Humorous little idea that popped into my mind last night.
If you've ever seen the works of Devil Artemis on YouTube, you'll know he does Dragon Ball and anime themed parody videos with SFM.
In his fanfiction universe, Master Roshi is some kind of crazed maniac. I was thinking what would happen if the I.M.P. from Vivziepop's series Helluva Boss was contracted to kill him. If you're interested, I would advise following Devil Artemis, his stuffs funny as all get out.
And as always support the creators of the official media.
Warning. The following short story contains: profanity, violence, adult themes, demons, and one crazy ass old man. Reader discretion is advised.
In the dark and unpleasant pit that was known to all as Hell, a single imp walked back and forth in his office, grimacing at the lack of work they'd done.
His skin was the usual blood red, as was the norm for his species of demon, with white splotches here and there, and wore a fancy business suit.
"Our business just seems to be sinking deeper and deeper...So far besides that one kid we bumped off, we haven't gotten any hits…" Blitzo(The O is silent) lamented, slumping over in his chair before his three coworkers.
On his left side, the resident married couple, also imps, were also concerned. The husband, Moxxie, a baby-faced imp with white hair and sideburns, wearing what looked like conductor's garb, usually didn't like agreeing with his boss, but he himself raised the point the other day. His wife, Millie, a well-curved imp with a soft expression and short raven hair wearing a tube top and black leather pants frowned, a hand on Moxxie's leg as she looked concerned at Blitzo.
The Immediate Murder Professionals were in a financial bind due to a low budget, and office arguments. Largely due to the disagreements between Moxxie and Blitzo. As well as the latter's receptionist, Loona, an anthropomorphic hellhound, with a wolf-like appearance, who was easily distracted, lazy, and quick to anger, often having verbal spats with everyone there. She was also Blitzo's adopted daughter. The canine casually sat around in her chair across from the couple, claws tapping away on her phone absentmindedly.
"Well...that political assassination went over well." Millie raised the point.
"Of course it did, Millie. We have your husband to thank for providing the right weapon and ammo for the job." Blitzo said with a smirk, cracking his knuckles.
Moxxie's eyes darted back and forth around the room. Their boss was quick to berate and poke fun at him, largely due to his own meekness, and Blitzo's personality, which bordered on childish. Compliments were extremely rare.
"Well, I DID have that spare rifle laying around and collecting dus-"
"But you almost FUCKED IT OVER by taking the shot from the crowd!" Blitzo snarled, jerking his hands over his head and lowering them in his direction. "If Millie and I didn't have the return portal already open under that manhole cover, our cover would've been blown! You ALWAYS have to remember to keep it low profile, preferably from high ground. Not to mention taking countersnipers into account. It's a good thing we had Loony here serving as a "COUNTER-countersniper", right sweetums?" He asked, stroking his "daughter's" cheek. Loona grimaced, baring her fangs annoyedly.
"I told you before, Blitz, I'm not good with guns." The hellhound groaned. "My specialty is my claws, and fangs. If worthless over there was in a countersniper's sights, he'd have been picked off and sent tumbling back down here."
"If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times." Milie frowned at her, speaking in an archetypal Southern Belle accent that belied her true ferocity. "Don't. Talk. About my Moxx that way." Moxxie smiled to her, and she reciprocated by blowing a kiss.
"You want 'im, he's all yours." Loona sighed, going back to texting one of her friends.
"Look, the point is, we've got to find some way to drum up more business." Blitzo added, hoping to break things up. "How's our celebrity endorsement coming?"
"Who, Angel Dust?" Loona asked. "You know he's strictly on Valentino's payroll."
The curved-horned imp scratched his chin and crossed his arms. Overlords were...well...hell to negotiate with. Especially one in the pimping industry. Valentino seemed to be excessively possessive of the effeminate spider demon. After all, Angel Dust was Hell's number one porn star. With that kind of talent working for him, why would Valentino rent him out to another business?
Almost as if on cue, Loona got a message. "Woah...Guys, I just got a hit!"
"A contract? That quickly?" Blitzo raised his brow.
"That's right. And it's from Pheroma." The canine vixen flipped her smartphone around to display the image of a blue-skinned reptilianne woman with bright pink eyes and long aqua blue hair.
"'Her?'" Moxxie asked. "Doesn't she work at Porn Studios too?"
"Moxxie, how do you know about her?" Millie shot her husband a dirty look. Unlike most demons, who committed adultery by general practice, these two were in a totally committed and happy marriage.
"Oh, lay off of him. Pheroma is like the third biggest porn star on Valentino's pay roll. She's almost like a household name." Blitzo said, almost thanking Satan(In this universe, Satan and Lucifer are entirely different entities.) that they were getting a job from such a widely known "actress." If he genuinely believed in him. While Lucifer was seen as the King of all hell, Satan was virtually viewed as a myth. Most demons didn't believe he even existed. "Who does she want HSSSSHK'd?" He made a slicing gesture across his throat with his thumb.
"Hmm...looks like she wants us to kill someone she knew when she was alive. A guy that killed her."
"Didn't she die about two-hundred years ago?" Millie asked. Besides imps, and most overlords, the majority of demons were dead human sinners, Pheroma being one of them. "What's the average human life-span again?"
"Shit if I know." Blitzo shrugged. "What...Eight years? Ten years?"
"Anywhere from their sixties to their seventies." Loona replied, "with more and more of 'em living even longer.
"And wow does this guy look old." She pulled up another image, and the three of them peered over to look at the pic.
It was an elderly man with a hunched-looking back, wearing an orange outfit, with white bathing shorts, and fancy dark green sunglasses, carrying an old wooden walking stick.
"Muten...Roshi?" Moxxie read aloud. "That name sounds familiar."
Blitzo immediately started shivering. "Th...The guy...fought...in the Coochie Wars!? The guy that killed over six-hundred hookers in ONE. DAY!?"
The other two imps and the hellhound eyeballed him oddly.
"The what?" Loona asked.
Their boss slunked down in his chair. "Master Roshi was involved in some kind of prostitute purge on Earth a really long time ago. Not THAT long. Crazy guy thinks he knew Jesus. He's thoroughly insane, but he's lived for hundreds of years...And he's got dangerous powers beyond a normal human."
"Ohh come on, Blitz, how bad could he be? He looks like he could be some kid's grandpa." Millie asked sweetly.
"Well, like I said, he brutally murdered more than six-hundred human beings under the pretense of an imaginary war, even killing a few of them with a sandal. A FUCKING. Sandal!"
"Umm...remember when I killed a few of our targets with a piece of PAPER?" The raven-haired imp beauty smirked with her tongue out.
"Did you ever blow up a moon?" Blitzo retorted flatly, making everyone, even Loona who was usually indifferent, take a scoot back in their seats. "Well...I don't like the thought of doing this one, but we have to. A job is a job, and we can't lose our credibility. Besides. We're a capable group, right?"
"When Loona is actually HELPING." Moxxie frowned.
"I've done my share of hits, you ass-eating-" Loona growled, only for Blitzo to restrain her and Millie to slam her fists on the table.
"People, people! Remember, a company can't succeed if every cog in the wheel isn't in tip-top shape!" Blitzo began, trying to diffuse the situation. "Much like how a family is dysfunctional when we're all at each other's throats!"
"For the last time-" Moxxie said before being interrupted.
"'We're not a family,' I know!" He groaned. "But I just want everyone to be at their best, and to get along! You think I want to lose any of you because of that? Then it'd just be me and Loona by our lonesome?"
The rest of them went silent, Moxxie and Loona feeling a little guilty.
"Sorry, sir." The two of them said in unison.
"Good. Now hug and make up."
"H-What!?" The imp and the hellhound bolted up out of their seats.
"You heard me. Hug. And. Make. Up." Blitzo reiterated. "It'll be good to build trust. I'll go set the portal up." He got out of his seat and walked over to the ritual room.
"You heard 'im, Moxxie." Millie said playfully, folding her arms. Her husband stammered, but groaned.
"Fiiiiine." He conceded, walking closer to Loona.
"You'd better not try anything, y'piece of-" The white-haired wolf spat.
"I wouldn't. I'm married, remember?" Moxxie said before the two wrapped their arms around each other in a bit of an awkward hug, with his arms around her waist, and Loona's around his head.
"Aww…" Millie fawned, taking a picture with an old Polaroid camera.
When she was sure Blitzo was out of earshot, Loona shoved him back. "All right, hands off."
Millie walked up to take Moxxie's hand. The male was annoyed at Loona's continued disrespect, but he eased up as his wife planted a kiss on his cheek. They went to join the others for the jump up to Earth.
0
Moxxie was the first to arrive in the living world. He'd been sent to check if they had gotten the right place. "Coast is clear!" He said aloud.
Blitzo hopped up after him. "Yell a little louder, won't you?" He said sarcastically before the both of them knelt down to help the ladies up as the portal closed.
Loona cast a glance at a nearby shelf to see it covered with dirty magazines. She scoffed. "Looks like the old man's a hypocrite."
Millie brandished a trident with razor-edged points, so as to have it double as a slicing weapon. She would take great pleasure in killing a pervert.
Their boss strolled over to the window, making it clearer that they were on the second story of a house in the middle of an island. "Looks like the old man's still in the game." He made note of the half-buried body of some guy wearing a blue bodysuit with some kind of fancy space-age armor over his torso, and having a widow's peak to end all widow's peaks. "Remember, everyone. Teamwork. Now this guy is dangerous, so we might wanna try doing the deed in his sleep."
"Aww…" Millie was rather displeased. "I wanna put him down when he's awake!"
"Well considering if we DIE in the living world, we're dead for GOOD-" Blitzo continued. "We need to take safety and efficiency into consideration. This isn't Papa Gepetto we're dealing with."
They heard what sounded like a door slam, making the four of their spines tingle.
"He's here-!" Moxxie mouthed silently.
Blitzo took a rope from his waist and held it taut as Moxxie took a sawed-off shotgun out of the makeshift holster on his back. Loona merely put her phone away and stretched, ready to shred Roshi if necessary.
"And so I says to him to give me all the money in MY account." Roshi's haggard old voice called from the lower floor. "Then he has the gall to try and negotiate with me! If I could be negotiated with, my precious turtle would still be alive today, and maybe I wouldn't be so bad off."
The three demons and the hellhound cautiously looked from the stairwell, watching him from a distance as Roshi yammered on and on to himself.
"But that's not the kind of girl I am. Now where's those damn slippers?"
Not wanting to risk a confrontation, Blitzo and the others cautioned them to return to the upstairs room they were just in, and closed the door behind him.
"This complicates things." Blitzo whispered.
"I say we just jump him when he's not prepared." Loona suggested. "After all, he's an old man. Even if he did do all the things you say he did, he's still just that. He can't react quick enough to stop us."
Her "father" fumbled the idea over in his head. To have someone with star power like Pheroma in their clientele would definitely be a boost, so he didn't want to disappoint.
The sound of footfalls on the stairs made him cringe. "HIDE!" He squealed. The lot of them ducked for cover, safe for Loona who rolled her eyes.
Roshi burst into the room, scanning the area silently. His eyes, obscured by the black pools of his sunglasses.
Moxxie was trying to look as rigid as possible, his arms and legs tucked up against his chest and a radio-clock sat on top of his head, doing his best impersonation of a small dresser. Beads of sweat pooled up on his neck. 'This is never going to work…' He breathed a silent sigh of relief as Roshi walked past him.
Millie was a little less conspicuous, but not by much, having a lampshade over her head and standing tall against the wall. She was sure of failure too, but thankfully he ignored her too, safe for pulling on the lamp cord inside the shade. Her eyes shone through her "mask," but he must've just mistaken them for a bulb.
Blitzo's heart nearly stopped as Roshi opened the closet door, but allowed himself a toothy smile as he closed him back inside, the elder having not even seen him, buried under piles of old clothes.
"Damn...no slippers anywhere." The elderly martial artist cursed. "I guess I'll have to skin another seal."
Moxxie and Millie both gave a mutual cry of disgust in their heads. Sure they were demons, but they didn't care for animal cruelty.
Roshi was about to leave, when he stopped in his tracks. "I sense something...A presence I've not felt since…"
All three of the imps felt their skin crawl as he turned back around and looked directly at Loona, who was just sitting around in plain sight on all fours like an ordinary dog.
"Shit...Shit...Shitty-shit!" Blitzo cursed quietly as he watched through the blinds as Roshi approached the hellhound, who was doing her best to keep still and quiet.
He laid his cane down on the ground, before taking Loona by the cheeks and eyeballing her. She growled to herself inside, but allowed him to touch, so long as he didn't do anything. He pulled down on one of her eyelids, before he took hold of her muzzle and glanced at her teeth, which were much sharper, and more built for tearing and cutting than any earth canine.
Then she scowled as Roshi went behind her and felt up her tail, which was abounding with fluff. She despised her tail being handled.
"I didn't know I had a dog." Roshi said ignorantly before he gave a throaty chuckle. "Lemme go find the Beggin' Strips!"
"I think not." Loona barked, rising up on her hind legs and giving the geezer a smack and nearly sending him crashing into Millie.
Blitzo jaunted out of the closet. "Hahaha-ha! The geezer really is off his rocker!"
"Can we get this over with?" Moxxie asked, standing up and throwing away the clock that was seated on his head, thoroughly humiliated.
"Yeah. Go ahead and do your thing, Mills."
The imp gladly obliged, raising her trident overhead, and prepared to jab it directly into Roshi's belly.
Before she could bring it down, the elder swept her legs out from under her, and leapt away from them, retrieving his walking stick and twirling it.
"Goddamned demons. They told me they were coming for me. But these last decades, I've been prepared. My master, Mutiato always said to me-'Roshi! Always remember. You don't take SHIT from demons, aliens or women!'" Roshi described, removing his orange top and revealing the wifebeater tank top underneath. "I've taken his words to heart. And now I've molded myself into the ultimate killing machine!"
Having heard enough of his rambling, Moxxie took aim with his gun, only for the old man to throw his cane at him, and send it flying across the floor.
"Eat sulfur!" Blitzo demanded, blasting away with a pair of handguns. Roshi smirked and cackled, shocking the head of I.M.P. by catching every bullet with one hand. The red and white skinned demon took a step back as Roshi began to approach.
Loona snarled, getting ready to pounce. The old man straightened his glasses before jumping through the window with the anthro hellhound giving chase.
"We can't let him escape!" Blitzo screamed, heading for the stairs.
Outside, the corpse they'd seen earlier had broken Roshi's and then Loona's fall. The two of them had their arms locked together, but she had the edge, biting at his throat.
Roshi planted his feet against her chest. "Get off. My. LAWN!" With a mighty kick, he sent her flying into the palm tree nearby, earning a groan from her.
Moxxie took another shot with his gun, only for Roshi to duck and do a flying leap, kicking him in the face.
Millie charged in with her weapon again, aiming to run it throughout his back. Roshi, sensing her energy, turned back, removing his shades.
"Begone, THOT!" He yelled, eyes glowing white before the she-imp was sent flying back into the sea.
"That's my WIFE you're talking about!" Moxxie growled, running up and aiming to throttle him, only for Roshi to grab him by the throat.
"You can't fuck with me. I WON THE WAR!" Roshi chucked planting him firmly into the ground headfirst. "THERE I was!" He began as Loona sank her fangs into his shoulder and making him seeth and grunt. "Back to back with JESUS!" The old man attested, slamming his fists into her snout. "Bible in my left hand. Machine gun on the right!" He added, cupping his hands at his side.
"Pretty sure... you're thinking of a guy named Jesús, buddy." Blitzo frowned, approaching slowly with a knife, unaware of what was coming.
"Kameeeee…" Roshi began. "Hameeeee…" At the sight of a blue light emanating from his hands, Blitzo dropped his knife, eyes widening.
Roshi thrusted his arms out, shooting a beam of energy with a roar of "Haaa!" The imp hit the dirt just in time, with the blast flying off into the distance.
The Kamehameha exploded harmlessly just as both Moxxie dug himself out of the ground, and Millie finished swimming back to shore. The lot of them saw the virtual mushroom cloud of water and stood silent for a minute before Blitzo turned to Roshi. "So you got tricks! Think that impresses us? I see stuff like that every day!"
"True." The old man said. "But I didn't put everything I have into that one."
"He...what?"
With a rough grunt, Roshi focused his inner energy and his muscles expanded to sizes that could make a bodybuilder blush.
Blitzo's jaw hung open at the display before Moxxie spoke up, turning to him. "I hate you."
0
Not much later, the group of Imps and the hellhound led themselves back to Imp City in Hell, limping and riddled with bruises. Blitzo's horns were snapped off, and he was covered in his own blood and ruined clothing.
Moxxie and Millie were both practically naked, with one of Millie's horns broken and jabbed into Moxxie's eye. Moxxie also had part his tongue stretched out. Loona had the worst of it, all her fur being singed off, leaving only her underwear, hair, and the pentagram burned onto her chest intact.
"I'll want the rest of the week off after this." Moxxie scowled with a lisp.
"Fair...enough." Blitzo added. "Loona, when we get restored, make sure Pheroma gets half her money back. We're keeping the rest for damages and personal trauma."
Loona merely groaned to herself as she limped ahead of them. When they were injured, ordinarily they would just "kill" each other. When they were killed in hell, unless by the Exterminators, they were just "respawned" for lack of better phrasing, returning alive in a fresh body l in much the same way as every garden-variety sinner when they died, falling from above.
"This is going to be a nightmare…" Blitzo grumbled to himself as they returned to their office. "But there is NO WAY I'm going back up there. Not to see THAT...mortal FREAK again."
The office phone started ringing suspiciously. "Oh shit. Hey Loony?" He turned to see the others leaving the lobby, leaving him all alone to deal with an angry client.
"Pheroma!" The imp answered. "Great to be hearing from ya!"
Hope you enjoyed the read. Would anybody be interested in a part 2?^^