Gotham City, the craziest city on Earth. I can see why I live here. Then again, I feel like I was destined for this life before I met the Joker. After all, my old man from Brooklyn was something of a lowlife himself, and I just so happened to go down the low road myself, if you want to call it the 'low road.'
Yeah, I know the Clown Prince of Crime. We dated for years, and I was in his crime circus until I started my own act. That's right, I'm Harley Quinn. I'm sure you all know how I was an up-and-coming psychiatrist who was working at the amazing Arkham Asylum, how I fell in love with him, and how I became his little bitch in a jester costume. That all happened, but a lot of people make the assumption that I was an innocent dumb blonde who lost my sanity when I met Mr. J. That's not true, at least not on this Earth. I wasn't an innocent sweet girl before that day. Oh, no. I was already a bad girl by the time I came to Gotham. By the time I started working in Arkham, I didn't even like Batman. I knew he was a man in denial thinking he actually could get rid of all crime. I've even spit out my drink just listening to those words.
I stopped being 'good' not too long after my old man got himself killed on the run from the cops. For as mean of a guy as he was, he was still my Dad. I tried convincing him to get out of the mob lots of times before that night, but none of them worked. There was no chance for him. All the times trying to get him out of there was for nothing.
It was clear the world was a big joke, and I actually laughed, not because I was hysterical, but because I thought it was actually funny. Ma thought more about drinking and partying more than her own kids, and Barry couldn't stay out of trouble. He got sent to juvie more times than I can remember. He actually moved out of the house before I did, and I'm four years older than him. Some people would say I had a sad life when I was a kid, but I can't help but laugh harder now. Then I thought if that life is a joke, then maybe I could make the most of it, or find a way to laugh while everybody else in the world makes their pointless attempts to do some good in the world. It didn't really matter to me whether they'd eventually see it that way, since I was too focused on getting back at the world. Could anyone really blame me, though? I lost someone important to me, fate put me with a dysfunctional family, and there wasn't anything I could've done.
I've had my shining moments of fun over the years, even if not everyone in the audience liked them. When I was in high school, I had sex with this one guy, and I told him I was pregnant with his kid. I even used a fake test strip as "proof." After a few weeks of him getting ready for "parenthood," I finally delivered the punchline. Lucky for me, it was easy for me to get Ma to pay him and his parents out so it wouldn't go to court. Not that she cared for my sense of morals anyway. As she would put it, "Happiness is the only thing that matters in life." Makes sense. I got a real kick out of that joke, so why should I stop there?
My next big act came when I was in college. Yeah, this girl went to college despite coming from a group of weirdos. No, I didn't get in because my Ma was rich, not at all. I got a scholarship from Gotham State University in gymnastics. Yep, I'm a pretty damn good gymnast. Even before Red gave me that potion that enhanced my body, I could give Selina a run for her money. I wasn't really turned on by the idea of college at first, but I thought it would give me the golden brick road to get away from Ma. My second big joke came when our team made the NCAA Championship. We were one of two favorites to win, with the other being Metropolis University. Since the other teams had no chance of beating us, why not make our win official? So, I had "friendly" night with their star gymnast, as a way of showing my excitement of competing against her that week. To make a long story short, I gave her some booze, and tricked her into saying some toxic words in front of a camera while she was wasted. That video was enough for MU's coach to force her to sit out of the finals, which handed the victory to Gotham State. I'd say I did good that night, after all, she had no memories of what happened, or who I was. It felt even better when some of the other Gotham State gymnasts were laughing along with me. It was like my jokes were starting to grow on people.
For my major, my experience with weirdos made it easy for me to choose psychiatry. It sounded like money in the bank. This was my third act, even if it felt more like a TV show than a comedy special. Now, psychology classes were a walk in the park for me, but there was a mandatory calculus class that was a real pain in the ass. I was on the verge of failing, but a door opened when I noticed my professor had a soft side for me. After about halfway through the semester, it was clear he was trying to make a move on me. I wasn't actually interested in him, but I agreed to sleep with him on the condition he'd give me a passing grade, which he agreed to. It wasn't really amazing making out with an older man I didn't love, but I'd do whatever I could to get a passing grade. Like my old man once said: "If you ain't cheating, you ain't trying." Besides, getting free sex wasn't all that bad. Little did the professor know that I kept a camera around his room in case he ever tried something fishy. After the semester ended, he wanted more from me, saying he could take away my passing grade if I didn't give in. I was able to shut him up quickly when I showed him the footage of us during our time together. He thought I was the one getting played, but I put the joke on him. That show got the grand finale it rightfully deserved. Red was so proud of me when I first told her that story. She likes it when girls other than herself show their power over guys.
Once I got my doctorate, I started looking for jobs. I stayed in Gotham to stay away from Ma. After working a few months as a cashier for Big Belly Burger, I saw an ad on the internet that Arkham Asylum was looking for a new physiatrist. Now, I didn't want to be phyciatrsit to help people, but then I thought about it and something came to my head. I could come up with my biggest joke ever if I took this job. There were plenty of dangerous people in Arkham, and they could be useful if I wanted to keep getting back at society. Applying for the job went quickly, because nobody else wanted to work at Arkham for obvious reasons. In my first days, I was assigned to interview common mobsters and thugs, or in other words, nobody who gave the Big Bad Bat a hard time. It took some time before the head of Arkham thought I was ready to interview some big baddies. It was by then I saw that if I proved to Arkham that these people were sane when they weren't, they'd be free to run though Gotham without anyone suspecting a thing until Batsy found out. And I'd just keep doing it again and again and again until one of them managed to kill the Bat. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but it was worth a shot. Life was a joke anyway.
I thought I'd share my stories of how I got to know every big rogue who fights Batsy other than me. From guys like Two-Face and Riddler, I know them all. I didn't just learn things about them, I learned a lot about the world and myself. They even made it more clear how life was a joke through their experiences with Batsy. Back then, I used a tape recorder to record the interviews, not because Arkham told me to, but because I thought their words could be important. Sure enough they did, but I'll let you guys hear them for yourselves so you can see how they did. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the movie- I mean, recording.- HQ