be out. She was all done, she wanted to see the world."

"What does that mean for us, then?" I ask, stroking Selah's back.

"We'll keep you here tonight so you can sleep," the doctor says. "All of you. But when you're ready, tomorrow you can go home. She can, too."

"Really?" I ask.

"Really," she says with a grin.

…

Athena doesn't know we're coming home the next day. When Maggie dropped her off at school, she didn't tell her much besides that myself, Selah and Jackson are all doing well. It put Athena at ease, but I can't wait to see how she'll react to seeing us in person. I'm a little nervous, admittedly, wondering what she'll think of her sister. But I can only hope for the best.

I'm sitting on the couch with Jackson when I hear the front door come open. "I saw the car," Athena says. "Are they home? Did they come home, and you didn't tell me?"

"Go look and see for yourself," Maggie says.

I hear hurried footsteps and then she appears, pausing in the entryway for a split second as she takes in the sight. I have Selah in a soft, pink sleeper, hat on her head and booties on her feet, and Athena's eyes grow to the size of dinner plates when she sees her. She runs forward and stops on a dime, though, hands to her chest as her face toils with emotion. "How is she here?" she asks, blinking hard.

She sits down a few cushions away, both hands over her heart, and tries not to cry. I laugh a little, saying, "Are you okay?" She can't answer, though. She pinches her eyes shut tight and her lower lip trembles, unable to say a word. "Are you happy?" I ask, prompting her. She nods, breath hitching as she opens her eyes to see her sister. She wipes her tears, unable to look anywhere else, and I ask, "Do you wanna hold her?"

She nods eagerly, sniffling at the same time. "How is she here?" she asks again, voice croaky as I stand, and she waits.

"She's healthy," I say. "We knew she was coming home, but we wanted to surprise you."

I lower Selah into Athena's waiting arms, posed like I assume Maggie taught her while we were gone. The baby is comfortable, fingers moving, and she touches Athena's cheek as she adjusts. Athena stares down at her, wide-eyed and amazed, tears still rolling down her face. It doesn't even look like she's breathing, the moment is so much. With her lips parted, she keeps her eyes locked on the baby, arms in a steady hold, and my emotions are out of control. I'm experiencing too many emotions to name, but I let it happen. I don't need to place a finger on my feelings right now. Soaking them up is enough.

"Look at you," I say. "You're such a good sister." She sniffles again and closes her mouth, grinning gently at Selah whose eyes are closed and restful. "Do you love her?" I ask.

For the first time, she looks into my eyes instead. She doesn't respond with words - she doesn't have to. She just nods, keeping my gaze for only a moment before looking back to the baby who has begun to fall asleep. While admiring her face, she inhales slowly, smile growing. She takes a deep breath then lowers her head to kiss Selah's cheek, lingering after. Then, she nods again and whispers, "I love her."