As he approached her, his knees started to feel unsteady as his chest felt tighter. He wasn't even sure what he planned to say to her, but felt maybe Meredith was right and he should at least try to clear the air and make her feel better about the surgeon that would be cutting into her daughter tomorrow. He made eye contact with Joe over the bar as he stepped up to her left side, "This one's on me."

Jo did a double take and then rolled her eyes, "That's not necessary."

"I know."

He took a seat next to her as Joe brought him another round and Jo the drink she had ordered. She side-eyed him as she stirred her drink, "How much have you had?"

"This is only my third."

"Don't you think that's a little much? You do have a big day tomorrow."

He smirked, "Come on, you've seen me drink a lot more than this the night before a major surgery. I can still hold my booze just fine."

"I've never seen you drink the night before performing surgery on my daughter," she pointed out icily. Alex nodded in agreement, not even thinking about how that may upset her and pushed the beer away from him. Jo sighed, "I'm sorry. I don't know why I get so angry when you're around."

"I think I have a good idea," Alex answered with a tilt of the head. He again felt a burning desire to clear some of the air with her, but the vacant look she had as she stared straight ahead at the liquor bottles stopped him, "What's on your mind?"

Jo looked at him in surprise before turning back to face straight, "I'm not sure you want to know."

"Jo…I don't know how many people you have to talk to about all that's going on, but I'm….here if you need someone. I know it's probably not the same for you, but for me it almost seems like I never left when I'm around you. Like we're…I dunno…"

Jo cut her eyes at him, "I swear to God if you say it's like we are frozen together in time I will kick your ass so bad they'll need your dental records to identify you." When Alex looked at her in confusion, she laughed in disbelief, "Dear God, do you even know what you put in those letters? Were you really high when you wrote them? Or captured by aliens?"

Alex felt disgusted, "I said that?"

She tilted her head, smiling sarcastically, "Yes, that it felt like you and Izzie were frozen in time, just like your embryos."

Alex felt himself get upset at hearing her refer to his kids in that way, "Hey that's too far."

Jo looked at him while shaking her head and rolling her eyes, "You've got some nerve getting upset at me. Especially after I made it clear that I didn't want to drink with you."

"Sorry." He rubbed his face, knowing she was right.

"So since you asked," Jo began timidly looking to Alex, who just nodded for her to continue. "I do have a question I've been wanting to ask you since…well since."

Alex nodded, "Ask away."

She motioned over to Joe asking for a shot, causing Alex to get anxious about what was on her mind. After she had downed the liquor, she looked at him with sadness in her eyes that had not been there a few seconds ago, "You remember when your mother came to town and knitted those ridiculously big baby hats?"

"Because she thought any kid of mine would have a ridiculously big head?" He waited for Jo to nod, unsure of where this was going, "Yeah, I remember that."

Jo looked at him and then turned to look out over the bar, probably scanning to see if anyone would overhear what she was about to say, "If I…had I not gotten freaked out over my possible family history and just said screw it, let's have kids instead of doing that DNA test, would it have…" She looked at him on the verge of tears, "I mean….if we had started trying then we may have had a newborn by the time you were making calls for Meredith's trial or at least maybe have had a bundle on the way." Alex felt bile rising in his throat finally realizing where this was headed as Jo wet her lips and rubbed her thumb on her beer bottle, "I guess what I'm asking is: if I had a baby or had been expecting one when you learned about the twins, would you have still left? Would you have left me with a baby? Or would we still be together today?"

Alex felt sick, mostly at seeing her so upset again but also for knowing she deserved the truth, "No, no I wouldn't have left."

Jo nodded and wiped a tear from her cheek, "So my only value to you as a wife and partner was my ability to procreate and birth you children? That was all that you needed to say. So it had nothing to do with me or what I thought we had. Just that I didn't live up to society's expectations that to be a real woman I have to be a mother."

"I told you, if it was just Izzie I would have come back."

"And if only there was a baby here you would have stayed," Jo pointed out. "I really thought I meant more than that. I thought I was enough on my own."

"Oh come on…"

"You know what haunted me for months?" She looked at him to be sure she had his attention, "That face you made when I joked about being pregnant at our wedding. The terror in your eyes at the thought of me having your children. At that time, I really thought you just weren't ready but then a few weeks later you were gone to be with your perfect family and I…." She took a deep breath, "I just kept seeing that face every time I closed my eyes for months. That terror and fear and maybe some disgust. And then how you didn't even want me to know about the twins or to get a chance to be in their lives. That even that was too much for you."

Alex looked out over the bar in shame, his stomach in knots, before looking back at her, "I'm so sorry you felt that way Jo, that…that wasn't…"

"Were you scared because you weren't ready to be a father until you realized you had kids already here or were you terrified at the thought of it being me that would be the mother to your children?"

Alex looked down, wishing he had left instead of joining her, "I just didn't think it was the right time for us in that moment."

"Because of me and everything…." Alex looked up, unsure of where her mind was as she nodded, "You had decided you didn't want to have kids with me. That I wasn't good enough to be the mother of your kids. And then a few weeks later you decided I wasn't good enough to be a step-mother to your kids. Because I don't go all out decorating for Christmas or cook a Thanksgiving turkey or bake muffins, or..."

"That's…." He wanted to argue, but he once again felt he had no right to defend himself or his actions, "Look, I don't want to try to convince you of how you should have felt back then because that's a bullshit thing to do." He looked up to see her looking at him with interest, "But Jo, I swear, if you don't hear another thing I say ever again I want you to know I think you're an exceptional mother." This caused her chin to quiver before she looked away suddenly. "I've watched you over the past few days and I…when I pictured us with kids I always knew you would be great even when we first got together. I even said that in my first proposal…."

"How many times do I have to tell you a proposal ends with a question?"

She looked back over with a small hint of a grin, causing his shoulder to bounce slightly with laughter, so relieved to laugh with her again, hoping it was a sign that they could get back to being friendly once again eventually. He hadn't realized just how much he had missed joking with her and seeing her smile, "I still maintain the question was there, just not verbalized." Jo shook her head and looked down at the bar, the moment seemingly over. Alex closed his eyes briefly before pressing on, "My point is…I always knew you would be great, but seeing you as a mother…you're even more amazing than I ever imagined you would be. Every time I see you with your kids I'm more in awe. And I'm…sorry if I ever did or said anything to make you doubt yourself."

"You did." She sniffled and looked back over at him. "I honestly didn't think I was going to survive you leaving." That statement felt like a punch in his gut. What was she saying? Was that a simple expression or something much more serious? He had felt she was on good ground emotionally when he left but maybe he had been wrong. And how did Hayes factor into that time? Just tonight he realized that Hayes had been around when the letters were delivered, had he taken advantage of Jo's emotional state? His mind was swimming with information as he tried to piece together a timeline. "But you know what, in spite of everything, I'm glad you left." Alex furrowed his eyebrows, surprised by the change in her voice, as she wiped her eyes and a small smile started to form, "Otherwise, I wouldn't have my kids."

Before he could respond, Joe came over and handed Jo a handkerchief to help dry her tears that were still falling. Alex knew he shouldn't, but before he could stop himself, he asked, "In the social summary for Mattie under prenatal history it noted you had two abortions….were….was one or both of those mine?"

Jo's eyes widened as she slowly turned to him, her voice dangerously low, "What did you just ask me?"

"I just…I never knew of any but….it doesn't really seem like you would have since then…"

She gritted her teeth as her fingers dug into the back of the barstool, her knuckles turning white, "Not that it is any of your business, but no." She blinked her eyes several times and exhaled deeply, her tone changing to one of resignation, "I thought for a little while I was pregnant when you left and had decided I would have an abortion if I was because I certainly didn't want you coming back since I never wanted to see you again." She glanced over at him maintaining eye contact before continuing, "Plus, I wouldn't have ever been able to keep your kid a secret from you unlike some people." She then glanced away, once again using Joe's hankerchief to attempt drying her eyes, "On top of that I was drinking so heavily after you left any fetus would have most likely had FAS or worse….but I wasn't. I never was. Probably just my body's way of dealing with the stress and weight loss. So no, I was never pregnant by you." She then cut her eyes at him, "Maybe you should get that checked since it only seems to happen for you in a lab."

Alex nodded trying to ignore her angry digs, the image she had painted upsetting him, "Sorry, I shouldn't have brought it up. I just saw it and it's been on my mind ever since."

Jo looked at him, her eyes now red from crying as she continued to wipe her cheeks as the tears continued to fall, "No, you shouldn't have."

He nodded and pushed his discarded beer towards her, "For what it's worth…I know you wouldn't have hid a kid from me. I said that to Izzie once during an argument….I think that's when she decided to divorce me."

Jo threw her head back to laugh before looking at him with wide eyes, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I shouldn't laugh, that's cruel."

"I think I deserve it."

Jo tilted her head, "Maybe." They sat in silence for a moment before Jo spoke again, "For what it's worth, I am sorry you and Izzie didn't make it."

Alex narrowed his eyes, "Seriously?"

She shrugged, "Seriously. I mean, if I had to lose you and….go through all that I did when you left, I would have wanted your relationship to at least work out. Otherwise it all seems for nothing."

Alex nodded, "That's pretty big of you." Jo smiled in acknowledgement as he continued, "But I did get to get close with my kids and even if it hurts you to hear, I can't say I would trade that time with them for anything. I'd do it all over again for them."

Jo nodded sadly as she looked at her buzzing phone, "I would too for mine." She glanced back up for them to share a look of mutual understanding before Jo held her phone in the air, "Mattie's asking for me. Go ahead and drink your beer, I'll see you in the morning."