If you need help, please contact the following:

National Eating Disorders Association Helpline: 1-800-931-2237

(Monday-Thursday 9am-9pm, Friday 9am-5pm. All EST time)

where-do-i-start-0

SONGS OF THE CHAPTER: PROM QUEEN by BEACH BUNNY, TELESCOPE by CAGE THE ELEPHANT,
and I WANNA GET BETTER by BLEACHERS

Maybe I should try harder
You should lower your beauty standards
I'm no quick-curl barbie
I was never cut out for Prom Queen
If I'm pretty, will you like me?

- PROM QUEEN by BEACH BUNNY

I don't think you understand!
There's nowhere left to turn
Walls keep breaking
Time is like a leaf in the wind
Either it's time well spent
Or time I've wasted
Don't waste it

- TELESCOPE by CAGE THE ELEPHANT

I didn't know I was lonely 'til I saw your face
I wanna get better, better, better, better,
I wanna get better
I didn't know I was broken 'til I wanted to change
I wanna get better, better, better, better,
I wanna get better

- I WANNA GET BETTER by BLEACHERS

"What classes do you have today?"

Even staring down at the table, Annabeth could feel her father's eyes jumping from her face to the food on her plate and back again. Even at 5:30 AM, dressed in pajama pants and a ratty old t-shirt with a cup of steaming coffee in his hand, her dad managed to look uptight.

"Calculus, physics, English, and AP US History," Annabeth muttered, taking another bite of her toaster waffles. She had spread peanut butter over them and added bananas at her father's suggestion. Though she was more than halfway through her portion, he had yet to touch his. She took the next bite the moment she swallowed the previous one, hoping to get away from the table as quickly as possible. Plus, the quicker she ate, the less she thought about it.

Family breakfast had been a suggestion her dad had found on the internet, and he now insisted on carrying it out every single day. Both waking up earlier than Helen, Matthew, and Bobby, Frederick and Annabeth sat together for at least ten or fifteen minutes each morning and ate breakfast together. Or, Frederick sat and watched Annabeth eat breakfast while he tried to think of things to talk about.

Annabeth supposed family breakfast had at least one positive effect, in her dad's eyes at least: Annabeth finished her meal. The nutritionist had recommended three hearty meals, along with several snacks throughout the day, and her father had thrown himself into it with a fervor Annabeth had never seen before. Their cabinets had been completely restocked with peanut butter, granola and protein bars. Now, every night at dinner featured some sort of meat, rice, and green salad, with an extra-large serving for Annnabeth.

With a sudden fervor, Annabeth wished for nothing more than to be out of her father's home. Little of it remained her own: the living room, she was forced to be with the family who didn't need her, who had created a space that she would never share. In the kitchen, she was forced to eat the meals she didn't want, overseen by a father who only showed interest in her when she needed to be fixed. And even her own room felt forever changed, no longer the safe haven it had been in months previous.

Annabeth supposed it started when Percy found the rules, before he said aloud the words Annabeth would never have admitted to herself. Annabeth knew her father was wary every time she was in there alone, even if it was at night. He would knock on the door to catch her exercising at strange times, saying goodnight and goodmorning whenever he could. A week before he had even searched through her stuff.

As her father spoke idly about a class he was teaching, Annabeth finished the last bite of her waffles. "I'm going to get ready," she said, standing up and putting her dishes in the sink.

She didn't need to look at her father to know a worried look was on his face. "Are you sure? You ate pretty fast."

"And I finished," Annabeth said. Besides the brief conversations they'd had about her treatment, she and her father had yet to breach the topic of her eating again. This was the most she'd allowed herself to say about it.

"Well, yes, but the point is that we talk to each other for a little bit. Come and sit down."

"Sorry, I have something to finish at school and I'm taking an earlier train." Annabeth tried to smile as a faint sense of guilt washed over her, but she needed to get out and burn off some of the nervous energy accumulated within her.

Another thing her therapist had insisted upon: Annabeth was to stop exercising. Apparently compulsive exercise was in itself another form of an eating disorder, and Annabeth had been banned from online YouTube videos, going to spin classes, or even yoga. Her only time to get out and move was her walk to and from her apartment to the subway. She savored the moment each day and tried to prevent herself from calculating the calories lost while walking each day in her head, and her father trying to keep her from it? It pissed her off.

"Alright." Frederick leaned back in his chair. "I'll see you tonight."

"Bye Dad."

Annabeth hadn't lied. She did take the earlier train, and had been for over two weeks now. But it wasn't because she had to be at school.

It was because Percy Jackson still took the train after.

The shame Annabeth had felt before he found the rules— minor embarrassment over something she'd said, or trying to figure out how to apologize after an argument— was nothing compared to what coursed through her at the sight of him now. The freedom she'd felt after telling Piper and her father was now gone, and if looking at them was difficult, looking at Percy was near impossible.

The thought that this boy knew so many intimate secrets about her, and had found them out accidentally, horrified Annabeth. Somehow, with him, the guilt was magnified to a point where Annabeth couldn't imagine ever speaking to him again.

How could he know that about her? How could he ever understand? How would he, with his perfect, fat-free, muscular frame, and pretty girls hanging onto his every word, ever understand what it felt like to be insecure? How could he know what it was like to hate every inch of yourself?

To Percy Jackson, the curtain shielding Annabeth Chase from the rest of the world had been ripped off. Annabeth understood that Percy was a good person, but part of her worried that he would see what she felt so insecure about, and think that it was true. Because any boy who had touched her and kissed her the way Percy had had thought about her body.

If Percy had ever thought Annabeth was fat… if he'd ever thought she wasn't pretty… if he'd ever wished she wore different clothes or looked better in them or had a bigger butt… to Annabeth, it suddenly made sense why she'd broken it off with him at Jason and Thalia's apartment. She couldn't take the pressure of being with someone who was one of three people on the planet to know her most intimate secret.

But, that small, insistent voice in her head said, maybe you could be with him one day.

Before, the eating disorder had existed solely within Annabeth. But now that other people knew, it had become real and tangible, and that unknowable idea of "recovery" felt more distant than it ever had.

Annabeth had never realized how great the library was before. At lunch, there were just a few studious freshmen and an assistant teacher lingering at the front door. It was the perfect place for her to try and eat the lunch she'd packed, try and do some homework, and avoid her friends.

Lifting her lunchbox out of her bag, Annabeth couldn't help but cringe at its weight. But before she could open it, someone hissed from around the corner.

"What are you doing in here?"

Annabeth jumped up in surprise, quickly turning around to see Piper's head poking through the history section. "You scared me!"

"Why are you back here?" Piper wrinkled her nose. "It smells terrible."

"It's a library. You need to be quiet," Annabeth narrowed her eyes playfully and motioned for Piper to join her at the table.

"Leo asked me where you were today. So did Percy." Piper stared at Annabeth, who could tell she was trying to gauge some sort of reaction.

Annabeth tried to prevent the reaction from her body at the sound of Percy's name, but her heart leaped a little bit. He had asked? But even then, the thought of being perceived by him, ahead of every other person, left a sour taste in her mouth. "Oh," she said, trying to pass it off casually.

Piper shrugged and settled into a seat. "I kinda see why you like it back here, though. It's so quiet, and swim team boys are so loud."

Somehow, Annabeth knew that Piper understood exactly what she was going through, and was far too tactful to mention it. They hadn't talked about Annabeth's problem for a while now, and Annabeth had no desire to. But Piper's quiet acceptance of where Annabeth went during lunch was enough. Annabeth reached out and squeezed her hand, and Piper squeezed back.

Moments later, Piper put in earphones and leaned down to take a nap. Only when Annabeth saw her eyes close did she pull out her lunch and look inside for the first time that day.

She didn't eat everything in it, but she'd eaten most of it. And that was a start. On her way to APUSH with Piper, Annabeth wondered if she was ready to feel proud of herself for that yet.

"So, how has your week been?"

Annabeth's therapist Joanna sat cross-legged on the couch in front of her. The walls in Joanna's room were covered with interesting tapestries and posters from indie bands Annabeth had never heard of. Though she'd never been to a therapist besides this one, Annabeth supposed Joanna would have been considered a bit unorthodox. She drank tea out of a bright yellow travel mug that always seemed full, encouraged Annabeth to kick off her shoes and lean back, and always played calming music in the background.

Annabeth shifted uncomfortably on the plush purple couch. Despite Joanna's coaxing, she remained sitting stick straight with her hands folded in her lap and her legs crossed.

If my legs aren't crossed they look big.

In their very first session, that was one of the only things Annabeth had said to Joanna when she'd encouraged her to get comfortable. Instead of getting angry or trying to diagnose Annabeth, Joanna had simply nodded. Why do you think that?

Annabeth had been confused. Wasn't it obvious? Didn't Joanna have eyes? Couldn't she see the grotesque bulge of her legs against the couch fabric? But then she thought about it for a moment, and narrowed her eyes. You're trying to get me to say something.

Joanna shook her head. No. I'm not. I just want to know your answer. Why do you think that?

Annabeth didn't have an answer then. She didn't have an answer now.

In response to Joanna's question about her week, Annabeth finally said "It's been okay."

"Have you thought any more about applying to be a counselor at that summer camp?"

Annabeth shook her head. "I don't think that's a good idea."

"Why? You seemed excited last week."

"I was. I just remembered something about it," Annabeth trailed off. Of course, the thing she'd remembered was Percy, who would definitely be there this summer.

"What did you remember?"

Annabeth shifted uncomfortably. "I think it's best if I stay in the city so I can find a job and make money or something."

"But what about camp? I understand the need to stay here, but why don't you want to go there?"

"I wouldn't know anyone."

"I thought you were friends with that one boy."

Last session, Annabeth had briefly mentioned Percy, and the perceptive person Joanna was, she picked up on him instantly. "We aren't really friends anymore."

"Anything in particular happen?"

"No. We just grew apart."

"Wouldn't going to camp be a chance to get to know him again?"

"I guess."

Joanna shrugged. "It's just something to think about. Keep the application open, though. Wanna talk about something else?"

Annabeth nodded.

Joanna reached over to her disorganized desk, grabbing a blue and orange flyer from on top of her laptop. "I was looking into some resources in the Brooklyn area, and I found something that you might be interested in. How does a group therapy session sound?"

Annabeth stared up at the brick building before her. It was just one of the many public libraries in the Brooklyn area. Annabeth had visited places like this thousands of times. But never had it felt so difficult to walk inside one before.

Joanna had thought it would be a good idea to attend an eating support group with other teenagers, and if Joanna thought it was a good idea, so did her dad. The instant Annabeth had mentioned it, his eyes had brightened and he had insisted on her going. He even tried to clear his schedule so he could drop her off and pick her up, which Annabeth had thankfully prevented.

Annabeth was early, of course. She had sprinted from her last class of the day and been one of the very first people to leave Goode as the bell rang. But it was now 3:40, and the group wasn't set to begin for twenty minutes, and all Annabeth had time to do was think about her own anxiety about attending the meeting.

She hadn't wanted to go. Annabeth had gotten very close to arguing about it with Joanna, actually, insisting that she wasn't ready to talk about it with other teenagers. But Joanna swiftly changed the subject, talking about Annabeth's eating plan and her relationship with her mother. Then finally, she asked "What else do you want to do to get better?"

The idea of getting better, Annabeth realized, was something she wanted.

Before Percy found the rules, Annabeth had been unable to describe her problem. She just wanted to be healthy. She just watched what she ate. But when he said the words eating disorder for the first time, Annabeth suddenly understood what she had done to herself, even if she didn't want to.

She didn't want to be the person who had an eating disorder. She couldn't let it cripple her life and her future. She couldn't let it prevent her from making friends, falling in love, and going to college. Suddenly in the therapist's office, Annabeth realized she wanted to get better.

And the tightness in her chest eased.

Looking up at the library, Annabeth had to blink back tears. Even though it was hard, even if she wasn't necessarily ready, she had to do this. It was time to get better.

She laughed a little then, at how dramatic she could be. But even then, Annabeth knew that this dramatic realization had been worth it. She opened the door to the library and stepped inside, making her way towards the private room reserved for the group.

Inside, there was just an older woman and Annabeth. Several chairs had been set up in a circle. Cursing herself for arriving early, Annabeth wondered if it was too late to leave, but then the woman turned and smiled at her. "Come on in! Are you new?"

Annabeth took a nervous step in the room. "Yeah. This is my first meeting."

The woman beamed. "Welcome! I'm Mary-Beth. Everyone else should be here in a moment. Set your backpack down and take a seat."

To say that Annabeth felt shocked was a serious understatement.

Now, sitting in a nearly-full circle of chairs with other teenagers, she knew two other people in the circle.

To Annabeth's right was Hazel Levesque. The gorgeous younger girl in her physics class, whose tiny wrists Annabeth had always been jealous of, something she now felt mortified by. Hazel had offered her a smile and a sweet greeting when she came in, looking happy to see her there. It was almost like they went to the same book club instead of the same eating support group.

Mary-Beth had given Hazel a big hug when she came in and they chatted idly. Had Hazel been coming here for a while? But then Hazel sat down as other teenagers came in, and Annabeth had been grateful that she knew no one else. Mary-Beth waited for just a minute or two after 4 PM to get started, having everyone go around the circle and introduce themselves.

Just as Annabeth was midway through her introduction, Adrian Kouros walked in.

More than anything, Annabeth was surprised she'd remembered his name. Percy's swim meet felt like it had been ages ago, but for some reason the gorgeous swimmer with dark hair and eyes had managed to stick in Annabeth's mind. She remembered the strange conversation they'd had in the parking lot and how angry Percy had seemed. It felt like an entire world away.

She could tell Adrian recognized her by the slight raise of his eyebrows as she introduced himself. He'd hovered on the edge of the circle, unsure as to whether or not he should take a seat. With any other boy it would've seemed awkward, but not with Adrian. Somehow, he made Annabeth feel like she should've been standing instead of sitting, like everyone in the circle was in the set up instead of Adrian himself.

Once Annabeth was done speaking, Mary-Beth leaped up and gestured for Adrian to take a seat. "Welcome! Is this your first time attending?"

He nodded.

"What's your name?"

"Adrian." His eyes scanned the circle once again, lingering on Annabeth for a single second before landing on the floor. There was another reason, Annabeth realized, why Adrian looked so out of place. In the entire circle of nine people, Adrian was the only boy.

Mary-Beth didn't look at all discouraged by Adrian's lackluster response. "Wonderful. Alright, let's continue going around and then we'll move on."

Annabeth didn't participate much. Those who had attended longer, like Hazel, were more comfortable talking about their recovery, as they all called it. Despite Mary-Beth appearing overly-excited at first, Annabeth was impressed with her, even as she refused to answer any of Mary-Beth's questions in a way that would get her to say something too personal.

Though Annabeth listened to the stories of the other people in the group, she spent most of the time trying to figure out what Adrian was doing there. If Annabeth didn't speak much, Adrian was almost entirely silent. He would only answer if addressed directly, often with one or two word responses and refusing to elaborate. She saw him constantly checking the time on his phone and impatiently tapping his foot against the floor.

An hour later, Mary-Beth gave the group another massive smile. "Well, once again, thank you all so much for coming. It was so nice to see some new faces," she waved at Annabeth and Adrian, "and I hope you both return for our next session. Get home safely, and I'll be here to answer any questions."

Adrian nearly leaped up to get out of there, and was the first out the door. Barely realizing what she was doing, Annabeth shot upwards and sprinted after him.

"Wait!"

Adrian was walking fast, but he still turned around. "What?"

Catching up to him, Annabeth suddenly realized she didn't know what to say. Honestly, she didn't even know why she'd chased after him. "I know you."

He snorted.

"No. I do. I saw you at the swim meet. And you recognized me too."

He shrugged. "You were there with Jackson."

Annabeth's heart twisted at the mention of Percy. "Yeah. I… was."

She didn't realize how much she'd emphasized the was until Adrian's eyebrows raised. "Are you guys not together anymore?"

"We weren't ever dating."

"Didn't seem like it. God, he got so annoyed when he saw me talking to you." Adrian smirked. "So, you're single?"

Ah, now Annabeth remembered why Percy hated this guy so much. For all intents and purposes, Adrian Kouros could be an asshole. Nearly regretting her decision to come talk to him, she took a step backwards. "Stop. Why were you at the group?"

The smirk fell instantly off Adrian's face. "Why were you?"

"I didn't…" Annabeth couldn't finish the sentence. She didn't know what she was going to say. Maybe something like I didn't realize boys had eating disorders. But just thinking that made her feel incredibly ignorant, and she kept her mouth shut.

Adrian raised an eyebrow. "You good?"

"Yeah. I'm fine." Annabeth bit her lip nervously. "I'll see you at the next one, I guess."
"I'm not going back."

"Why not?" Even though Annabeth didn't participate, she was happy she'd gone. It was nice to hear from other teenagers, even if she'd known some of them.

Adrian's gaze turned hard. "I don't have the problems they do. My parents are making me go."

"Oh."

He checked his watch. "I'm late for swim practice. Bye." And then he sped off.

Staring after Adrian Kouros' retreating form, Annabeth had a sudden thought: when Percy had first found out, was that how it had felt to talk to her? Annabeth didn't know Adrian Kouros. She didn't know the problems he had with food, or if they were any at all. But something told her that like Annabeth for a very long time, he desperately wanted to stop the words eating disorder from being applied to him.

Annabeth dreaded going into physics the next day. She hadn't realized it at the meeting, but the thought of seeing Hazel terrified her. Here was another person who knew what was going on with Annabeth, even though she barely understood it herself. But all Hazel did was offer her a small smile when she came in and took her seat.

Annabeth knew it was stupid to stress about Hazel telling other people. She was a good person, after all, and had absolutely no reason to spread that around. But that didn't stop Annabeth from calling Hazel's name out as the class ended and asking her for a minute to talk.

Hazel smiled at her, like she knew it was coming. "Yeah, of course. How are you doing?"

Staring at the younger girl, Annabeth realized something that felt very obvious. Hazel wasn't going to mention it unless Annabeth did. Feeling stupid for the thousandth time that week, Annabeth let out a breathy laugh. "Um, sorry. I was just going to ask you not to tell anyone about seeing me yesterday but I realized that was dumb."

Instead of getting angry or something similar, Hazel just smiled. "No, it's okay. I know what you mean."

"I'm sorry."
"Seriously, don't be. At the beginning, I would've been horrified about another person from Goode finding out. But I know you won't tell. And I won't tell anyone, promise."

Relief coursing through her, Annabeth nodded. "Thanks."

"I don't know if you're interested at all in this, but I'm always happy to get coffee with you and talk about it. I know that's a lot of pressure, but I think I would've liked someone to do that with me when I first started recovery."

Surprising herself, Annabeth nodded. "I'd like that. Maybe not right now, but soon."
"Soon," Hazel nodded. "I can give you my number, if you'd like."

"That'd be great," Annabeth said, opening her contacts and adding Hazel's name, before passing over her phone.

When Hazel gave it back, she said "Oh, you got an Instagram notification when I was typing in my number. Just so you know."

"Thanks," Annabeth said. She rarely checked Instagram and hadn't posted in months, so opening the app felt unusual. But she was even more surprised when she saw that Adrian Kouros had requested to follow her.

In the library, Annabeth was working through carrot sticks and hummus and mulling over Adrian's follow request. She'd let him follow her and requested his account back, which had over two thousand followers. The only pictures were him swimming shirtless, which explained the many comments and likes he got from other teenage girls.

"Annabeth?"

Annabeth nearly dropped the carrot stick.

Percy.

She swung her lunchbox shut and shoved it under the table, even though he definitely would have seen it by now. He quickly came into her field of vision, his sea-green eyes drinking her in, though his gaze stayed firmly on her face and didn't wander elsewhere.

Looking at him from afar just wasn't the same. Percy Jackson was meant to be admired up close. Having been apart from him for so long, Annabeth was once again struck with his disturbing similarity to classical Greek sculpture for a teenage boy. Her heartbeat racing, Annabeth's mind began bouncing in a million different directions. She wasn't ready for this conversation.

"Hey," she choked out. He had caught her mid-chew, and Annabeth began to hack as the carrot began to go down her windpipe instead of her esophagus.

"Oh, shit. Sorry for scaring you," Percy said quickly, and suddenly he was back to being the boy that Annabeth saw on the subway in the mornings. "Do you need me to do the Heimlich or something? Because I definitely don't know how to do that."

Coughing down the carrot, and hopefully her embarrassment along with it, Annabeth shook her head. "No, I'm good. I'm honored that you'd try and save me, though. Just went down the wrong tube."

Percy grinned. "Are you kidding me? You're my Wise Girl."

And just like that, they'd slipped into who they were before Percy finding the rules. Part of her anxiety and shame dissipating, Annabeth wanted to be surprised by how easy it had been to joke around with him, but she wasn't. It was her and Percy. Being with him had always been easy. Until it hadn't.

As if they both realized it at the same instant, Percy suddenly straightened up and wiped the smirk off his face. "I hope you don't mind. I asked Piper where you were because I need to tell you something, not because I'm going to, uh, try anything."

Annabeth nodded, almost disappointed. But that recognition of what they'd been? That hurt. "Yeah. Of course."

"So, the deadline to apply to be a counselor is coming up. I talked to Chiron and they'd love to have you there. There are available positions for the girls and I thought you'd like it," Percy said, very quickly. "I don't want to annoy you, I just thought you were interested and I wanted to make sure you knew before it was too late."

Annabeth nodded, hating how businesslike their conversation suddenly felt. "Oh. Yeah, thanks for telling me."

"Do you know if you're going to do it?"

Annabeth bit her lip and looked away from Percy for a moment. She hadn't wanted to. But for some reason, going to that group, talking to Joanna, and out of all things, seeing Adrian, had made her want to get out of the city. "Yeah. I think I am."

Percy's face lit up. "Really?"

Annabeth smiled back at him: a real smile, the first one she'd managed in weeks. "Yeah."

"Oh. Okay, cool. I'll, uh, see you then," Percy said, beginning to walk backwards. "I'll leave you alone."

"You're about to—"

BANG.

By walking backwards and not looking where he was going, Percy had slammed into a bookcase and fallen onto the floor. Annabeth tried not to laugh, but it was impossible, especially when she saw him on the floor, looking a little confused as to how he'd ended up down there. "Ow!" he muttered. "Shit, that hurt!"

"Shhhh!" A librarian came around a corner and glared at Percy. "Language!"

"Oh. Yes, of course, sorry," Percy said, looking a little bashful but sending Annabeth a reproachful look as the librarian went off. "You didn't tell me! You let me walk into the shelf!"

Annabeth shook her head. "You're the one who tried to walk backwards to impress me."

Percy shook his head. "Oh, you think I did it to impress you? That's funny."

"Shhh!" The same librarian came back. "Be quiet, or leave!"

"Sorry," Annabeth and Percy muttered. Once again, having slipped so easily into joking with one another, the moment had been broken.

"I'll see you at camp," Percy said. "I'm really happy you're going."

Annabeth nodded. "Me too. Bye Percy."

"Bye Annabeth."

She watched him retreat, thankfully walking normally this time. Annabeth couldn't deny the small kernel of hope bubbling within her chest as she saw him walk away.

If you need help, please contact the following:

National Eating Disorders Association Helpline: 1-800-931-2237

(Monday-Thursday 9am-9pm, Friday 9am-5pm. All EST time)

where-do-i-start-0

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hello! Once again, a lot to say in this author's note.

1. Sorry for the long wait on this chapter. I really was not planning on it taking that long. Doing research and thinking through the plot has taken up more time than writing the chapter.

2. I kind of went crazy with all the songs I chose. I just couldn't decide and they all hit with different aspects of the chapter... Prom Queen by Beach Bunny is a great song but it can definitely be triggering so listen at your own risk. I love the song Telescope and recommend it for anyone. And finally, I Wanna Get Better really resonates with the end of the chapter.

Alright, that's all the time I have. Thanks for reading, leave a review or PM me if you wanna talk.

Much love,

Emily