WARNING: This collection contains OFFENSIVE/SENSITIVE/TRIGGERING stuff. If you feel uncomfortable reading DEATH/ANGST, you may stop at any time and not proceed. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Harrowing Times

He had not seen day or night. It had always been the bright hospital lights for him. Perhaps the only darkness he had seen was when his eyes finally shut longer than a minute out of exhaustion. He almost lost track of time; how long had it been since all of these started?

A month ago, everyone was chatting excitedly about visiting families over the New Year holidays, and then people started planning their leave and putting their plans in action. People had been moving across the country in the past few weeks leading up to the country's largest celebration.

However, something had also been running in parallel with their countdown to their well-deserved holidays. It started out small, unsuspecting, or perhaps even baffling to some. They thought it odd, but with merely two initial cases, they wrote it off as a few anomalies seemingly related to one seafood market. What they did not seem to realise then was it was just the beginning of something serious and deadly; a new type of coronavirus related to the SARS outbreak almost two decades ago.

Also in the past few weeks, people had been flooding into clinics and hospitals, all with alarmingly similar symptoms. Too many came in in a too short amount of time, and quickly they were overwhelmed. First they ran out of beds, then they ran out of resources, and now with some of the staff down with the infection, they could see staffing issues crashing down on them.

A little more than a week ago, the government imposed a city-wide lockdown on Wuhan. And he was right in the middle of this mess when things started to escalate.

There had been some cover-ups, someone was attempting to clamp down the truth. People who spoke up about their concerns were oppressed. Although they were definitely quicker to react than in the last outbreak in their country, they were nevertheless late. And to save the whole nation, sacrificing one city was deemed necessary, even if it might mean entering a war under-equipped.

It was as if everything was conditioned for the proliferation of this outbreak; it was New Year, people traffic was at its peak, covering every corner of the country, and since everyone would be on vacation, workplaces, especially factories, would be vacant, and many would spend their vacations overseas, if not at home with family and friends. All of these meant no one would be producing the much needed personal protective equipment (PPE), and many would be spreading the virus unknowingly like Trojan horses, both in and out of the nation. All of these added up in a grim equation that sent the epidemic situation spiralling out of control.

"Yao."

He heard his name ringing out. His eyes snapped open and his whole body jolted. It appeared that he dozed off at some point. His startled eyes turned bleary soon enough as he tried to blink to focus his eyesight. He looked towards the source of the voice. A tired-looking young man stood at the door, ruffling his own hair. His nametag bore the characters "Li Kai". He yawned and said, "Break time's over. Time for our shift."

"So soon?" Yao thought, his own verbal response was yet another yawn. Nevertheless, he picked himself up from his chair and stood up straight, drawing out his full height and letting out a few popping noises from his joints while he stretched. After straightening his white coat, Yao sluggishly reached out for his abandoned mug on a nearby table. Kai seemed to understand what he was planning, so he fished out a packet of instant coffee from his pocket. "This is my last pack, so if we ever survive this, you will have to pay me back," muttered Kai. Yao could only muster a hollow chuckle, waving his hand dismissively. He replied, "Sure… Just remind me again, yeah?"

After his brief coffee fix, they were now walking down the hospital corridor towards their assigned workplace. They were now gowned up in full PPE and left nothing exposed to the outside air.

"How's the emergency field hospital construction coming along?" asked Yao, keeping his line of sight straight ahead.

"I heard it will be finished tomorrow, right on schedule. Then medical staff and equipment can then be sent in," replied Kai.

Yao nodded. "… At least that's good news, the only one so far…"

They had been notified of the PPE shortage in his hospital ever since the cases were rising. "The manufacturer had still yet to be able to fulfil our order. The whole country is in dire need of PPE, and now they are swamped with urgent demands," lamented the lady managing the distribution and rationing of PPE earlier when they collected theirs for their shift. While they had received various international aids, which they were forever thankful of, those were nonetheless perishable equipment that had to be disposed of after a certain period of usage, not to mention all front-liners in the country needed them. To stretch their supplies further, they had resorted to donning the same set of PPE for more than a day, not even taking it off when going to the washroom (adult nappies, an unorthodox solution they adopted after swallowing their pride, could easily take care of any desperate needs), when their breaths had fogged up their safety goggles, or even when sleeping. The reason why Yao had to get a new one was because his had been heavily contaminated beyond rescue in his last shift by coming into contact with hundreds of potentially infected patients physically, and having worn it for three days straight.

Yao had not seen the city outside of the hospital building ever since the lockdown started, but from what he gathered from the occasional quick chitchat among his colleagues, the city had turned into a dead city. No one was out on the streets, shopping in malls, dining in eateries, going to school or work, riding public transport or driving on the network of roads; not a soul was sighted. The only people still out there were disinfection task forces, ambulances, food delivery staff, police on patrol and soldiers assigned to guard the city borders. No one was allowed in or out. Of course, there were stubborn people who chose to go on their daily lives as if the virus was a hoax and everything was fine and dandy, only to get shooed back to their homes, or even arrested in some cases. He had even heard people mention something about local enforcement teams nailing wooden planks across doors to some homes, because apparently those people could not be trusted solely with their locked doors.

Yao's current shift was not different from the previous ones. He had to triage incoming patients, treat them and monitor their conditions. By treating, it meant purely symptomatic treatment, as there was no cure at that moment. There were some proposed drug candidates, but none of their efficacies and safeties were proven so far.

The corridors and waiting areas were inundated by patients who had yet to have their hospital beds allocated, as well as doctors, nurses and some family members of the patients. Besides moans of suffering, cries of anguish and sorrow could be heard echoing. Every day, hundreds and thousands of patients would come to the hospital, and every day hundreds would die. It was a difficult sight to behold; patients came in seriously ill, they put them on ventilators, pump in medications hoping to alleviate their suffering, only to see many of them losing the struggle against the virus and passing away. Patients died without loved ones around them and without dignity; their last moments were often in pain, and any corpses would have to be incinerated as soon as possible to prevent from infecting others. When the patients were still alive, Yao and his colleagues had to calm the distressed ones as well as empathise with their physical and emotional sufferings. When they died, they would never have a proper burial or one last goodbye among family and friends before leaving this madness of a world.

All nurses had, at this point, cut off their long hair to make their jobs easier and also to prevent cross-contamination. He soon followed their example. His ponytail would eventually have a second chance, he decided, whereas his patients would not. Yao could sometimes see hospital staff dozing off on their seats from the burnout. Occasionally, he could also hear nurses crying out in frustration. Normally, he would have frowned at such behaviour. But now, he had grown numb. He would not blame them for venting their pent-up emotional stress, but someone had to get work done, right? So he forced himself to put on a calm front, to provide stability in these times of confusion, to be the silent rock patients and colleagues could rely on. He along with others worked more than twenty-four hours per shift, often without relief, only earning a mere few hours of respite before having to plunge into the chaos again.

"Have you heard? The doctor who spoke up about the outbreak? He's tested positive today."

Yao's eyes widened slightly at that statement, his body unmoving. Kai was silently watching his friend. After a few seconds of silence, Yao finally asked, "His condition?" Kai frowned and replied, "He's in ICU. Not good." Yao did not know what to say. Deep inside, he knew this meant the coffin's nails were halfway nailed. However, he did not want to express it out loud, at least not his despair. He exhaled lightly and mused, "We both know how it would go…"

"… True. Unless, there is a miracle…"

"There is no miracle…"

Silence reigned again. Kai then cleared his throat and said, "Well, someone's going to keep hoping, right? We might not be able to see the end yet, but we'll get there someday."

Yao only nodded lightly at that. Yeah, he had to keep striving. People were depending on him. Even if it was bleak, everyone just had to hold out until a solution was found. Cancer and AIDS were once metaphoric death sentences, but medical knowledge advancement eventually had given patients a fighting chance. Therefore, there was something to hang onto…

That was a little more than a week ago.

Now, Yao was trudging through a bright corridor. Strangely enough, this corridor was void of any signs of human life except for him. But he thought that was for the best. Although he had never imagined himself looking like hell, he was pretty certain that he was now, and no one needed to witness that.

Five days ago, the doctor they mentioned in their conversation was pronounced dead after hours of rescue attempt. He left behind parents, a wife, a son and an unborn baby. None of them had the chance to see him one last time when he took his last wheezing breath, and not even his body before cremation. It was kind of a blow to them that the person dubbed as the whistle-blower was killed by the very virus he tried to raise alert about. For a moment, everyone lost their morale after hearing the news. It was as if the real possibility of frontline staff dying from the coronavirus further cemented before their eyes. Many did not take the news well, including Yao, but he did not let any emotion slide. All he showed was a distressed sigh, a quick raking through his hair by his fingers and nothing else. It was not that the death of yet another life in the long battle against the coronavirus meant nothing to them, but because there were other patients in need of their care that he simply could not spare more time to mourn over the loss of a comrade. Furthermore, as mentioned before, someone needed to be the rock. So that was what he did, continuing to give his all in the battlefield against an invisible enemy that had claimed the lives of many.

"Dr Wang?"

He vaguely heard someone calling him. His weary march slowed down as his eyes wandered the space in front of him before pausing on a female nurse standing a few steps ahead. Her brown eyes were filled with concern. Apprehensively, she started, "Doctor, are you alright?" Yao did not respond immediately, instead he stared at her face where a face mask once was. She had taken it off as it was her break. He stared at the imprint scars on her cheeks and forehead. Wearing face masks and protective goggles for long periods of time had bruised her face. Others' were similar too, and he betted his face was not any better. They had put in so much effort into stopping the epidemic, which should have been called a pandemic at this point, sacrificing everything they got. But for what? People still expired en masse, even the ones trying to save them fell victim too.

Suddenly, Yao found it difficult to look at her. Unblinking, he looked away and moved his legs, only for them to give way and make him stumble. She made a few frantic steps forward to catch him. Luckily, he managed to regain his footing and recover from the fall by slamming a palm onto the wall next to him before he hit the floor. As rapid as his reflexes, Yao stammered, "I-I'm fine." And then he straightened himself and burst into a brisk walk, escaping the scene as quickly as possible. The nurse halted in her steps, only turning around to watch his retreating figure disappear at the corner.

"Is he alright? He's been out of it after… that…" she wondered out loud.

The same five days ago, Kai had unfortunately contracted the coronavirus from a patient and had to be treated in an isolation room. It started with an unsuspecting cough, and then a fever showed up, followed by a shortness of breath. He was diagnosed with the infection the day after.

Yao had reached the pantry where he used to take brief naps. He prayed that no one was in there when he pushed the door open, and his prayers were answered. He closed the door behind him. After leaning on the door for a few seconds, he locked it for good measure. He could not really think straight now and his feet kicked into autopilot mode. When he finally regained his senses, he was already facing a corner. He let out a shaky breath, slowly spun around, leaned against the wall and finally slid down to the floor.

Three days ago, Kai's condition suddenly worsened and they had to hook him onto a ventilator. Watching him breathe was heart-wrenching. Numerous intubations were done as he could not feed nor breathe normally anymore. Throughout the ordeal, Kai was conscious though. He would look at Yao and would always manage to smile at him, without fail. "Don't look so grim. You look like you're wishing bad things on me. You still owe me coffee, so I'll be there to get it back from you…"

His legs sprawled out before him, his arms lay limp aside him. Yao stared at nothing in particular. He could see the recent memories replaying in his mind…

Hours ago, Yao had just finished attending to yet another newly diagnosed patient. Suddenly someone ran towards him, yelling, "Dr Wang! We need your help!" Before he could ask for more details, the same person added, "Code blue, Room 231!"

Yao froze. 231… Kai. Next thing he knew, he was already sprinting down the corridor like no tomorrow towards the room in question. He might have run into many people and things, but he could not care at all. Moments later, he was desperately trying to resuscitate his friend. After rounds of changing shifts among him and the ICU staff, they were all exhausted. Yet Yao kept at it. He strove against death's tightening grip threatening to take away Kai. He did not know how long it took, but at some point the others seized his arms and yelled at him.

"Stop! Please, stop!"

"He's gone…"

The pleas and shouts from the dishevelled staff led the room falling into dead silence. Only the long beep from the heart rate monitor rang. That was it. They lost again. Another innocent life slipped away from their hands. His mind went blank. He could barely remember being dragged out of the room, struggling against their grips throughout. The nurses and other doctors had to hold him back from running back in. After some time, his struggles eventually died down, and then he was just leaning against the wall. When the others deemed him stable enough, they reluctantly left him behind to return to their duties. Minutes after lingering in the vacant corridor, Yao slowly turned around and trudged away…

He felt painful to breathe. There was a nagging burning sensation in his eyes. He reeled back slowly and leaned his upper body on the wall.

Everything felt so wrong to him. It was Chinese New Year. It should have been a time of reunion, laughter and merriment. But now it was just harrowing times with a massive loss of lives in a short amount of time. And there was nothing he or the others could do.

He clenched his fists. Facing the ceiling, he tried to regulate his rapid breathing; the growing lump in his throat made it effortful. He felt the inability to go on.

It did not really hit him until Kai's demise; what was the point of being a doctor when he could not even do the one thing he was trained for; saving lives?

Sucking in a deep gasp, he let everything go. His hoarse screams echoed in the space as hot tears streamed down his face. Nothing coherent was heard, just plain cries of agony.

The rock had finally reached its breaking point and shattered.