Patient #1: Two Face
HQ: Are you Harvey Dent?
TF: Gee. Is there anyone else in this asylum who goes by the name "Two Face?"
HQ: No. I asked you that as if you had a name preference. Do you prefer Harvey, Two Face?
TF: I don't really care. Let's just get this over with. I've never seen you before. You must be new here.
HQ: Yep. I'm three months on the job, but I think this is the first time I actually get to have fun.
TF: Fun? Do you know how dangerous I am? I don't think any therapist could have fun talking to me.
HQ: Well that's the thing, Harvey. I'm not just any therapist. I don't do this to help people, no. Not that it would work anyway. Inspirational words don't magically change people. And I bet you'd agree with me.
TF: Well in that case, we can end this interview now and you can leave.
HQ: Well, I can't do that until we've gone at least five minutes of talking. The heads would get suspicious that I'm not doing my job, and I don't want to lose my monthly paychecks or my best chance to get back at the world.
TF: What does that have to do with anything?
HQ: I'm not here to make you sane, Harvey. I'm trying to get you out of here, period.
TF: I don't understand.
HQ: You know how the heads of Arkham need actual proof that one if its inmates is mentally healthy? I can give them fake documents that indicate you aren't crazy, even if the best doctors in the world would still say that. I can tell them that you no longer want to be a criminal and want to turn over a new leaf, as long as you play along.
TF: Why would you do that? This is a joke right? There has to be a camera watching us right now. Batman's here watching, isn't he?!
HQ: Oh, no. The last thing I care about is helping the Batman. All the stuff he does won't be for anything in the end. Even if there was supposed to be a camera watching us, I would've shut it off. That would ruin the whole act.
TF: What act?!
HQ: The act that you, Harvey, don't want to be a criminal anymore and want to go back to a normal life.
TF: Just tell me why you're doing this, whoever you are!
HQ: I'm doing this, because I want to. And I could get a real kick out of making all of Arkham Asylum look like a bunch of retards.
TF: Who are you?!
HQ: Doctor. Harleen Quinzel, but you can call me Harley. Everyone does.
TF: Really? Not "Doctor"?
HQ: Oh, god no. Being a doctor is nothing compared to the other stuff I've done in my life, but I'll let you decide what you call me, since I asked you if you had a preferred name.
TF: I'll let my coin decide that. Tails? Okay, then. Harley it is.
HQ: I've never seen a coin with a scar like that. Where'd you get it?
TF: What's it worth to you?
HQ: Curiosity aside, if I get to know, I'd be able to understand why you do what you do, To see that you're no different than anyone else. That you're not the bad guy that all of Gotham thinks you are now, and you're still the guy you were when you were Gotham's DA, even if the city won't see it that way.
TF: I thought you said you weren't going to try and reform me!
HQ: I'm not. I'm saying that you never became a bad person. It's the people who are wrong. They can't accept you for who you are. They're the ones being selfish. You're just doing what you believe in. I just want to know what makes you tick. I won't be able to get you out of here if you don't tell me.
TF: You really want to know?
HQ: Of course. I've met enough freaks to know who's crazy and who's not, and you don't sound like the crazy type to me.
TF: You're the strangest doctor I've ever met.
HQ: Everybody's weird, Harvey. Weird, but not crazy. So, can you please tell me about your coin? I really want to know.
TF: This coin once belonged to Sal Maroni.
HQ: The mobster?
TF: Yes. When I was still the DA, I was using this coin as evidence against him when he was on trial. I held onto it as I got into this life. I've always had a habit of using coins to make decisions for me, and I decided that a flip of this coin would determine what I do, whether it's right or wrong. I put a scar on this side of the coin so it could stand for the bad choice between the right and wrong paths.
HQ: Interesting. So you like to leave your life in the hands of chance?
TF: Uh-huh. Opposites are a fascinating topic. They make it seem like there can be more than one way living life.
HQ: That's true, Harvey. But I don't think you're actually making any wrong choices when you're out on the streets.
TF: What do you mean?
HQ: I think what your coin is actually determining is whether to take the safe path, or the risky one. There's nothing actually wrong with your activities here in Gotham. It's just that people like Batman, the cops, and the public can't find a way to like it, which is their problem. Laws are just words Harvey. You shouldn't feel any regret for what you do.
TF: Well, you're right about laws. Trying to enforce them didn't end well for me.
HQ: What do you-? Oh, sorry about that. But I don't have any problems with the way your face looks, and no one else should. Like I said, it's other people who're wrong. If you had any friends or family that loved you, they would never leave you after your face changed. That's what real love is.
TF: Well, thanks Harley. But I could care less what people think of me these days. Their opinions don't matter to me.
HQ: That's the spirit! Now, I'm going to organize some documents that will convince the heads of Arkham that you are a rehabilitated man. All you have to do is play along in the act as if you actually are. And once that's done, you'll be out of here.
TF: Not that I appreciate your help, but aren't you worried about Batman and the cops finding out?
HQ: They won't if the illusion is convincing enough. I do have a camera at home, so I can record a fake therapy-inmate interview between us. You'll be saying all the bullshit lies that want to get out of your lifestyle and change. You know therapists in Arkham aren't allowed to record interviews between them and their inmates without their consent. So, this would give them the false idea that I got through to you, and allowing yourself to be recorded would be "proof" of that. What do you say Harvey?
TF: You have a lot of nerve to try breaking someone like me out of Arkham. Do actually know what you're getting yourself into?
HQ: Oh, I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't have a plan. I have plenty of experience doing shit like this. I slept with one of my college professors to get a good grade, and I put it all on camera so he couldn't keep me on his leash. Even if Batman does find out, I'll be out of the country before he tries looking for me. I even drugged somebody into going on a racist rant and recorded it for the whole world to see. She didn't even remember who I was the next day. This isn't my first show, Harvey. So, are you in or out?
TF: I guess I'm in. Unlike you, I don't have anything to lose.
HQ: Good! But don't worry about me though. I'm already prepared if this doesn't work.
TF: Whatever. I guess, I'll see you when you're ready with the camera Harley.
HQ: Alright. When do you want to meet next?
TF: Anyday's fine. It's up to you really.
HQ: Hmm. I think I know how to decide when we see each other again. Eeny, meeny, miney, moe,Catch a tiger by the toe, If he hollers, let him go, Eeny, meeny, miney, moe. Ah! Next Wednesday it is.
TF: Eeny, meeny, money, moe? Seriously? You used that to schedule our next meeting?
HQ: I thought leaving that decision up to chance wouldn't hurt. Let something else make the choice for me. Sound familiar?
TF: For once, I'm looking forward to my next psychiatric evaluation.
HQ: Now we're talking. Have a nice day, Harvey.
TF: See you later, I guess.