Back with another chapter. Sorry I've been so flaky updating, as I said in by the book, mental health first. Speaking of... get the Kleenex ready for this one. Lyrics are from Martina McBride's Love You Through It.
Olivia lay in bed, anxiety coursing through her veins, the kids were at school and Trevor was laying next to her. She heard her phone go off and she groaned. Trevor reached for it and answered it and put it on speaker so Olivia could talk. "Hello?"
The doctor's voice came through the phone. "Olivia, how are you feeling?"
Olivia gave a sarcastic laugh. "Is that a rhetorical question?"
The doctor took a deep breath. "Your labs and scans are back. Olivia, I'm sorry. The lump is cancer, and it's advanced. It's metastasized to the other breast. I want to do at least one round of chemo after the mastectomy, maybe two, just to make sure we killed all the cancer, and that it is curative."
She dropped the phone and burst into tears
The doctor just confirmed her fears
Her husband held it in and held her tight
Olivia was inconsolable, leaning into Trevor. He stayed strong and rubbed her back lightly. "The mastectomy could be curative baby. She wants to do chemo to make sure."
Olivia sobbed. "What if it isn't? What if I need more surgeries? What if I die?"
One Week Later
Olivia lay on the gurney with a pouch cloth hat on her head, covering her hair. She had an IV in her arm and the doctor was marking the surgical sites. She looked up at Trevor. "Promise me, if anything goes wrong in there, that you'll take care of the kids. That you won't let them forget me."
Trevor caressed her face. "Nothing is going to go wrong, Liv. You're going to kick ass in there."
Olivia looked up at him, tears in her eyes. "Promise me."
Trevor kissed her forehead. "I promise."
The doctor chimed in. "You're all marked. And you know, he's right. Nothing is going to go wrong. I do these all the time."
"Tell me." Olivia said. "Tell me what's going to happen one more time."
The doctor nodded. "First we're going to remove your breast tissue, making sure we get the mass with it. Then we'll put in the agreed upon size and material breast implants in. It'll take four to six hours. Of course there are risks, but like I said, I do these all the time. You're going to be fine, Olivia."
Olivia nodded and looked up at Trevor. "I love you. More than words." She smiled. The nurse gave her a dose of Valium to help relax her. She smiled gently and then looked at Trevor. "Kiss me."
Trevor leaned down and kissed her slowly. "I love you," he whispered. When the doctor told his residents and nurses to take her up to the OR, that she'd meet them there, Trevor made sure she hung back long enough to tell her something. "Do not kill her. We have 2 kids. Do not kill her."
The doctor rested a hand on Trevor's shoulder. "She's going to be fine."
3 Days Later
He said, "I know that you're afraid and I am, too
But you'll never be alone, I promise you"
When you're weak, I'll be strong
When you let go, I'll hold on
When you need to cry, I swear
That I'll be there to dry your eyes
When you feel lost and scared to death,
Like you can't take one more step
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I'm gonna love you through it.
Olivia groaned in pain. "What if I die, Trevor? What if the chemo kills me?"
Trevor kissed her forehead. "You're not going to die. I told you, I will jump up and down on your chest if I have to. I won't let you die."
Olivia cried into his neck. "I'm so scared, Trev. So, so scared."
Trevor nodded. "Me too. But you're not fighting this alone. We're in this together. I'm right here through it all." He kissed the side of her head. "Please never forget that."
Olivia wiped her eyes. "I'm going to need you for a lot. But before anything… shave my head? Cancer took my breasts. Yes, I got reconstruction but it took my breasts. I won't let it take my hair too. I'm taking control and it's coming off on my terms."
Trevor couldn't help but smile. "That's my girl." He held her as tightly as he could. "You want to do that now?"
Olivia smiled. "If I could get up to do more than go to the bathroom. My entire body hurts."
Trevor looked at the time. "I know it does, love. But it's time for me to clean your drains."
Olivia gripped his shirt. "Do you still find me sexy, even with my new fake breasts?"
Trevor kissed her gently. "Did I like your breasts? Of course, but I like these too. And seriously I don't think you'll need a bra again if you don't want it. Easy access."
Olivia playfully smacked him. "Trevor!" She chuckled. "Oh, ow. Don't make me laugh."
Trevor kissed her gently. "But that's the first smile I've seen in days." He whispered and kissed her shoulder. "I miss it," he whispered.
Olivia smiled sadly. "I'm sorry, I'm trying. I really am. I just… I don't know how to handle this. The pain, the fear, everything cancer has already and will continue to take from me. I don't think I can do this Trev. I don't think I'm strong enough."
Trevor maneuvered her so he was looking at her. "That's why I'm here. And you Olivia Benson are the single strongest human being I know. Don't count yourself out, don't underestimate yourself."
Now it's forced smiles and baggy shirts
To hide what the cancer took from her
But she just wants to feel like a woman again
She said, "I don't think I can do this anymore"
He took her in his arms and said
"That's what my love is for"
2 Weeks Later
Olivia was finally allowed to raise her arms, the binder was able to be off most of the day, and her drains had come out. Today was her first chemo treatment, but before they left Olivia got Trevor's hair clippers and handed them to him. "Now's the time. I won't let cancer take my hair. I can't have it fall out in the shower, when I brush my hair. Just… shave it all."
Trevor has her sit down and wrapped a towel around her shoulders. "Ready?"
Olivia nodded. "Do it." She heard the clippers turn on and she closed her eyes, feeling them run over her scalp. Once they turned off she ran her hand over her now bare scalp. She stood up and looked at Trevor. "How do I look?" She asked in a shaky, tearful voice.
Trevor walked over to her and wrapped her in his arms. "You are the most stunning woman I've ever seen."
Olivia let out a sob and fell into him. She felt him rub her back. "Let me make sure I look decent before I go get my body pumped with toxins." She walked I to the bedroom and looked at herself, changing into a baggy shirt and putting a bandana on her head. She hated her body right now. She hated that it had turned on her. She hated that the only reason she now had perky breasts was because of the reconstruction. She hated that she now had no hair because one way or another she'd lose it. She walked out of the bedroom and wiped her eyes and forced a smile. "Let's get this over with."
Trevor looked at her and wrapped her in his arms. "I'm right here. Through it all. No matter what okay?"
Olivia nodded. "Even through the puking and sleeping all the time and the being sick that comes with chemo."
Trevor kissed her forehead. "Through all of it. You're going to kick this cancer's ass, and we're going to have a huge blow out party."
Olivia smiled, a genuine smile. "Let's go poison me to kill this cancer." She kissed him gently. "And then come home and hold me."
Trevor took her hand. "Let's go beautiful." He walked out the door with her and off to the chemo center.
27 Hours Later
Olivia was clinging to the toilet throwing up everything she had in her body, and Trevor sat behind her and rubbed her back. "How am I still—" she wretched again and spit into the toilet. "I have nothing left to throw up." She cried, wiping her mouth and nose with toilet paper and flushing the toilet.
Trevor helped her stand up and saw her brush her teeth quickly and he walked back to the bedroom with her. "You want some water? A Gatorade for the electrolytes? Some ginger ale?"
Olivia lay on her pillow. "Do we have pedialyte? If not I'll have a Gatorade."
Trevor kissed her forehead. "I'll check, I'll be right back."
Olivia gave a weak smile and looked up at him. "Thank you." She watched him walk away and closed her eyes, she was exhausted. She felt the bed dip a few moments later and she sat up tentatively, accepting the pedialyte from Trevor and taking a few small sips before putting it on her nightstand. "Hold me?" She asked gently. "While I can get some sleep; while I'm not puking my brains out, just hold me?"
Trevor smiled and made his way over to his side of the bed and wrapped his arms around her. "I've got you. I love you, Olivia."
Olivia settled in his arms and closed her eyes. "I love you, too, Trevor. Thank you for being here with and for me."
Both fell asleep. Thankfully Trevor has an alarm on his phone to pick the kids up and he stirred, looking at his sleeping wife in his arms. He kissed her head and slipped out of bed, putting on his shoes and popping back into the bedroom before he left. "Baby, I need to go pick up the kids, you going to be okay for a little bit while I'm gone?"
Olivia opened her eyes. "Mm, I'll be okay. I promise. Go get our babies." She smiled and kissed him gently. "I'll be here when you get back. I'm tired."
Trevor kissed her forehead. "Rest baby. I'll be back soon." Trevor walked out of the bedroom and grabbed his keys, heading to get the kids from school. He walked home with them when Noah asked a question.
"Daddy, how come Mommy doesn't have anymore hair?"
Trevor stopped for a moment and gathered himself. "How about we all talk about it when we get home?"
Noah shrugged. "Okay."
Trevor breathes a sigh of relief. Olivia would know what to say, she always did. But it dawned on him that maybe that wasn't fair, that when Olivia was fighting the fight of her life he relied on her to help break the news to their kids that mommy was sick and could even die.
They got home and the kids changed into play clothes and then the three went into the bedroom. "Sweetheart?"
Olivia let out a small groan and opened her eyes. "There are my babies. Come here!" She smiled and sat up, wincing in pain.
Trevor helped them up. "Okay, kiddos, be careful with Mommy."
Noah looked up at Trevor. "Can we all talk now?"
Olivia looked at them. "What are we talking about?"
Trevor looked at her. "Noah asked why your hair was gone, I didn't want to have that discussion with the kids alone, I hope you don't mind."
Olivia smiled. "Not at all," she picked Noah up and set him on her lap. "So, kiddos, we need to have a serious talk now, okay." She saw them both nod. "I'm sure you noticed all mama's hair is gone, and that I've been kinda tired lately." She looked at Trevor. "I'm sick. I'm really sick. I have something called cancer. And the treatment for it is called chemo, and it makes me feel even sicker sometimes and it makes people's hair fall out, so I took control and I shaved my head. Well, Daddy shaved my head."
Noah looked up at her. "Are you gonna die?"
Olivia looked at him. "Where did you hear that, sweet boy?"
Noah shrugged. "Ethan's gra'ma died."
Olivia nodded, tears in her eyes. "I hope not, my sweet boy. I really hope not."
Naia came over and snuggled into her mother. "C'I shave my head too?"
Olivia smiled. "If that's what you really want sweet girl. But we won't be able to do your hair anymore for a while."
Naia smiled. "But you can't do yours either. I wanna be just like Mommy!"
Noah piped in. "If Naia gets to shave her 'ead then I want to, too!"
Trevor sat next to them. "If the kids are shaving their heads, I'm shaving mine."
Olivia smiled. "One condition. I want pictures of all of us with shaved heads. We're going to get through this. Together.
I'm gonna love you through it
I'm gonna love you through it
A/N: Thanks for reading! Leave a review, let me know what you think, and I'll see you soon.