If you need help, please contact the following:

National Eating Disorders Association Helpline: 1-800-931-2237

(Monday-Thursday 9am-9pm, Friday 9am-5pm. All EST time)

where-do-i-start-0

Song of the Chapter: Bring Direction by Hiss Golden Messenger

WARNING: Mentions of underage drinking.

As Luke called a cab, Annabeth was sure her heart was going to catapult out of her chest. Oh Lord, she did not want to be here. At all. The moment she and Luke stepped out into the snow, the darkening sky began to reflect her mood. Now she just had to convince herself that she would try and have a halfway decent night.

"This weather sucks," Luke said as they brushed the flakes off themselves in the back of a cab. "I was all looking forward to walking with you."

Annabeth's eyebrows raised. A comment like that a few months ago would have sent her spiraling, but now… "Yeah, me too. It's so cold outside!"

Luke grimaced. "I know. Guess it does fit the whole Snow Ball idea, right?"

And dear gods, they were talking about the weather. Besides college, Annabeth realized, she and Luke had nothing to talk about. And Annabeth hated talking about college. She didn't want to bring it up tonight. So looks like they wouldn't talk at all.

Pure silence didn't sound too bad, until Annabeth remembered that they were en route to dinner with Luke's whole friend group. This was what scared her. They were all nice people, but every single one was a senior. They were all beautiful and terribly popular. If she was going to survive the night, she needed to be at least a little comfortable with Luke, her date. Her date. Oh no.

"You look really good," he said.

"Oh," Annabeth blushed. "Thanks. My stepmom is really good at makeup and everything."

"Pretty dress. Very wintry."

Annabeth wanted to bang her head against the window. This, again? And she didn't want him to look at her, either. "I like your tie."

Luke shot her a grin, then tugged at the gray tie wrapping around his neck. "Pretty color."

"My favorite."

"Mmm."

Annabeth wanted to grimace. Alright, she'd throw Luke a bone. "Heard from any other schools?"

His face lit up. Dear Lord. "Yes! And you'll never guess…"

Annabeth lost track of all the mming and hmming she did as the cab finally pulled up to the restaurant. It was a topic she found incredibly boring and remarkably stressful, but at the very least, it wasn't awkward anymore. Luke basically charged ahead with the conversation, giving her the minute updates. Thank God he only thought to ask her where she was interested in applying when they pulled up to the restaurant and Annabeth could duck his question. But now there was another battle to fight.

She could see a big table near the front almost completely full with Luke's friends. She didn't know everyone, but she did recognize Charles Beckendorf, Silena Beauregard, Miranda Gardner, and Drew Tanaka. Oh God. Drew.

Drew wasn't the cheerleading or dance team captain, but she was absolutely, undeniably stunning. It was made worse by the fact that she wasn't a complete airhead. In fact, she was just not a very nice person, in Annabeth's opinion.

Thoughts on Drew Tanaka completely changed depending on who you asked. Annabeth and her friends (could she call them that?) had never been huge fans, but Drew was plenty popular in other circles— namely the jocks and general party crowd. Sure, she was fun and pretty, but she could also be downright rude. Annabeth gulped. How absolutely convenient to now remember that Drew had been Luke's date to both the Snow Ball and prom last year. They'd had a weird on-off relationship that had never really materialized, but Annabeth wouldn't be surprised that even if Drew didn't like Luke anymore, she would hate Annabeth for being "involved" with him.

Uh oh.

"There they are!" said Luke, completely oblivious. "I hope it's fine with you that we're going with them.

"Oh, yeah," Annabeth lied. "Totally fine. My friends weren't doing much of anything."

Luke opened the door for her as they made their way into the restaurant. His friends immediately turned around to greet them. Annabeth fought to keep the look of despair off of her face. Well, at least she'd be able to sit with Luke.

Wrong.

Two seats remained, on opposite edges of the table. One was next to Drew, and the other was all the way over by Miranda Gardner and Chris Ramirez. Annabeth tried to glance at Luke and beg him to rearrange the seats, but he scanned the table before giving her an apologetic glance. "Sorry, Annabeth. Is it alright if we don't sit together?
Holy fucking shit. "Totally fine."

Luke slid into the nearest seat next to Miranda Gardner, leaving Annabeth to make the long walk to sit next to Drew, who stared at her as she walked over. Not even a hint of a smile was on her face.

Annabeth took her seat and tried to smile at Silena Beauregard, who was sitting across from her. If she did know one thing, it was that Silena was really, really nice. Like Drew, she was unfairly beautiful, but she was nice.
"Hey Annabeth!" Silena said. "How are you doing? Your dress is beautiful."

Nothing compares to you, Annabeth thought. Silena's wavy brown hair was half-up, half-down, and spilled out over her white dress. She looked like an angel. God, she was so skinny. "Thanks. Yours is nice too!"

SIlena smiled. "Thanks. I had a ton of fun picking it out. Charlie and Drew came with me," she motioned to Beckendorf sitting behind her. Charles Beckendorf was the strong, silent sort of type. He didn't even give Annabeth a nod of recognition. She gulped.

"Oh. That's awesome."

"That was so much fun, Silena." Drew.

She looked perfect, no surprises there. Her hair was drawn into a messy bun at the base of her neck. Her dress was pink, contrasting against her pale skin. How on earth did she get her arms to be that thin?

"So, you're here with Luke, Annabeth?" That wasn't a question. It was a challenge. Annabeth turned to face Drew. Her eyes were wide and her lips slightly pursed in the picture of perfect innocence.

"Uh, yes. He asked me last week."

Drew smiled. God, why did she get to look that beautiful! "Oh, that's cute. I went with Luke last year. He's a great date." Drew kept staring at Annabeth, but her eyes were hard, and her full lips were now pressed into a thin, straight line. "You know what I mean?"

Part of Annabeth was pissed. Who did Drew think she was? And Annabeth didn't feel angry about Drew's possessiveness over Luke— not at all. For some reason Annabeth really didn't feel like thinking about quite yet, she couldn't quite bring herself to care too much about that. But here Drew was, being more than a little rude. But the other part of Annabeth wanted to melt under Drew's gaze. And that was the part that won out.

"Oh, uh, yeah."

Silena, who was watching the exchange with raised eyebrows, quickly patted Drew's hand. "I love your makeup, Drew. It must've taken ages."

Grateful to have Drew's frying gaze taken away from her, Annabeth took a deep breath. She was fine. She was above this, and Drew was just being rude. If she was like that again, she'd have to react differently.

And so was the start of an absolutely terrible dinner. Annabeth could talk to Silena, but she was more wrapped up in Beckendorf. And Drew? Absolutely not.

Annabeth nearly cried out in relief when the waiter finally came to take their orders. She had reviewed the restaurant menu previously and already knew exactly what she wanted when the waiter rolled around. "I'll have the spring salad please."

Then it was Drew's turn. "I'll take the spring salad, with dressing on the side, and no additional bread."

Annabeth's heart fell. Oh no. Stupid, stupid, stupid. That's exactly what she should've done. That's probably how Drew got so skinny. Salads without dressing and no carbohydrates.

Annabeth thought about what she could've been doing. She could've been getting ready with Piper, and maybe even Thalia. They would've been blasting music and making fun of all the popular people— the very people Annabeth was sitting with right now. They would've taken the subway and eaten at Piper's apartment. And then she would've danced with Percy, probably. What?

Annabeth didn't feel right in the head. Maybe it was all those carbohydrates she had been eating.

Eventually, they got their food, finished, and left. Annabeth hated every moment. There was Luke, on the opposite side of the table, chatting and laughing at every passing moment. Annabeth, on the other hand, was about ready to tear her hair out. Everything Drew had said the entire night had sounded like a backhanded compliment. Once, she asked Annabeth if she had gotten her dress from a thrift store, and then congratulated her on helping save the environment.

It was awful. But it couldn't be worse at the dance, right? Then Luke would have to hang out with her, because he was her date. She could just drag him to another side of the gym, if she wanted to. All she had to do was make it happen— starting with taking a cab that was just with Luke, not with Drew.

The group huddled outside the restaurant, still laughing and joking. Annabeth was done trying to convince herself that she wasn't a complete outsider, and hovered next to Luke, her hand in his. A month ago, this would've driven Annabeth's heart up the wall, but now, she didn't feel much of anything. His hands were pretty cold.

Finally, the first cab pulled up. Slowly, various groups piled in, until the last few people waiting were Annabeth, Luke, Silena, Beckendorf, and Drew. Another cab pulled up to the street, waiting.

"Silena, you and Beckendorf can go ahead," Drew said, tossing her a sweet smile.

Annabeth wanted to smash her fist into a wall.

"Are you sure, Drew? You're welcome to squeeze in with us."

"No, go along. I'll stay with the two new lovebirds," Drew said, tossing what should've been a kind glance to Annabeth. Instead, all she saw was a cold glare. "And make sure they behave."

"You're welcome to ride with us, Drew. See you guys soon," Luke said, shutting the door of Silena's cab. It slid off, and the three were left in silence at the curb. Annabeth looked up to avoid looking at Drew. The snow was coming down faster.

"So," Drew said sweetly, "How'd you meet?"

Luke shot Annabeth a smile and tugged her hand closer to him. He was never like this. Why was he acting so weird? "Well, Annabeth and I used to be neighbors. We've known each other a long time. We disconnected for a little bit, but started being friends again once we realized we both went to Goode."

Drew smiled. "So cute. When did you all meet up again?"

Luke answered again, continuing his conversation with Drew. The way these two were going at it, all Annabeth needed to do was lock them in a room with each other. While they talked, Annabeth stopped looking at the sky and started thinking about how Drew had requested no bread with her salad. Why did she get to be so skinny?

Occasionally, a moment hit Annabeth where all she wanted, more than anything in the entire world, was to be skinny— times where it felt like she would've given absolutely anything to a need so real and so true. How could she be happy if she didn't look the way she wanted? How could she be attractive? How could she be lovable?

These moments came at weird times, and Annabeth never really expected them. And this was one of those moments: standing out there, shivering in the cold while they flagged down a cab. All she could think of was being skinny— the moment around her faded away. Luke and Drew's conversation became irrelevant. All Annabeth could think about is how she wouldn't be so miserable, so stressed and so upset all the time, if she was just skinny.

And then the cab arrived, and Luke, with his hand still wrapped around her, pulling her inside. Even though Annabeth half-participated in conversation on the way to the dance, that was really all she could think about.

If only, if only, if only.

If Annabeth had been paying attention, she would've seen how beautiful their school gym looked. A big room that normally smelled terrible, it was now decorated with paper flowers and streamers, with fake pine trees dusted with fake snow placed around the room. The stage was dressed up like a Winter Wonderland. But Annabeth didn't see much of that, as she was too focused thinking about how much she hated how she looked in her dress. If she had been paying attention, she would've noticed Piper and Jason arriving. They looked great together. If she had been paying attention, she would've seen Percy come in nearly an hour late, slouching over and his eyes dimly scanning the room with a little bit of hope. But she didn't see that.

As Annabeth walked in to the dance, after the miserable dinner and miserable cab ride, she figured all that she needed to do was focus on Luke the entire night. If she did that, then maybe she could drive Drew and all her snappish comments away. No such luck.

There weren't very many slow songs, at first, and Luke wasn't much one for dancing. They spent most of the night walking around the room and talking to people— some Annabeth knew, and many she didn't. Luke kept her with him, his arm clutching hers in an oddly tight grip. The other thing Annabeth noticed, which made the pit in her stomach feel worse and worse, is that wherever Drew went, Luke and Annabeth followed.

The only moment Luke left her alone is when a few boys from the lacrosse team Annabeth had never met surrounded him, and he told her he'd find her in a few. When Annabeth spun away from him, grateful for her first moment of solitude, the entire night, she was face to face with Drew.

"Hi Annabeth," Drew said. "Do you have a moment?"

"Uh, sure."

"I know you're aware of Luke and I's history…" Drew trailed off, letting the words fill themselves in.

"Yes."

"I just wanted to let you know that I think you too are such a great match. Luke normally goes for someone who's more outgoing and more ah," she gave Annabeth a smile, "experienced, if you catch my drift. But I'm sure he's having fun with you."

Annabeth's eyes were as wide as dinner plates. Once again, part of her was absolutely livid at Drew's insinuation, even though they were true. Drew was right. Annabeth wasn't popular, and she never went to parties, and had never had sex. It felt like Drew was better in every way.

And even though Annabeth was sure she didn't like Luke— and was finally able to admit it— she still wanted his approval. She still wanted him to think that she was pretty and had a nice body, and everything. But how would she ever be able to compare to Drew?

Annabeth opened her mouth to say something, but she couldn't respond. Then the DJ struck up a slow song, and Luke was by her in a flash, reaching out to dance. "Hey, Annabeth. You wanna dance?"

Annabeth wanted to tell him the truth. She did not want to dance. She wanted to go puke her guts out and then sprint home and fall asleep, but she did not. Instead she said goodbye to Drew and went off to dance with Luke.

With every step, Drew's words bounced around her head. I'm sure he's having fun with you. But Annabeth wasn't just something to have fun with. Luke thought of her as more than that, right?

Right?
But as they danced, Annabeth became less and less sure. Her suspicions had been piqued when Luke had insisted on being wherever Drew was all night, but now she had begun to gather some real evidence. The way they talked to one another. The meaningful glances she saw Luke send Drew's way. And now— he was purposefully dancing just a few yards away from her and some random soccer player, and glanced over Annabeth every few seconds, right at Drew.

Instead of getting heavier, the pit in Annabeth's stomach began to tighten. Luke wouldn't… right? He would never do something like that. But the longer the dance went on, and the more Luke looked behind her, the worse Annabeth felt. There was something going on. She could feel it.

She had to get out of here.

The moment the song ended and Luke slipped his hand in hers again, probably intending on finding another group with Drew in it to infiltrate, Annabeth yanked her arm back. "You know, I'm kind of thirsty. I'm going to go grab some water."

"Want me to come with you?"

Annabeth waved him off. "No, you have fun. I'll come back after."

Annabeth had only been partially lying. She was thirsty, but she wasn't planning on coming back for as long as possible. As she saw Luke slide over to Drew and start laughing with her, she was sure he wouldn't mind.

The refreshments table was hidden in an appropriately dark corner of the gym to avoid being seen. A nervous student council freshman had been posted there, probably to make sure nobody took too much food or tried to spike the punch. It was moments like this where Annabeth really wished someone had spiked the freaking punch! She wasn't a stranger to alcohol, despite what Drew had insinuated. She and Piper had stolen their parents liquor and wine before, and Thalia always had a ready supply. In fact, if she had come with Piper, they'd probably be a little tipsy. But it had been a while since Annabeth had been drunk. She was just too busy with exercising.

Thinking of Piper made her glance around the room to find her. It didn't take too long. She and Jason were dancing ridiculously on the edge of the dance floor to some random 80s song. They looked insane, but they were laughing, and it was clear they were having a ton of fun. Even from here, Annabeth knew her best friend looked absolutely beautiful in a short burgundy dress. Seeing them made Annabeth think of Percy, and she felt her heart ache a little bit. Why had she been so stupid? She could've been with them. She should've been with him. But where was Percy?

He was here, right? She couldn't remember if she had seen him or not, which was odd, considering that Annabeth felt like she was always looking around to find Percy. But the more she looked around the gym, she felt her heart drop. He probably wasn't here. Why hadn't he come? It wasn't because of her, was it?

God, if only they had spiked the punch.

Annabeth hated this. She hated being here. In this moment, all she could do was gulp down the rest of her drink, slam it on the table and scare the student council freshman, and stalk out of there. She needed some fresh air.

If you need help, please contact the following:

National Eating Disorders Association Helpline: 1-800-931-2237

(Monday-Thursday 9am-9pm, Friday 9am-5pm. All EST time)

where-do-i-start-0

Authors Note: Dance Part 1! Thoughts?

All you who were telling me not to make it Lukabeth have nothing to fear. In time. In time.

Predictions on what's going to happen next? I have quite a bit planned for the next couple of chapters, and I doubt it's going to be quite what you expect... at least I hope.

Do you all feel like this story is realistic? I mean, it obviously won't be completely true to real life for various reasons, but I want to know if you think Annabeth's emotions and thought process make sense. It might be easier to tell when we have a chapter with a little less action and a little more focus on her character and eating disorder. Do her motives make sense?

I'm just kinda interested. Please leave a review and tell me what you think- and also listen to the song for this chapter! I saw them in concert a few days ago, and they're great.

BONUS: If you're interested, I spent some time on ASOS and came up with a few ideas for what Annabeth's dress would have been! Please PM me if you want to see what I had in mind :)

Emily