CHAPTER 32 - Painful decision

- It's awfully hot! - Oscar complained, jumping gracefully from the horse and handing the reins to Claude who had just appeared at the door of the stables - I do not remember such a hot August. It's good that we have a day off tomorrow. Right, Jerome? - she laughed at the man who landed right next to her.

- That's great! - cried her orderly, grinning at her - I'm taking my fiancée to a dance party at Chaville today. It would be bad if it rained.

- Have fun! - Oscar exclaimed after him, entering the stables.

Jerome had been engaged to Sylvie for two months. Ever since their engagement, he had been proud as a peacock, and spoke of nothing but his future wife. The wedding was planned for mid-September and there was a great liveliness among all the servants. The bride and groom invited every person they knew to the ceremony, including their employers. Oscar decided to attend the service in the church, but planned to avoid the party. She didn't like weddings.

It was pleasantly cool in the stables. Oscar had left a few things behind and was almost making her way out when something caught her attention. There was a horse in one of the stalls that she had never seen, though she could have sworn there was something familiar about it.

- Hello, little one - she greeted the animal, handing him a sugar cube - Where did you get here?

- It's Maxime - she heard her groom's voice behind her back - Monsieur Andre's horse.

- Monsieur Andre? - she swallowed hard - Andre Grandier?

- Yes, yes, him - nodded Claude - He arrived an hour ago.

"Not good" - thought Oscar.

- I'll go now - she said quickly and left.

Oscar was agitated and confused. Why did Andre come for? Should she see him? She wasn't ready for this yet.

So she made a decisive step towards the garden to hide herself. She came out from behind the laurel bushes and froze. In the distance she saw a woman sitting on a bench under the linden tree, and a man standing in front of her. Oscar could see his familiar profile. The man had his hands tightly clasped on his chest and his head was tilted towards the ground. His dark hair spilled over his face, but he made no effort to correct it. The woman in front of him was speaking very quickly, shaking her head and gesturing violently. The distance was too far to hear what they were talking about, but it didn't sound like a pleasant conversation.

...

- How many times do I have to tell you the same thing, Andre? - Rosalie scowled. - You recently got a letter from me, in which I wrote you exactly the same as in the previous three. She hasn't remembered about your relationship, so stop pushing.

- But how can you be sure? - the man looked at her face intensely - Did you ask her about it?

- Don't be stupid! - the girl shouted - Nobody even mentions your name in her presence!

- Great - Andre muttered ironically, crossing his arms over his chest - My grandmother or Mr General?

- Marie only asked us to be gentle with Mademoiselle. Which is kind of funny considering she's tougher than all of us.

- Do you really think this is the right way? To cheat on her? - Andre tried to hide his nervousness

- It's none of my business, Andre - Rosalie shook her head - I'd rather stay away from that. I have a great job that I don't want to lose. General is very sensitive to what is happening with his youngest daughter. Especially when your person is involved.

- I don't understand why General de Jarjayes treats me like this. He hardly knows me!

- Don't be naive, Andre! - the girl snorted - Do you realize who you are? Give up on it all!

- I thought we were friends, Rosalie - the man hung his head sadly - And that at least you would be by my side.

- I'm not on either side - she pouted – If she remembers or not, I just think it's a lost cause anyway.

- If I give up now, I'll never forgive myself - said Andre firmly - I'd like to talk to her at least once and make sure that I really don't have anything to look for here.

- Do what you think is right - Rosalie said, standing up and brushing the dust off the gown - I am telling you this all precisely because I consider myself your friend. I don't want to watch you suffer.

The girl took a step to pass Andre and then saw Oscar standing in the distance.

- Apparently, it can not be avoided - she sighed, giving him a sign to turn around - Please be reasonable - she asked and walked away with a brisk pace.

..

- Good morning, Oscar - Andre said, walking up to her and holding out his hand in greeting.

- Hello.. - she replied hesitantly, giving him her hand, which he shook vigorously.

They had not seen each other since that February afternoon six months earlier. The memory of that meeting was still vivid. And it was not a happy memory.

- How's your health, Oscar? - he asked with concern, looking intently at her face as if to read unspoken words - Are you feeling well?

- Yes, it's all right now - she replied with a slight smile, trying not to meet his eyes - I'm surprised to see you here. Did something happen?

- No, nothing! I just wanted to.. - he broke off, but then added firmly - I just wanted to see you. And talk to you.

- Oh.. - Oscar only managed to choke out, feeling appearing blush. Where had the strict Miss Colonel gone?

- Could I take your time, Oscar? I know you are a very busy person, but maybe you could give me just an hour. I promise I won't do anything stupid - his words were sincere and she just couldn't refuse.

- Okay - she nodded, still trying not to look at him. - Let's take the horses and ride somewhere.

Oscar's head was totally confused. Even though most of her memories were recovered, there was a period of about two or three years from which she could hardly remember anything. She did not remember the birth of Princess Teresa. Neither Fersen's proposal, nor his first departure. She knew these events happened, but even that didn't bring back memories. She didn't remember Andre either. Even though everyone seemed to be remained tight-lipped, she managed to learn a little about Andre's past, his life in Normandy and about horse breeding. Once Rosalie accidentally told her that Oscar met Andre when he once came to Paris. What was later remained a mystery. A conversation with Fersen months ago made it clear to her that their relationship was more than mere acquaintance. However, there was a hole in her memories that had been needlessly filled by the bizarre dream of Andre as a childhood friend. This dream made her unable to see him as a man.

Then, after months passed, she accepted it and didn't want to drill anymore. Her life seemed satisfying enough, and she decided that the past should remain in the past. And now she knew she would have to explain it to him, and that it would hurt him. But she couldn't have done otherwise.

- We've been here before, together - said Andre, jumping off his horse - I remember that pool. It was fall, chilly day and the leaves had a golden hue. It's incomparably more beautiful now - he smiled as he took Cesar's reins from her. He led the two horses to the river where they could walk and graze freely. Oscar sat down on the soft grass and looked at him attentively, fighting her nervousness. - You don't remember it, do you? - he added sadly, sitting down next to her.

She looked at him and shook her head, then looked away.

- I am sorry - she whispered.

- You have nothing to apologize for - he answered warmly - This accident wasn't your fault. You had no influence on it.

- Did you know about this before? That I still don't remember.. - she asked carefully.

- Yes. Rosalie wrote in her letters about it - he sighed heavily.

- Andre.. this is better.. - she said after a moment, putting her hand gently on his shoulder.

Those were not the right words. Andre sprang up abruptly and clenched his fists.

- Better? For whom it is better?! - he shouted with anger and pain - How do you even know that it's better if you don't remember anything?! If only you knew how much..

- Do not say anything! - she interrupted quickly - I don't want to hear it! I don't want to know anything!

He looked at her in disappointment.

- So that's it? That's why you didn't reply to my letter?

- I am sorry, Andre.. It's gone, I haven't even read it.. - she whispered guiltily.

She still remembered the evening she had received his letter a month ago. The day was rainy and cool, so Nanny lit the fireplace. Oscar held the envelope unopened in trembling hands and wondered if she should open it. Some time earlier, she would have opened it without hesitation, out of curiosity. However, at this point in her life, she decided that she no longer wanted to return to the past, she did not want to change anything. She remembered that the paper smoldered slowly, as if it did not want to burn.

- I see.. - he answered silently and sat back down next to her.

The shred of hope that he had kept deep at the bottom of his heart had just disappeared in the echo of her words. He thought he shouldn't have come at all. Rosalie was right about everything. He just hurt and cheated himself.

- Andre - she said firmly - I really don't remember what happened between us. However, you must know it yourself that whatever it was, it was wrong anyway.

- It is quite the opposite of what you told me a long time ago - he whispered in a broken voice.

- I'm sorry.. - she lowered her head. How could she had promised him something so crazy? Had she not realized how great gap separated them? - You know.. - she began after a while, trying to make her voice happier - In the dream I had after the accident, we were friends. The best in the world. We have lived together here since childhood as brother and sister. We were so close to each other. I wish it was possible..

- I can't, Oscar - he replied sadly - I know what you want to tell me and what you're asking me to do, but I just can't.

He should have told her how much he loved her, but the words stuck in his throat. Whatever he said wouldn't change Oscar's heart anymore. A decision he couldn't have made for a long time seemed so obvious now.

- I'm leaving, Oscar, far away - he said simply - You won't have to see me anymore.

- It's not like that, Andre! - she quickly disagreed - Maybe you just need a little more time, we both need it. When the time is right, we'll meet in Normandy. It's not that far, after all.

- I'm not talking about going home - he turned his head and stared far ahead - I'm leaving for America.

- Are you kidding me!? Are you going to war? You're not even a soldier! - she shouted, shocked.

- My friend de Valory invited me to leave. He will be one of the commanders there. They need someone experienced to care of horses in the company. I will also undergo military training. Of course, if need, I will fight - he said flatly.

- What about Nanny? - Oscar grabbed the last resort - Have you thought about what she would feel if you die?

- For now, I don't want to tell my grandma about my departure, and I hope you will also keep a secret. The ship leaves in three weeks. I'll send her a letter when I get there. As far as I know, it's quiet there – he said calmly - And I won't be on the front lines anyway. I'm really not planning to die – he smiled faintly.

Oscar jumped to her feet. It was already beyond her patience.

- What are you talking about, Andre? - she screamed - Death is not something you can plan or not! Do you want to go into the middle of the war? I absolutely forbid you!

- You forbid me!? - Andre stood in front of her and brought his face to hers, close enough that she could see the emerald irises of his eyes - So do something to stop me! Otherwise I will not change my mind.

All she had to do was close her eyes and stick her lips to his. Was it really a problem? It was such a small thing, and it could save two lives. But what then, when Andre realized it was a lie? A simple runway to keep him from leaving. The seconds passed, and she couldn't decide what to do.

- As I thought - Andre sighed in disappointment, stepping back from her. He picked up the reins of Maxime grazing nearby and jumped on its back. - Goodbye, Oscar! I sincerely hope to see you again one day - so saying, he rode away at a full gallop.

- Damn you, Andre! - she managed to shout after him.

She slammed her fist angrily against the tree stump, skinning herself. It was impossible. He couldn't just drive away. Certainly, when he sobered up, he would come back. She just had to wait patiently and he would come back. Safe and sound.