CHAPTER 34 - Stings of remorse

...

Under the sky that is reddening from the setting sun, she holds his hand, the grip of which is getting weaker. She looks at the blue sweatshirt of his uniform jacket, soaked with the carmine of his blood. The stain's red is no longer growing, but Oscar knows it doesn't matter anymore. Andre is dying. She looks into his emerald eyes, shining with love. She hears his sweet voice. He wants to live so much!

Oscar is surprised that his hair is so short. Did he cut them down in America? She stares puzzled at her own blue uniform, identical to Andre's. What does it all mean?

Don't die, Andre! After this we will go to Normandy. We will climb the rock ledge and watch the sunset together.

Andre's hand drops limp and his eyes can no longer see. Oscar feels the rough touch of the stone under her fingers. Hot tears run down her cheeks. Why do you leave me!?

...

- No! - Oscar sat up in bed screaming. She opened her eyes and only then realized where she was. She breathed a sigh of relief. The sight of familiar walls, furniture and appliances calmed her down a little. It was just a dream. The image of Andre dying, clutching her hand, haunted her the third night already. Suddenly, reality hit her like a sword blade. That picture might have been a dream, but the truth was cruel. Andre was dead. Killed somewhere across the ocean by an unknown English soldier.

Oscar dragged herself out of bed reluctantly. Each day was more difficult than the last. If she could at least go to work. Queen, however, asked her to take a little time off because of the weather and to come back after the New Year, and it was really hard to refuse her. If Oscar could even train, she would tire. That, at least, would occupy her unstable mind for a while. However, two weeks earlier, his orderly's wife had given birth to their first child, and Oscar, being a good employer, had given him a month off to enjoy his newborn daughter.

The whole situation was not made better by the fact that the house was full of people. Two of the four Oscar sisters, with their husbands and children, came for Christmas. The third of the sisters was due to arrive any moment. Instead of licking her wounds in peace, Oscar had to fake a cheerful mood, smile and hang out with her brothers-in-law over a glass of cognac. She hated it.

And the saddest of all was Nanny's attitude. After a whole evening and a night of crying, the old lady showed up at work the next day as if nothing had happened. She was competent as always, made no mistakes. Admittedly, she stopped laughing at all, but she was usually a rather serious person anyway, so it wasn't a big change. However, her eyes were red all the time, and for three days she had been wearing black mourning gowns. But that wasn't the worst of it. Whenever she saw Oscar, the older nanny's face tightened and turned into a mask, so that not a single muscle trembled on her face. She used words sparingly, spoke only what she had to, and slipped away at once. Oscar didn't even dare talk to her. Anyway, what would she say to her? Oscar was completely and painfully aware that what had happened was her fault from start to finish. And that Andre's grandma had an absolute right to hate her.

Oscar sat down on the window sill and stared at the garden covered with a white blanket of snow. As much as she did not want to, the image of her dream slipped back into her mind. That night, she noticed a detail that she had missed during the previous two. The uniforms. Why were she and Andre both wearing the blue uniforms? Andre's uniform, if he actually wore it, might have been similar in color, but she never wore anything other than the white and red uniform of the Royal Guards. So where did this dream come from? What was her mind trying to convey to her? That Andre was dead, she already knew. Why was something forced her to worry about it not only during the day but also at night? She remembered the boundless love she had felt in the dream for this man who was dying on a makeshift bed set on the cobblestones of Paris. This love filled her heart and felt so real. Oscar put a hand to her chest. Her heart flapped hard like a bird's wings. Was it possible that this love was real?

A glistening drop appeared at the corner of her eye and ran a narrow trickle down her cheek. What did it matter now if he was dead?

If you hadn't loved me.. If maybe we'd never met ..

Oscar twitched. Why did these words feel so familiar? Shouted out by her own, changed by suffering, voice. Was it part of the dream she no longer remembered?

Weren't these words appallingly true? If she and Andre had never met, he wouldn't have gone to that bloody America and died pointlessly. He would live a quiet life in Normandy. He would have a family and be happy.

It seems that fate can not be deceived - a sad female voice whispered next to her ear.

Oscar leapt to her feet and looked around the room. She was alone. She went to the door, turned the handle, and peered down the hall. There was no one. It was five o'clock in the morning and the whole manor was still sleeping quietly. Oscar dragged herself back to the bed and pulled the quilt over her head. She became cold sitting by the window. She closed her eyes and tried to sleep again.

...

Paris looks so peaceful tonight. Like a sleeping giant, tired from an exhausting journey. Oscar stops, observes the flashing lights reflected in the dark waters of the Seine. She would like to be able to break away from reality even for a while.. The inevitable truth explodes in her mind like a cannonball. Andre is dead! She looks down at her hands soiled with mud, at her blue uniform stained with his blood, and begins to sob uncontrollably. The sobs turn to cough. She wipes her mouth on the top of her sleeve. She sees more blood. It darkens before her eyes. As if through a haze, she sees a figure approaching. The familiar, powerful silhouette of a man is more and more visible. Help me, please..

"Who are you?"

Coughing takes her breath away.

The view changes and in the distance Oscar sees teenage Andre dueling with her near the Jarjayes Manor. The figure changes and his hair is longer. They sit together in the garden in Arras. Andre smiles, his hair blows through the wind, and the ocean roars in the background. Under his feet Oscar can see the white sands of Etretat beach. Andre reaches out to her and helps her climb onto the ledge. They pant heavily and laugh. Andre puts a stone on her hand and kisses her in the rays of the setting sun. The image changes and she fights with him, lying on her bedroom bed. What have you done, Andre? Andre looks at her with tears in his eyes. His hair is short and a long, narrow scar cuts his left eye. The fog grows thick and Oscar sees herself standing in the market square in Etretat. Andre is dancing nearby. His long, dark hair is tied in navy blue tape, and his face is not scarred at all. Andre's face above her. An explosion of pleasure. Andre is riding a horse next to her. Both are wearing the blue uniforms. Oscar sees the bullet tear Andre's heart apart. A letter from Fersen. "I'm sorry, but your friend was among them."

I am sorry - she hears a voice - I'm sorry, I tried to prevent this from happening, but I couldn't. It seems that fate can not be deceived.

...

Oscar jumped out of bed once again. She couldn't catch her breath, her face streaked with tears. "What the hell was that?" - she thought, trying to control her hand shaking. She squeezed her head tightly with her hands. It was certain. She was starting to go crazy. Dreams, reality, she no longer knew what was what. Oscar hung her legs and touched the floor with her bare feet. It was icy. It worked better than pouring cold water. She wanted to forget. She must forget. Otherwise, she would go completely crazy.

…

- Nanny, is any letter for me? - Oscar asked hopefully.

Marie shook her head in disagreement. Oscar noticed that the old lady hadn't even looked at her.

- It's been snowing so hard over the last two weeks that the roads are impassable. Until it warms up, no letter will come - the hostess replied in a voice devoid of emotion.

- You are absolutely right, Nanny! Why didn't I think about it myself! - Oscar said in a happier tone – I need to wait then and maybe.. - she began, but stopped immediately.

Marie looked at her intensely for a moment, then went back to clearing the table. Not for the first time, Oscar had the impression that she no longer found hatred in her eyes. The nanny's eyes were only sad. Is it possible that she has already forgiven her?

- Nanny.. - Oscar began to speak again, but the other interrupted her abruptly.

- Anything else you need, Mademoiselle? If not, I'll go back to the kitchen.

- I'd like to talk to you, nanny - said the woman quietly – and ask for your forgiveness..

Marie looked at her, eyes wide with surprise.

- Forgiveness? - she said puzzled - I have nothing to forgive you after all!

Oscar felt tears in the corners of her eyes. Talking about Andre's death was so hard, but she had to explain it, apologize. She could not live like this, the remorse did not give her peace.

- I am sorry, Nanny.. - she said in a shaky voice, as if not hearing her previous words - It's my fault that Andre left. And only I am guilty of his death. If I had listened to him then, if I had given him a chance to explain. If I had buried my pride deeply and allowed him to bring back my memories. If I hadn't turned him off like a stranger.. Andre would be here with us now. Or in Etretat, and you could visit him soon - Oscar began to sob, hiding her face in her hands - Why did I act so selfish? How could I not keep him!?

Marie looked at the crying woman for a moment, her eyes getting redder and redder. She tried to control herself, but it was not easy. Every thought of a beloved grandson hurt like a knife blade. The thought that she would never see him again deprived her of her will to live, and she no longer knew how she was getting the strength to get out of bed every day. If only she could soothe these remorse..

She walked over to the couch on shaking legs and sat down next to Oscar. She put her arm around her and hugged her.

- It's not your fault, Oscar - she said gently - So I have nothing to forgive you either. Andre left because he decided so. Maybe you could keep him, but could you really live a lie? Could you cheat your own heart? A lie is destructive, it can destroy everything what's beautiful. I.. - her voice broke - I am to blame for the fact that Andre left..

- What are you talking about, Nanny? - Oscar raised her head and looked at her in horror.

- I'm a bad person, Oscar - Marie whispered - I was a coward and cheated on you.. If I.. then, right after the accident.. If I had had enough courage to tell you the truth, Andre might be alive. It seemed to me that by lying I would save both of you. And maybe I saved you, but I lost him..

- Truth? What truth, Nanny? - Oscar asked.

The old lady took her hands in hers and squeezed gently. She looked her straight in the eyes with a sad gaze.

- The truth about how much he loved you - she said softly - About how much you loved him. And how this love changed you for the better. About the happiness I saw on your faces when you looked at each other. Are you okay, Oscar? Oscar!

...

- I am so sorry, Mademoiselle - the man says, and does not release her hand, staring intently at her. - I just lost track of my time driving around. It is a really beautiful area. I hope you will forgive me. - he smiles so that the whole world is filled with light - My name is Andre Grandier, I am the grandson of your hostess Marie Glance.

- I know who you are, Monsieur - Oscar replies, and releases her hand as if the touch of his fingers is burning her skin - My maid Rosalie Lamorielle asked me to look for you. It looks like she was worried about you - Oscar says sarcastically, although in fact her heart is beating as fast as never before.

- Rosalie is a very good person - says Andre gently - So are you, milady, if you wanted to spend your time looking for a stranger.

Something like that happens in novels, right, Andre? Love at first sight. Was that what happened to us?

The stain of blood on his chest grows larger. Andre reaches out to her and falls.

Andre is dead, dead, dead!