Survive
Disclaimer: I do not own Shingeki no Kyojin
Summary: Rivetra Week 2014 Prompt Day 1 Survive
This was written a while ago so it's not fully accurate to the manga.
The upper half of her body was in pure pain.
The lower half of her body was completely numb.
Petra couldn't think straight. Fear, pain, anger, and loss all caused her thoughts to become a whirlwind in her head. She was a mess, physically, mentally, emotionally. Every breath was a struggle. She kept waiting to die.
She could hear sounds of a fight in the distance. And it brought on feelings of shame and failure. There would be no one to save her, she knew. It was only a matter of when. How long would she have to wait? It was too long already. When could she finally feel the blissful nothingness of death?
Then she saw him.
Levi was gazing down at her, looking desolate. She cried out to him, silently, as he left, likely thinking her dead.
Petra couldn't move. Even the thought of twitching a muscle above her waist sent rolls of agony through her body. But not below her waist. There was nothing there. And that was much more frightening in its own way.
What if they couldn't retrieve her body? What if they left her behind? What if she was stuck like that until she finally died of starvation? The horrid thoughts of being abandoned, all alone, dying a slow, pitiful death continued to plague her. A silent tear rolled down her cheek. She couldn't tell how much time had passed.
Until finally, finally, she heard the sounds of horses and human voices. For a second, Petra felt terribly afraid they weren't real. Then the world shifted and an almost soundless whimper escaped her lips. If it weren't for the stupidly large trees she could have seen the beautiful, vast blue sky before she died. Again she let out a small, barely audible sound as her body was placed on the ground, sending shockwaves.
A startled face appeared above her. A boy. Only a little older than Eren. His brown eyes widened. "Squad Leader!" His voice pitched. "Squad Leader! I think she's still alive!" He sounded horrified and awed.
Petra blacked out at last.
Levi grimaced, sitting on a rock. He wanted to see how bad his ankle was, but he didn't dare remove his boot. With the amount of force it had absorbed when he caught the Female Titan's fist, it had to be strained at the very least. Best to let a doctor take a look first. He didn't want to make things worse.
"Levi," a woman called out as she approached him. "I've been looking everywhere for you."
He had just rejoined the rest of the Scouts with Mikasa and an unconscious Eren. "What is it?"
"My squad was a retrieving the corpses and one of them, a member of your squad..."
Levi's heart clenched painfully. Had they been unable to retrieve someone? The thought of one of his subordinates' bodies being left behind made him ill. He was too slow to save them and now one of them might not even receive a proper burial. His heart sank.
"She's still alive."
Levi froze, stunned. "Where?" He demanded. "Where is she?" He whipped his head around, trying to locate that familiar ginger hair.
"Over there," she pointed to a cart.
He wasted no time hobbling over. The sharp pain in his ankle was an annoyance but he would not let it stop him. Grunting, he pulled himself into the cart. There was only one other person there, sitting opposite his subordinate, holding his side with a pained look on his face.
Levi sat beside her, making himself comfortable, leaning against the side of the cart. Petra's head was less than a foot to his right. He couldn't even see her chest rise and fall. Placing two fingers to her neck, he checked for a pulse.
Suddenly, he was overcome with dread that a mistake had been made and she really was dead. What a cruel joke it would be to feel that sweet hope that she was alive only to have it ripped away, causing even more pain than finding her dead the first time. He knew it would be agonizing and unimaginable.
But there was a pulse. It was weak but it was there. Levi relaxed and closed his eyes, slumping in pure relief.
A few minutes later, he heard someone yell at Erwin but ignored it. The commander could handle it.
They had stopped again.
Levi glanced at Dieter, the man who had yelled at Erwin and attempted to retrieve the corpse of a friend and lost another person in the process. His eyes fell to the patch on Petra's jacket pocket. Hell no. The fierce thought suddenly slammed the door shut on that plan. That was a ritual only for the dead soldiers who were close to him.
Levi was not a superstitious man by any means, but considering Petra had beaten impossible odds and managed to survive, he would not risk it. It was irrational, he knew. But he had thought her dead, left her behind, and now he felt the guilt creeping in.
Never before had it ever come true. That deep, desperate desire that someone was still alive. If he just checked one more time, hoped hard enough, it would come true. It had come true this time and he wasn't about to risk it, rational thoughts be damned.
Erwin approached the cart, the downtrodden Dieter behind him. "I need you to ride on your horse," the commander said.
"Understood." Levi had a good idea why. The civilians couldn't see their strongest soldier riding in the cart with the weak and injured soldiers. Even if he would rather stay with Petra. He sat down on the edge of the cart and jumped down, careful with his left leg.
Dieter climbed in. Levi wondered about the patches of the rest of his squad. He could have given the depressed young man one but he hadn't gotten around to collecting them. The men were dead but Petra was still alive, making her his priority. "Watch after her. The ride might get bumpy. Don't let her jostle too much," Levi told the young man before approaching Mike and reclaiming his horse.
They were on the move once again. In the cart, he noticed Dieter obediently sitting by Petra's body, making sure she stayed as still as possible.
Should I be out there? Levi dismissed the thought a second later. He knew he was useless to the Survey Corps in his current condition.
He opened the door quietly and entered the hospital room, sitting by his unconscious subordinate. Silently debating, he figured it would do no harm and took her hand between his. "The Female Titan is a friend of Eren's. They were in the same class. Right now, he and his friends are trying to get her somewhere secluded and take her underground."
Levi went on to explain the plan to her.
"That must be the brat," he said, when a familiar roar came from behind Wall Sina. "Looks like the plan went down the shitter. Don't worry about Eren. He's got his friends and the Scouts, and more importantly, that Ackerman girl by his side."
A doctor came in once to check on her.
They had told him about Petra's numerous injuries, near entirely broken rib cage, fractured arm, bruised organs, and paralysis from the waist down. It would take months to recover. Longer still to heal mentally from her handicap and emotionally from the deaths of Erd, Oluo, and Gunther.
Levi had only focused on one fact: she survived.
She was heavily injured but she would heal. Petra would live.
The sounds of destruction continued.
"Sounds like they're making a real mess over there."
He opened the window and looked out. Nothing.
"I want to be there." Levi took her hand into his again. "If you were awake, I know you'd want to join them and avenge our squad, too."
Petra was awake and aware the next time her captain found the time to visit. The doctor had told her he had visited while she was still unconscious.
"How are you feeling?"
She smiled weakly. "Like I was kicked into a tree by a Titan. How's Eren?"
"Fine. Still annoying." Levi paused. "Less mopey now that he has a new squad to distract him."
Petra nodded. That was to be expected. "How are they? The new members." Levi began to explain about every one of them and she thought they seemed like nice, charming young people.
"The brat wanted to come visit you but I told him no. Made a face at me like he was a kicked puppy."
"Why couldn't he come?" Petra asked disappointedly. She wanted to see him. Levi was silent and she waited patiently for him to gather his thoughts.
"We have to get out of sight for a while. Hange's going to do some experiments with him."
"You can't really tell me anything, can you?" It was more of a statement than a question.
"No."
She had expected that as well. Petra tried not to show how much it hurt. She couldn't be a soldier anymore. You've cried your fair share already. Waking up and finding out she had failed the mission, losing not only half her squad but both her legs had been devastating. She was glad Levi hadn't come one of those days and seen her throwing herself a massive, one-woman pity-party.
Only a week had passed since she had been awake and found out about her paralysis. Everything else she could recover from. Slowly, over time. But not that.
Petra had decided a week was long enough. Their world wasn't kind to people who couldn't pull their own weight. The sick, the elderly, the disabled. Her father would be very supportive but no one else would. Many would eye her with disdain and annoyance. A burden on society. At best, they'd look at her with pity like some of the nurses.
It made her feel sick and weak and useless. And she hated those feelings. She couldn't let anyone make her feel that way. And that would not be possible until she stopped feeling that way about herself.
It wasn't easy but she tried. That had to count for something. No matter how much she felt the urge to cry, she fought it. Her heart still ached deeply because of her sudden immobility when only weeks ago she could fly. But she tried not to dwell on it. That would only lead to another breakdown and more useless sobbing.
"I shouldn't really be here but who knows when—if—I'll be able to see you again."
Petra's heart lifted, a sweet feeling spreading in her chest. She knew he meant nothing romantic with those words. Now especially it'll never be. She ignored that irritating, miserable voice intent on dragging her down to depression. He cared enough about her—no, he cared so much about her that he risked visiting her one last time. She wanted to go with him. But she couldn't follow him. Never again. Gritting her teeth, Petra looked down at her lap. So much for keeping her head up.
She heard him move closer, standing by her now. "Hey. Aren't you going to look at me?"
No. Petra felt pathetic. No! This time it was aimed at herself. Stop wallowing in self-pity again! But it was so hard not to. Levi must pity her, too, like the others. And justly so. Without her mobility, what good was she?
Petra didn't have the necessary schooling to get a job that didn't require her to be on her feet. Craft was taught to the young and she was too old and too broken. As much as she loved her father, the thought of spending the rest of her life stuck at the house with him hovering over her made her feel trapped and suffocated.
"I can't blame you," Levi muttered. "I wouldn't want to see me, either."
Petra's head snapped up. What was he saying? Her breath caught in her throat. Few emotions ever appeared on her captain's face and they were limited to boredom, annoyance, anger, disgust, and occasionally he would look slightly worried or pleased. She had never seen him so devastated and...guilty before.
"Captain, you... It's not your fault. I know it's hard not to think that because good people feel guilty when they shouldn't—that's how you know they're good. But I want you to know I don't blame you."
Levi sighed. "I came here to let you know you may not see me for a while. But here you are, hurt and bedridden, still trying to make me feel better." She couldn't help the shy smile. He had never looked at her so tenderly before. "And I'm not your superior anymore. Levi will do."
Her heart fluttered. "Okay, Levi." It sounded odd but felt so good to say.
Someone passed by in the hallway.
Levi was serious once more. "I should go."
She was disappointed the moment hadn't lasted longer, but he was needed elsewhere. She understood. To be needed, depended on, I'll never be in that position ever again, she thought bitterly, before quickly banishing those feelings. Anger was only a step up from sadness. She needed to do better than that.
"Take care of yourself," he told her.
"I will," she promised. "I hope I see you again soon."
Levi paused before placing a hand on her cheek and kissing her forehead gently.
"So, you overthrew the government."
"Can't take all the credit. It was a team effort."
Petra sipped her tea as a comfortable silence fell. She was in a wheelchair, a blanket draped over her legs. Levi had surprised her, coming to her home out of the blue. It had been months since that day in the hospital. Rebuilding the government was complex and busy work and she didn't blame him for not visiting sooner. In fact, she was glad because it gave her time to stand up on her own two feet again. Metaphorically speaking.
"How have you been?" Levi asked.
"Alright. Nothing exciting to tell."
"Doesn't have to be life-and-death. Tell me, what have you been up to?"
So Petra told him about working at the apothecary's shop, helping the owner preserve herbs and such. "It's not much," she said, embarrassed, "but I'm out of the house and I get to do something and meet people."
"That's good. Most of the people I know who were forced to leave because of a serious physical impairment end up wasting away or turn to the bottle. I'm proud of you."
Her heart soared at his words. Praise from Levi was rare. He wasn't one to say kind things just to be nice, and she felt immensely proud and exhilarated he thought so highly of her.
"How is your father?" A crease appeared on his face. "Something wrong?"
"Dad's been super stressed about," she looked down at her legs and finished, "this. He's been pushing himself too hard. He's afraid there will be no one to take care of me if something happens to him so he's taking on a lot of work to make sure I'll at least have a lot of money when he passes away. But I can take care of myself now." She sighed. "I wish he would stop and look after himself."
Levi paused before answering. "Did you tell him that? That he should think about his own well-being. Otherwise the thing he's so afraid of will come to pass."
"I've tried. He just can't see past this broken, pathetic little girl image he has of me," she replied unhappily.
He didn't say a word, only staring contemplatively at his tea.
When Levi had come over, she had thought it would be just like any other time he had visited. Petra had not been expecting her former captain to ask in his usual blunt manner as if they were discussing something trivial like the weather, if she wanted to marry him. Who does that? Levi, apparently.
"Wait, did you tell my dad you were going to do this?" Over the last few weeks, Petra had noticed her father had done a one-eighty, going from stressed and overworking to unusually happy and at peace. It was around the same time Levi had come over a little early one day and her father had been home and entertained him before she returned. Petra thought he talked some sense into her father but apparently, it had been more than that.
"Yes, we had a chat," Levi answered.
"What exactly did you tell him?"
"That I'm thinking about leaving the Survey Corps. There's just a few things that need to be resolved. Most of our troubles have been sorted out and I want to take a step back. I'll still be serving in the military. And come back to active duty should they need me again. But right now, serving as an instructor for coming generations of soldiers sounds more appealing."
Petra could only stare at him in shock.
"Yeah, I know, me voluntarily choosing to teach immature brats, seems crazy. But I gotta admit, I'm excited about it."
While she would like nothing more than to spend the rest of her life with him, she wondered if he truly knew what he was signing up for.
"I've given it a lot of thought and the only thing left is your answer."
"I just want to know you understand there are some things I just can't give you," she began quietly.
"What exactly is it that you think you can't give me?" Levi stared directly at her, challenging.
Petra squirmed under his gaze, eyes darting here and there, everywhere but him. "Um, well..."
"Sex? Children? That's fine because I've never been interested in either."
"Are you really sure about this?" She pressed still.
Levi scoffed. "What, you think I'm doing this because I pity you? You know I'm not the type of man to say something like that without already being prepared to fully commit." He looked at her expectantly. "No reason either of us should have to live lonely, miserable lives." He stood. "I have to go now, but think about what I said."
Levi saw how longingly Petra watched the couples dance to the beautiful music.
It was the first gala since Historia was crowned queen. Much as the queen didn't care for such things, Pixis had pointed out she needed to keep the nobles on her side. A gala to help them know their new monarch was a simple and effective way to connect with them and get them to love and accept her fully.
Petra's eyes fell to her wheelchair in disappointment.
Mikasa came to stand beside him. "Since you are family and you're going to marry her, here's a piece of advice: go ask her to dance."
Levi grunted, swirling the amber liquid in his glass. "You don't need to tell me. I was already planning on it." He just needed a minute to resign himself to dancing in public. "Why don't you worry about your own self?"
Mikasa hid behind her scarf, wandering over to where Eren was arguing with Jean while Armin tried to play peacekeeper and Connie and Sasha watched in amusement.
He left the glass in her hand and went over to his future wife. "Hey."
Petra turned to him and looked at his empty hands. "Where's the drinks?"
"Forget about that for a minute." Levi leaned down. "Put your arms around my shoulders."
"What?"
"Just do it."
"Okay," she replied uncertainly.
Holding her securely around the waist, Levi lifted her, feeling the tips of her toes brush against his feet.
It was uncomfortable knowing people were watching, but he ignored it.
It was well worth it to see Petra laugh in delight, eyes shining, as he spun her around in his arms. Levi decided he wouldn't mind being the reason behind that happiness for the rest of their lives.
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