Day 5
Angst
Part II - Continuation of Day 5, Part I
When they arrived, it was well beyond midnight.
Kakashi, Icha Icha book open on one side of his desk, a stack of paperwork on the other, didn't bother looking up as they materialized in front of him. "Well done. Leave the report on Naruto's desk." Owl, always the more obedient in this ANBU team, went off to the side, carefully tucking the scroll in the middle of the clutter of paperwork and old cups of ramen. The Rokudaime looked up, meeting Hawk's eye. "The mission went well, I assume. Any issues I should know about?"
Hawk, who had been through this routine far too many times to feel any particular way about Kakashi's craftiness, said only, "No." The report would always say otherwise.
"Great. You're dismissed."
"Hai, Hokage-sama." Owl said with a bow, just as Hawk demanded, "When is the next mission?"
Kakashi gave them a strange smile. "Patience, patience. I'm still looking into a possible case."
"Send us."
"In time." Kakashi retorted, flipping open another stack of paperwork. "Your enthusiasm is appreciated, Hawk. In the meantime, get some rest. Watch a movie. Go on a date. As for you, Owl, I have something else lined up. Report back tomorrow, around noon."
Owl, who knew this would not sit well with her partner, stammered nervously, "H-Hai, Hokage-sama."
"Great. Now get out of my office."
Two silhouettes flew across Konoha, cutting across rooftops, skimming along power cables, before landing silently near a now-empty street corner.
"Rest easy, Hawk-san. I will see you la-"
"You're going on a mission tomorrow."
Owl paused, glancing around them to make sure they were indeed alone. "Yes."
"If anything happens, send word."
She wisely did not commit to an answer. "It's a standard mission, most likely with Stag or Moth. Not one of ours."
Hawk didn't care if it was a standard mission. So long as it involved Owl, there was no telling what Kakashi had up his sleeve. Since their first mission together, a few months ago, it was obvious why they had been paired up. Black ops entailed many different types of specialties, which required many different types of shinobi.
What Hawk and Owl had in common went beyond skills and specialties. This elite ANBU duo were capable of toppling over regimes. Where the Rokudaime sniffed political distress, he sent his best. Something as innocent as extra security for a noble child's birthday party could reveal international political schisms that threatened the global peace they had finally achieved after the war.
It was genius, Hawk would admit. There was no better team. Kakashi never confirmed his suspicions on why he had paired them up, but Naruto had once revealed it to him in one of his half-drunken rants at the bar. .
"Don't get the wrong idea ya fucking bastard. You two-you two aren't some sort of dream team. Okay?! Kakashi-sensei didn't put you together cuz you go so well together, you're not fucking compatible, you're not anything. You both just come from shitty ass families." He belched loudly here and turned solemn. "And I'm making good on my promises. What happened to you...what happened to Hinata...that's never gonna happen again. Not while I'm around. Not when I'm Hokage."
Both were once heirs to powerful families. Power corrupts. This time, they would be there to stop it. The Uchiha massacre, the Hyuga affair, coups, curse seals, kidnappings, ransoms, murders-it wouldn't happen again. They would make sure of it.
In this sense, Hawk had come to appreciate Owl. It was true what they had said about her. She saw things even he couldn't. Whereas Hawk was prepared to do what was necessary, Owl always did what was right.
In other senses, Uchiha Sasuke had come to appreciate Hyuga Hinata. When they weren't Hawk and Owl, travelling across countries, sleeping in bushes, spying on the most powerful people on the planet-they could drink tea and watch the sunrise. There was no tension. There were no motives. There were no expectations. There were no unspoken words, because neither had anything to say.
Hawk decided to drop it. They would have another mission soon. He would just have to wait. "Fine."
Slightly ducking her head, in familiar Hyuga Hinata style, Owl smiled under her mask. "Good night."
He paused, the words feeling foreign on his tongue. It was rare if he ever wished anybody a good anything. "Good night."
In the next second, both vanished from sight.
Sasuke hated bars.
Naruto only liked this one in particular.
Both just wanted a drink.
"I'm beat." Naruto murmured gruffly, elbows lodged against the counter, holding up his head. "If I'm not doing all of Kakashi-sensei's busy work, he's sending me around on these stupid diplomatic visits."
Sasuke sipped from his beer. He never thought he would develop a taste for drinking. "Where?"
"Iwa." He yawned loudly here and then helped himself to the complementary bowl of peanuts. "So damn boring." They were silent for a bit, both thinking to themselves. Sasuke almost reached for a peanut himself before thinking of all the grubby hands that touched that bowl. "Hinata was there." Naruto said quietly. "With Shikamaru."
Sasuke looked over at him, now giving his full attention. "What were they doing?"
He smiled cruelly. "Heh, Sasuke, you know I can't tell you that."
Somewhat irritated, but used to the way Naruto liked to dangle top-secret information in front of him, Sasuke rolled his eyes and finished his beer. "When do they come back?"
"I dunno. Probably end of the week. Kakashi-sensei's been planning something for you guys. Off the books."
"Do you know about it?"
"Duh." Naruto ordered another round for them both. "So. You have three more days off. Any plans?"
Sometimes, he couldn't tell if Naruto was being serious or more of an asshole than he let on. "No."
"Shame."
Sasuke decided on the latter. "And you do."
Naruto grinned smugly. "Yeah. A date."
Sasuke's skin prickled. His chest felt heavy with the weight of this new information. And for some reason, he could think only of Hinata. "With who?"
"You don't know her." Naruto belched into his sleeve.
"Is she from the village?"
"Yeah."
"What does she do?"
"I don't know. Look, she's cute, she asked me out, we're just going to grab dinner. What's with all the questions? What does it matter?" Naruto grumbled irritably. Sasuke didn't bother responding. It didn't matter. At least, not to him.
He wondered if it would hurt her. In the few months they spent together as partners, they didn't speak much of their romantic lives. Sore topics for the both of them. But even if they did, even if Sasuke told her what her precious hero Naruto was up to, what would she say? Nothing. Sasuke knew her. She'd say it was great. She'd say she was happy for him.
Sasuke had no room to judge. He knew that. He had his own unfinished business. He knew he was avoiding Sakura the way Naruto dreaded seeing Hinata.
But it was different. Sasuke stayed away for her sake. Naruto stayed away for his.
The sooner both women realized that, the better.
Sasuke finished off his beer.
On slow days, they walked home.
Masks off, in their civilian gear.
A mission that Kakashi had allotted a week to finish was completed in three days. They saw no reason to rush home. And besides, Kiri was pleasant in the summer. They trailed slowly along the path, Sasuke a few paces ahead. Hinata had a tendency to pause when she rummaged in her bag or took a drink out of her canteen. He was enough of an asshole to continue on without her, but courteous enough to slow their already leisurely pace.
He tilted his head up, face warmed by the afternoon sun, as the sky slowly turned pink.
"Sasuke-san," Hinata called from behind. "Do you mind if we stop for a bit?"
He slowed, looking back at her over his shoulder, and then to where her stare was focused. The lake. A small lonely pier sat on the edge, secluded.
When they sat down on it, their thighs almost touched. Hinata was careful to put distance between them, reminding Sasuke why he agreed to her requests so easily. Both slipped off their sandals, stacking them to the side and letting their feet dangle over the edge.
Hinata loved water. Touching it, staring at it. Mostly, she liked to dip her feet in.
Sasuke breathed in deeply. The air was cool and crisp.
"When Naruto-kun becomes Hokage, do you think he will keep sending us on these missions?"
Sasuke almost frowned. He hadn't ever thought of it before. "Why?"
She lifted her shoulders in a slight shrug. "I was thinking...Kiri is very beautiful. I might like to stay here. Grow old here." She watched the water wistfully, eyes shining, and he stared into his lap. He wanted to ask a stupid question. If they had been in Konoha, he wouldn't have bothered. But they were in Kiri, no one was around, and he knew she wouldn't get the wrong idea.
"Do you plan on growing old with someone here?"
Hinata straightened, looking curiously at him, clearly startled. She took a few seconds to answer. "I...hadn't really thought about it." She hooked a long strand of hair behind her ear, and now she was the one staring into her lap. Ashamed.
Sasuke thought of Naruto at the bar and his smug grin. The next words came easier. "You could." Hinata didn't argue it, but he saw the way her eyes lowered. The way her lips twisted into a cruel smile. Like a badly timed joke. He wondered if that was still how she saw herself.
She took a breath, bangs falling into her pearlescent eyes. "What's the point?" Falling silent, she stared at the water, watching the ripples she made as she swayed her ankle.
"Is it Naruto?" The anticipation he held for her response surprised him. And the amount of restraint it took to keep himself from mentioning Naruto's date. He still didn't understand why he was eager for her to find out. Perhaps he really was a monster. Was it simply the look on her face he was after? Did he still get his high on other people's misery? Sasuke shouldn't have cared. Hinata's feelings for his best friend should have been the last thing on his mind. But they weren't.
"No." She said quietly. Sasuke watched the water, the shimmer of the sun's reflection, and tried not to notice the way his whole body relaxed and tensed all at once. Relieved, and suddenly on edge. His breathing became mechanical. He felt strange.
"Somebody else, then?" Hearing those words, in his voice, in his tone, and still not able to recognize himself in it was daunting. He should just shut the fuck up already. Leave it alone. Get up and go back to the village and wait for the next mission.
Hinata's hand tensed on her lap. "Somebody else…" She repeated slowly, like she was testing them out. "There'll never be somebody else." Pausing here, Hinata wrung her wrist, a physical toll of speaking her feelings aloud, something he had come to learn was deeply shameful for her. Now she stared pensively at the water, the orange tinted skies. "Not in Konoha. At least nobody knows me in Kiri. I don't need a mask in Kiri."
Silence dwelled heavily between them. Sasuke's dark eyes lowered to the glittering water, watching the ripples. "Konoha. Kiri. Does it matter?" He didn't need to look at her to see the way she stiffened. "You were alone even when you were with him and you'll be alone no matter who you grow old with." Sasuke turned and looked at her, waiting until she turned stoically to meet his blank stare. Her eyes looked different in this light. Deeper, and so reflective he could see colors he'd never admit to noticing. And the way they focused on him, hardened with suspicion, equally distrustful and undeniably open to him all at once. "You'll always be alone, and so will I." He spoke from experience. Nobody knew loneliness like Sasuke because nobody had chased it like he had. Embraced it like he had. Worn it like a cloak and used it for warmth. Except maybe for the girl besides him, who banished her feelings like they were a disease. Who kept companions, who had a family, who got the guy she had sought after her entire life-and had it all turn to shit. The loneliness made her take up the mask, if only to give it a different name. Maybe that same loneliness could make her turn to something else. "But it gets tiring. Boring." He acknowledged evenly. "You want good company, and so do I."
Hinata reacted the way he knew she would. She turned back to the water and stared at the darkening skyline as if he had never spoken.
Sasuke and Hinata sat at the pier until night had finally fallen. Silence had long since consumed them both, and yet their conversation wasn't nearly finished. Hinata slipped her sandals on, waiting for Sasuke to do the same before standing and heading back to the main road.
This time, they walked together.
Loneliness had a way of bringing people together. People who had no business with each other, people that had always walked in sync but kept their distance.
Sasuke tilted his head back and sighed.
Hinata was right.
Kiri was beautiful.
Long stalks of grass swayed with the passing breeze.
Sasuke, arms crossed underneath his head, stared up at the night sky. Hinata lay besides him, an arm draped over her chest, the other curled between them. He listened to her steady breathing and wondered at the weightlessness he felt.
Maybe it was the meadow they were in, and the sweet smell of summer grass and fresh clover. Maybe it was the feeling of another body so close to his and not having to force himself to ignore the warmth. Maybe it was because being alone had never felt so satisfying.
He turned his head and glanced at her, expecting to see her fast asleep and meeting her relaxed gaze instead. This time, neither looked away. A long moment passed in comfortable silence until drowsiness finally caught up.
Another month passed like that.
On the outside, nothing had changed. Missions continued. Partners in their masks, strangers without them. Landing in Kakashi's office after weeks in the other world was like a spray of cold water. Standing next to her, looking in any direction but her's, ignoring Kakashi's curious stare-like this was normal. LIke this was how it was supposed to be. This was supposed to be his home, and his home was nothing more than crowded streets and a dark empty room. His home felt more like a crack in the wall, where he would hide away and try to forget his existence until the next mission.
Because when he was out there, seeing the world, pausing for the first time in his life to wade in the shores and lay out in the grass, for no reason at all but to be her companion, to feel her press against him, if only for a moment-it was nothing he could have ever expected. It was a light he never knew could even exist, a warmth that could reach even the blackest pits, the darkest minds.
Sasuke would never forget his time in custody, his body locked in place for endless hours of mind-numbing exhaustion. His eyes-his strength, his pride, the only thing he had left of those few years of happiness-his eyes had been sealed away, hidden and weakened by thick straps of chakra-repressing bindings. Fed through a tube, his hands cuffed beneath him, like he would slaughter the staff if given the chance. Maybe you'll make use of this time, they'd say to him, to think about everything you've done.
He didn't even know how long he had stayed in that near vegetative state. It could have been weeks. Months. Days blurred together. The feeling in his body, the feeling in his senses, in everything, had flatlined to nothing more than cold numbness. His life felt like one breath away from nothing, could his death really be so different?
All he remembered from that blur of darkness was the voices. His friend and his teacher, their promises to get him out and take him home. Even after he had been released, the numbness didn't go away. The feeling never came back. The darkness had become his home.
He looked up in the direction she ran off in, her room in the Hyuga compound, the gates of the village coming in sight.
The darkness was still his home but other places were starting to look better.
She kissed him for the first time when they were in Suna.
It had been innocent. A day of travelling, kicking up sand, walking along the dunes in the dead of night. He remembered thinking that he had never seen so many stars. For the first time, he could see the shapes, trace the lines of constellations, see the milky glow of galaxies far, far away. He had glanced besides him and watched her as she swayed around him, both wrapped in their bindings and heavy cloaks, her hair wrapped in a scarf, their cowls up to their noses to keep the sand out. In a bundle of wrappings, her pale eyes were like jewels to him, like the stars in a sea of black. And she had looked at him like she could see it in him too, like he had stars in his eyes, when he knew they were nothing but empty black.
She had pulled the cowl down, loosening her wrappings, her lips a splash of pink against pale snowy skin. "Sasuke-san, do you remember when Iruka-sensei taught us how to navigate using the stars?" He noted the cloudiness in her gaze, the almost sleepy smile, and recognized her far-off voice. Sometimes, he felt it too, the weightlessness of a moment that felt more like a dream. Too peaceful and intoxicating to be real.
He felt them a lot, actually.
He had scoffed. "Pull your scarf up, it gets windy at night."
Hinata blinked in surprise and felt for her head, searching for the ends of the scarf she had painstakingly wrapped back at the inn, but it was already too late. A gust of wind knocked into them both, and then another, and another, from multiple directions. They both straightened, shouldering against the wind, and he watched with squinted eyes as her scarf loosened and flew off, her long dark hair unraveling and blowing madly around them.
At last, the winds died down.
Sasuke lowered his arm, opening his eyes, and found her staring up at him, her cheeks dusted with sand, her hair twisted around her, so in shock he couldn't help his smirk. Her eyes watered and she turned around to spit out the sand that had taken advantage of her surprised shriek. He hadn't even realized he was laughing when he had pulled her to him, not noticing her widening eyes when he tugged off his protective headband and smoothed it over her hair, pulling her cowl up her neck, to her chin, to her lips…
He had paused then, still holding on to her, and the desert was so calm and quiet, so peaceful and isolated-it was just them two.
Hinata had reached forward, tilted her head up, and gently pressed her lips to his. His body locked in place, eyes closing as he felt her back away from him, and he could feel a part inside of him reach out, chasing the warmth again, looking for her touch, and before he knew it he had bent down and kissed her too. Softly. Slowly. Because he didn't know what he was doing but he knew it felt right.
It felt like being trapped in a hell of vast empty darkness and seeing it light up with stars.
His life had tipped in another direction after that.
For the first time ever, missions were on the backburner, because he only had one thing on his mind when they were deployed together. Alone. No one to see, no one to hear, no one to reveal a side of him he would never admit existed.
"Sasuke-san," She whispered quietly, her hand bunching on his shirt, gasping as his lips moved against hers. "Mmm-stop."
He backed off easily enough. "Why?"
She glared up at him, brushing her hair back in place, getting her breathing under control as she pretended to be mad at him. "W-We were supposed to arrive hours ago. We can't keep him waiting, he'll get suspicious." Sasuke scoffed. Like he cared if Kakashi had to sit in his comfortable office chair and wait a few more hours for their mission report.
"Fine." He grumbled, backing away from the tree he had cornered her against. They pulled up their masks and continued their earlier pace, avoiding each other's eyes, knowing it wouldn't take much to slow down-just for one minute-just to get a drink…
Hinata sprinted ahead of him, leaping into the trees, and Sasuke stared after her with a deep frown. Their returning trips to Konoha had quickly become his most detested occasion; he was never in a hurry to get back, so why the hell was she running towards the village like her life depended on it? Nevertheless, he sprinted after her. It wouldn't look right if they showed up apart anyways.
Their mission report had gone as usual, the bleakness of home life returning, the emptiness of his apartment waiting for him. He had barely rounded the corner when Hinata had tugged on his sleeve. Quickly, he looked around, searching for any wandering eyes, but it was just them. He turned to her. "What?" He said as evenly as possible, with effort to keep his earlier annoyance with her out of it.
"Do you want tea?" She looked up at him timidly, her voice quiet. Strained. Like she was nervous of his answer.
His head cocked back. Tea? At this hour? "The shops are closed."
She shook her head. "No, I… I'd make the tea." He continued staring at her, not understanding. "Um… your... place?"
"My apartment?"
She nodded.
Sasuke kept still for a moment. They never interacted in the village. Not when they were strangers, not when they became reluctant partners, not even when they had started hooking up in their down time during missions. Her interest in being with him now was startling. He had gotten used to keeping his distance here.
Hinata pressed her lips together, a nervous habit from her childhood, and he watched those lips he was so familiar with for a moment too long. He grabbed her hand, giving her a moment to ready herself, and they quickly materialized out of sight.
The tea always went cold.
He didn't mind. He would still drink it after.
The two of them sat together on the bed, sipping quietly from their cups.
"What are you doing tomorrow?" She asked. He looked down into his tea. It was his day off tomorrow. He never did anything. He shrugged. "You don't have any plans?" He didn't bother answering. Wasn't it common knowledge that he had no social life? She hummed contemplatively. "Shino-kun invited me to lunch. Maybe… " She paused here and Sasuke willed her to stop. "Why don't you come with us?" He couldn't stop the scowl that twisted his lips. He couldn't think of anything more nauseating than sitting in a booth with Hinata and Aburame Shino. Another scenario injected Inuzuka Kiba and his dog, Sasuke cramped between them, and his frown deepened. Nothing about that seemed right. "You don't have to, I was just… offering… " She trailed off quietly.
Hinata left soon after that and Sasuke had never felt so relieved.
He hated it when she did that.
When she tried to make it normal.
But that didn't mean he wanted her to stop coming back.
He tugged at her arm, leading her to the direction his apartment was in, moving quickly so that no one could spot them. Their mission had been shorter, a mere few days, and it simply would not be enough to hold him over until their next one.
Hinata pulled her arm back, stopping him. "I-I was going to cook dinner for my family."
Sasuke lifted a brow. "Don't you have servants to do that for you?"
Her lips flattened. "No." She answered simply, well aware that he was aware the Hyuga were supposed to be a different clan now. "Not today. Maybe some other time." She said quietly, not meeting his eye.
He let her go. How could he not?
Not everyone was like him.
Not even Hinata.
But some days she was.
He had found her in his apartment after a mission. One without her. He asked why she had skipped out on work.
"Not today." She had explained, cleaning out his fridge, not bothering to acknowledge why his apartment smelled so strongly of bleach and disinfectant. A glance at his calendar and he remembered. It was Naruto's birthday. There'd be a party tonight, a big one, where even he would have to make an appearance. For his best friend. For the anniversary of their victory of a world war he had caused.
He lowered to his bed, removing his armor, glancing up at her as she scrubbed at his soot-stained stovetop. He could feel the restlessness in her, the need to keep busy. She could have gone on a mission if she had really wanted to. Trained and sparred with her friends. Cooked for her family. Cleaned her own damn house.
If she had really wanted to.
She had come here instead.
He showered, put on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, and took the cup of tea she had waiting for him. He would have to leave in a few hours. Late enough that the party would be in full swing, but early enough for Naruto to remember seeing him. Then he could come back home.
Sitting down on his bed, he rubbed a towel through his damp hair. "Aren't you going to get ready?" Hinata sat at his table, not even looking at him, stirring a spoon repetitively through her tea. The sight of Hinata sitting casually in his kitchen was still strange to him; just sitting here, in his nightclothes, freshly showered, with a witness was startling enough.
"I don't think I'm going." Hinata answered quietly. Sasuke waited for an explanation, something to explain her mood, but it seemed she didn't feel the need.
He should have left it alone.
But he didn't.
"Is it because of him?"
He watched her brow crease, those pale lilac eyes squinting. She turned to him. "What?"
"Him. Naruto." Her ex. His friend. A lot more words to describe Naruto came to mind but those were really the only important ones. So far into this muddy undefined relationship, they had never discussed it. Before, Sasuke had welcomed her silence, counted on it, really, to keep the guilt at bay.
Hinata turned fully in her seat, staring at him with those big glassy eyes. He expected to see the anger in them but found only confusion.
They watched each other cautiously.
Maybe it was more than just the guilt.
Maybe it was having to sit by Naruto at the bar, smashing peanut shells, listening to him go on and on about the different girls he was stringing along, and having to sit there like an indifferent bastard. Naruto's taunts about his own private life were infuriating enough, but having to avoid talking about Hinata just to soothe Naruto's ego? It was bullshit. But he had learned what the social norms were here, and discussing Naruto and Hinata's past relationship was taboo. With Naruto, with Hinata, with anybody. A classic tragic romance. Like Hinata was supposed to sit around and wait longingly for the day Naruto would finally come to his senses and whisk her away to a fantasy of domestic bliss.
Naruto, the fucking hero, and Hinata, the white virgin princess.
Then what the fuck was Sasuke? The treacherous snake that had tempted her? Dirtied her? Stolen her from her fairytale ending just for tricks?
She was the one that had kissed him first. She was the one that had invited herself to his place and now she was showing up unannounced. He knew without a doubt that Hinata knew what she was agreeing to when they had first started all this back at the pier in Kiri.
So why did he need her to reassure him that she wasn't trying to build that domestic fantasy bullshit with him? Why couldn't he just tell her to cut it out with the meddling? To stop asking if he was eating alright or bringing him bentos? To stop inviting him out with her friends? To stop looking at him with those big trusting eyes of hers like he wasn't the treacherous asshole snake everyone knew he was?
It was all fucking bullshit.
Because he wouldn't tell her. Not when there was a chance she still wanted her hero. Not when there was a chance she would actually leave.
His vision came back into focus, pulled away from his destructive thoughts, to the quiet girl sitting across from him. She watched him for another moment, her expression thoughtful and curious. Sasuke looked away, throwing the towel to the side and leaning back on his bed. They were silent for a long while after that, both lost in their thoughts, as dusk approached. The room darkened, bathing them in a buttery sunset glow.
Hinata stood and walked over to the edge of the bed, sitting down and drawing a knee up, looking at him even as he refused to meet her eye. "I came here today because I wanted to be alone for a while." He glanced sideways at her. "Whenever I wanted to be alone, I'd usually sneak out of the village. Go look for rosemary and lavender in the forest for a few hours so I had a good excuse ready when I got back." He thought of the smell of her skin, the salves and lotions she made. "I came here today because… " She trailed off, a small grin playing at her lips. "Because I wanted good company, even if I was going to be alone."
Sasuke stared heavily at her, hearing her words as they rang inside his head.
All those days of Hinata trying to be good company for him, even when he demanded to be left alone, to be left out of her plans, left out of her life, left out of everything that could force him to accept what was going on, but still wanting her to be there.
Today, she had just wanted the same in return.
Damn it, he was an asshole.
His stare dropped from her amethyst eyes to those softly smiling lips.
An unredeemable, undeserving asshole.
Lurching forward, he swallowed her gasp and kissed her as fiercely as he could. Hard enough so she could know he wanted her. Panting, he drew away, looking down at her as she opened her eyes, fighting for air. He waited a moment before returning, pressing his lips gently to hers and letting her decide how she wanted him.
It didn't take long before Hinata lifted herself higher, on her knees, wrapping her arms around him as he followed her lips, landing hard on the blankets beneath him.
Her kisses had always been sweet. Giving. Kissing Hinata had always been fun and a pleasant way to pass the time.
It was different now. She was making sounds, sounds he'd never heard before, running her fingers through his hair, their lips rolling together between breathless pants. He wasn't sure what the fuck was going on but he wasn't about to question it. The thick pounding in his ears was like a blow to the head, one that would rattle his brain, scramble his thoughts.
The only thing he could think of, the only thought that persisted through the haze of mindless fog taking over, was More. More of her warmth, more of her body pressing against his. He wanted more stars to light up inside him, he wanted all those feelings he thought were long dead to fizzle and explode at her touch. He wanted more of Hinata, more than she had given him before, more than he knew he had wanted from her.
Abruptly, she pulled away from him. Still drunk with lust, he followed, intending on pulling her back, but froze when he saw her hands. She reached for the hem of her sweater, rolling it up and away until she had pulled it off, letting it fall to the floor. Sasuke blinked, transfixed by the sight. He'd never seen breasts up close, not even when he had been travelling with Karin, and even if he had, he doubted he would have been able to appreciate them the way he did now. He swallowed thickly, observing the simple white bra, the full cups, and the outrageous amount of cleavage spilling over. Hinata sat still, giving him a moment to look, and herself a moment to breathe.
His hand trailed softly up her hip, running his palm up her smooth flat stomach, enjoying the warmth of her skin, hesitating before allowing his hand to cross uncharted territories. With a determined sigh, Hinata yanked his hand up and smoothed it over her breast.
They sat like that for a moment, both in wonder of this new experience, before going further. The bra joined her sweater on the floor. Then her long skirt. By that time, she had pulled his hand off her and asked, her voice breathy and full of shy stutters, why he was still fully dressed. His shirt and shorts had been thrown to some other corner of the room. He pretended not to notice the way she tried not to look at his stump arm. For both their sakes, they crawled under his blankets before discarding their underwear.
Through it all, he wondered at how quickly they were going. Undressing Hinata hadn't been the fiasco he had always figured a shy, innocent girl like her would make him endure. No. She had looked at him like there was no room to be shy. No room for doubt.
It was then Sasuke knew for certain, that Hinata trusted him like no one else ever had.
Her eyes were blown with sensation, widening and fluttering shut with his every move. Even now, even between her legs, paralyzed by an overload of needling pleasure, even now he couldn't stop thinking about that dreamy far-off gaze of hers and what it meant to him. It looked like she wanted to close her eyes, to lose herself in sensation, but she kept them open, fixed on him, gauging him.
He tried not to look. He tried to distract himself with her lips, with her breasts, burying himself into her neck. Maybe he should be concerned about his pace, his performance, because though he was a novice in this, his pride demanded to give Hinata a night to remember, a night to look forward to and come back to, though he regrettably didn't know how. He was more concerned with the amount of noise he was making, the sounds coming from the back of his throat that he couldn't swallow down. He opted to bury himself in her breasts and muffle himself there.
Her arms strapped around his back, fingertips pressing in. That was the first time she ever said it. "Sasuke-kun…"
It ended quickly after that and, regrettably, Sasuke learned a whole new meaning to the word 'self-control'.
"Why are you so mad?"
His dark eyes shifted to his left, his glare returning. "I'm not."
Hinata watched him with a small, amused smile. "Sasuke-kun," She said admonishingly, shaking her head. Pulling up the sheets, she turned to face him. "You know, I…" She paused, hesitant. "Well…"
"What is it?"
She glanced at him before quickly looking away, brushing her bangs in place. "It's nothing, I-I was just, uh, thinking aloud."
"What?"
"No, no, I-I'd really rather not. It wasn't important, really-"
"Hinata." Sasuke interrupted, sitting up and staring pointedly. "Just tell me." He watched her fidget with her hands as she stared at her lap. "If you have regrets…" He trailed off, his mouth drying with the implications of Hinata regretting sleeping with him. There were too many factors to compare; her strange mood, the roughness, his performance, how rushed it had been-each one felt worse than the last.
"I don't regret it." Hinata responded calmly, quietly, like she was lost in thought. "It's just… I guess I always thought… I thought it'd be different." He lifted a brow at this. "My first time." She clarified quietly. Sasuke wasn't surprised by this. He knew she was a virgin. If she had gotten that far with Naruto, there was no way they'd be here now. Aside from him, there was no one else. "I was also thinking…" She continued, even more quiet than before, clearly nervous. "Was it… okay?"
Sasuke leaned back against the pillows. His first instinct was to brush the question off. If this was supposed to make him reflect on his actions, then it was fucking working. And if she was expecting praise, she wasn't going to get it. He considered giving an indifferent answer and decided against it. Maybe if she were another girl, but this was Hyuga Hinata and she'd never let him touch her again if he didn't answer her honestly. He nodded. He supposed now would be the time to ask her how she felt about it, take her feedback, be the chivalrous gentleman she should have lost her virginity to. He didn't.
"Oh." Hinata twirled a lock of her dark hair distractedly, looking away from him. "Were you young when it happened?" He frowned, meeting her eyes questioningly. "Your first time?"
Sasuke couldn't help his slow confused blink or the deep frown. "This was my first time." He answered honestly, if only because this wasn't something he felt comfortable keeping her in the dark about.
She turned fully to stare at him. "Really?" He didn't respond. She turned to gaze into her lap again. "I'm sorry, I thought… well… Sasuke-kun has always been so popular. There were lots of girls in the village that you could have…" She wisely trailed off. "And you were travelling with that red-headed woman too, I thought maybe you and her…"
Sasuke watched her mumble to herself, no longer listening to her conflicted rationalizing. He turned over. "You took my virginity. Happy now?"
"S-Sasuke-kun!"
He smirked to himself at her scandalized reaction, listening to her pull the sheets up, her back turning to him too, and it got quiet.
The stillness now felt strange to him. He normally liked it when it got quiet. When there was nothing to talk about. The silence was therapeutic for him in a way. Now he felt the unwanted burden of unfinished thoughts, the emptiness of a dead conversation.
"There was no one else for me either." He said into the darkness. He thought of the pier in Kiri, of their legs dangling above the clear glittering water, and how the sunset looked beautiful on her. He wondered if this was how she felt, when he made her admit that he was her only option. Hinata didn't respond. He listened for a reaction, for her breathing to pick up, or the sheets to rustle, and wondered if she really could have fallen asleep when he had just confessed to her.
"My cousin died today." Was all Hinata said. Sasuke frowned, tempted to look over at her. "Well, not today. A year ago today. During the war." He remembered her cousin. The prodigy of the Hyuga clan. Hyuga Neji had been the number one rookie the year before Sasuke.
"That's why you didn't go on the mission."
"Yes." She affirmed solemnly. He turned onto his back, looking over at her, observing the shape of her body turned to the wall. "And it's why I can't go to Naruto-kun's party." Her shoulders shook with a heavy breath. He stared at her back, watching the moonlight reflect off her glossy dark hair, waiting for her to keep going. To talk about her cousin, to tell him how much she missed him, go through her favorite memories. "Do you miss your brother, Sasuke-kun?"
He felt the anger before he could resist it. He could feel the bile crawling up his throat, the revulsion in his stomach, his instinct to protect Itachi's name and his reputation and keep it out of the mouth of outsiders.
Those feelings washed out of him as he saw the single tear slide down her cheek, her eyes turned up towards the window. The moon reflected in them so perfectly, like there were galaxies in her eyes.
"Yeah." He answered quietly. Honestly.
Her eyes closed. Turning over to face him, she spared him one thankful look before lowering into the listened to her breathing even out, watched her body as she fell into a deep sleep. At peace. He decided he liked the way the moonlight looked on her, even more than how the sunset did. He liked the pale glow of her skin, the inky navy of her hair. She could keep this side of the bed, he decided. It was closest to the window.
"I think you owe me a beer."
Sasuke settled into his stool, smirking. "Really?"
"Yah, it's this new 'asshole-best-friend' policy. You know, I cut you a lot of slack for all the shit you pulled, but missing my birthday party? New low even for you Sasuke." He laughed to himself, chugging down a beer as Sasuke recalled the way he spent his night that day, opposed to sitting in the corner of a packed club wishing he were dead. Before he could dwell on it, Sasuke quickly ordered two beers and started on his. It had been a while since he had been able to join Naruto at their bar, with the rush of missions around the holiday time. Any free time he found himself with, he spent at home. With her.
"Happy birthday." He muttered, sliding over a bottle.
"Wow thanks." Naruto uttered sarcastically. "And here I was thinking you got me something special like last time." He held out his prosthetic arm, grinning when Sasuke choked out a laugh. "You ever gonna let Baachan and Sakura-chan hook you up?" Sasuke glanced down at his empty sleeve. He shrugged, knowing the answer was a flat no. He suspected Naruto already knew that too. He took a sip from his beer and Naruto did the same. "So, where were you? And I know you got home early from your mission so don't try lying your ass out of this one."
Sasuke focused on his breathing, trying to remember his breathing pattern when he was being his usual indifferent self with nothing to hide. "At home." He shrugged carelessly.
"Couldn't show up even for a minute huh?" Naruto smiled, a wide phony smile that couldn't cover up his bitterness if he tried. Sasuke rolled his eyes.
"Who cares?" He said darkly. "The whole village showed up, didn't they?"
"Not the whole village." Naruto shot back. "Not my best friend." When Sasuke didn't respond, he pressed on. "I wanted everyone back together for at least one fucking day. The old team. Kakashi-sensei, Sakura-chan, me, you-even Sai!" He sighed. "You would have had fun, Sasuke. I don't know why you keep acting like it's such a chore for you to be around everyone. If you can put up with me, you can put up with them."
Sasuke nursed his beer, looking away. He still didn't regret that night, or the subsequent nights that had followed since then, but Naruto was making it fucking hard. "Next time."
"Next time?! There is no next time! You're not invited to any more of my birthday parties, I don't care how stupid that sounds, I'm serious teme!" Naruto chugged from his beer and slammed it down. "So? What were you doing? I hope it was worth it."
"I told you. I was at home."
"Home, yeah right. Did you sneak off or something? You know you're not supposed to be leaving without any authorization from Kaka-"
"I was with a girl."
That shut him up.
Naruto froze, his head cocking back like he had just been slapped. Sasuke returned to his beer, wishing he were dead again.
"Hold up. Hold up hold up hold up." Naruto swiveled in his stool to face Sasuke. "A girl? An actual girl? Are you fucking with me right now?" Sasuke didn't respond, Naruto' s eyes growing wider. "Seriously?! You've been seeing a chick this whole time and you never mentioned it?! Come on, who is she?"
"No one."
"What?! You can't drop a bomb like that on me and expect me not to have any questions!"
Sasuke rolled his eyes, concentrating on his beer and wondering to himself what on earth had possessed him. He could have said anything else. Said he was part of another terrorist organization and was now hell-bent on destroying the moon or some shit like that. Naruto probably would have asked fewer questions. He could have lied. He should have. He honestly didn't know what the fuck he had been thinking.
Maybe he hadn't been thinking.
Maybe it had just been instinct.
The repressed young male in him was finally starting to awaken, after years of dormancy, and Sasuke was learning he was no match when it came to the idiocy of male hormones.
It took him a moment before he realized Naruto had gone quiet, turned back in his seat, leaning on the bar, circling his beer and watching the ripples. "Sasuke," He said quietly. "Just.. don't let Sakura-chan find out." He met Sasuke's icy glare. "Look, I'm not trying to be nosy, okay? I know, I know, 'stay out of it', 'you don't know what you're talking about', 'just shut the fuck up already dobe'", Naruto mimicked with a pinched frown, recalling past conversations between them. "I'm just sayin'. You're both my friends. I know I don't have to worry about you but Sakura-chan, she puts on a front ya know. But inside… I know she's hurting. If she finds out about this girl…" Naruto trailed off, shaking his head.
Sasuke felt his grip on the bottle tighten, his eyes twitching with the sudden onslaught of irritation. He shouldn't have let the conversation get this far. He should just keep quiet, finish his beer, go home. He should, he should, he should…
"You're a hypocrite, Naruto." He stood from his stool, dug into his pocket for change as Naruto whirled to him in surprise.
"What the fuck's gotten into you?"
"Piss off." Sasuke muttered, brushing past him and storming out the door. He headed off down the street, in no particular direction, knowing Naruto wouldn't be far behind.
And maybe he wanted that.
Maybe he wanted Naruto to follow him to a clearing. Something in him buzzed with the excitement of a fight. A real fight. Not training, not a spar, but a brawl, over something that actually mattered to him. He materialized to the farthest training field they had on the outskirts of the village, looking expectantly behind him as Naruto quickly caught up.
"Hey!" Naruto snapped. "Don't go projecting your bullshit on me! That crap with Sakura-chan is on you!" Sasuke turned and faced him, returning the blond's glare. He wasn't dressed for a fight and neither was Naruto; he hadn't anticipated anything more than a friendly round of drinks at the bar with his best friend but, really, he was glad for this. It was a long time coming.
"Mind your own business." He said darkly.
"Stop being an ass, Sasuke." Naruto warned, not in the least bit bothered by the hostility radiating off the last Uchiha. "You want to shut yourself off from the rest of the world? Fine. Keep being the pretentious bastard you've always been, but don't act like Sakura-chan deserves any of your crap just so you can feel better about yourself. She waited for you, Sasuke, we all waited for you, and you blew us off for who? Some random girl?! It's fucked up and you know it."
Sasuke's lip twitched. How long were they going to keep fighting about the same bullshit? Except now, it wasn't about his attitude, or his vengeance, or his defection, or Orochimaru, or Itachi, or the revolution-it was about the girl. And they wanted to take her away, like they took everything away from him.
Sasuke felt his eyes shift, his vision morphing with the changes in his detection and the periphery. Naruto watched him, unfazed by the piercing red glow beneath the dark bangs. "Is this really about Sakura?" Sasuke challenged. "Or are you making it all about you again?"
"This isn't about me-it's never been about me. I hate seeing you both like this! You're locked up in your apartment all day, avoiding her-"
Sasuke scoffed, rolling his eyes for effect, before immediately locking back on. "Drop the concerned friend act."
"It's not an act." Naruto glared. "You're just a fucking bastard."
"Then what the fuck are you?" Sasuke spat back. "You didn't give a shit when it was Hinata."
Speaking her name aloud did something to the both of them.
For Sasuke, saying her name now, acknowledging why he was so angry, revealing to Naruto that he wasn't as indifferent as he had pretended to be-it was a moment of terrifying clarity.
For Naruto, it was the opposite. He was on him faster than Sasuke could anticipate, red hot fury behind every blow, and all Sasuke could do was brace himself and be grateful neither had weapons on them.
He brushed back his bangs, enjoying the cool breeze, as the two laid out flat on their backs, catching their breaths, the earth cracked beneath them.
Naruto stared up into the darkening skyline, his expression hardened.
Sasuke took a moment to check the damage, taking in the training field and the target posts, the architecture and the surrounding trees-all blown away, crumbled to dust, destroyed in the heat of their brawl.
He rolled back down, looking up into the night sky. "Just tell Kakashi to dock it from my pay."
It took a moment before Naruto was willing to speak to him but he laughed darkly when he did. "Dock it? You'll be lucky if you make your rent." Sasuke closed his eyes, smirking.
Truthfully, the fight in him had burned out long before, but he had no choice but to finish what he had started. And he would admit that he had started it. So he was willing to make amends. "Fine by me."
Naruto groaned as he lifted an arm, stretching it and testing his nerves. "Fuckin' bastard…" He muttered under his breath. Sasuke, stiff in more places than he thought possible, agreed. "Must be some girl, huh?" He didn't wait for a response. "Has to be, if you're willing to get your ass handed to you just to prove it." Naruto was quicker to heal, sitting up and slowly getting to his feet, wincing as he straightened. "Next time you wanna blow off some steam, just tell me. I'm tired of fighting over dumb shit like this." He looked down at him, waiting until he got a nod. Sasuke was tired of the same shit too.
"You still need to mind your own business." Sasuke added, looking into Naruto's crinkled blue eyes.
"And you still need to stop being an ass, but how far have I gotten with that?" He choked out a laugh and turned away, heading home. He had only gotten a few feet away before he stopped. "Sasuke," He muttered. Sasuke held his breath. "Don't ever bring up Hinata again."
With that, he was gone.
It was snowing.
She reclined on their bed, a fleece-lined blanket drawn to her lap, watching the storm out the window. Sasuke warmed himself by the fireplace. The inn was rustic and ancient, their only refuge from the snowstorms that constantly plagued Shimogakure. Their mission had been a simple reconnaissance deep in the mountains. Intel for an off-the-books trade agreement that seemed to have dealings with a vast human trafficking network. It would take several more months-countless more missions-before Hawk and Owl finally gathered enough intel for Kakashi to launch a counter-strike.
Right now, Sasuke couldn't care less about all that.
He glanced behind himself, watching as Hinata methodically wrung at the long sleeves of her thermal. Instantly she met his eye, her opalescent gaze pale and bright beneath dark bangs. He looked away, listening to the bed creak as she shifted off the mattress. He hadn't said much to her today. Even by his standards, he had been quieter than usual. A part of him felt an odd tension with her now. A regular occurrence now since his stand-off with Naruto two weeks past.
Of course, that didn't stop him from booking a room for them to share.
He watched as Hinata padded over to her overnight bag, pulling out two brown packets before heading to the kettle and warming the water with a fire jutsu. She was wearing a simple gray thermal with leggings and a warm flannel over it. He had known even since the early days of their ANBU partnership that she didn't do too well in the cold. He suspected it had something to do with her small frame.
"Here," Hinata stepped over to him, holding out a mug. He took it, squinting through the steam. "It's hot chocolate. I brought some from home." Chocolate. Sasuke took a sip and lowered the mug to his lap. Hinata hummed quietly, her eyes closed as she sipped from her mug. Turning back to the bed, she pulled down the blankets and settled in, holding the mug to her chest and looking at him expectantly. He rose from the armchair, unhooked his cloak, and settled into his side, draping the blankets halfway over. The cold didn't faze him.
They both watched the low fire, sipping their hot chocolate and never saying a word to each other. He wondered if she was preoccupied with the mission. It was one of his few grievances with her-taking work home with her. Asking him questions in their down time, throwing around ideas on their days off. It wasn't that Sasuke wasn't interested in the sensitive nature of his assignments; it was just jarring to know her mind could be elsewhere when his thoughts always seemed to center around her. Wanting to know what she was thinking, how she was feeling. The things she kept to herself, the things she would never tell anyone.
He could think of a few secrets he was taking to the grave with him.
Hinata lowered her empty mug to the bedside table and reached behind herself, pulling apart her pinned-up braid. Her long dark hair fell in soft waves down her back. He watched with bated breath as she swept her hair to the other shoulder, reaching up and kneading tiredly at her neck. The mission had been tougher this time around, scaling mountains and cliffs in the middle of blizzard season. He should ask her if she was feeling alright. Tell her to sit it out tomorrow if it was too much on her body. Tell her he didn't mind staying another few days so she could rest. Say something to let her know he still…
His jaw clenched.
"Sasuke-kun," She started slowly, bringing him out of his thoughts. "I heard what happened. With you and Naruto-kun." Pausing, she turned to gauge his reaction, something she always did to know if she should continue. Always thinking about him. Sasuke kept his eyes fixed ahead.
"What about it?"
Hinata hesitated before pressing on. "What happened? The field, I heard it was… decimated."
He shrugged carelessly. "It was just a spar." He could see from the corner of his eye that she looked away, staring into her lap. Hiding something. "What?"
"I heard…" She trailed off, unsure.
"Heard what? From who?" His impatience would have surprised him if the stakes weren't so high. "You talked to Naruto?"
"No." She said immediately. "You know we don't talk anymore. I heard from Sakura-chan." His breath caught for a moment, his mind running with the endless possibilities of just what Sakura knew. What Hinata knew. "She told me you two had fought, worse than you ever had before, because… because Naruto-kun is mad at you."
For a moment, Sasuke felt his world shift. No longer in an inn in Shimogakure with Hinata, but in his cell, restrained, strapped to his bed, feeling like his life was one breath away from nothing.
"What happened?" She asked again, this time not bothering to hide the fear bleeding into her voice. Sasuke felt his brow furrow, his mouth twitch. You happened, he thought miserably. "Does he know about us?"
"No." He placated her immediately, not at all in the mood for having to stomach her guilt along with his own. "He was mad about the party." Hinata fell quiet, wringing her wrists, knowing full well why Sasuke had ditched his best friend's party.
"What did you tell him?"
"What does it matter?" He bit back angrily, looking straight at her. "Should I have told him I was busy fucking you?" He watched her eyes widen, a flush creeping up her neck, embarrassed and, he knew, ashamed. Of him. The snake. "I lied." He said flatly, turning away from her.
Hinata let out a breath. "Sasuke-kun," She swallowed uncomfortably. "I...I would never want to come between you and Naruto-kun. Maybe we should-"
"This isn't about you." He snapped without thinking. "It was never about you. Everything is always about them." The venom dripped from his tone, sharp with resentment. "You're not part of Team Seven and you never will be. That's all that Naruto cares about. It could have been anyone. It just happened to be you." He paused after this, realizing this wasn't coming out the way he had meant it to. Hinata stiffened besides him, her hands coming together to fold on her lap.
Sasuke sighed. This was going terribly. He hadn't meant to say so much, or at least, nothing so damn incriminating, but the panic was setting in. Already, he was starting to tear his few relationships apart. His best friend was furious with him, his team was on the fringe, his focus on his missions was slipping, and now Hinata was catching on. Soon, she'd realize how self-destructive he really was. Soon, she'd realize he wasn't worth it. Soon, she would…
He turned away from her.
Hinata looked at him for a little while longer, like she was waiting for him to say something else. He rolled onto his back, staring at the ceiling, sullen. With a sigh, she turned over, facing the window, drawing the blankets over her. Sasuke knew from the tension he could feel thickening in the air that she was still awake.
The fire died out, leaving the room in cold blackness, the storm outside howling and beating against the windows, reminding him what was waiting for him back in Konoha.
She was right beside him but had never seemed so out of his reach. It was a coldness that had nothing to do with her; it was him. It was always him. He had thought, maybe this once, he could indulge himself. Find solace in her. Instead, he was falling back into the pit, dragging her with him.
Hinata trembled besides him.
"Sasuke-san, do you remember when Iruka-sensei taught us how to navigate using the stars?"
He looked out the window, trying to catch a glimpse of night sky through the raging blizzard.
It was dark. It was empty. It was hopeless.
He could see what was waiting for him, a shell of a home, a shell of a life. She'd be gone.
His jaw clenched.
Turning over, he faced the wall until morning.
A leaky faucet dripped persistently throughout the day.
Sasuke laid on his bed, staring up at the ceiling, listening to the sounds.
He hadn't spoken to Hinata since their mission in Shimogakure, a little over a week ago. He also hadn't spoken to Naruto. Or gone to see Kakashi. Or left his apartment, really.
He had only gone out once to buy more rice. He had thought to himself, as he walked through the streets of Konoha ignoring the staring, that he should disguise himself. Take the backways. Go to the vendor on the other side of town, the one farthest from the Hyuga compound.
In the end, his dignity won out. He had never hid from anybody in his life.
As luck would have it, he regretted his decision immediately because Hinata was buying plants from the apothecary across the street.
He watched from under the shade of the market stall, in between stands of fruits and flowers, as she leaned against the counter. She was talking to a man as he pruned a tall potted plant. He wore gardening gloves, a thick beige apron, and the most pathetic lovesick eyes he'd ever seen. Sasuke would have instantly written off the fool, dismissed his existence as some bystander, not even a blip on their radar, if it weren't for the fact that Hinata was speaking to him like they were friends.
She was in a skirt. Her hair was down. Now that it was getting cold, she wore a sweater over her pink long-sleeve. He could see an inch of gray leggings above her bare ankles. She was telling the guy a story. Smiling. Giggling. Moving her hands and grasping at her homemade scarf when she'd catch a chill. Sasuke stood and stared at her just for a moment. Just long enough so he could get a full understanding of what was going on.
It was her day off. It was his day off. They hadn't spoken in days. They should be at his apartment now, sharing tea, talking about her sister or her friends or when she had started knitting.
"Sasuke-kun?"
His body locked in place at the sound of her voice. Unwillingly, he looked over. Haruno Sakura stood in the middle of the street, shopping bags in hand, staring at him with wide green eyes. He swallowed uncomfortably, glancing from Sakura back to the open doors of the apothecary. Hinata, looking over her shoulder, met his eye. She didn't say a word. She didn't even smile.
Sasuke turned and stormed away, weaving through the crowd as Sakura followed him, calling his name. He wanted to get back to his apartment, close all the curtains, throw out his teacups, and sit and wait for his next summons.
"Sasuke-kun, wait!"
He stopped. Closed his eyes. Told himself that running away from her would do nothing and turned around. He looked down at her small frame, her short pink hair, the red headband he had never seen before. "Sakura," He acknowledged.
Looking up at him, she lowered her shopping bags besides her, stepping out of the way of the other villagers. For a long while, she wouldn't speak, observing him critically with a scrunched brow. Sasuke watched her reactions, noticed the distaste in them, and wondered why she had called out to him.
Finally, she sighed. "You really haven't changed, Sasuke-kun. Not even a little. Though I guess I haven't either." He would dispute that. Sakura was acting much differently than before. Before, he would have figured their first conversation in almost a year would have called for a lot more crying. "Kinda feels like old times. You and Naruto are fighting and I'm just trying to fix us. Again." Her eyes lowered.
"What's there to fix?" He asked stubbornly, refusing to acknowledge there was a problem.
She grinned to herself, shaking her head. "No, Sasuke-kun, that's... that's really not fair. I mean, you can do it to me. You've done it so many times, really, and I'm used to it. You can ignore me. You can pretend I don't exist. You can avoid me as much as you want to. I won't seek you out. I won't hunt you down. I won't make you face me. But you can't do that to Naruto. I won't let you."
Sasuke watched her stoically, biting on the inside of his cheek. Did it ever get easier, having all your mistakes thrown in your face? "What do you want, Sakura?"
Brushing back a strand of hair, she sighed. "It's not about me. I don't want anything from you. All I want is for Naruto to be happy. I want you to be happy too, Sasuke-kun." She said quietly. "And if you can't be happy here, you need to tell Naruto. Or this is just going to keep happening over and over and over… " She trailed off.
Sasuke stiffened. His eyes dropped to the ground, confused, before lifting back to meet hers. "What are you talking about?"
"Just talk to Naruto. Be honest with him." Sakura picked up her bags, standing straight and looking up at him. "You're friends. He'll understand." At his doubtful expression, she laughed. "Come on, Sasuke-kun. We're teammates. I think I know you both a lot better than you give me credit for." With that, she brushed past him and he turned to watch her as she stepped back onto the street.
"Sakura," He called, tensing when she paused. He didn't know what to say to her or how to tell her that, through it all, he had never meant to hurt her.
"It's okay, Sasuke-kun." She didn't turn around. "I understand. And one day, Naruto will too." With that, she blended into the crowd, leaving him watching after her until she was gone.
The faucet dripped in eight-second intervals.
A loose screw, maybe. Sasuke didn't own tools so he settled for staring at the ceiling and imagining blasting the sink off with a chidori. If he did, surely he'd never see his deposit on the apartment again. His stomach squelched irritably and he laid a lone hand over it, fingers kneading at his black long-sleeve. He had never bought the rice as he had intended to that day. Vaguely, he wondered if there were still any shops open that did deliveries. Or if he even owned a phone. Sighing, he turned over, glancing up at his drawn curtains, moonlight spilling around the edges, and closed his eyes.
Another long night.
He counted the drips to pass the time.
His eyes parted, bleary with drowsiness and surprise. Sitting up, he looked towards the front door.
Another timid knock.
Rolling out of bed, not caring that he was in his boxer-briefs, Sasuke unlocked the door and pulled it open.
Hinata was in her pajamas. A lavender sweater thrown over. Her hair in soft waves. Sleepy eyes and a tired smile.
Stepping aside, he let her in.
"I'm sorry, did I wake you?"
"No." He said with a shake of his head, dragging a hand through his tousled hair, watching as she sat on the corner of his bed.
"I, um, I couldn't sleep." She admitted, looking down into her lap. A long moment of awkward silence passed between them. Sasuke stood and watched her, seeing the multiple emotions crossing over her face as she sat and thought about what she wanted to say next.
"I'll put some tea on." Sasuke cut in, turning and heading to his kitchen, deciding he should prepare himself for whatever she had to say to him. He put the water to a boil, opening a drawer, rifling through it, slamming it shut and moving to the next one. He did this multiple times until Hinata stepped in front of him, opened the cupboard next to the dishwasher, and pulled out a box of chamomile tea packets. She handed the box to him and stood silently by the counter. Clearing his throat, he set out two mugs, dropped in the bags, and waited by the stovetop for the kettle to warm up.
The tension was thick.
Sasuke swallowed and crossed his arms. He felt naked. He was half-naked, in his underwear and a t-shirt, but he felt entirely stripped down in front of Hinata. He could feel her gaze on him and wondered what she thought of when she looked at him.
After what happened in Shimogakure, nothing would surprise him.
Once the water finished boiling, Sasuke prepared the tea and they took their mugs to his room. They both sat on the bed, Hinata sliding her legs under his blankets, and they both drank quietly. He wasn't sure how to feel. The day he had seen her in the market, he had returned home wanting nothing more than to just disappear. He had accepted that his life was falling apart. And if Hinata never returned to his apartment, he would understand.
She was here. She came back.
The familiarity was comforting. The heat of her body besides him was pleasant. The tea, their quiet pondering, her warm presence-everything was perfect. Yet he could feel something was so wrong.
He lowered his cup and set it on the bedside table. He glanced at her lowered jaw, her crinkled brow. "Do you want to sleep?" After all their time sleeping beside each other-either in his bed or in fields of grass-he had come to enjoy it. Look forward to it. It was peaceful, going to sleep next to her warm body, buried in her hair, and knowing she would still be there when he woke up. He knew that she liked it too.
She looked up at him, still looking like she had something to say, but nodded. He pulled his sheets back, adjusting the pillows, and watched as she unzipped her sweater, folded it, and stacked it on the dresser. She was wearing a white sleeveless top underneath and, Sasuke noticed with a drying mouth, no bra. She pulled off her sweatpants, her plain white cotton panties better than any of the lingerie in any of the store windows he'd seen. He waited for her on his side, tracing her every motion as she lifted the blankets and tucked herself in.
Hinata turned on her side, facing him, and they watched each other with guarded expressions. Sasuke hated it. He hated the distance. He hated that he had put uncertainty in her mind. All he wanted now was for everything to go back the way it was, when he never needed to wonder where they stood. She had always been open with him. Now, looking her over, studying her face, her eyes, the parting in her bangs and the way her fingers clenched on the blankets, he couldn't guess what she might be thinking.
What he didn't expect was her hand trailing up his chest, onto his neck. He looked from her soft hand to her face, watching her reserved expressions as he felt her fingers thread into his hair, her palm smoothing his bangs back and holding them in place. He looked curiously at her.
"You need a haircut, Sasuke-kun." With a smile, she retracted her hand and leaned forward. Sasuke met her lips easily; he would never pass up a kiss, even if he still wasn't sure where they stood. She was warm beneath him, tucking herself under him as he loomed over her. There was something to be said for kissing. For a long time, it still felt foreign; never before had he ever let somebody so close to him. To touch him so intimately. To hold him in a spell strong enough for his eyes to close, his senses to dim themselves, and Sasuke could do little to resist it.
It didn't take long before Sasuke raised himself up on his knees, his single hand grasping the edge of his t-shirt, fighting to rid himself of it with desperate breath. Hinata sat up and helped him, pulling him back to her once she flung it away. From there, he couldn't separate thought from feeling-there was no distinction. His fingers could taste her as well as his tongue could. He panted out his wonders, followed her breath, and mindlessly sought the warmth within her.
He sighed, eyes closing.
Everything burned inside him. Fire raged through Sasuke, surrounded him, and scorched white hot between them, where they connected. Hinata writhed under him, her touch searing hot across his back, her warm breath fogging over his senses, his thoughts, and he chased her fire too.
She mumbled his name, eyes closed, stoking him further and further until they gave out, burning and melting and explosively hot.
Sasuke felt her name on his tongue and savored the taste before swallowing it down.
Yet still Hinata was branded into him.
At once, he slumped against her, his entire body deflating, trying to control his breathing, parched and exhausted but, above all, so quenched it flowed through him, around him, within him.
Slowly, he lifted himself off, their skin warm and sticky with sweat. He met her eye, her lashes lowered with drowsiness so he could see only slivers of pale lilac. With a heavy groan, he threw himself besides her, catching his breath, listening as she did the same. For a long moment, they both stilled and turned over to look at each other. He still felt hot, the burning lowered to a simmer, but the cool winter air was still there. Hinata's naked body trembled with the chill.
His eyes glazed over as he reached for her and pressed their bodies together, breathing out as they both relaxed against each other. Her chest pressed into his, his thigh coming to rest between her legs, and he threw the blankets over them. They lay like that for a few minutes, warming each other up.
"Why did you come?" He asked into the darkness.
"I wanted to see you."
He couldn't help his slight frown, the disbelief. "I was an ass." He acknowledged openly, knowing he didn't need to explain that their night in Shimogakure was not one he was proud of.
Hinata laughed into the pillow. "A little." She said. "Maybe a lot."
"So why did you come?" He pressed again.
"Because I wanted to see you." She insisted. " And because, well, I hoped… maybe you wanted to see me too." She admitted quietly. He did. She had to know that.
"Maybe." He said quietly. "I'm still thinking about it."
She smiled but her grin didn't reach her eyes. "Sasuke-kun," She started, not noticing the way his body stiffened around her. "I also came because… because I wanted to talk to you."
"About?"
"Us."
He bristled inwardly, not liking the turn this conversation had taken. "What about us?"
She took a moment, lowering her eyes, hands coming together. To his dismay, she pulled the sheets up, like this conversation was too serious for her to be so naked around him. Sasuke didn't like this one bit. It reminded him of before. "Sasuke-kun," She began slowly. "If something was wrong, you'd tell me?"
He frowned. "Nothing is wrong." He replied automatically.
"But if something were?" She pressed. "If… something had to change. If things between us had to change, we could talk about it?"
His gaze fixed to the wall behind her. Why should anything have to change? Because it was him? Was he cursed to keep losing everything? Even Hinata?
He stayed silent.
She watched him, searching his expressions, unreadable as they were. And because it was Hinata, and only because it was her, Sasuke would let her have this one. This arrangement had always been on her terms anyways. If it ended on her terms too, so be it. Life had restarted for him so many times, once more wouldn't hurt.
If the darkness came back, he wouldn't fight it.
With this in mind, he pulled her closer and fell asleep haunted by these thoughts.
Another season passed.
For Sasuke, he was at his peak.
His missions were a string of successes, enough so that Kakashi allotted him more down times than usual, needing the long breaks to analyze the intel and plan their next move. Now he had more time than ever to spend leisurely with Hinata.
For the most part, his friendships were back too. Naruto had forgiven him, their "drunken" brawl a one-time lapse in judgment that would never happen again. He had even agreed to a boys outing, his bar with Naruto now filled with the other ninja in the ranks and his old classmates. The ANBU Sai was even among them, introducing himself stoically as his replacement and asking awkward questions to fill the silence between them before Naruto had rushed in and made the official introductions. To his surprise, he had not hated it.
As for Sakura, the distance between them was now one she chose to keep. He respected it. And when their eyes met, he no longer felt the abhorrent self-hatred of before or the guilt that came with a neglected sense of duty. From what Sasuke could tell, Sakura seemed to feel the same way. She would lift a hand in a greeting, and he would return the gesture with a nod of acknowledgement, of equality between them.
And of course, above all else, Hinata was still there. Perfect as she always was.
Like everything in his life, Sasuke knew this would come to an end.
Kiba had found out.
"He's my friend." Hinata insisted, the sheets wrapped around her, hiding away from him as he glared into his lap. "You can trust him, Sasuke-kun."
"Trust him?" He bit out. He knew nothing about the Inuzuka; only that out of everyone in the academy, he was the second most-annoying one there, after the girls and after Naruto of course. "
"Yes. He's my friend. Kiba-kun and Shino-kun too, they're my closest friends. You can trust them."
He scoffed. "Naruto's my friend, does that mean I should tell him what's been going?" He watched her flinch and hated himself; why did he always do that? Why did he need her to feel guilty when something went wrong?
"This isn't like that." Hinata said quietly. "Kiba-kun doesn't have anything against you. He knows that this is…" She trailed off suddenly, turning away from him. "He knows what this is."
He didn't know what to say to that. Her tone was enough to almost force an apology, to end the dispute and agree with whatever she was saying, but that wasn't an option. "And if he tells someone? If people found out? Your family?"
"It won't happen." She responded sternly. "I trust Kiba-kun with all my heart. Don't you trust me?"
Sasuke paused, feeling a strange discomfort. "It's not about that." He quickly dismissed her, knowing from experience that this was territory he'd rather not venture into. It'd only lead to trouble. "It isn't you, it's him."
Hinata sighed. "You always say that. It's never about me but everything is always my fault. And if people find out, so what?" She whirled on him suddenly, her voice edging louder than he had ever heard. "I'm not ashamed of you, Sasuke-kun!" He stared hard at her, his heart pounding in his chest, silenced by the challenge in her voice. Because he knew it was a challenge. "Are you ashamed of me?"
Sasuke's jaw clenched with the effort to remain stoic. Her eyes burned into his profile, waiting for his answer. Finally, he settled on a few words, something passable. "The others wouldn't understand."
"Understand what?"
He turned and looked critically at her. "You know who I am. You know the things that I've done. No one will understand."
Hinata's eyes narrowed with her resoluteness. "That's not who you are. Sasuke-kun, you are more than that to me."
"I know what I am and I know what I'm not." Sasuke said these words aloud, words that burned holes inside him and made him question what his life would be. He knew he was no hero. All the great things he had planned for himself, everything that he had fought for, it had all turned to shit. He was nothing now, a ghost of what he once was. Men like him weren't allowed to keep women like her. That was reserved for somebody else. Sasuke would never be that person.
"And what am I?" Hinata asked stiffly, staring at the wall. Sasuke opened his mouth, then closed it. Hinata stilled, waiting. Sasuke didn't know what he could possibly say. Nothing felt right. Hinata stared hard at him. "Not even a friend?" He could only stare back. He's only had one friend his entire life. And he betrayed him. Over, and over, and over again. Everyone he's crossed paths with, everyone who got in his way, everyone he's ever loved…
No matter how he answered, this wouldn't end well. It never did.
It was always him.
True to his word, Kiba had kept the secret. No one else had found out.
And yet Sasuke did not feel at ease.
The sense of foreboding was still there. He could see it in her eyes. No matter what he said, no matter what he did, it was there. Even when they were together, even in bed, even during the sex, he could feel it.
He knew now what it was.
Doubt.
Enough of it to change the way she looked at him forever.
All he could do was wait for it. If there was anything worse than what he had already endured, maybe it would be this. Waiting endlessly for everything to fuck up. Waiting for the explosion. Waiting for the big fight, for Hinata's final decision, and there was nothing he could do to stop it.
Sometimes, he accepted it. He knew that it had always been unavoidable; there was no use fighting the inevitable. Other times, he couldn't help questioning why anything had to change. Couldn't everything just stay the way it was?
The nights she spent at home were the hardest. He questioned everything. They were ANBU partners, but beyond that they were nothing. They weren't friends, they weren't teammates, they owed each other nothing. So what was keeping them together? His own stubbornness? Her loneliness? He didn't know.
All he knew was that it would end one day. He would have to make his peace with it.
When he awoke, he felt eyes on him.
Sleepily, he turned over to regard her, seeing her subdued quiet gaze. Like he was interrupting her in her thoughts. For a long time, she only looked at him, not saying a word, not acknowledging the heaviness in her stare. He'd never seen her look so lifeless. He'd never seen such emptiness in her eyes.
"What?" He heard himself ask.
Hinata didn't answer him. She turned over, facing the wall. Sasuke stared at her back, the long hair draped over her shoulders, his blankets pulled to her hip. He heard her breathing grow heavy. He saw the tension of her body.
"Sasuke-kun," She whispered and he could hear it in her voice. Sasuke felt his mouth dry. He was conscious of the way his body stiffened though he couldn't feel it. He could hear the blood pound in his ear. He could feel words on his tongue but not the strength to voice them. He heard her voice tremble. "Is it ever going to change?"
In the silence that followed, he watched her slowly stand from his bed, reach for her scattered clothes, and dress herself without a word. When she crossed to his door, he thought maybe she would hesitate. Maybe she would say something. Maybe she would look at him one more time and the hatred would pour out of her like it should.
The door closed softly behind her.
Sasuke stared at the ceiling, his throat tight, eyes staring emptily into the darkness.
The explosion had been so quiet.
"What kind of mission?"
"Anything."
"Let's see. Anywhere in particular?"
"I don't care." After a moment, he changed his mind. "Somewhere far."
"Alright. I have something in Frost country. Standard reconnaissance. I can call Owl?"
"I'll do it alone."
A slight pause of surprise. "Report back in a week's time then."
"Back so soon?"
"What else do you have?"
"You've just gotten back. Why don't you take a few days to relax?"
"I'm fine. What else do you have?"
"Stag is off to Suna to cover a diplomatic conference. Why don't you accompany him? I'm allotting three weeks for it."
"I'll take it."
"He sets off tomorrow. Go home and get some rest."
"I'll do it alone."
"You need back-up."
"I never needed back-up. Send me alone."
The Hokage sighed. "Report back in two weeks."
"You need to rest, Sasuke."
"I'm fine."
"You misunderstand. That was an order." The Hokage grinned under his mask. "I humored you for two months but now you're starting to become a pest. When I'm ready to deploy you, I'll send for you. Until then, rest."
Sasuke listened to the persistent drop of the leaky bathroom faucet.
He remembered a time when it nearly drove him mad. He remembered wanting to blast the plumbing out of the walls. He remembered wanting to pitch a tent in the forest and never live in proper housing again.
Now he only felt the empty void of what used to be there.
Maybe one day, he would forget that too. Maybe he would forget everything.
He could see the North star.
Sasuke stared out his bedroom window, locked onto the one constellation he could remember from school, the Ursa Minor. Vaguely, he could hear Iruka droning on about the stars and the ways to chart them. How the North star guided weary shinobi home.
Not once, in his life of danger and adventure and treachery and deception, not once he had ever used the stars to light his way home. Home had never been a place on a map for him. Home had been wiped out. Home had been in the memory of a place he could never return to. From there, he decided he didn't need a home; he had purpose. A purpose he could take everywhere. Purpose didn't need stars to guide him, it was inside him, fueling him, driving him forward.
Now there was no purpose.
Now there was no home.
If he lost his way, what was there to go back to?
Standing up, he went to the window and drew the shades.
"Thanks for coming on such short notice." Kakashi read through a file distractedly. "I finally got word back from my counterpart in Iwa. We have the go-ahead to finish up the Shimogakure circuit."
Sasuke felt an odd twinge inside. Shimogakure didn't draw any pleasant memories. Neither did the aspect of this mission together after weeks apart. An unexpected wave of nausea hit him. Was he really ready to see Hinata again?
"Stag's out front by the gate. He'll be your partner."
Sasuke froze, dark eyes widening as they fixed on Kakashi. "Stag?"
"Yes, he's out front. Don't keep him waiting."
Sasuke frowned as Kakashi handed him the mission assignment, ignoring it completely. "And Owl?"
Kakashi kept deceptively neutral. "Not available. Go with Stag."
"These are Owl's missions." He insisted stubbornly. "She writes the reports, she takes point. These are her missions." Maybe some other day he will feel embarrassed for admitting Hinata had to take the bulk of responsibility when Sasuke's hormones prevented him from doing so, but now is not that time. "I'll wait until she's back."
"I thought you said you work alone." Kakashi said with a cross of his arms. Sasuke stared at him impassively, both knowing full well Sasuke wouldn't move an inch until he had answers. With a sigh, Kakashi opened a desk drawer and pulled something out.
He tossed it over. "Owl's not coming back."
Sasuke held the porcelain mask in his hand, staring down at it, studying the markings around the enlarged eyes, the small centered beak, the special netting to protect her eyes. "She left the Black Ops?"
"Yes." Kakashi answered heavily. Sasuke held the mask tightly, stewing on this news and also sharp to Kakashi's strange expression.
"What are you not telling me?"
Kakashi let out a breath. "Alright. Mask off." He waited until Sasuke slipped the mask aside and let it rest under his chin. "Hyuga Hinata came to my office about two months ago. Told me she wasn't in the right state of mind to continue to take ANBU missions. Handed in her mask. I'd been sending her on some low-ranking assignments. Team missions. Thought I could help to lift her spirits. Then about three week ago, she came back in to see me. She wanted to give me her resignation in person. You know Hinata. Too polite for her own good."
Sasuke's mouth dried. His throat tightened. Why had no one mentioned it to him? "You never told me."
"You never asked."
He glared. "You kept it from me."
"Sasuke," Kakashi sighed. "No one kept it from you. I guess we figured you didn't really care." He paused, observing Sasuke's lowered eyes. "I see now that I was wrong."
Sasuke could feel Kakashi's gaze, sense the concern, and hated it. "I'll talk to her. She'll come back." He couldn't be the reason Hinata quit. He couldn't. He wouldn't allow it. He'll make her come back.
"Well, here's the thing about civilians." Kakashi continued. "They're free to travel. Come and go as they please."
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying Hinata left."
Sasuke's breathing picked up, a sudden shot of adrenaline spiking through him. "Where did she go? Why? She has her clan, her sister, she wouldn't just leave." He stared at Kakashi, waiting, waiting for an answer, waiting for it to make sense again, waiting for the big reveal. Kakashi shook his head.
"It wasn't my place to ask." Kakashi said quietly. "She tried. She did. She gave it time, she paced herself, she reached out for help when she needed it. She did everything right. For a long time, it worked for her. Focusing on someone else, being there for them, giving them her all, finding every reason not to give up on them. I had a friend like that too." Kakashi stared blankly at the wall, deep in thought. "This will be good for her. A chance to start fresh. Loneliness is hard to kick. I'm sure she'll come back when she's ready."
"She wasn't alone." Sasuke mumbled. He had to believe that. He had to believe that, this entire time, he had at least done one thing right. Even if he fucked it all up, there had to be something for her to come back to.
Kakashi looked over to him and watched expectantly as Sasuke unclipped his mask. He looked down at them for a moment, the ceramic masks of the elite ANBU partners, Hawk and Owl. He thought of their long year of partnership-the missions, the tea, the fields of grass, the sand dunes, the hot chocolate he never finished-and felt his throat tighten. She was gone.
He dropped the masks on Kakashi's desk and stormed out.
Many times in his life, Sasuke had found himself on the receiving end of his own blows.
Consequences had a way of coming back for him, not only with a vengeance, but with a cruel irony. He had been wrong about most everything in his life. Hinata had been no exception. When he had first sat on that pier with her, looking out at the water, he had contemplated to himself what he should do with her. He was aware of his interest. Keeping her sidelined would prove to be more and more impossible with every passing day, of that much he was certain. When he had proposed a friendship, he had done so viewing it more as a camaraderie. No more meaningful than the bonds forged in a team, like with his own Team 7 and even with Taka. Bonds he had broken quite easily before.
In Hinata, he had found someone that awakened a part of him he had thought long dead. Reignited old feelings in him, stirred up old memories that had once been so painful, now just glimpses of his past. Old pains of yesterday faded to nothing when for the first time in his life the future didn't seem so bleak anymore.
Sasuke nursed his beer slowly. He had never been a drinker. Yet thinking of Hinata, being forced to acknowledge his feelings, sifting through these now precious memories, and recognizing his mistakes, he understood the appeal.
It was easier to just forget. A part of him hoped that Hinata would forget him too and yet another part couldn't bear it.
Sasuke regretted many things.
He regretted their last night together. He regretted not having the guts to face her. He regretted letting so much time pass without fixing his mistakes. He regretted almost everything. How could it be possible to regret ever laying eyes on her and to also regret letting her slip through his fingers?
Most of all, he regretted everything he didn't say. He regretted the words that had burned in his throat, branded themselves in his mind, in his heart, the words that died on his tongue. He regretted taking her warmth, stealing it for himself with every moment, cloaking himself in her comfort, and never thanking her for it. How could he? He wouldn't speak to her when they were together.
He would always regret that.
Nothing made sense. Everything he thought he knew about himself had been a lie. Now all that was left was to face the truth. And the truth was going to break him. He knew that. Perhaps he'd always known that.
Drip.
He stared up at the ceiling, his body numb from hours of immobility. He could scarcely feel the bed, his pillow, even the chill coming in from the open window.
Drip.
The last time he glanced out the window, the sun had been out. He can't remember if he had noticed the room getting darker and darker with each passing hour.
Drip.
Had it always been this dark?
you don't answer your door so i'm writing a note like some loser. i guess ill slip it under your door or something.
i talked to kakashi. i know you're not feeling 100%. i've been there before. you know i try to be there for you but i can't help if you won't let me. that's just not how it works. i learned that the hard way too. you have friends sasuke. me, sakura, kakashi, all our old classmates. if it's about the girl, hey i've been there too!
you're not alone. you've never been alone.
let's talk over a beer. i'll buy.
you know where to find me.
He had trudged to the bar unwillingly. Though he had frequented there by himself a few times, always just late enough to avoid the usual crowd and always with a henge, he still wasn't up for it.
He hadn't left his apartment in days. Maybe weeks. The days had started to blend into each other, the darkness of early mornings no different than the empty black nights. It was easier to sit there in the peaceful quiet than it would be anywhere else. So why leave?
These days, Sasuke couldn't tell which of his thoughts were the rational ones. It reminded him of dark days-not the ones in the pit, but the ones in the chase. The days had blended in those too, his vision stained red, his mind in a constant state of frenzy. His thoughts were like hornets in his head; angry, dangerous, a swarm of lies banging against each other until it all had become irrational. So far gone, and he had no clue.
That was why he had to go.
"Sasuke!"
He looked up from the entrance, drawn to the bright yellow hair and the impossible huge smile sitting at the bar. Sasuke couldn't help himself. He smiled too. He weaved through the crowd and took the stool Naruto had saved for him. They both sat quietly for a moment, appraising the other. Lifting a hand, Naruto ordered a beer for him and they both took a long sip.
"So," Naruto said. "What's up?"
"Nothing."
"Uh-huh." He responded with a smirk. "You want something to eat?" He held up a paper menu. Sasuke glanced at it curiously. He couldn't remember the last time he had eaten something that wasn't rice and microwavable cutlets. He waved it away. Naruto perused it with a shrug.
"You're really going to eat bar ramen?"
"What's wrong with that?" Naruto asked defensively. "Any ramen's good ramen But, if you wanna sit here and judge me, I'm more than happy to take this to Ichiraku's."
Sasuke grimaced, lifting his glass to his lips. "No thanks."
"Suit yourself." Naruto lowered the menu and also worked on his beer. They drank quietly for a while. Sasuke didn't doubt why, knowing the look Naruto would get when he had something he wanted to say. "So," Naruto started. "Haven't seen you around."
"Around where?"
"Anywhere. Here. The office." Naruto turned to look at him, gauging him. "You stopped going on missions."
"Yeah."
"Why?"
He thought of what Hinata had said to Kakashi. About not being in the right mindset for the ANBU. How even the standard missions had been too much. Distractions never lasted long enough. Not long enough to count. He swallowed thickly and offered a shrug in response.
Naruto sighed. "Alright. Forget the missions. Why wouldn't you answer your door? I know you were home."
"I was sleeping."
He sighed again. Sasuke waited for the yelling. He waited for the lecture. Something about being an asshole, something about friendship. Naruto rubbed at his temple, his eyes lowered to the counter. "Sasuke, I won't lie to you. You're scaring me. I'm used to you, and I know how you are, but this… this is different. Isn't it?" He didn't wait for a response. "I just want to help."
Sasuke stared at the counter, feeling the thickness in his throat and the burn in his eyes.
"Just talk to Naruto. Be honest with him."
He could hear Sakura in his head, her parting words.
"You're friends. He'll understand."
He took a breath, looked up at his friend, the pain in his eyes. He deserved the truth. Out of everybody, Naruto deserved the truth.
"It's Hinata."
To say the world had faded around them was an understatement. He stared at Naruto's profile, watchful for his reaction, his heartbeat picking up with his nerves.
Naruto didn't move. "Hinata?" He muttered back, eyes narrowing. After a long while, he slowly turned to face him. Sasuke could almost hear the gears running in Naruto's head, the connections coming together before him, his darkened blue eyes narrowing and widening with understanding. "Because she left?" He looked at Sasuke, waiting. He nodded, feeling Naruto's stare. "Why?"
"She left because of me." He paused, waiting for another question. Naruto said nothing. He stared at him cautiously, waiting for an explanation. Sasuke's mouth dried.
Taking a breath, he began.
Through it all, Naruto didn't react. He stared at the counter, listening quietly, as Sasuke told him-in no uncertain terms-that he and Hinata had been together. That he had made a mistake. Many mistakes, actually. And now she was gone.
When he finished, he tried to drink the rest of his beer, tried to drown the knot of emotions in his throat. His breath shortened, pulse quickening with the anticipation of another brawl. Fighting down his panic, he looked over at his friend.
Naruto was examining his bandaged hand, turning it over on his lap, quiet and contemplative. Finally, the corner of his mouth lifted in a grim smile. "Guess I must be a lousy friend." He turned to look at him. Sasuke shook his head dismissively. "No, I am. And you're a pretty lousy friend too." He paused, facing him fully as Sasuke's eyes lowered. "You never listen to me. I told you, teme. I want you to be happy."
Sasuke visibly startled. Was Naruto really okay with it? With everything he had told him? "But…" He trailed off, uncertain if he should drop it or not. "It's Hinata."
Naruto sighed, turning back to the counter. "Yeah, yeah, stop reminding me." He finished off his glass, setting it down with a grimace. "I made mistakes too. I haven't been a good friend to her either. That's why… that's why I got so mad when you brought her up last time.." His head lowered into his palm, resting his elbow on the counter as he sighed to himself. "Whatever happened between you two… well, it's none of my business. I don't know where she went. But if you made her happy…" Naruto trailed off. "And it sounds like she made you happy too. But you-" Naruto chuckled darkly. "You can be a real asshole, Sasuke. Even when you don't mean to be. And Hinata… Hinata isn't going to wait around forever for you to get your act together. Why should she, ya know?"
"I know." Sasuke said quietly.
Naruto fell quiet for a moment before laughing under his breath. "Here we go again. So what now?"
"What?"
"What now? You can stop with the act, remember? Cut the shit and just be honest with yourself. What do you want?"
For a long moment, Sasuke couldn't respond. Ever since he could remember, he could never have what he really wanted. It had always been wrong. He had always been flawed. He always made the same mistakes over and over, never learning his lesson, yearning for what could never be his. What if this was the same thing all over again? Another lesson in a lifetime of atonement? "I can't." He said decisively.
"Why not?"
Sasuke rolled his eyes. "I can't just go after her."
"Why not? It's not like you haven't done this shit before."
Sasuke shook his head. It was out of the question. Naruto was his friend, and this was his village. He had sworn he wouldn't do it again. He'd promised he would find a way to be content with what he had. It was a privilege to be in this village. It was a privilege to be in the black ops. It was a privilege to have a friend that believed in him and trusted in him and he couldn't betray him again. Naruto was going to be Hokage and he was going to be at his side, protecting this village, making good on his promises.
Naruto laughed. "Yeah, yeah, I know. What a slap in the face right? I go through all that trouble to get you back here, I lose a fucking arm, I'm constantly dealing with your melodramatic bullshit, and you still don't listen to me." He stood up and pulled out his wallet. "Like I said, my treat. Get out of here already."
"Naruto." Sasuke shook his head in disbelief. Was he really going to uproot his life just to follow her? Could it really be so easy? It couldn't, and yet his body had never felt lighter, his purpose had never been so clear.
Sasuke stood too, the two friends facing one another with crinkled eyes. Naruto clapped a hand over his shoulder. "I'll see you later?"
"Believe it."
He walked down the same path he had taken all those years ago, when he had ran away in the middle of the night to find his purpose.
This time, he looked up at the night sky, no longer chasing a goal, but finding his way home.
The stars were especially bright tonight.
Some time had passed before Sasuke realized where his feet were taking him.
Fields of wheat grass swayed with the breeze, carrying their sweet smell over him, reminding him of warm nights of long ago.
The glitter of a lake.
A lonely pier.
Kiri was still beautiful.
She had chosen a small cottage by the lake.
Sasuke stood in front of the green door looking down at the flower beds, the sprawling vines of leaves on the wall. The curtains were drawn.
Shakily, he lifted a hand and knocked.
She stared at him with wide pale eyes, her fingers clenching on her skirt. She looked exactly like he remembered, feeling a strange relief that not everything had changed. She was still Hinata. She was still modest in her long skirt and her sweater. Still timid with her watchful eyes and carefully guarded gaze. She was still kind. The kindest person he had ever met.
She still hadn't slammed the door in his face.
"You don't look that old yet." Sasuke found himself saying, watching her just as carefully. Hinata blinked in surprise, taking a moment to absorb what he said, and allowing a small grin. A year ago, she had been just as lost as he was. Searching for her purpose. The closest she had gotten had been a passing thought, a momentary glimpse of a peaceful life in solitude, growing old in the countryside. A year ago, he never would have guessed his own search would lead him to her doorstep.
Hinata looked behind him, eyes settling on the glittering water. He could see the present catching up with her. "Why did you come?"
He looked at her, studying her face, the cautious lift of her eyes. "I wanted to see you." He allowed himself a small grin. "Maybe I hoped you wanted to see me too." A rosy blush dusted her cheeks, skimmed the bridge of her nose, her iridescent eyes widening before looking away. "You don't have to say anything. I was an asshole. I was an asshole because I was afraid." He would admit it now. He had been a coward. "I've never been good with change. I chased ghosts my entire life. That's all I know. People came and went but my purpose never changed."
The sun began to set, casting a buttery glow as the soft colors washed over them.
"And what's your purpose now, Sasuke-kun?" Hinata's eyes stayed fixed on the lake.
"I don't need one." When she looked at him, he held her stare, determined not to let her look away. "I found a home."
A long moment of quiet tranquility passed then. Hinata looked shyly down into her hands before he tilted her chin up. This time, he asked her first. She nodded, closing her eyes and leaning forward. Kissing Hinata had always been fun and a pleasant way to pass the time.
When she pulled away, he let her. They had all the time in the world now.
TL;DR - FwB!SasuHina
2 years later and i finally can mark this as complete :) i kept wanting to make it deeper, dive into the characters, get another side of Hinata, but i wanted to keep it simple. save the dramatics for water lily of course.
On to the next!
-Gen.