Good enough

From the very first moment, you were quite aware that making your dreams come true and becoming an idol wouldn't be something that easy but that didn't stopped you from trying.

You spent years and years basically studying with great detail every idol in the world. Studying every one of their movements to create your own choreographies; looking with amazement and attention the dressmaking of their outfits to design your own wardrobe while every day, you trained thoroughly your physical condition and voice to one day be able to step alone on a big stage, filled with people watching you while you reach and touch every single one of their hearts with nothing but the best of you.

So one day, tired of have memorized every single detail about idols, you decided to take a step forward to become one and as soon as you entered in high school, you decided to create the school idol club in your first year.

Everything seemed to go smoothly. The club had a lot of girls sharing your same hobbies and dreams, willing, like you, to become an idol one day but soon, that illusion faded as one after one left the club with petty excuses, not bearing the pressure of aiming for nothing more than perfection or maybe it was because something else, you never got to know about it and one day, you found yourself alone in the middle of the auditorium stage.

At the same time as the spotlights switched off, your dreams turned off with them, leaving you immersed in a sea full of insecurities and dark thoughts.

Why did they give up on their dreams so easily? Weren't they supposed to take them seriously or was becoming an idol just a mere hobby for them? Was it because the pressure? Or was it because you weren't good enough? Questions without answers piled up in your mind every day, thinking and replaying what you could possibly have done wrong, making you thought it was your entire fault.

However, that didn't mattered to you, it was your dream after all so something like that wouldn't make you give up so easily, no, you were convinced that one day, you'd become the number one idol in the world and they'd regret it. They'd regret to have abandoned you, they'd envy you while you get to make your dream come true.

But the more time passed, the hardest it became to find anybody wanting to join the club, willing to know more about idols and maybe pursue that dream with you, and slowly, all your excitement, hope and energy started to fade away... soon enough, you became a shadow of the happy little girl you used to be, turning into the bitter and abrasive girl nobody wanted to get close to, neither befriend.

Every day, you heard the whispers behind your back, all those girls judging you, insulting you… Every day, you had to endure their quiet whispering criticizing you, laughing at you. For them, you were a complete loser; you were a dwarf or a gremlin, not pretty enough to be an idol; for them, you didn't have a nice voice to be a singer…

No matter what you did, no matter how much you trained or how much effort you put into things, you'd never be good enough for them or to be an idol, no, you were never enough.

But even like that, every day, you plastered on your best smile and passed by them with your head high as if you didn't have heard anything, as if those comments didn't affected you at all even if the sad truth was that those stupid comments did hurt you quite deeply. Those petty words were like daggers in your sensitive tiny heart that made it bleed profusely.

Every day, you walked around with your best smile, trying to pretend you were strong, even in front of your family, although every night, in the solitude and quietness of your dark room, your cried hard until falling asleep.

Some nights, those words chased you in your dreams, shattering them into pieces until turning them in complete nightmares.

Sometimes, you weren't strong enough to keep away all those words from the depths of your mind and you ended letting them and your insecurities win, making you believe you weren't, in fact, good enough.

In the end, it's not like there was anybody there for you to make you believe otherwise, so those words might be true after all or that's what you kept telling to yourself.

And just like that, slowly, your interest in idols decreased as you started to lose hope in becoming one. Still, you decided to keep the club and turning it into the idol research club, not wanting to completely give up on your dream even if you didn't have the energy to chase being an idol anymore. You just wanted to keep enjoying their music and dance and the way that made the pain in your tiny heart to be more bearable….

Years passed and nothing improved, neither changed except the bitter and lonely feeling taking completely over your heart.

One day, as you watched those second years' girls practicing their dancing, you felt a hard pang in your chest. It was a mixture of jealousy, anger, nostalgia and something close to… hope.

So when they announced they wanted to be idols and their first concert, you laughed bitterly… who did those amateurs thought they were? But of course, you'd be attending secretly to their concert, only to laugh at them and criticize them later although to your surprise, they were actually good although you wouldn't admit it.

The more you observed and watched their practices, their performances and the facility to recruit new members, the more your heart hurt at what could have been and wasn't.

Soon, the feeling of anger inside of you, turned into a nostalgic one to end converting into one of longing and hope, making you wish to be part of that.

So when you found them smiling excitedly at you, holding out their hands for you to take them, asking you to be part of the group and be the president, among of other things, you couldn't help but be utterly surprised and happy at it, stubbornly accepting their invitation, and soon, those ugly thoughts and feelings started to fade, letting light in, or that's what you thought…

Every day was better than the previous one, you enjoyed your time with the girls and got back your best "Nico nii" smile and the ability to reach and touch people's hearts and put a sparkling smile upon their faces with your voice and dancing and, of course, your cuteness but still, you couldn't help but feel like you still weren't good enough.

You weren't gorgeous as Eli; you weren't athletic like Rin; you couldn't write or compose songs like Umi or Maki neither design nice outfits like Kotori… no, you didn't even have a good voice like they all had…

As you thought about their strengths, you started to feel belittled compared to them so whenever you came back home and found your siblings asking you about μ with such beaming look upon their faces, you choose to blatantly lie to them, pretending the rest of the girls were just backup dancers of their favorite and unique number one idol because you couldn't admit the fact that you were nothing compared to those incredible, talented and gorgeous girls, you were just a shadow darkening their shiny light.

Until one day, that lie blew up on your face.

- Why?! – you hear somebody yelling at you in the distance as you go back home after had bought the ingredients of the dinner – Why did you lie and told them we were your backup dancers?!

You turn around to see Maki panting and yelling angrily at you.

- You wouldn't understand it – you tell her with great regret, sighing heavily and turn around to leave but she quickly takes you by your wrist, stopping you dead on your tracks.

- Then tell me – she keeps insisting you. That stubborn and cute tomato…

- No – you say, struggling with her grip.

- Come on Nico-chan.

- No, you wouldn't understand it! – you yell at her, finally breaking free from her grip.

- Nico… – she starts to say guiltily as she advances, getting closer to you again.

- You can't understand it! – your voice cracks as tears timidly start to fall down.

Horrified, you start to run away from her but she's faster than you and ends catching up with you, taking you by your hand and pulls you towards her, embracing you while you struggle in her arms.

You want to hate the way her arms feel around you, the comforting and warm feeling they provide you with and the way her scent soothes you until there's no more tears peeking out of your eyes but you can't come up to hate it. And for the first time in much time, you find yourself finally in peace in the quietness of her arms.

- You wouldn't understand it – you repeat to her quietly, sighing languidly while hiding yourself in the crook of her neck and she hugs you tighter.

- Try, please – you hear her begging you softly, breaking all your barriers.

- I'm not good enough – you confess to her in a bare whisper, hoping she didn't hear you.

- Idiot, you're more than good enough – she quickly answers back at you. Of course she was going to be kind enough to tell you otherwise.

- No, I'm not. I'm really not – you say hiding yourself more into her, enjoying her warmth and soothing scent.

You hear her sighing heavily, kissing your head before pulling you apart to wipe some tears away with her thumbs and caressing your cheeks, looking you in the eyes.

- You're more than good enough, Nico-chan.

You shake your head and look away, not ready to look her in the eyes.

- I'm not. I'm not gorgeous or athletic. I can't write songs or make outfits… I don't even have a good voice. I'm just a shadow to all of you, the ugly duckling of the group so I pretended to be the main singer. I didn't want my siblings to see me as a nobody, I couldn't stand to disappoint them and not see such beaming eyes and lovely smiles upon their faces. I couldn't stand to not be their number one idol anymore… So no, you can't ever understand it Nishikino! – you end yelling at her, hitting her chest in frustration as more tears keep rolling down your eyes freely and you rest your head against her chest while crying..

- Maybe I do. Maybe I understand what's to feel you aren't good enough in anything you do… – she starts saying, embracing you again while you sense her tightening her fists then relaxing them – But then you find somebody that looks at you which such beaming expression that you believe you're the best and want to do anything for them to keep looking at you so dazzlingly and keep being proud of you no matter what.

You glance up at her in time to see her embarrassedly and shyly averting her eyes while she comes to play with her hair as a nervous habit she has and a really cute blush adorns her cheeks.

The more you stare at her, the more you found yourself getting lost in the mesmerizing sight in front of you and a shy smile spread across your face as a question pop in your mind.

- Who? – you ask her timidly yet curious.

- You – she quickly fires back, still not looking at you.

- Eh?

- You. You're the one that make me feel like I'm good enough – she whispers, completely embarrassed – I-I don't know why or how you do it but whenever I think I don't look good on an outfit or that my songs are crap, you're the first one there to tell me it's not like that, that I'm completely wrong and manage to erase all my insecurities and the feeling of not being enough with your words and tender smiles.

- I-I don't… – you don't even know what to say to such revelation.

You heard her chuckling and caressing your cheeks again with a tender smile aimed at you.

- You're beyond gorgeous. You're good with outfits and I really, really love your voice and how you always bring calm to me. As for the songs, I could always teach you how to write something better than the "Nico Nico nii" song – she says, chuckling more as you pout at her for picking on your masterpiece – You're more than good enough so please, keep smiling and shining like you always do – she tells you seriously yet fondly as she kisses your forehead and embarrassedly hugs you tight against her.

- I-It can't be helped then! – you shriek, feeling your cheeks burning up and hug her tightly back – Ne, Maki-chan? – you say while she pulls apart to look at you with a light tint of red adorning her cheeks, her eyes never leaving yours neither breaking the hug – You're way more than good enough to me – you tell her softly, giving her your best and most dazzling "Nico nii" smile while caressing her cheeks, only to see her shrieking and end hiding her face behind her hands very embarrassed yet totally cute, making you giggle, too much of your enjoyment.

- Idiot – you hear her murmuring, making you chuckle this time.

And just like that, between embarrassed looks and shy smiles, you take her by the hand to take her with you to have dinner together with your siblings, realizing it's okay to need the help of somebody, or maybe of a certain redhead in your case, to keep away the dark thoughts clouding your mind and finally get to believe in yourself for once and all so the insecurities don't come back.

- Wait, you never mentioned anything about me being athletic – you tell her suddenly, stropping dead in your tracks as you replay her words in your head once again.

You hear her chuckling while shaking her head, dragging you with her towards your home.

- Come on, let's go home – she says with a wide and shy smile upon her face, interlacing your fingers, making you feel your heart warm up and skipping a beat at it, feeling proud of have been able to bring such an enchanting smile upon her beautiful face.

Author notes: for those who think they aren't good enough and need some reassurance when insecurities take the best of us and there's nobody around to tell you otherwise, you are more than good enough, believe in yourself even if sometimes it seems hard to. I'm sure there's somebody loving you and whatever you do, that thinks the same.