Love Struck Delusion

Chapter 209 - Back to square one.

Raptor's POV, Later that night.

"Knock! Knock! Knock!"

I was nervous to be honest. I felt out of place making this kind of stop when everything else was going on, but I felt convinced I owed Alicia this. She wanted better for me and this was the only way I knew how.

Dressed up in nothing more than a nice pair of denim jeans and a black tee shirt I waited and waited. After a few moments I grew concerned and knocked again.

"Knock! Knock! Knock!"

I cleared my throat and reached behind my back to feel for my Glock which I had tucked just under my shirt around the right side of my tail. As my hand felt the steel, I widened my eyes to the door being moved. Fixing my shirt and making sure I was ready I stared forward as the door opened exposing a familiar brown fox with turtle shell glasses. The second our eyes made contact he stood there like a statue and a stunned ghost of my past all in one. Unable to say a word to me first, I took the chance and greeted with a smile and a nervous voice.

"Hey. Glad you were home."

Dr. Clamer was shocked. You could see him shaking as he questioned my face and soon my entire body. He was still stumped for what to say so I went a step further and said.

"I'm sorry I missed our last appointment. I was…...I was busy. Heheh."

The fox broke his silence to reply while stepping forward with open arms.

"You really think I care about that? It's so good to see you Raptor."

Clamer took me into a deep hug as I lost all my butterflies to his touch. We embraced for a few moments but as expected Clamer pulled away to ask in confusion.

"What the hell has happened to you since we last spoke?"

"Can I come inside? I was hoping to talk with you. If you're not busy."

A smile came over the man as he quickly nodded his head and urged me with a gentle push to my shoulder.

"Busy? You still have a sense of humor I see. Of course we can talk. Come inside."

Walking into his home, I quickly remembered the layout. Making my way slowly into his living room, I sat down on the couch and watched from there as came power walking in to ask.

"So this is not what I expected to happen tonight. You look…..well you look great Raptor. How are you?"

Chuckling I replied.

"I'm okay doc. I could be better but what else is new right?"

Taking a seat across from me in a small loveseat, Clamer began to laugh with me as seconds began to pass. After our small outburst, he said with a sense of concern to his voice.

"I've been doing my best to keep in track with you since we last spoke. A lot has happened since then. Between you reforming the rebellion and retaking this city, to you winning the battle against G.U.N in Afghanistan. To you making the choice to disband from it all. It's been a rough last month for you Raptor and I know you can't have gone through it alone. What's happened to you?"

Keeping myself calm as best as I could, I replied while scratching my neck.

"I don't know where to really begin doc. Everything has been in a downward spiral since I was last here."

"Then start slow. Take your time."

Sitting back in my seat I replied with a calm voice.

"Well you know most of it already it seems. I've done my best to lead the rebellion forward. To try and make something happen, but now ever since my departure it's….well it's been this. I threw my hands up to urge him to look around." The fox nodded his head and questioned.

"But back when we last spoke we talked about leaders. Shadow if I recall correctly. You were so sure of what it meant to be a good leader. What changed? Why all the sudden have you decided to leave that life behind?"

"I haven't left it. Have you seen my interview?"

Nodding replied.

"I have yes, Raptor I have. That's why I'm a little concerned. For the years we've known one another you have always been set in your ways. What caused such a radical change in your beliefs?"

Sitting back up and letting out a gentle sigh I replied.

"I think what changed is me. Nothing happened that caused me to see differently."

Clamer gave me this concerned look now as I wondered what he was about to say. Soon however he said it with a lower tone of voice

"I heard about Alicia and the kids Raptor."

I took my eyes away and looked right down between my legs as he stated.

"I'm so sorry what happened to them. They did not deserve that. No one does. But I can't sit here and pretend like I don't know you. You can be in denial Raptor, but don't lie to me by saying their deaths had no effect on you and your way of thinking. Losing something that close to your heart can never not change a man. I can see in your body language. You are hurt. Maybe not physically, but your heart aches and I'm willing to say to you that ever since that happened you've changed as a man. You remember what you told me about Abbey? About Juile"

"I do." I whispered back as he just stared at me as I kept my eyes away from his.

"Aren't you upset?"

I had no ability to answer that question. I refused to as the fox waited for me to say something. After a minute of silence he asked again.

"Raptor? Aren't you upset? Please don't pretend you're fine just because you have an image you feel you have to uphold."

I kept silent. I wasn't going to answer that. I couldn't.

"Raptor I'm not one of your friends. I'm not one of your soldiers. I consider myself closer then that. Why else did you come back here to speak to me if that wasn't the case? You don't have to hold it all inside. You don't have to pretend to not care or pretend that you need to be a man about this. You can open up. You can, I swear to you."

Unaware to me a tear came out from my right eye and soon my left. I was absolutely silent as he grew sadder by the second watching me break apart. I kept myself away from looking still when all the sudden he stood up to come over to my side of the couch. Sitting down right next to me I felt his hand rest on my back as he whispered.

"You don't have to keep this bottled up. You don't. Talk to me. Please Raptor."

I went to say something but it turned into a hiccup as I went to talk. A hiccup that showed my inner sadness as I actually began to cry. It was hard to keep my voice stable as I mumbled through tears.

"I came here for them. Alicia wanted me to get help back then and I feel like I failed her by not trying hard enough to open myself up. You must understand I'm not an emotional person. I don't enjoy talking about my past and I don't expect help in return. I just expect more judgement from others and that does nothing but affect my sanity. Having others judge me based on my beliefs."

"You need to open up though Raptor. Not to them but to me. I'm here to help you. I know we almost never saw eye to eye and you viewed me as an inconvenience but now I think you are starting to understand. This was never about judging you. This was about listening to you and helping you through it. Step by step I can talk to you about this. But I need to know what you're feeling deep down to get an understanding."

"Well how do you think I would feel doc? How do you think a murderer like me would react to losing the three best things to ever enter my life? Huh?"

I looked back to him with a wet face as he questioned.

"You're not a murderer. Stop labeling yourself as one."

"You don't know what happened to my baby girl!" I cried as he now realized I was snapping in two. Looking away and back towards the chair he was once in, I let out a deep breath to mutter.

"My family was killed right in front of me doc. I got to feel Alicia bleed out right in my arms. I never even got the chance to say goodbye before a bullet crushed her skull."

Clamer held himself there with a stone stare as I cried.

"I was forced to shoot my own fucking son! "My voice couldn't help but scream as I took the chance to stand up and try to restrain my emotions from further bleeding out. I had to move. I started to pace the room and for a moment I thought I could relax, but all the sudden every thought about Midnight hit me all at once. Dr. Clamer widened his eyes as I reached behind my back to pull out my Glock. Pointing it at the chair no more than a few feet to my left I shouted at him.

"I couldn't fucking handle it after that! I shot Abbey and all that pain came back the second I shot Ghost! I couldn't control myself! So with my daughter left in my arms I shot her to end all the pain! To ensure she wouldn't have to live with those memories like me!"

Standing up as I stood there in pain just aiming at the seat, I kept my eyes down sight as he slowly reached in to touch both my inside arm and the gun. With sadness in his tone he urged me quietly.

"Calm down. I need you to breathe. Okay Raptor?"

"Doc?! I shot my baby girl! That was a choice! I did that because I thought it was all I could do to save her!"

"Stop Raptor." He begged me softly as it was clear he was getting upset too. My hands were shaking and so was the gun. Taking the chance Clamer stepped in front of the barrel to urge me once more.

"Lower the weapon Raptor. Please. Listen to me."

I was shaking uncontrollably and very slowly I loosened my grip over the weapon. Clamer felt it too and gently took the gun from me. I couldn't even stand so I just fell down to my ass and cried asking him at the same time.

"I don't know what to do! I ruined everything! I killed my baby girl and shot my only son! I watched Alicia die and somehow I lived through it! Look!" I begged him as I pointed to the scar on my head from the bullet injury.

Clamer was very focused on me and without a word I watched as he walked over to a small coffee table that was between the couch and the TV. Placing my gun down on it; Clamer turned back around to listen as I cried.

"I'm crazy doc! I thought I was insane when Abbey died but now it's official!"

"You're not crazy Raptor." He tried to tell me as I shook my head to shout at him.

"You don't know what's happened to me since then! Not since they left me alone like this!"

"Then tell me Raptor. He begged me as he came down on his knees to take my hands away from my eyes. He didn't even care that they were wet as I was crying in them. He just held me against his chest and waited as I questioned what to even say from that point on." Looking to his eyes I questioned.

"You wouldn't even believe me if I tried doc."

"Then try Raptor. Try and make me not believe."

For a moment we stared at one another. I felt my body stop shaking as I did as he asked. At first he had no idea what happened, but after maybe three seconds he looked down at my hands so fast he must have felt it happen. His brain was on a delay as I held them in the same place unmoving. What was different was not my hands but his. They were in mine but not in the physical realm no longer. Clamer stared at them, his mind was stunned and he wasn't trying to piece this together. He was stuck there in absolute confusion. Enough where he started to move his hands to see the effect I applied. All I was doing was phasing them out. He could pass through them without issue and after two swipes did he look back up at me in confusion. At that point I lowered my arms and scooted myself a few feet away. With my back hitting the couch I muttered in a lost voice.

"You don't know what I am now."

Clamer struggled but stood up to look at his hands again. I've never in my life managed to make him shut up when we were in the same room together. He always had questions or something to say. This time however he was silent. For the first time ever he was silent. Not saying a fucking word as I continued to softly cry.

"I'm not even sure I'm really alive anymore doc. I don't deserve to be so it would make sense. I'm just a walking husk of what I once was. An outright failure of a father and a demon of my own creation."

Clamer lowered his hands to look back at me in what I felt to be concern. He was still concerned and I had no idea why. Everyone else would be scared if they didn't know me. Why was he any different? I asked myself as he soon managed to find words again. Once back in his throat he spit them out in the form of a single question.

"What are you Raptor?"

With wet eyes and tears running down my face I looked up to him to reply with a false smile.

"A demon."

Clamer was taking that answer very carefully as I went on to state.

"I told you. You wouldn't believe me. You wouldn't understand what I've gone through to make it this far. What I've had to accept and what I've had to do. You never believed me from day one. Never took me seriously when I told you what I did to forget."

In concern he questioned while approaching me from the front.

"What you told me about Abbey? What you told me about those demons you've met? The deal you made to forget?"

Looking back up to him as he came around my right side to sit down on the ground next to me against the couch, I replied.

"I never once lied to you. Not about that."

Chuckling as we were now touching legs he asked to try and lighten the mood.

"Oh so you lied to me though about something else?"

Nodding I replied.

"I lied about how Ghost died. He never was killed by G.U.N during a mission gone wrong. Shadow killed him." Clamer widened his eyes as I went on to state.

"Shadow and I have met the same demon. The same man I made a deal with to forget; he made a deal of his own to attempt to get back his wife Amy and his kids. It required a lot; his deal, and he never got it in the end. He killed Ghost hoping it would be enough. It wasn't. That's the truth of that."

Clamer was stunned but not shocked as I waited for him to say anything. Not getting much I went on to say.

"Shadow was a lot more mentally unstable then I am. He did a lot and went through so much in hopes it would get better."

"But he never got his wish. Did he?" Clamer wondered as I shook my head to reply.

"No."

Things died down for a minute before I was asked.

"This demon you speak of Raptor. Who is he?"

Looking to his eyes I replied.

"He's a god. Not a demon. The god in charge of the underworld or the afterlife. We know him as death."

I could sense Clamer and his thoughts towards my answer each time I gave him one. He was doing all he could to believe me and with that in mind I stated.

"It's a lot to believe doc. The shit that leaves my mouth would strike anyone as false or fantasy. I'm just a crazy person speaking gibberish."

"You're not crazy. This god? Do you know him personally?" He asked me next as I nodded and replied.

"Yeah…..his name is Marcus. A friend if you can believe it. I'm the first real person he's ever trusted with that information. I'm the first mortal he's ever really trusted at all."

Clamer listened closely as I then said into my lap.

"When Alicia and the kids were killed, I almost died with them."

"But he saved you?" He wondered as I replied.

"He brought me back because my time wasn't done. He knew I could do more with my life and for some reason he decided to trust me with some of his power. These crazy abilities I now have control over. At first I thought I was insane and waking up next to their bodies was nothing but a nightmare. But he came to me not soon after I got my shit together and he made me a deal."

"Which was what?" He then asked as I looked back to him to reply.

"He saves my life. Gives me the power needed and the tools required to get revenge on the man who took everything. In return I continue this war and get more people killed. I offer him my soul in return and he lets me do what I want. So long as I don't lose my way."

"Have you killed those men Raptor?" Clamer then asked as I looked right into his eyes to reply.

"Most of them yes. The man who pulled the trigger still lives. I have him hostage with some close friends of mine. I plan to kill him tomorrow."

Clamer was overwhelmed it seemed now as I urged him.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't be telling you all this."

Shaking his head quickly he replied.

"Don't be sorry. It's…..it's just a lot Raptor. You must understand from my point of view what this is all sounding like. You're doing what I wanted for so long. I just wanted you to be honest with your feelings. So please….keep talking. This Marcus you speak of? What does he do?"

At this point I was just running with it and replied without a care to stop myself from saying too much.

"He's the god of death. He keeps track of the living and judges the dead and dying. He does whatever he wants and he has no limits. He's a demented person, but inside he's a person too. I've gotten to know him over the last few weeks."

"A person too? What do you mean?"

With Clamer putting a hand on my shoulder I replied.

"He lived a life once. Got sentenced to being a god because he had so much hatred in his heart at the time the one who came before him saw him as a perfect choice for filling the throne. He was passed the torch and for hundreds of years he roamed and watched the world grow. Live and die he has watched it all happen. From Shadow to myself, he's been watching everything doc."

Clamer lowered his hand as I forced myself up and back onto the couch. Clamer followed and sat with me as I went on to say.

"As fucked as it sounds doc, him and I are friends and he's as real as you are. Chances are he's listening to this now and if he wanted he could pop right in to say hi if he wanted too."

Clamer wasn't ready to ask anything else so I stated in sadness.

"I'm a demi. He's given me his powers. I can do things no one else on this planet can. I can pass through solid matter. I can move without anyone seeing me. I can teleport to a place of my desire. I can read minds. I can sense everything and everyone around me. I can tell you what your neighbor next door is doing right now if you wanted me to." Clamer stared at me in disbelief as I went on to state what he was thinking right to his own face.

"He can read minds?"

Clamer widened his eyes in shock as I smiled and nodded my head to state.

"I can. I can also save lives. I wish I could show you, but I'm not going to subject you to any pain to prove a point."

Clamer was now shaking as he was stunned that I read his mind at all a moment ago. But as I went silent I looked back to his eyes as he urged me.

"You can."

I knew what he meant but questioned anyway.

"What?"

Offering me his hand he replied.

"Hurt me."

"Doc?" I mumbled in disbelief as he shook his head to urge me.

"Don't think about it. Just do it. Here."

Reaching into his pocket he pulled out a pocket knife. Placing it in my right hand he pushed me more by saying.

"Come on. I won't be upset. Just prove to me you can do it."

I was startled. I had no clue he would ever ask me to do something like this. Taking the knife however I undid the small two inch blade to hear him urge with a hand in front of me.

"Do it Raptor. Please. It's okay."

Holding my breath, I dragged the small knife over his palm. Clamer let out a small gasp and held his mouth closed from there as I made a small cut just enough to get some blood. His eyes remained opened as I put the knife down and went to hold his hand with my own. It took no more than three seconds for me to heal the small cut. Once I released his hand he saw it was gone and he had fallen completely silent to the reality he was now in.

Folding his pocket knife back up, I handed him it back and mumbled.

"I'm sorry."

"Raptor?" He replied in absolute loss for how to react.

"I'm not proud of what I've done to get this far doc. I wish I was dead to be honest with you. But I made a deal with the devil and I still have a lot of work to do to get things better. I'm sorry but I think this is all I can handle for tonight."

Clamer widened his eyes as I stood up from the couch to head right over to the coffee table. Bending down to grab back my Glock, I put it back under my shirt and asked, sensing he was trying to find the words to say back to me.

"Can I come back tomorrow night? I would like to talk more. Maybe not put you through things like this though. That's if you'll still have me."

Clamer struggled to stand back up, but once he did I watched as he put the knife back in his pocket to reply.

"Of course I'll have you Raptor. GIve me a call beforehand though so I can ready myself."

I smiled because I was surprised he said yes at all to my request. Clamer looked back to his hand as I went for the door. As I opened it he urged me.

"Please stay safe Raptor. You're not a bad person like you may think. You're not. You just haven't seen it yet."

"Thank you." I replied as I walked out to shut the door.

mT Shadow.