CHAPTER 30 - Trying to regain memories

March 1780

For the past month, Oscar had been trying to sort out the mess in her head. After just a few days since her awakening, she realized that something was wrong. As if the life she remembered did not match the life she actually lived. At first everything looked much the same. There were parents, a house and a nanny. Work at Versailles and the uniform that was waiting for her near the bed. There was Rosalie, who was not something like a sister after all, but simply worked at the court as a maid. There was Caesar, her beloved horse. The sword she had picked up several times before and tried to swing, though she shouldn't have yet. There was also Fersen, but the relationship with him was not quite as she remembered either. However, the most important difference, the most painful and incomprehensible, was the absence of Andre.

…

At some point Oscar decided to conduct a private investigation about her own past.

The first step was the meeting with Jerome, her orderly in this reality. The first time he entered her room, she didn't recognize him at all. He was a handsome, well-built man in his thirties with long, pale blond hair. His face was harmonious and his eyes were gray as a winter sky. He was very friendly and talkative, so it wasn't long before they started talking freely. He told her everything that had happened at Versailles since her accident. About the incident itself, the Girodelle investigation and the lack of any explanation. He said he sometimes goes to the palace to keep up to date. He told her that both the soldiers and the captain miss her very much and look forward to her return. He was laughing at the same time because, as he immediately explained, her extra training had taken its toll on everyone that her absence felt as if they were having a vacation. Girodelle, it seemed, was not as strict as she was.

Jerome sat for two hours, and his company was pleasant to Oscar. She also learned a lot. Most of all, she made sure that Andre wasn't really her orderly. She also understood his awful embarrassment during that first conversation after her waking.

...

Then, for her investigation, she needed to speak to Rosalie. One day an opportunity arose.

- You know, Rosalie - she said gently as the girl cleared the table in her room - that I don't remember everything well yet? Can you remind me of how we met?

Rosalie turned beet red.

- I picked up your carriage, mademoiselle, and asked for money.. - she said softly, embarrassed - I was poor and I could not buy food and medicine for my mother.

- And what happened next? - the woman pulled out of her.

- You offered me a job here, in the Jarjayes manor, and I agreed - the girl smiled - Thanks to that I could buy medicine and cure my mother. And we were never hungry again.

- Your mother.. - Oscar began hesitantly.

- My mom's name is Nicole. She feels very well now, thanks to your generosity, mademoiselle Oscar. Three times a week I go to visit her in Paris - Rosalie said happily.

- Have I ever.. - the woman asked carefully - taught you to fight with a sword?

- Oh, God, no! - the other laughed - What would I need such a skill for?

"Okay, Oscar thought, that was part of this strange dream too."

...

- Nanny ..? - Oscar asked in early March. She could get up now and sit on the sofa. Or take a short walk down the corridor without getting out of breath. They were just returning from such a stroll with Marie, who had insisted on accompanying her

- I am listening you, darling - answered the old lady, helping her sit up.

- Andre is your grandson, right? - Oscar began.

Nanny sighed. She didn't feel like answering questions about Andre. She nodded in confirmation.

- Your daughter and son-in-law both died when Andre was eight. Why didn't you take him here? - Oscar continued, looking at her attentively.

- Your father was against it - said Nanny sincerely.

- I see.. - Oscar mused - And since then Andre has lived in Normandy, hasn't he?

- Yes. My brother Etienne took the boy to him - the woman confirmed.

- Why didn't my father agree that you should raise him?

- I don't know, mademoiselle - Marie decided to conceal her father's intentions, which could lead to another avalanche of questions - But since he did so, I had no right to do otherwise. If it weren't for Etienne, I would just have to leave the manor and take care of Andre. I would never leave a grandson high and dry.

- It's obvious, I'm not surprised at all, nanny - Oscar said gently - And do you remember.. when we met, Andre and me? My head hasn't been working well since the accident and I can't remember.. - she continued, impassive.

- Why all these questions, child? - Marie pouted violently and quickly headed for the door - Is it really that important? Your paths crossed one day, and now was the time to separate them. He's gone and there is no need to pursue this matter. I have to go now, I'm sorry - she added and ran away.

Oscar looked after her suspiciously. Nanny was acting weird. As if asking about the relationship with her grandson was inconvenient, inappropriate. What did it mean? And that kiss Oscar couldn't forget..

In her memories, Andre was a friend, a brother. And though she knew the image her mind had created wasn't real, she couldn't change it. Only the flutter of her heart at the memory of the touch of his fingers and lips told her that the relationship must have been different. Completely different. Could it be that before the accident she was in love with Andre? And if so, what he thought when she hit him because of that kiss. Oscar put her hand on her forehead with a nervous gesture. A goddamn accident that confused her mind. But this dream she had.. was so realistic. She could have sworn she lived that life. The life in which Andre grew up with with her since he was eight. He was her best friend, the confidant of her secrets. Still by her side, like a shadow, like an alter ego. And his absence now was like a splinter. It hurt.

…

Due to the excess of duties, Fersen did not come to her until mid-March. Oscar was nervous. In that dream, she was madly in love with Fersen, and he did not reciprocate her, which was a source of constant torment for her. She took a few deep breaths when Sylvie announced the Count's arrival.

- Good morning, Oscar - Fersen said amiably as he approached her. He took her hands in his and squeezed gentle - I was so worried about you - there was real concern in his voice - When I was told about the accident, I was furious with anxiety. It's good to see you in good health - he smiled at her.

Oscar nodded and said nothing. Fersen was as handsome as she remembered. He had dark blonde hair, eyes gray as a storm cloud, regular features, and a laughing mouth. Oscar should be dying of happiness to have him there and that he was so kind, so concerned about her. But she felt nothing, nothing at all. As if feelings for him had evaporated when she awoke. His next words left her shocked.

- I would like to apologize to you again for that afternoon, Oscar - the man said, looking at her regretfully - I don't know what happened to me. I went crazy with jealousy when I saw you with him. I know I had no right to say that to you, forgive me.. I had no right to interfere in your life at all. Who you are dating is only your business. How can I condemn you because of his background when I myself have a relationship with a woman who is so far beyond me in birth. And she is also married.. This Andre of yours is at least a bachelor, from what I found out.

- But, Fersen.. - the woman began to say, becoming increasingly stunned, but he interrupted her.

- Don't say anything, Oscar. I know I shouldn't have asked about him, I got carried away.. I met his friend at Versailles and I couldn't help myself.. I was so furious you turned me away..

"What?" - Oscar thought at that moment.

- ..that my first thought was to discredit him in your eyes. But I have learned nothing of him that might be useful. Except he's a commoner, of course, but it doesn't seem to bother you - he smiled at her sympathetically, not noticing that the girl's eyes are getting bigger and bigger.

- I thought it over - continued Fersen - and I came to the conclusion that you did well, that you did not agree to this marriage. It would be a burden for both of us. Sorry for putting you in this position at all.

- Don't worry, Fersen - Oscar said reassuringly, pretending that she knew exactly what the man was talking about, although she simply couldn't shake off the shock - I don't blame you. That afternoon.. what caught your attention? - she tried to learn something discreetly.

- Oh, don't make me tell you - he lowered his eyes in embarrassment - I know I shouldn't suspect you of anything. After all, you did nothing wrong, you trained, you talked. But you looked at him, Oscar, like you never looked at me.. or at any other man, as far as I know. And we've known each other for so long. You've been close, too close to be just friends.. Could you tell me what's the truth, Oscar?

- Erm.. - the woman began to stutter. What the hell was she going to tell him? That she didn't remember anything of how she felt about Andre? That everything he told her right now was new to her? The marriage proposal. Her refusal. The relationship with Andre - Can we not talk about it now, Fersen? This is a difficult situation for me. Another time, I promise.

He nodded in response and did not pursue any further. The Count stayed an hour and told her about what was new with the Queen and Little Princess Teresa. About palace gossip. About her admirers who ask him every day what is up with her. About many dance parties and concerts.

When Fersen left, Oscar thought deeply. Her suspicions were right. Something was going on between her and Andre, and although no one could confirm to her exactly what it was, she knew it wasn't an ordinary friendship. Did they share their love? Were they lovers? She shivered at the thought and squeezed her head with her hands. Why couldn't she remember anything? How could she forget it?

...

April came unnoticed, with the first warm days and buds appearing on trees and shrubs. Every day the world shook itself off the memories of winter and was clothed in a beautiful, colorful and green coat. Oscar first admired these changes from the windows of her room, then allowed herself to take small walks in the park and garden. Initially slowly so as not to open the almost healed wounds. Then her gait improved and her body was ready for new challenges. In early April, she began to train her sword again with Jerome and got on her horse for the first time since the accident. She started off with slow rides, but soon drove like there was no break.

The body was recovering, but Oscar's mind was still moving in two dimensions - what was real and images from her strange dream. Sometimes she had to think for a moment to distinguish one from the other. The presence of Jerome helped. And, paradoxically, the absence of Andre. This most important difference between the two worlds kept her in balance. She was unable to regain the memories of her real relationship with Andre Grandier. That part of her past had been irretrievably lost.