Love Struck Delusion

Chapter 289 - Are mind games enough?

Raptor's POV, Three days later.

So much has happened since Archer's passing. So many things I missed as I was crippled in a bed. Even more with the memory loss. I still suffered a bit from it but I had most of myself back in order. Yet I was more depressed than I was wanting to continue.

Hecan was in the process of making a lot of moves. A lot of legal stuff on his end before he could officially start helping me form a military. This also included an official signing of the treaty he already had me sign back in Pakistan. This one I would be signing would just be for show. It would also be my first appearance on live TV now that things were settled. Yet I had issues with it. Most of which were just with myself. I didn't care to talk to anyone. Not even Zeta who was typically all over me. I just didn't have the drive and with things the way they are, all I could think about around the clock was what happened to me in that coma. It haunted almost every waking moment I had and the thoughts about making things better were just starting to get sidelined. What's the point after I sign this treaty? What does the world need me for? Guidance? Hope? Even thoughts of starting again with Zeta were almost out the window for me. She deserved better. Yet I at least still had some goals left to finish before I made my choice on if I wanted to live or die. Starting with money. Money I owe that girl and thanks to Zandro and his operators it was starting to pile up.

For once I was allowed to walk on my own. So I found myself wandering the upper floor of the capital. My head was looking down slightly as I kept a pace matching a snail. I still had some pain in my legs and I wanted to keep it light for now. The building itself was full of people. Many workers and average civilians. A lot of people were back here. A lot less soldiers but that was what Hoffer decided. No point in loading us up until we know what's gonna happen with the formation. Those from the anti-rebellion like Marhick and Freemen were allowed to come back to us without any issues. They earned that and so did the people who fought alongside them during the final battle. G.U.N had a presence but it was only good. No more forcing us around and they were just here to help fill in gaps. Once we get things together and start forming our army will they begin to leave. Hecan had agreed to that term I had. It was just for the better of everyone.

As for Zandro and his PMC, they haven't moved fully over to us either. We're still looking over potential options in terms of where they go and much like our soldiers, they had to wait and we had to plan how we would make the merge without drawing any attention. However Zandro wasn't wasting a minute. If there was one thing that man seemed to be good at it was making moves. He had a bulk of his people already in the middle east. All bringing in contracts and providing me with the money I desperately needed and thanks to the network I'd be more or less rich in a matter of days. Not like it made any difference to me. I had everything I wanted. That money would go to better people. For better causes.

As I walked between groups of friendly faces, it became more and more clear to me that Zeta was right. Everyone looked and reacted to me like I was some goddamn hero. Like I was the president even. I didn't personally have any better terms to label myself so I guess that's that. Regardless I attracted nothing but attention now. Still can't decide if it's all good.

As I walked I kept my focus on getting some fresh air. So I made my way to the roof via a stairwell parked in the corner of the east wing. The second I got out there I was beamed by sunlight and left to look out over the city beyond. For a moment I just took it all in. Then proceeded to lean up against the brick wall that was connected to the door. I shut my eyes for what felt like minutes. Just enjoying the warmth that hit my skin. After I almost felt like falling asleep, I reopened my eyes as I heard someone climbing the stairs. I just looked at the door and waited as a familiar face stopped the second we locked eyes. Caught almost off guard she said to me.

"Scared the shit out of me sir."

Vacus had recovered well ever since I was forced to be in bed. The cat took a second to adjust to the light and the heat as I replied while looking back out at the city.

"Sorry. Didn't mean too."

Coming out slowly, Vacus came around to my other side to pin her back against the wall maybe a foot away from me. I tried to focus on something else, but I still had an ear out as she said to me with a soft tone.

"I saw you come up here. Figured it was a perfect enough time to say this to you."

Gently I opened back up my eyes and looked right till we were matching again. Once there she managed to say it.

"Thank you for what you did with Archer. Incus she….?" Vacus bit her tongue out of sadness from saying the name. Once she had recovered she went on to say.

"It just means a lot….and….what you did for me personally? Not that she wasn't personal. I just don't know what to do to thank you. I never thought I'd speak again. Let alone live to see this day."

"Don't worry about it." I replied as she let out a small sigh towards my quick and simple response. With my eyes going back to the city, I listened as she then asked me.

"I know it's not really my place to ask, but…...is everything okay?"

Vacus wasn't blind to my feelings. However I still wasn't going to bring her into my problems. I was determined so I calmly replied back.

"I'm fine."

The cat came a few feet out from the door to start standing almost directly in front of me. My eyes came back to rest on her after a few seconds. Offering me a concerned look she said with a heavy heart.

"You don't have to lie to me."

"What makes you think I'm lying?" I asked her as she confidently replied back.

"Your eyes. They give it away."

Almost as fast as I heard the answer, I had let out a small chuckle. Vacus smiled once she heard my laugh but pushed more by urging me.

"Just talk to me a little. What's going on? Is something wrong?"

"No." I replied as she lost her smile and watched as I got up off the wall to tell her.

"I just have a lot on my mind right now. From the treaty, to starting this new military, to handling the repair operations in Afghanistan, and so much more Vacus. It's a lot of stress and right now I'm just trying to escape and catch my breath before I have to go back under the water. I'm fine personally, I promise."

It took a few seconds, but the cat began to smile again as I proceeded to make a break for the stairs, but before leaving her up here I had urged her.

"Don't worry about me. We still have so much left to do before we can truly settle down. Or at least I do. You on the other hand should go out and do something different. Something better than trying to talk to me. Okay?"

Still smiling she replied.

"Okay. I can do that. But Raptor? Thank you again."

All I could do was smile back and nod my head. From there I went back downstairs.

An hour later.

"Do you think you'll be ready for the conference?" Hoffer asked me as we stood outside on the border of the training yards. Looking over to him I replied.

"I should be okay. Just limping, but that should go away by then."

Hoffer nodded and together we watched as there were a few people training. One of which was Zeta. Currently doing pull ups and busting her ass to make what I could only see being her personal quota. Hoffer shifted his gaze to her when he noticed that was all I was staring at. With his tone going a bit quieter, he asked me.

"Do you mind if I ask you a personal question Commander?"

"Not at all." I replied as he then asked.

"Zeta? I know you two have a bit of a thing with one another. If you don't mind telling me the truth I'd like to ask. If not, then that's perfectly fine. But I'm curious…...do you plan to take it further with her now that the war is over and we have time to settle down for once?"

Hoffer's question kinda confused me, so I quickly asked him to be sure as to what he meant.

"What do you mean by further? Like marriage?"

Giving me a small shrug he replied.

"Not necessarily. Just…...further? She's a whole other woman when I compare her to Julie or Alicia."

Hoffer was absolutely correct with that assessment. Nodding my head shortly after and looking over to the old man, I asked him a serious question.

"How so?"

Gently laughing Hoffer replied.

"Well….let's see. If my memory serves me, and you can correct me if I'm wrong, but Julie was a stay at home mother and Alicia was an accountant. Zeta? She's young and she's much smarter than I. She's also ex spetsnaz? Quite the handful."

"She's also one hundred percent independent. She wouldn't have any trouble finding work or a place to settle down if I wasn't in her life like I am now."

Hoffer shot me this weird look. In confusion he questioned my last sentence.

"You say that like you won't be."

My eyes shifted back to Zeta who just jumped off the bar. As she took a good drink of water; her eyes caught me and with a small smile she waved and I waved back. However, keeping my tone low, I replied to Hoffer.

"Truth be told Hoffer….I don't know what I plan to do once this treaty is settled and everything gets into place with the military."

"You won't lead?" Hoffer asked as I again shrugged my shoulders to reply.

"I've led my whole life. I'm tired and there are plenty of bright and willing candidates in line to fill my shoes."

"Be that as it may Raptor, what about Zeta?"

Watching as the wolf went back onto the pullup bar, I replied.

"I'm not sure yet. I'm not sure of a lot of things right now, but I don't believe I'm ready for that kind of commitment. Not after everything that's happened."

"Hmmm." Hoffer mumbled as I nodded and continued to watch as Zeta went at it. In time Hoffer patted my shoulder and urged me.

"Well don't think too hard about it. We still have a lot left to worry about."

With the man leaving me to my own devices, I took one more good look at Zeta and turned to start heading back inside. Once there I made my way slowly to my room. Halfway there I ran into Zeta's twin making her way down the main stairs with a pair of earbuds in her ears. She pulled one out to ask me as we crossed paths.

"You plan to join us out there later?"

"Probably not. I have things to tend to."

The wolf quickly put her earbud back in and with that I was left to get to my room without trouble.

"Ahhhhhh." Letting out a small sigh as I shut the door, I proceeded to sit down on my bed and look at the floor with some distraught.

All my eyes could see was my son. My son and that happy look on his face. Every memory from that coma stayed with me and I haven't had a moment where I wasn't questioning my life decisions. A moment where I wasn't sad or feeling depressed. This kind of time brought back only nightmares from my past. Nothing good. Nothing that made me feel better. The urges were coming back to me. Urges to hurt myself and urges to just give up. Which seemed perfectly reasonable now that the war was over. It was enough to convince me to stand up from this bed and go to my nightstand where I had my knife and my Glock sitting. My hand went for the Glock but stopped halfway. It took but a moment for me to switch and grab the knife. With it in my hand, I sat down right where I was and looked over the steel.

Truth be told I wanted to die. I had no idea what happened to Marcus or his talk of making me a god, but with him nowhere to be found and all these thoughts in my head about what could have been. I was unsure of myself and my ability to push my mental condition much further. I've done everything there is to do with my life and if you ask me, I think that's about enough to retire happy.

It took very little in the way of effort to start cutting my hand up. I just dragged over the back side of my knuckles. Just enough to see some blood. Just enough to feel some sting come from it.

Taking very long and very deep breaths, I shut my eyes and asked myself.

"What more was left to do before I could convince myself to pick up that gun over there?"

Not much. I had to do these few public appearances alongside Hecan so that the people of the middle east would know our freedom is official. I had to make sure Zandro and his men stayed in line, even if I was gone from the picture. Thankfully that one was easy enough to deal with.

Then came my personal goals. Like making sure Zeta and her sister could live happily ever after. With no fear involved. Above all else, I needed to make sure they were safe.

Starting to drag the knife along the inside of my palm, I then thought of my last need before departing.

I wanted to visit Shadow's grave. Just one last time. I needed to make amends and I wanted to thank him. For all the strength he's given me and for what happened between me and Archer. I was still unsure if that was really him that night. It could have been the wind that pushed the gun my way. I don't know. It doesn't make any sense why he would help. Or why he even would care. But regardless it was something to think about and something deeply important that I do. After? Well after I'd just like to pick a place and a time. Draw as little attention as possible and make sure when I do it; that it's done clean.

With my blood clutched in my hand, I took another deep breath and fell into my own drift.

"Vrrrrrr…..vrrrrrrrr….vrrrrrrrr…?" Reopening my eyes, I looked down to my lap and reached into my pocket as I felt my phone vibrating my legs. When I got it into my hands, I saw it was Hecan's number. Putting down my knife I answered.

"Yeah?"

"How are you feeling?" He asked me back kindly as I looked back to my bloody hand. Putting it down on my right leg, I replied.

"I'm good. What's up? I wasn't expecting a call from you till the weekend."

"That's because this can't wait." He stated as I carefully questioned.

"Something bad?"

"Guess that all depends on how we look at things."

Closing the hand that was bleeding, I leaned forward to listen as he went on to say to me.

"You saved my life Raptor. Saved my nation from surely what would have been one of the lowest points we could have ever hoped to be in. And I'm not just saying this. What happened with Archer and what happened with my capture; was made declassified to the public. I came clean with the situation. You were in that coma for most of it, but most of the world believes you are a hero. For saving me, for killing Archer, and for just being that figure of hope someone young can aspire to be."

"I'm no role model sir." I told him with a small chuckle as he quickly replied.

"With all due respect Raptor, what you think about that doesn't matter. It's just a fact. You can't unburden yourself of the good you've done for both your people and mine and you deserve so much more than you currently have. Mainly from myself."

Hecan's tone shifted with that last sentence. I grew concerned. I heard him sigh on his end then he proceeded to ask me with all seriousness.

"Do you still want closure?"

My eyes widened. I knew what he meant and not for a moment was I expecting him to ever come back to me with this kind of opportunity. My body began to shake as my emotion came back with the thoughts of it. Yet I slowed myself as I felt almost bad if I said yes. Hecan however, went on to say to me.

"During my time with Archer, Drake overheard some things. Things he hasn't addressed to me yet. I wondered why, but he came to me a few weeks back and said he did wish to discuss it between the three of us."

"Is that a problem?" I asked him as he calmly replied.

"To some degree. Drake can put two and two together. He probably already has. He'll have questions. Like how we first got into contact, how you met me, how and why I had you sign that first contract without his prior knowledge of the situation at hand, and most importantly he'll probably want to know why he wasn't at all involved from the beginning."

"For good fucking reason." I stated as he quickly shouted.

"I'm aware of the reasons Raptor! Before Gorgon, Drake was a man living on borrowed time. I could have had him thrown in jail with those scumbags for the rest of their lives for what they did to Ash Lore and the middle east. Only reason I didn't was because they were the most useful group G.U.N had to offer. They got a lot of bad things done and this was before you made contact with me. If I would have known your level of corporation as the rebellion's leader, I wouldn't have allowed them to aid Drake in his plans to detrone you. But as we can both agree, the beginning of the war probably planned to end with one of you two dead. Never once did we consider working together and be that as it is, I would have gladly watched it happen. Even if you died by Drake's hand, I still would have worked to have gotten to where we are right now and one way or the other Raptor, the middle east would have been free."

"Let me ask you something Hecan since we're being honest. What would have happened if I didn't start attacking your men? What would have happened if I had just stopped and allowed Shadow's old treaty to get voided?"

Hecan took a few moments to think about that. It was only after I began to shake again did he tell me truthfully.

"That treaty I had you sign? I would have brought it into the country within a few days and I would have ran it by the rebellion. At the time that would have been General Hannon and Archer and chances are they would have been able to see sense given their options at that time."

I couldn't fucking believe it. My voice had been chopped in two as he went on to tell me.

"The middle east never wanted G.U.N rules to dictate their living. I'd have seeked someone who could lead the three countries and hopefully bring about the corporation I needed for said treaty to work. As for who I had in mind at the time, it should come as no surprise that I would have asked your friends for their opinions. Hannon might have taken the job, Archer probably wouldn't due to it being more of a political job, and if for some reason neither of them wanted to take the position I most likely would have come to you. There is no one else in the middle east that can compete and or match the man you are and the story you've molded for yourself? A war hero and Shadow's second. A very easy choice."

I couldn't speak. My mind was shattered as Hecan himself had gone silent. For a moment I lowered my phone to begin shedding tears of anger. Hecan must have heard me because he quickly asked in a concerned voice.

"Raptor? What's wrong?"

My breathing was skyrocketing. I couldn't contain my anger. With the hand that held my phone I began to squeeze it. I squeezed so hard I heard the screen crack. A second after I replied.

"Nothing. Drake? What about Drake?"

Hecan wasn't going to push me further into talking about my emotions. So he shifted his focus and replied.

"Drake isn't dumb. He has to have ideas as to how it happened and what things we've done. The most dangerous of the information is how we managed to capture Gorgon."

"So he knows about the power plant." I said to myself as I stood up and approached my bathroom door.

Kicking the bottom of the door open with my right boot, I leveled myself with the sink and looked into the mirror to see that my eyes were red and when I looked back down to my hand I saw the wound closing. I knew I didn't have the powers Marcus gave me, so this only meant one other thing could be happening. Cody was fucking right. I'm a perfect user. Yet this energy that drove it out of me was all negative and full of rage. I wanted to kill someone. With Hecan still on the line I switched him to speaker and put the phone down next to me on the sink.

"That information can cripple both of us."

"He has no evidence." I replied as he quickly informed me of some G.U.N regulations shortly after.

"He doesn't need any. A man of his rank can have any number of people investigated. Even me. I'm not excluded from that bunch. If there is something of that caliber on the table and he goes to the right people, those people will come down on me with everything they have in hopes of finding evidence that can link me in the deaths of a few hundred innocent people. Much like your people, there are those wanting to see me dethroned. And that can't happen."

Lowering my head till I was looking back at my hand, I took a moment to understand what he was telling me. During which time he asked me.

"This can end badly for both of us and originally I wanted to do this kind of thing alone when I first thought about it. But again…...you did save my life. You can say no still. Drake is a good man. He's got a family and he loves his country. Yet none of that matters when it comes to world peace. So I ask you one last time Raptor….do you still want closure for the things that have been done to you?"

With my mind set to only one mode, I looked back up into the mirror and into my red eyes to reply.

"Yes."

mT Shadow.