CHAPTER 17 - Longing

Upon her return, Oscar's life began to flow in a familiar, well-known way. Training with Jerome in the morning, then going to Versailles, working, coming home and in the end of the day - the lonely evening. But what had seemed to be so normal before, so familiar, it began to be a series of torments. The work did not give her the same satisfaction as before, although she devoted herself to it much more intensively. And while she managed to survive somehow during the day, the evenings became an agony. She could still remember the touch of Andre's lips and hands. She remembered the moments they shared, every conversation, every gaze.

To soothe her longing, she drank one glass of wine after another. But nothing seemed to be able to ease the pain. Sometimes she got mad at herself for this weakness. After all, she was a soldier! She should have gone on without looking back. Especially since she knew, from the beginning, that she would never be able to show this feeling, that had arisen between them, to the world. The freedom they felt on that wild beach was only an illusion, and they were fooled by that sweet, intoxicating deception. A fairy tale in which a noble woman could love a commoner..

Oscar wasn't going to lie to herself. Even if she had only suspected it before, now she was absolutely sure. She was in love. Something that should never have happened, just simply happened. Moreover, she did not want to fight this feeling at all. It was the most beautiful thing that had happened in her entire life. And she wanted this man like nothing and no one before ...

In late August, a few days before Andre's birthday, she wrote a letter, sealed it, and sent to Etretat. She couldn't ask him to come. Nor could she admit her feelings. Certainly not by letter. But she wanted to give him a special gift. She believed he would understand. After the letter were sent, she felt at ease. She made a decision. She was not going to give up on him. Never. She didn't know what to do yet. She couldn't even imagine what they would be for themselves. Because the rules of the world they lived in would never let them get married. But she was tired of bending over to someone else's rules. Absurd. Unfair. She wanted something different for herself. But she knew she could not give up this life overnight. Father would never accept that. That's why so far her dreams had only one fixed point - Andre by her side. The rest was a vague dream for now.

...

Another obstacle was the presence of Fersen. After her return from holidays, he visited her at least once a week. They practiced fencing together, ate lunch, and drank afternoon tea. Fersen did not mention his proposal anymore, but nothing indicated that he had resigned. Oscar tried her best to avoid the topic. They talked about the queen, parties, concerts, and also military matters. Fersen looked at her sometimes carefully, when she fell silent in mid-sentence, as if she was remembering something. Or she was blushing as she stared at the glass when he didn't say a word yet. Fersen was too intelligent to think it was because of him. One evening, when she fell silent for a longer time than usually, he dared to ask.

- Perhaps I'm repeating myself, Oscar - he said, watching her closely - But I think you are different. Pensive. At times absent. What's happening?

She looked at him quickly, a little scared, and went back to sipping wine. She didn't answer.

- If I hadn't known you - continued Fersen steadfastly - I would have bet it was some man's doing. But I can't imagine you in love, Oscar! - he laughed sincerely at his words.

The woman blushed to the roots of her hair. Wasn't this man ashamed to talk to her like that?

- Although.. I've been watching you for months and I just can't recognize you now - he came up and knelt next to her chair - You have changed. You look so.. feminine, Oscar - he touched her hair gently above her forehead - You are all shining .. - he leaned over and brought his lips to hers.

Oscar sprang to her feet, nearly knocking over the wine table. Fersen stood in front of her and looked fearfully at her face. The woman, however, did not seem furious, as he had expected. She looked rather broken.

- Please, Fersen.. - she said quietly - Don't do that again. And don't visit me anymore. We will be meeting at Versailles.

The man nodded and left without saying a word.

Oscar sank heavily in the armchair. She put her head in her hands and sat there for a while. The longing fell on her unexpectedly, and she couldn't catch her breath. It's been almost three months since they said goodbye. They didn't even exchange a single letter, beside that she sent on August, and he even didn't answer. Is it possible that he had already forgotten about her? They promised each other nothing and he was a free man, he could do whatever he wanted. That day, when she mentioned marriage, he did not deny it. How could she have imagined it would be different? Stupid, naive girl. A sob shook her violently, but she controlled herself. She poured herself a glass of wine and drank it quickly. Then she poured another one. She needed it.

...

Andre paced back and forth nervously around the room. For three months he did his best to forget about this feeling. He did not reply to the letter she sent him with his birthday present. Nor did he write any other letter. Although he had thought about it at least a thousand times. He was on his way to Paris several times. He always turned back. He didn't know why, actually. He desperately needed to see her, take her in his arms, and press her against him. He dreamed about it every night. So why didn't he just do it? What was holding him back?

Maybe it was the voice in his head that kept saying that it all didn't make any sense. Whatever he did, there would be no future for them. The voice of grandma and uncle Etienne, who constantly admonished him to remember who he was. Let him know his place. Relatives who looked unfavorably at his friendship with Eugene. For learning fencing and shooting. Perhaps they meant well. They were afraid he would be disappointed when he faced the reality of his own poor birth. So they prepared him in advance for that. Perhaps also for the situation he was just struggling with. A plebeian in love with a noblewoman. What a good joke! The inappropriateness of this feeling was just shocking. Maybe that's why he didn't run to her yet.

But now he could go to Paris perfectly legally. The horses had to be taken to Jarjayes Manor right away. He had an hour to make a decision. But was it really a good idea? He was convinced that Eugene and his grandmother would wring their hands if they found out that he was considering leaving at all. And Oscar? What would Oscar say? The thought of her made him feel hot.

„If only I could see her. Even only once. But will I be able to resist her sweet lips? - he thought feverishly - So just only one kiss. Only one.."

He pushed the door open and walked towards the stables.

..

Oscar was walking home in a gloomy mood. The new recruits were just hopeless. Half of them had problems with conducting the attack. The other half needed decent condition training. While it was not a problem for everyday duties or guards, the problem would arise if they were attacked while escorting and protecting the royal couple. She couldn't trust her soldiers that they would be of any help to her in times of danger! It was totally unacceptable! But she could not reject their candidacy. They were the sons of noblemen and had the right to serve in the Royal Guards. There was no other option but to train them properly. Double training time was necessary. And they have to hire one more fencing teacher.

With these unhappy thoughts she reached the courtyard. Jerome had been sick for two days, lying in bed with a fever. It was weird going to Versailles without him, but she had a lot of time to think about the cadets. Jerome's mouth was never shut, he was a real talker, sometimes it was even tiring. She wondered sometimes how he endure a curmudgeon like her. She guessed that they just complemented each other.

She walked toward the stables, but Claude was nowhere to be seen.

"Where's that boy gone again? - she thought angrily - It looks like he has only girls in his head lately, instead of work."

So she went to the stable to take Caesar herself. She opened the gate and froze. A man stood a few steps ahead of her, his back now to her. He had just removed the saddle and put it back in its designated place, then he walked back to the horse, lifted his head, and then he saw her. They stared at each other for a moment without saying a word.

- Oscar - Andre said, feeling his heart start to beat hard.

- Andre - she whispered and ran to drown in his arms.

- I've missed you so much, Oscar - he said softly, placing little kisses on her hair, forehead, eyes and cheeks. When he came across her lips, he kissed her gently at first, then harder, more passionately. He drew her to him, as he had imagined a thousand times. And she dug her fingers into his hair and indulged in those kisses with all of her. It was so wonderful to feel his male body pressed against hers, his fingers running down her back, and the sweet taste of his lips.

- What are you doing here, Andre? - she asked, breathing hard as they finally pulled away from each other.

- I had to see you again, mon cherie - he said, stroking her face with his fingertips and looking her straight in the eye - I really missed you.

- Me too, Andre, me too - she whispered, kissing him again. The way he called her - „beloved".. Was it a dream?

- It's been so long, Oscar - he said softly - I'm sorry I didn't come earlier. I don't know what was holding me up. Forgive me..

- It's nothing, Andre - she replied, taking his face in her hands - The most important thing is that you are here now.

She pressed her cheek against his and was so enchanted by his scent, and he held her in his arms and did not let go for a long moment.

- We should go, Oscar - he said with a sigh, when they had already enjoyed their presence - They cannot find us here together. And grandma knows for sure that I have arrived. He's gonna send someone for me.

- You're right - she replied sighing - Go first. I'll catch up with you in a few minutes.

They kissed one last time and then parted ways.

..

Grandma Marie, despite her joy at her grandson's arrival, looked a little suspiciously at him as he explained why he had come. Andre was sure she just knew he was lying and hiding the real reason for coming. Grandma was hard to fool. She was an old lady, but as smart as a fox, she sensed all the conspiracies in no time. Her eyes narrowed into tiny slits when Oscar materialized ten minutes after her grandson appeared in the kitchen. The mere appearance of her might not have been very suspicious, because mademoiselle sometimes appeared in the kitchen asking for tea or cake. However, it was not what the hostess was worried about, but what she saw on Oscar's face.

Since Oscar's return from Normandy she had been subdued, alternately sad or furious. The girl was also drinking way too much. And now, right now, a genuinely happy smile appeared on Oscar's lips, her eyes shining. Marie felt panic growing in her heart. Admittedly, mademoiselle's well-being was something that had troubled her for a long time, so she should actually be pleased. But Marie had a vague feeling that Andre's arrival was responsible for Oscar's good mood, and that was no longer appropriate. Moreover, it was truly dangerous. Marie should have to keep an eye on them..

She was watching them closely now. They weren't actually doing anything wrong. They sat side by side at the kitchen table and chatted. About the road to Paris, horses, even the weather. However, the hostess was not deceived, although the complicity was evident only in their gazes, full of a strange softness.

There was no point in talking to Andre. Recently, he had gotten very angry with her when she suggested they being intimate. Perhaps she really exaggerated. If they were lovers, someone would have noticed something by now, because the servants did not miss any opportunities to find an affair. However, nobody found anything against them. Of course, this whole friendship case wasn't desirable either, but no one could forbid them. They were adults, and friendship wasn't illegal. Love was. At least in their situation.

There was still the mysterious Rosalie case. When they left for Etretat together, Rosalie was euphoric. During her stay in Normandy, her well-being ranged from happiness to tears. After returning, she retreated and remained silent. Letters from Andre also stopped coming. The whole situation wasn't looking good..

Marie had to stop deliberating because at that moment she heard something interesting.

- Will you come to Versailles with me tomorrow, Andre? - Oscar asked, a little quieter - You once said you wanted to see the palace.

Grandma pursed her lips in annoyance.

- Very much, Oscar - he smiled in response - After all, I told you once that I would gladly become your orderly if you were fed up with Jerome - he joked.

- What are you talking about!? - the woman was indignant - You will come as my guest, not a servant. I don't want to hear a word! - she added laughing, seeing that he started to protest.

- As you wish, Miss Colonel! - Andre laughed as well.

Grandma sighed heavily. It was unbearable ..

- Andre! - she interrupted their cheerful conversation - You are surely tired of the journey. I'll take you to the room. Come! - she ordered.

- Good night Oscar! - Andre managed to say before his grandmother almost forcibly pulled him out of the kitchen.

- Good night! See you tomorrow! - he replied, looking at him intensely. She knew he would understand.

...

- Be careful, Andre! - his grandmother hissed to him when the door to his room closed behind them. - If General sees your intimacy, your foot will not set here again. If not worse! You have a good job, try not to lose it!

- Okay, Grandma - he said, kissing her cheek - I'll stay away from the General, I promise! - he laughed, seeing as she mumbles some curses under her breath.

But then she hugged him and wished him good night. She loved this rascal, her grandson, after all.