If you need help, please contact the following:
National Eating Disorders Association Helpline: 1-800-931-2237
(Monday-Thursday 9am-9pm, Friday 9am-5pm. All EST time)
where-do-i-start-0
Song of the Chapter: Misunderstood by Wilco
There's something there that you can't find
You look honest when you're telling a lie
You hurt her but you don't know why
You love her but you don't know why
The inside of Chipotle was crowded, and Annabeth spied Piper and Jason halfway up the long line of customers waiting to order, hand in hand and waving back at them. She and Percy slid into the end of the line and Annabeth instantly began calculating her meal in her head. A bowl, most likely. Brown rice or beans? Just one, obviously, she wouldn't get both. Should she bother with guacamole? Was it worth the extra cost and calories?
But her endless rambling thoughts were cut off by Percy. "You still down to come to my mom's wedding?"
He cast her a small, sheepish grin. His hair was wet and he smelled intensely of chlorine, but Annabeth couldn't help but want to stand a little closer to him. "I'd love to, if that's alright with you."
"Of course it's okay."
"I mean, just in case it isn't…"
"Chase, we're good."
"We're good?"
"We're good." Percy cast her another one of those smiles, his chin tucked and his eyes glittering. "Thanks for coming today."
"Of course."
"What'd you think of your first meet?"
"Well, it smells horrible—"
"Fair point."
"And it goes on for hours—"
"Also true."
"And you happen to be there, which I wouldn't call ideal—"
"You hit a man where it hurts. I invited you just because I thought you wanted to see me in a Speedo."
Annabeth raised her eyebrows. "I mean, the other boys in Speedos are no issue. Probably makes coming to a meet worth it. You, however? Not so much." Complete and utter lies, spewing from Annabeth's mouth.
"You wound me, Wise Girl. There I was, swimming away, breaking state records, thinking you were checking me out the entire time. I was wrong!"
"You seem surprised, Seaweed Brain. Might want to get used to being wrong."
"Well, I've always been right before."
"Sure about that?"
"So very sure."
Annabeth hadn't been paying attention but they'd shuffled enough in line so they were now ready to order. She'd been so distracted with Percy she had barely glanced at the menu. What on earth had she been planning to order? So very suddenly, her throat clenched as she took a step forward, conscious of Percy's eyes on her back and the impatient nod of the worker.
"Hey," Annabeth tried to buy for time. "How are you doing?"
"Fine, thanks. What can I get you?"
It would be rude to stare at the menu any longer. Annabeth fixated on one thing and her order came pouring out. "I'll have a burrito. Steak, please."
"White or wheat tortilla?"
"White, please."
The employee pulled out an enormous white flour tortilla and quizzed Annabeth on the rest of her burrito's contents. She answered on autopilot, hardly believing what she was saying, like her mouth wasn't hers. White rice, black beans, fajita veggies, tomatillo salsa, sour cream, guacamole, cheese. She drew the line at queso and paid in disbelief, holding her tray in her hand and hardly believing she had just ordered a steak burrito.
Something roared in Annabeth's stomach, something without words that still made her so, so hungry, groaning with its desire to be satisfied. And Annabeth was the one who could feel its need: the same feeling that lurked under her at all times, the feeling that ruled her entire life, every decision she made each day. The need for fullness. The need for food.
Annabeth knew they sat down with Jason and Piper. She knew Percy had a burrito too. She knew they talked a little bit, but not a lot— they were all so hungry.
But Annabeth's hunger was not the same hunger as Percy and Jason's. It was not hunger from physical exertion. It was the kind of hunger that had been created by many months of restraint, the hunger that was absolutely unstoppable once it was allowed to surface. And Annabeth could only allow herself to submit to it, and all that it brought with it. She did not allow herself to think of its consequences.
She ate all of her burrito and then finished off Piper's sofritas bowl. She was done before both Percy and Jason. Annabeth dropped her fork into the empty plate and shoved it away from her, her eyes cast down to the table. Piper and Jason were talking, but Percy kept eating, looking at her occasionally with narrowed eyes.
Moments later, Percy stood up. "I'm going to go grab a cookie. Any of you guys want one?"
Piper and Jason decided to split one. "Such a couple," Percy said, shaking his head. Piper stuck out her tongue. "Annabeth, you want one?"
"No, no, I'm good."
He nodded and turned away. Piper and Jason carried on with some light conversation, but Annabeth wasn't listening. She had been brought back from the space she'd been while she was eating, and the consequences were setting in.
Annabeth felt close to tears, but she held them back. See? This is why it's easier not to eat like this.
She had eaten a burrito. She had broken so, so many of her rules. They flashed through her head:
RULES:
300 calories per meal
One 100 calorie snack for between either breakfast and lunch or lunch and dinner
At least 30 minutes of cardio exercise every day, with additional strength training (time permitting)
Limit added sugar, soda, white flour, candy, peanut butter, dairy!
Eat lots of vegetables! Vegetables don't count for calories!
Drink at least 64 oz of water every day
Stay Consistent
No off days!
The rules made it easier to follow. Having some sort of guideline made everything simpler. But they also made Annabeth feel so, so much worse. How could she hold herself to those standards? Her mouth went dry.
Water. She needed water. Water would help her digest the ridiculous quantity of food she had just allowed herself to eat.
Without saying anything to Piper and Jason, she went over to the soda fountain and filled up a glass. She stood there and chugged it all down, hoping that the water would somehow manage to flush everything out of her.
Annabeth had thought about forcing herself to throw up before, but she couldn't, even if there were moments where it felt like she could. Forcing herself to throw up would have given her a label she didn't want. Even now, it was hard to think the word in her head.
Bulimia.
That word came with other words, the words that Annabeth didn't want to think about. The labels she didn't want to think about, because there was a chance they would apply. Because there was a chance that what she was doing was something other than being healthy.
No. She wouldn't think about it. Not now.
Annabeth filled up the cup with water again and walked back to the table, where her friends were eating their cookies. Her stomach twisted and her mouth watered. Even now, she wasn't satisfied. And she hated that part about herself: the part that couldn't restrain what she wanted, that could barely say no to food. She took another sip of her water.
Water would have to be enough.
They left just moments later. They all had homework to do and it was already growing later, so they all said their goodbyes outside Chipotle. Annabeth and Percy walked back to the Prius.
"Good dinner, huh?"
Annabeth barely brought herself to respond to his forced comment. She was still stuck in her head, unused to the heavy feeling of her stomach. "Better than McDonalds."
"I could go for some McDonalds, speaking of that."
"You're still hungry?" How could that be possible?
Percy shrugged. "Swim meets are exhausting. But I wanna get back. I still got math homework to do. Speaking of which, can we meet up again to talk about that?"
Annabeth stopped the sigh of relief from leaving her lips. She didn't know how she would've reacted if he had taken her to McDonalds. She didn't know if she could have resisted. "Uh, sure. How's that class going?"
Percy grimaced.
"That bad, huh?"
"She hates me. Dodds absolutely hates me. I have no idea why… I'm not even that late!"
Annabeth rolled her eyes. "Don't take it personally. Dodds hates everyone."
"Nah, it's different. She really, really hates me."
Annabeth couldn't deny that there was something about Percy that probably really managed to tick Ms. Dodds off. She wasn't known for being the nicest teacher at the school, and Percy had the tendency to come off as… "Well, maybe it's because you're so impertinent."
"Impertinent," Percy repeated back. "A Wise Girl kind of word."
Annabeth blushed. "Don't start with that."
"I should've nicknamed you Dictionary."
"Oh God," Annabeth put her head in her hands as Percy started the car and began driving back. "That's what I got called in elementary school."
"God, I hated elementary school."
"No, elementary school hated you."
"I got in trouble all—the—time."
"Who's fault was that, though?"
"Yours!"
"Well," Percy said with a smug grin, "I am rather impertinent."
Annabeth laughed, her hand drifting away from her stomach to rest on the center console, dangerously close to Percy's arm. "Seems like I'm rubbing off on you."
Percy scoffed.
Moments later they were soaring down the highway, which was empty enough for a late Sunday night. Conversation flowed easily between them, before they settled into a comfortable silence while Annabeth fiddled with the radio.
"Wanna hear something?" Percy asked, his eyes taken off the road for just a moment to glance at her.
"Shoot."
"Did you know that I used to have a crush on you back at camp?"
Annabeth's jaw dropped. She hadn't been expecting him to say that. Her heart fluttered for a moment— could he still? "You did?"
Percy now refused to look at her. His voice was low. "Uh, yeah," he muttered. "I mean, just for like, a summer. The same one where you kissed Lee Fletcher."
Annabeth suddenly found herself wishing that she hadn't told him about that. "Not to sound like a complete jerk, but I really had no idea."
"Besides, it was just for that one summer before you went to San Francisco. Just a silly camp thing."
His words hit Annabeth, and she hoped he didn't notice the change in her tone when she responded. "Oh. Cool."
"I was just thinking about that, all afternoon."
"I really had no idea."
"I didn't tell anyone but Grover. I thought it would fade away eventually, and I was also a dumb middle schooler, so obviously I wasn't going to do anything about it."
Annabeth hated the awkward silence that now stretched between them. "Were you pissed when I went out with Lee?"
Percy laughed. Thank god. "I was mad, yeah."
Annabeth bit her lip. She couldn't comprehend what she had just heard. Percy was passing it off, but he had liked her at one point. Could he still?
She didn't know how that made her feel. The only thing she could detect was some degree of fear. Did she even want Percy to like her?
It would be easier if she didn't. This relationship between them was still tenuous, still so fragile after all the odd arguments they'd been through. It would be easier if they would just stay friends.
And that was what Annabeth wanted, right?
She knew that she was over Luke. That much was obvious. Just thinking about him made her skin crawl. But that had just happened, barely a week before. Was it really smart to jump into liking Percy again?
And he didn't even like her— that much was obvious. He had even made fun of the little crush he had on her. Guys didn't tell you about crushes they used to have on you if they still liked you.
Right?
Annabeth didn't know. She needed to talk to Piper. But at least she knew that she couldn't like Percy— she didn't need the confusion that it would bring. But it still hurt, knowing that he had liked her, but he didn't anymore. What had changed?
They continued driving back, somehow regaining the tone from before. Their topics were varied, and they moved from school to camp and swimming, to books and music. But Annabeth couldn't stop the unease from drifting through her. She just didn't know how to feel.
He pulled the Prius outside of her apartment building and shifted into park, then turned to her. Annabeth was, once again, reminded of how cute he was. Goddamn. Thank god it was dark, so he wouldn't see her blush.
"Thanks for coming, seriously," he said, his voice low. "I'm happy you were there."
Annabeth was almost breathless. "I'm really happy I came too."
He grinned. "And you'll be my date at the wedding? It's in two weeks."
His DATE!?
Annabeth couldn't deny the joy ripping through her. Despite all that she had just thought to herself, the conclusion she had tried to reach (she couldn't like Percy, she couldn't like Percy), it made her so, so happy to hear that he wanted her to be his date.
"Or not date, or whatever," Percy laughed. "Sorry, didn't mean for it to come out quite like that."
Annabeth's entire body froze.
Or not. Cool.
He looked at her, expecting her to joke around, but she couldn't. Instead of looking or speaking she began gathering all her things at lighting speed, wanting nothing more than to be out of the car with the boy who didn't like her. Her bag? Check. Water bottle? Check. The sign?
Annabeth forced herself to look at him. She couldn't deny that it hurt. He looked a little confused, his eyebrows furrowed. "You good?" he asked.
She ignored that. "Do you want the sign?" she nearly bit out.
"Oh, sure! It's a really great sign. Thanks for making it."
Annabeth knew she was being irrationally angry, but she couldn't help it. "Keep it."
Percy was just now starting to notice that something was really, really off. "Uh, thanks. Are you alright?"
Annabeth ignored that too, reaching to open the door. But something stopped her. She couldn't, not just yet. She had one more thing to ask. "Are you inviting anyone else to the wedding?"
Percy thought about it. "Well, Jason is taking Piper. I think Grover will be there too, and a few more people from school and other things. Oh, and Rachel."
Jealousy roared in Annabeth. She sent him a very, very cold look. She knew she shouldn't say it, but she did. "Is she your date?"
Percy still didn't get it. "Uh, no?"
Annabeth just blinked at him. "Bye Percy. Thanks for the ride. I'll see you at school."
She didn't give him a chance to respond, but she saw the confused look on his face and his slightly open mouth. She opened her car door, got out, and slammed it just as quickly, stalking towards the entrance to the building.
Annabeth didn't turn back, but she knew that Percy waited for her to get inside before she drove off. She blinked back tears.
It had been stupid to think that Percy ever would have liked her. It was stupid that she cared so much.
But Annabeth had to admit it to herself: she cared. She cared so much about the old crush he had told her about, the non-date invitation to the wedding.
Annabeth was a logical person. She knew that she didn't just feel things without reasons. She wouldn't care the way she did about all that Percy had said if she had just liked him as a friend.
She couldn't say it out loud, but it left a bitter taste in her mouth anyways. She liked him.
She liked him.
Fuck.
"How was the meet, honey?"
"Good."
"Did Percy swim well?"
"Yeah."
"Was it fun with Piper?"
"Yeah."
"Are you alright?"
"I have homework to do, dad."
"Alright, then. Make sure you get some sleep tonight, honey."
"Sure, dad."
Overnight, all of Annabeth's feelings— however cast out and crazy they were— had developed into something that felt quite a bit like anger. She barely spoke to father or Helen before leaving for school. She barely noticed the bitter winter cold biting her cheeks. She was too busy focusing on the pure nerve of Percy Jackson to confuse her like that.
Annabeth had come to one conclusion: she had begun to feel these annoying ways about Percy because she had been spending time with him. So all she had to do now was not spend time with him.
That proved to be difficult, because her peaceful subway ride was quickly interrupted when Percy got on at her stop and made a beeline for the empty seat right next to her.
Annabeth couldn't exactly stop him from sitting there, so she gave him a quick nod before turning up the music in her headphones. Percy, however, was not content for a quiet subway ride. "Hey."
"Hey."
He hesitated before responding. Annabeth could tell he was confused, unsure of how to deal with her. "Uh, you seemed kind of upset last night. Are you alright?"
Annabeth took one earbud out, turning to him and fixing him with a smile. "Oh, I'm fine."
She stuck the bud back in, leaned back in her seat, and closed her eyes. Annabeth heard Percy mutter something, but she didn't care what he said.
Or at least, she pretended not to care what he said.
"Annabeth Chase, what game are you playing?" Piper slid into her seat next to her for APUSH, whispering furiously while they began copying down their warmup.
Annabeth pretended not to hear her.
"Don't give me that. Why did I have Percy Jackson pestering me all throughout what was supposed to be a peaceful lunch date between me and Jason, asking me if you were mad at him?"
"If Percy wants to know why I'm mad at him he should talk to me himself."
"So you are mad at him!"
"I never said that."
"Yes, you did!"
"Girls," their teacher snapped from the front of the room, gesturing to the whiteboard.
Piper rolled her eyes and lowered her tone, facing forward as she spoke from the corner of her mouth. "What happened? Was it all fine on the ride home last night?"
Annabeth glanced back at Piper. "What was he asking?"
"I'll tell you if you tell me what happened."
"Fine."
Annabeth dropped her pencil, angling slightly towards Piper. "Alright, so we were driving back—"
"Anything you would like to share with the class, Annabeth?" their teacher called from the front.
"Uh, no. Sorry."
"Would you share your warmup, with us, then?"
Annabeth plastered a smile to her face. "Gladly."
It was a Piper's house after school when Annabeth explained everything, even the parts about her "crush" on Percy, which gave Piper a little self-satisfied smirk.
"Wipe that look off your face," Annabeth muttered. "You were right."
"Right about what, exactly, Annie?"
"Don't make me say it."
Piper shrugged. "I'll say it. I was right about you and Percy. Now we just have to get you together—"
"Were you not listening to a word I said? He doesn't like me, Piper. He's not taking me as a date to his mom's wedding. He made that very clear."
"It came across that way, didn't it?"
"Uh-huh. Now you have to tell me what Percy was asking."
Piper shrugged. "It wasn't much. But I see why you're annoyed with him. And poor boy, he has no idea why."
Annabeth's stomach twisted. "Why does he even care? I just tutor him sometimes."
"I don't know exactly how Percy feels about you, but you've known him for years, Beth. That's bound to carry some more weight than just a math tutor."
"I don't think so."
"Have a little faith, won't you?"
"What was he asking you?"
"Well, I was planning on going out with Jason, but then Percy tagged along and kept quizzing me to see if there was anything wrong with you. I didn't get much out of him beyond him saying that you were acting weird on the subway and thinking that you were mad at him."
"Huh."
"I mean, are you? Mad at him?"
"I… don't know. I was this morning. Do you think I have the right to be mad?"
"I mean, it's a little irrational."
"Piper!"
"I'm just telling the truth."
"What are you going to say to Percy?"
"I think I'm the one who should be asking you that. What are you going to do now?"
Annabeth paused, checking her phone. She needed to get home to exercise— something that was especially important today after the burrito from last night. "I don't know."
"Are you going to tell him you like him?"
"No."
"Are you going to tell him why you're angry?"
"No."
"What are you going to do if he talks to you again?"
"No idea."
Piper sighed. "I'm not going to get too involved in this one. You figure it out. No matter what, that boy likes you. I don't know how much or what kind of 'like', but he does."
"He stopped having a crush on me years ago."
Piper's eyes sparkled. "Well, did he say that?"
"No… but he implied it!"
"I'll leave you to draw your own conclusions."
"Piper. I need your help with this one!"
Piper grinned wickedly.
As she descended into the subway station, Annabeth couldn't help but mull over what Piper had said. Was she really being irrational? Did Percy deserve her anger? He certainly didn't understand why.
Her logical side was tired of this. She should just apologize to Percy about being strange and move on. He would forget it even happened and they would continue on like before. But the other part of Annabeth wanted to drag it out. Irrational or not, she was upset Percy didn't want to take her as a date. And she wanted to be upset for at least a little while longer. Even though it was stupid.
Annabeth smiled to herself. It was nice, being irrational.
If you need help, please contact the following:
National Eating Disorders Association Helpline: 1-800-931-2237
(Monday-Thursday 9am-9pm, Friday 9am-5pm. All EST time)
where-do-i-start-0
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hey! I truly do apologize for how long it took to get this chapter out. I had a bunch of stuff going on with school taking up the vast majority of my time, but I'm happy that I got this out:))
This chapter had a lot more dialogue than usual, which I liked. I'm also really enjoying the development of Annabeth, Percy, and Piper's characters. Any favorite character moments from this?
Once again, I love to see reviews!
Emily