9

APRIL

"I really can't believe she's getting married."

"I know. It makes me feel so old."

I laugh softly and rest my hands on Jackson's chest, leaning against the wall as he traps me in. "That's because you are," I say. "Ancient. Me, on the other hand, I'm very young."

Jackson snorts and shakes his head, eyes rolling as he goes. I reach to touch the gray hairs that have begun to sprout in his beard, the few on his chin. I happen to think they're sexy, but I still make fun of him. "40 next year…" he sings.

"Okay, Mr. Over the Hill," I say.

"Hey," he says. "Not yet."

"Close enough," I say as he kisses me. Our foreheads press together, and I feel him smile against my mouth, trapping my arms between our bodies as his hands find a low place on my hips.

When I pull away, he leans in again, but I touch his lips with one finger and push his head back. "Hey," he says indignantly, opening his eyes to look at me.

"We're not gonna do this at our daughter's wedding," I say, eyes wide. "I have to draw the line somewhere."

"Draw it a little further," he says, tracing the subtle zipper along the back of my matron of honor dress. He pinches the top of it between his thumb and first finger, threatening to drag it down while saying, "And draw it with your dress off."

"How are you like this every single day?" I ask, laughing as I grab the insides of his elbows to force them down.

"It's a gift," he chuckles, dropping a kiss on my cheek. "But fine. I'll be good."

"I know you will," I say, resting against the wall again as I study his face. I place my hands on his shoulders and move my thumbs in circles, then frame his face a few seconds later. "It's a big day," I say.

He sighs and tips his head to the side, resting his cheek in my palm. "Our little girl," he says, smiling sadly.

"Well, she's not so little anymore," I say. "23 isn't little."

"She'll always be little to me," he says.

"That's true," I say, then smile. "Sometimes, when I look at her face, I can still see her at 7. Sitting next to me at the piano as she figured out how to play." Something pangs inside my chest. "I'm making myself sad," I say.

"Me, too," he says, overlapping my hand with his. "Let's have another baby."

I laugh incredulously. "That's what you're getting out of this?" He nods playfully, wrapping his arms tight around my waist to pull me in for a hug, face in my neck. "I don't think so."

"My swimmers still work," he mutters.

"Jackson, stop," I say, smacking him lightly on the back.

"I know," he says, lifting up to meet my eyes. "I'm kidding. Babe, I'm kidding."

He holds the back of my head and kisses me as an amendment. I trail my fingers through his trimmed beard, and he grips my waist with his free hand, squeezing generously as the small sound I make disappears into his mouth. This time, I don't push him away. I let him rile me up and make my blood pump faster, so much so that when a voice sounds from outside the door, I nearly miss it. "Mama," Selah says. "Mom!"

I pull away from Jackson but keep my hands where they are on his face. "Yeah?" I call, head turned towards the door. He nuzzles my cheek, grazing his lips along my jaw. "What is it, honey?"

"Can you come out?"

I giggle and crinkle my neck as Jackson blows warm air into my ear, then shove him away with my shoulder. "What do you need?" I ask. "Is everything alright?"

"Thena needs you. I know you and Dad are in there! Can you please just come out?"

"Shit," Jackson smiles, and I unravel from him for good.

I try and straighten myself before opening the door, putting every hair back in its place and checking my compact to make sure my makeup stayed as it should. Luckily, we didn't get far, so my look hasn't changed. When I open the door, my younger daughter stands there in her bridesmaid's dress, hair done-up and beautiful, expectant and irritated. "She's asking for you," she tells me. "She has been for like, ever."

"Sorry, honey," I say. "I'm here now."

"She's crying and you're like, making out in a closet," Selah says, and Jackson stifles a chuckle. "It's not funny, dad," she says, in a typical 15-year-old fashion.

"I'm not laughing, Birdie, I promise," he says. "I'm not."

"Yeah, sure," she says, shooting him a glare. "She wants you, mom. I tried to help, but she didn't wanna talk to me. So, I told her I'd go and get you."

"Alright," I say. "Is she in the dressing room?"

"Yeah."

"Am I coming, too?" Jackson asks.

"No," Selah says. "She just wants Mom."

"Alright, well dang," Jackson says. "Yesterday's trash is gonna go see how sound check is going, then."

I walk with Selah after Jackson breaks away and stop once we get to the dressing room door. I can hear small sniffles coming from inside, a sound that breaks my heart in two. "Can I have some time alone with her?" I ask. "I think that's probably what she needs right now."

"Alright," Selah agrees.

"Go make sure your dad doesn't cause any trouble," I say.

She rolls her eyes. She does it so much, I'm surprised they haven't gotten caught in the back of her head by now. "Fine," she says lightly, then walks in the direction he went in.

After she goes, I lean on the door jamb and knock softly. "Athena?" I say.

"Mama?" she calls. "Is that you?"

"Yeah," I say. "Can I come in?"

"It's open."

I walk through the door to find my daughter sitting in front of the lit-up mirror, long-sleeved wedding dress on with the veil beside her. Her makeup is smudged around her eyes and her cheeks are shiny with tears; her posture is of someone who's been crying for a while. "Oh, sweetheart," I say, hurrying to sit next to her. I wrap my arms around her shoulders and she falls into me like she used to when she was young, leaning all of her weight on my body. I accept it and hold her tight, closing my eyes as I kiss her hair. "I'm here," I say, rubbing her arm. "Tell me what's going on."

I've been in Athena's life for over 15 years now, and we've gone through our fair share of ups and downs like any mother/daughter duo would. I legally adopted her when she was 9 years old, almost 10, and she started calling me 'Mama' a bit before then. Always 'Mama'. It's a special moniker that began as 'Mama April' and ended up shortening itself naturally. Myla was always 'Mom' or 'Mommy.' The relationship between Athena and me is an entirely different entity, so it deserved a different name.

"I'm happy but I'm so scared," she admits, shoulders trembling. "I have no idea what I'm doing. I never thought I was too young to get married before, but maybe I am. Am I making a huge mistake?" She sniffles and wipes her nose with a balled-up tissue. "I don't know. I don't know anything."

I let her words sink in as I pull her closer and rock from side to side. She rests her cheek on my chest plate, in the crook between my neck and shoulder, and drapes her arms around me. She's not a big person by any means, so we're decently comfortable like this. "It's so normal to feel the way you're feeling," I say. "If you weren't scared, I'd be worried."

"I don't wanna be scared, though," she says. "It's not like me."

I laugh lightly and say, "I know. But this isn't like anything else you've ever done. You're gonna share your life with Luke, and that's a beautiful thing. He's a wonderful man who loves you so, so much. You know I wouldn't have let him get this far if I didn't think he'd give you the world."

"I know," she says, giggling tearfully.

"Everyone pictures their wedding day as this fabulous time full of photo-ops and glamour and… I don't know, all the stuff you see in magazines. But magazines don't show the little moments, where you cry on your mom's shoulder in your wedding dress and wonder if walking down the aisle is gonna ruin your life."

"Right," she whimpers.

"You are young," I say. "But you've never acted your age. Not since the day I met you. The thing is… with you, Athena, you know what you want, and you go for it. 23 is young, but you've been with Luke since high school. I married your dad when I was 28; there isn't much difference."

"I bet you didn't feel like this, though," she says.

"Oh, yes I did," I say.

"What?" she says, sitting up. I look at her face and the tears caught in her lower lashes, then dab them away with my thumb. "No, you didn't. I'd remember."

"I couldn't cry in front of you," I say. "You were only 9. I couldn't let you see how scared I was, and I didn't want him to know, either. It was the last thing I wanted, for either of you to think I was afraid of the choice I was making. My whole life had already changed, being that we were all living together, and Selah was already born. But marriage… it was such a huge word for me back then. It still is. I take mine and your dad's marriage seriously. I felt too young for everything that was on my plate. I had an infant and a little girl who needed me, and I was about to have a husband, too. My life three years prior to that was so different. I never thought I would be where I was, and I wasn't sure the younger version of me would approve of it. But like you're crying with me right now, I had Izzie and Steph. And they asked me... that of all the fears I had, what was the worst? And I thought about it for a while. At first, I didn't know, but then I realized. The absolute worst thing I could imagine was losing what I had, losing all of you. I knew my life was gonna change, and it did. It was just as scary as I thought it would be... but it was beautiful, too. It's still beautiful. And your dad…" I close my eyes and shake my head. "Acts like a maniac. He makes mistakes all the time and so do I. But the thing about marriage is that you work through them together. You compromise and eventually, it becomes a habit. You get pissed at your spouse, you don't understand them sometimes, but at the end of the day, that's your person. You chose them and they chose you, and you're creating a beautiful life together. That's what marriage is about. It's based in that uncertainty. The rickety foundation might last for a while. A couple years, even. But it'll go away in time. Because you won't have to fix it on your own. You won't have to be scared on your own. That's why Luke's here, baby. He loves you. You know how much he loves you… I promise, you're making the right decision. The fact that you're scared of messing everything up is proof of it. It proves that you're taking it for what it is - something big. This will change your life, of course it will. But it'll change for the better."

She lets out a long breath, lips puffing out as her shoulders cave in. Then, she leans over and I give her a hug, then a kiss on her head. "How come you always know what to say?" she asks.

"You learn," I say. "After plenty of years saying the wrong thing, the right thing happens now and again."

"You're the best," Athena says.

"I'm not," I say. "But I raised the best. You're a force of nature, baby. You always have been." She lets out a long, content breath and I sit her up to let my eyes roam her face. "I'll fix your makeup," I say. "Then we should get going, if you're ready. Are you?"

She nods and I get to work, making small touch-ups here and there from what her crying spell ruined. It doesn't take much, and I happen to be pretty skilled with a brush, so by the time I'm done, she looks good as new. I stand behind her in the full-length mirror and beam at my daughter, pride swelling in my chest over the woman she is today. "When you married Dad," she says. "Did you feel her there with you?"

"My mom?" I ask, though I don't need the clarification. She nods and I say, "Of course."

"So, it's not weird that I feel Myla here now?" she asks.

"Not at all."

"I like to picture Grandma with her," she says. "Grandma Kelley."

"Oh, so do I," I say. "I think they would be great friends."

"And this dress," Athena says, trailing her fingers down the long sleeves I wore when I married her father. "She would love it."

"Those sleeves," I say warmly. "They're what she dreamed of for me. For us now."

She leans her temple against mine and closes her eyes. "I'm really proud to be wearing it," she says. "Can we pass it down to Selah, too? When she's ready?"

"Of course," I say. "If she wants it."

"She will," Athena says. "I'll tell her later. Right now, I kinda want it to just be me and you."

I turn her around and frame her face, admiring my beautiful daughter. "Me and you," I echo.

…

The wedding ceremony is beautiful as I knew it would be. Jackson cries as he gives his little girl away and Luke cries as he receives her. My eyes are teary as they recite their vows, and Selah holds my hand from where she stands behind me. Everything comes together in a stunning culmination, even more gorgeous than I pictured. I didn't know my heart could feel like this, as I watch the young girl I raised take the step into a new phase of her life. She's letting go of my hand and spreading her wings, and I never thought she would be ready for this day. She clung to my side for so long, even longer than Selah who's 8 years younger. She hated letting me out of her sight and used me as a security blanket for many years. I know that bond won't go away, it could never disappear, but as of now I'm not the only safety net in her life. She has a circle, a wide ring of people who love her and whom she can depend on. She knows she can trust them. She knows we'll never leave her, which is something that took her many years to learn.

During the reception, I'm sitting with Jackson and Selah at the head table while the band in the corner plays a cover of First Day of My Life by Bright Eyes. We get word that the father/daughter dance is next, but before Jackson walks away, he stands and says in my ear, "You'd sing this better."

"Shush," I say.

"Put it on your next cover album," he says.

"Maybe," I say, waving him towards the dance floor. "Go on. Your daughter's waiting."

He smirks over his shoulder and Selah takes his chair, leaning against my side. I kiss her hair and rest my cheek on top of her head as we watch her father and sister find the dance floor. "Daddy's a fool," she murmurs.

"I know," I say, smiling.

"But he's your fool, right?"

I nod. "Definitely," I say.

"Don't do a cover album," she says, "I like your original songs better. I think you should do another one of just them, like what you did for Skyline Sun."

"I will," I say. "Your dad just likes my covers. He has a soft spot for them."

"'Cause that's what you were singing when you met," she says.

"Exactly," I say.

I sing for an independent label, having produced four albums now. I'm on a break at the moment, but I'll start work on the fifth soon. Now that Athena is grown and Selah at a less dependent age, I fly to LA frequently. I can do some of the work locally, but when touring and press comes into play, I travel a lot. My fame isn't worldwide or anything that's on a large scale, but it's enough. I sing for a living, which is what I always wanted. And I get to have my family, too, which is my dream. I can finally have both.

Selah and I get up and stand at the edge of the dance floor as Jackson and Athena dance to Vincent by Don McLean. She rests her hands on his shoulders and he keeps his on her rib cage, and they talk quietly so only the other can hear. He mutters something that makes her laugh, the wide smile taking over her entire face, then she rests her head on his chest as he sways. While watching them, I keep an arm around Selah and remember how Jackson held Athena the night of her 8th birthday and danced to this same song. I wonder if it makes her feel sad like it did when she was younger; I almost hope that it does. The melancholy power hasn't left, and the feeling still sits in my chest as present as it did the first time I heard it. Her mother loved this song and her mother loved her. I hope she'll always hold onto that notion through the notes.

After it ends, Jackson gives her a big hug and the band plays something more upbeat with a quicker rhythm. It's The Sweetest Thing by Camera Obscura, and I tug Selah onto the dance floor which earns me a happy shriek from her. I take both of her hands and we jump up and down to the beat, crazy grins painting our faces as wisps of hair fly out of the fancy up-dos they had been plaited into. She looks at me with a sparkle in her eyes and I linger for a long moment, hoping to remember the joy in how she looks right now.

When that song ends, and another comes on - Marry Me by Train - we stop jumping and Jackson comes up behind his daughter to touch her shoulder. "May I cut in?" he asks jokingly, and she rolls her eyes and giggles.

"Sure," she says, then seeks out Izzie who's admiring the cake.

Jackson takes me in his arms, and I fall into him as I always have. He tucks a piece of flyaway hair behind my ear and looks at me softly, tipping his head just a bit. "You're beautiful," he says.

"So are you," I say, smirking.

I rest my cheek over his heart, and we don't do much dancing at all. We just move with the music, our hands linked on one side and on the other, his on my waist and mine on his shoulder. I like us best this way. "Marry me," he whispers, lips moving right against my ear. "All over again."

I tip my head up and blink slowly, and he takes the cue to kiss me. "Today and every day," I sing along with the lyrics, and all he needs to do is kiss me again.

…

When the time for dancing is over and everyone is back in their seats eating cake, Athena stands with the microphone to give a speech I had no idea she was going to make. "Hi, everyone," she says with a demure grin. "First of all, I want to thank you for coming. We're having such a great time, and it wouldn't be the same without each and every one of you here. We're so lucky to have such amazing people in our lives." Luke smiles up at her from where he sits, and I feel my heart swell because of it. I know the look in his eyes well; I see it in Jackson's almost every day. "I just wanted to take a second to shine light on a few people here," Athena continues. "First of all, my husband." She looks at him and he smiles again, so hard it makes my cheeks hurt. "You're the love of my life, Luke. Since 11th grade, it's been you and it'll always be you. We went from sneaking kisses under the bleachers to kissing in your car down the street so my dad wouldn't catch us…" Jackson groans theatrically, which makes everyone laugh. "To kissing in my dorm room while my roommate was gone, to kissing backstage at the music hall. I feel so lucky to have had you as my partner for the most important years of my life, and I can't wait for all the important ones to come. I love you." She bends at the waist and gives him a kiss, and everyone claps as she stands back up. "I want to thank my dad, too," she says. "Number one, for paying for so much of the wedding. Thanks, dad!" Jackson makes yet another sound, ever the comedian, to get some more laughs. "But I wanna thank him for always believing in me and always trying with me. I wasn't the easiest kid and he didn't always know how to handle me, but we made it through. I wouldn't be who I am right now if it weren't for him. I love you, daddy." Jackson smiles and blows her a kiss. "And my baby sister, Selah. Who keeps me strong and always listens whether I'm making sense or not. I could go on and on about you, but I won't embarrass you. I love you, Birdie." Selah smiles and then Athena's eyes land on me. "And lastly, comes my mama. The woman so integral to how I grew up, to how I discovered myself, and how I was introduced to the world around me. She shaped my life in ways I had no idea were possible. She came to me when I was 7 years old - most of you know my biological mom died when I was born. April was my nanny first, but my dad and I fell in love with her way too hard to let her go. She's everything to me and she always has been. If anyone is the force of nature around here, it's her." She smiles and my eyes glisten in the same way hers do. "I love you, mama."

Jackson squeezes my knee with the hand that rests there, and Selah hugs me from the side. I close my eyes and let the tears fall over, then press a hand to my heart. I look Athena deeply in the eyes and mouth in return, "I love you, too."