Love Struck Delusion
Chapter 214 - How can I progress as a normal person?
Raptor's POV, two hours later.
"Knock! Knock! Knock!"
It didn't take long for Clamer to answer the door this time around. As he did he greeted me with another hug and urged me.
"Come on inside. I have some tea brewing and we can just relax for a minute before getting into it."
"Thank you." I replied as I knew this was again something I needed to do. I only felt bad because the others had no clue I had left the house. I'm sure someone was going to realize it soon enough but hopefully I could deal with that another time and just focus on this.
As I walked in Clamer asked me.
"How are you doing?"
As I went to his couch I replied.
"I'm not too sure. It's what I wanted to talk about with you. If that's okay."
Clamer went to his small kitchen and began to get us two small mugs of his tea he said he made. As he poured them he replied to me.
"Of course it's okay Raptor. I had a feeling it would be of concern to you. Here."
By now he had approached to offer me my cup and I took it to take a sip. It was good and as I did get a taste I said back.
"Thank you. It's good."
"Ahhh just some green tea and chamomile. Helps me relax with all this craziness going on. Now on to what you were saying. I have to ask so I know. The man you said you were going to kill yesterday? Is he dead?"
I nodded and replied.
"Yeah he's dead, but I think I went a little too far."
"How so?" He wondered as I just came out and said it.
"I killed his son in front of him."
My eyes looked right back to his and Clamer wasn't fazed by it. I did my best to read his feelings just so I knew how he would feel about shit I say but right now he was just focused on the facts and not judging me. However he questioned in some concern.
"He was with G.U.N correct? The son was in the country too?"
I nodded and replied.
"He was a soldier much like his dad. However he was a spy Commander Linnen had sent to my rebellion around the time I managed to take back Iraq. He was sent to relay any intel he could steal directly to him. It was early on and I'm sure it was to make sure I didn't get any upper hands early on."
"But you knew of this clearly by how it sounds?" He asked to be sure as I nodded and went on to say.
"I knew right away he was trouble and made sure we had him far enough away to keep intel at a minimum, but before that he managed to get my best friend Wreak killed during one of the assaults sent at my capital."
Clamer took a second to sip his tea but asked shortly after.
"You figured it was best to do this to get revenge for both him and your family then?"
I nodded.
"I understand your reasoning Raptor. But you should know what you did was wrong. You didn't have to kill the kid."
"I know but I felt I had too. I wanted Gorgon to feel the pain I did the night he had me shoot Ghost."
Clamer was laid back in his chair but muttered through a calm voice.
"Gorgon was his name then? Okay."
"It was selfish and evil but I couldn't control the urge to want him to suffer doc. I just couldn't."
"But Raptor I can tell you don't have much of an issue with doing such a thing. The issue seems to be how you feel now that he is dead. Not so much the boy but Gorgon. You're confused on how to feel now right?"
Clamer and I had our eyes locked as I whispered back in disappointment for myself.
"Yeah."
He took another sip and with that he looked me over as I leaned back to let out a sigh.
"You're lost. It's…..well it's a weird thing to feel after getting what you wanted for so long. Now Raptor, if you ask me what's wrong I think I know what to tell you. You don't have much of a reason to live now that the goal you wanted so desperately is done. You feel good that it's over between you and this man and you are clearly okay with the emotions of losing your family. It may be hard but you are still okay. You're not off in a corner crying or trying to kill yourself. You're lost and you're confused because you no longer have a goal. I'm sorry if I offend you by saying this but all this effort you're putting into the rebellion and getting the country back on its feet was just a way to keep your mind at bay. You might not really want this now that you're back in a position of power. You might not really want to help the middle east. You might have earlier in your life and in the beginning of the war starting but after losing the kids and Alicia I think you lost interest. A fuck all attitude to describe it to you. How do you feel when you think about that now? Is this something you still really want to do or is this just another distraction?"
I opened up my eyes as he asked that. I was actually stunned he even considered the fact that this was all just for show, but…..? Losing my shocked face I replied in confusion.
"I….I…..I don't know doc. It was something I wanted in the beginning, you're right about that. I just don't know now. Of course I want to help my country and get it back together, but you may be right. I think I was driven by the idea that I could one day see Midnight or Ghost being this great person with a great impact on the world around them if I somehow managed to secure our freedom for the future, but I don't really know now that they're dead."
"The kids drove you for this goal Raptor. It's natural to lose interest and hope now that they are gone. You probably feel like it's pointless since you're not going to really see much come out of it now." Clamer stated as I slowly nodded and looked up at the ceiling in awe for how to feel. Clamer sensed I was losing it a little and told me.
"You don't have to feel like it's hopeless Raptor. The goal you're fighting for is an important one and there will be thousands if not hundreds of thousands that will be impacted from a free middle east. It's definitely worth fighting for still."
"It's just not that simple though." I replied as he then questioned.
"How so?"
I began to think of a way to put it so he could understand. I knew my reasoning was selfish and it made me look bad but I still had to express this to someone. Tapping my knees with both my palms I slowly replied to the waiting fox.
"I don't think I ever wanted to free the middle east. I don't really think I have it in me to care about a place like this."
Clamer put his tea down to give me a soft hum. He was trying to understand what I was saying so I went on to state.
"My father drove me to hate the rebellion. He was the first real leader that started the movement so his ideals and all his effort got put into this one idea of a free nation. He ignored my family growing up and that made me resent him to my very core. In turn I hated what he stood for and that being the rebellion itself and its beliefs."
"Are you trying to tell me Raptor that you're more of a Hecan Moore type of follower? Believing more in democracy and rules that have already been set in place and you're not willing to chance restarting and setting your own path for the country?" Clamer wondered as I replied carefully.
"I…? I need to be honest with you doc. I need to know what I may say isn't allowed to leave this room."
Clamer sensed this was becoming serious but he replied bluntly.
"Raptor I'm a doctor. I have a policy and that's a doctor patient confidentiality agreement. The agreement we both read and understood the very first day we saw each other in this room. Anything you tell me I'm obligated to keep a secret. I may keep a file but I do for everyone. That information never leaves that folder. It's only meant for me to review. You have my word and my legal word at that."
I nodded my head and looked back to the ground as he urged me.
"Say whatever is on your mind. It's gonna be the only thing right now that makes you feel better."
I took a breath and looked back to his eyes to reply.
"When I was eighteen I joined the G.U.N infantry service here in Iraq. I worked under Commander Lehigh and I was quickly made an officer due to my service and my skills. I joined because I was mad at my father for always letting me down when I needed him most in my life. But…...when G.U.N found out who I really was and what I belonged to; I was quickly forced to make a choice. Either die or risk being hunted down and killed regardless. Or kill my father who at the time was leading the first real attacking force designed to attack G.U.N. I was very mad like I said before so I killed my dad one night. Alone in the desert. I shot him down like a dog and never forgave him for what he did to me. I…..?" I was again going to cry thinking about it. Clamer on the other hand was more concerned with the information I just gave him and calmly decided to change his seat to the couch about a foot next to me. He saw the tears coming and quickly handed me a tissue to wonder.
"How were you able to function at all with the rebellion after doing such a thing? Surely killing your father had to have majorly altered the rebellion and its position in the first war."
I nodded and wiped my eyes. Once I lowered the tissue I told him with a choppy voice.
"No one ever found out it was me who did it. His body was never recovered and that wasn't part of my plan. I killed him in the desert like I said so, I assume some dogs found him shortly after. I don't really know what happened."
"What about your mother?" Clamer then wondered as I replied while looking back to his eyes with a nasty glare of my own.
"It was a package deal. Lehigh wanted me to make sure the rebellion had no fallback plans for a leader. So I had to cut all ties that night and make sure they never got the chance."
"Raptor?" He groaned as I nodded and replied.
"I killed my whole family that night doc. My mom and my sister died in the house. When I left I lit the place on fire and never looked back. I played the part and pretended like I knew nothing and it worked. In fact the friends my dad managed to make came to me after some time to ask for help. I wasn't about to jump into something I had no intention of ever going back to in the first place doc, but when I met Julie things changed and I started to piece it together. I was just too stubborn and I wasn't able to really see what my dad was doing for me. For everyone. I regret it now of course and I'll never live it down."
Clamer was stunned silent as I told him directly.
"I'm going to hell doc. No matter what I managed to do with the rest of my life. It's just what a monster like me deserves. I'll do my best to make amends but it's not gonna change who I am inside. Not ever gonna bring them back or make up for what I've done. I deserve to die."
I lowered my head and did my best to take another sip of the tea I still had by my side. Clamer was unsure what to do now that he knew the truth about me. I'm sure he had a lot to ask me. It took about a minute for him to think of his next sentence which was.
"I want to ask you then. Even though you might have never wanted this position in life…..do you still regret what you have now? I mean at the end of the day you're a hero to almost everyone in the middle east. I see your face and name all over the newspapers and your interview went viral on TV and on the internet. You've made a name for yourself and it's nothing but good."
"I never wanted to be famous or a hero though. I just wanted attention and I think I went too far to get it. If anything Alicia was right. I shouldn't have bothered starting this war all over again. I was just too blind to see that I was hurting my family. Not being what I should have been. I should have been a dad. Not this."
Clamer was nothing but short of amazing. He wasn't judging me. I could sense it. He was just trying to figure out a way to explain his side to me. In a way I could understand. After a few moments he told me.
"You were being a dad though. You were trying to make this place a better world to live in for them both. You're doing that for more than just them in fact. You can see how many other families are going to be affected by this right?"
I nodded and replied.
"Yeah."
"You shouldn't ever have to question being a dad. You're a great father and much like you Raptor, your son Ghost was just as ignorant to your effort. Just like you with your dad. In the end when you killed your father, did you come to an understanding at some point after and realize what his motives really were?"
Clamer knew the answer and urged me.
"Your son would have figured it out. You are on a hard road and it was never going to be easy. For anyone in fact. But you still have answered me. Do you regret where you are now?"
I looked to his eyes to reply.
"I regret that I couldn't do more. That's all."
"You sound like you've come to terms Raptor." He told me as I simply stated while putting down the tea.
"My life is nothing but loss doc. After Julie? After Abbey? It's bad of me to say this but I've become pretty good at handling loss like this. It's a straight kick to the sack but I can manage somehow. I have too."
"But why? Why do you have to? You don't want to lead the rebellion. You don't want to fight another war. You probably don't want to even start another family and who could blame you?" He asked as I nodded and leaned back to breathe.
"You have to have a reason to keep going after losing so much Raptor. If you didn't…...well any other man would have given up." Clamer stated as I questioned my next response. After a moment I told him truthfully.
"The last few weeks have been hard doc. A lot has happened and it's enough to juggle your head around. Thankfully I have time so we can space this all out. But I would like you to know I have another person with me."
Clamer widened his eyes and replied.
"Really? Who?"
Giving him a small smile as I sat up I replied.
"Like I said it's a lot and I'm hoping I can bring her around once. But she's…..well she's special and it's difficult to describe the situation that brought us together but I'm confident she's important to me and she is one of the few reasons I still fight to live."
"I'd love to meet her Raptor. What's her name? Can I ask?"
Nodding I replied.
"Zeta. Zeta Diskov."
"Russian?" He wondered with a small chuckle as I laughed and replied.
"Yeah. Like I said it's a hard story to tell you in one sitting. I'll see if she wants to join me one night for this. I don't know if she'd want to but I can try."
"That sounds like a plan then Raptor. I think it would be very helpful to have someone like that here with you. Does she know everything about you? About the whole…?" Clamer pointed to my hands as I nodded and replied.
"She does and about that doc. I don't want to scare you. I know I don't make sense and I know what I can do is fairytale, but I swear to you it's true."
"You don't have to convince me Raptor. You've shown me. It's indeed a lot to take in and I've never been one to question a higher power. But to see it before my very eyes is a little astounding. I promise you that I won't say a word, but one night I would like to get a little more detailed with it. I'd like to understand your situation as much as this Zeta does."
We both smiled and Clamer patted my back as he urged me.
"Go home and get some rest. You look tired."
"I've done a lot today doc. But I will do that tonight."
Slowly I stood up and remained on the couch he asked me.
"When will you want to come back?"
Thinking about it I soon replied.
"Maybe tomorrow around the same time. Depends on how things go. I have to keep pressing the rebellion. I need to keep people motivated and I need to make sure they know I'm here to help. If everything is okay I'll call you before I come. Okay?"
Clamer nodded and replied as I went for the door.
"Be safe than Raptor. Thank you."
As I left his home and found myself back outside I looked to see a Ying patrol a few yards out down the road. It was a few of them but they were heading my way. Upon reaching my car I stopped while halfway opening my door to hear them pulling up in a rebellion humvee. So gently I stood there with the door open to turn my head around to see them come to a stop on the side of the street maybe ten feet behind my car. I let out a sigh as the front and back doors all opened.
mT Shadow.