Apology

Disclaimer: I do not own Shingeki no Kyojin

Summary: Levi reunites with his pregnant girlfriend six months after leaving her without a word.

A few hours into her shift, Petra stretched and rubbed her very pregnant belly. She grabbed a small snack from the kitchen and stepped out onto balcony patio. Erd was leaning back against the side of the three-story building, a trail of smoke flying up from the cigarette hanging from his lips. "Petra, taking a break?" He quickly put out the cigarette.

"Yeah." She unwrapped the snack bar, taking a bite. "How're Rachel and the kid?"

A smile pulled at his lips. "He's starting to walk. Rachel takes a dozen photos every day."

Petra sighed, patting her stomach. "I can't wait to hold my baby. What was it like when he felt called you dada?" She could still remember the huge grin on his face when he told everyone at the office the next day.

"I couldn't believe it at first. I was so excited. I hugged him and kissed him and ran around trying to find my phone so I could get it on camera. I'd never been happier."

Petra sighed again, longing. She imagined hearing her little baby call her mama. It made her so giddy thinking about it.

Erd blew out a breath of air. "I smoke occasionally," he told her suddenly.

"Stress?" Petra guessed. Although she couldn't figure out what could be worrying him. Their company was doing well, his family was healthy and happy as far as she knew, and he was also in good health.

"You heard the news about that child porn ring?" Eren asked and she nodded. "One of the creepy fuckers the FBI busted was one of our neighbors. We had him over for dinner a few times. The kids in the neighborhood love his bunnies."

"Do you mean Mr. Arnold?" Petra asked, face paling.

"Yeah, him."

"Last week when I came over to your guys' place he was walking by your house and stopped to chat. He asked me if he could touch my stomach." A sick feeling twisted in her gut and she wanted to run home and shower, to wash away the phantom feeling of the man's touch.

Erd nodded gravely. "One of the parents down the block had to leave his kid with him a couple of times because his wife was in an accident. He couldn't get their regular babysitter because she had moved away. That piece of shit wasn't into boys and never touched him though, thankfully."

"Thank goodness," Petra muttered in relief.

The entire day her friend's words echoed in her head. It was terrifying realizing how close she had been to a monster.

When she arrived home, a familiar letter was waiting in the mailbox. Her thoughts turned to the father of her baby. The usual spark of anger and hurt was missing. After her talk with Erd, Petra felt some gratitude.

Levi was an asshole, disappearing without reason or explanation after finding out she was pregnant. It had been devastating to come home one day and see all his stuff was gone and he'd changed all of his contact info. But at least Levi had the decency to send a check every month to help her out. The money would be a big help in ensuring her child had a comfortable future.

Her parents had been outraged, telling her to rip it up and throw it away when the first check came. They were more than happy to take care of the baby and help out in any way. She had almost torn the check to pieces but changed her mind. Life was unpredictable and the economy a little unstable. In the end, she had decided to set up a savings account in her child's name and deposit the checks there. While she refused to touch a penny of that bastard's money, if there was an emergency she would not let her own damn pride stand in the way of what was best for her kid. Better to save the money and never touch it than rip up the checks and cry later if she needed it.

Two weeks later, there was a man waiting by a dark car when Petra returned home from work. Tall and blond-haired with a broad chest, he looked vaguely familiar. It wasn't until she neared him and saw his eyebrows that she recognized him.

"Ms. Petra Ral? My name is Erwin Smith." He pulled out a badge from his jacket's inner pocket and showed it to her. "I'm with the FBI."

"I remember seeing you on TV." There was a horrible feeling bubbling in her chest. "Weren't you the lead investigator in that child porn ring?" Panic began to make her speak faster. Her heart jumped in fear, suspecting her neighbors. Wasn't the investigation over already, though? Or did they find more pedophiles? "But if you're here—"

"Please," he began reassuringly, "don't worry, it's not what you're probably thinking. May I come in?" She accepted and led him in, offering him something to drink and he accepted a glass of water. "The investigation is done. All of the perpetrators have been found and arrested. And most have been sentenced."

"That's good. Thank you," she said sincerely. "For all of your work and everything you've done."

"It was a team effort," he replied modestly.

"So what brings you here?"

"I'm hoping I'm doing the right thing. You see, this whole thing started when we found pictures of a boy in a dead man's phone. We learned the photos were sent by an email belonging to a different man who was still alive. We did some digging to find out if he was exposed to kids in his personal or professional life. We managed to learn the boy whose pictures he had shared with others like him was the son of a woman he dated for a couple of months."

Petra still couldn't see what that had to do with her but listened quietly.

"Unfortunately, the statute of limitations had already expired so we couldn't use the pictures to arrest him. So we approached the victim, now an adult, to see if he would be willing to confront his abuser. We were wondering if he might be abusing another kid now. People like that don't stop on their own, they have to be stopped. And they're often desperate for any sense of community because they must work so hard to keep their true natures hidden, which makes them feel isolated."

"What does that have to do with me?" Petra asked.

"You will understand soon. The victim refused initially. Then, about six months ago, he called me suddenly and said he would do it. Not only did he successfully get his abuser to confess to sexually assaulting numerous other boys, he also helped the FBI find and bust a child porn ring, the one you've heard about on the news." Erwin paused and said, "You see, the man I'm talking about is your former boyfriend, the father of your unborn child."

Petra stared at him in shock. "Levi?" She knew he hadn't had the best upbringing. He had alluded several times to being physically abused and she had figured his difficulty in communication and trust had been a result of that.

"It was a couple of days after you found out you were eight weeks pregnant that he approached me. Levi didn't think he could be a decent father to his child until he confronted his past."

Tears welled up in her eyes. "Why didn't he tell me? Why did he let me believe the worst in him?"

"It wasn't very wise," Erwin agreed, nodding. "But he thought it was better that way. If in case he failed, he was convinced it meant he couldn't be a good enough parent and it might be easier for you and the child if he was never in the picture."

"That... That idiot!" Petra began to sob, overcome with heartbreak. Erwin leaned forward, pulling a tissue from the box on the table and handing it to her. "Th-Thanks," she hiccuped. He waited patiently for her to gather herself.

"Can I get you a glass of water?" Erwin asked kindly.

"Please."

He quickly fetched her some water from her kitchen and continued as she sipped. "I'm sure you're wondering why he still hasn't approached you and cleared things up yet."

"Why hasn't he?"

"There are several reasons. He may be frightened you won't accept him being around your child. But if he never tells you, he won't have to suffer that rejection. But I think it's really because he's also got this idea in his head that he has to be the world's most perfect dad. Anything less means he's a failure. He's so worried about screwing up he won't even give it a try."

"So he refuses to give both himself and me a chance," Petra said, saddened by the stress and pressure Levi was putting on himself.

"He's not being very logical, but that is to be expected. Anxiety and fear are clouding his better judgment. After thinking about it for weeks, I decided to reach out to you instead. It may not be my place to insert myself into his personal life but I think he's suffered enough."

"Thank you. I appreciate you telling me. And for what it's worth, from my side at least, I think you're doing the right thing."

Erwin smiled, body relaxing. "Thank you for saying that. And for taking it so well. I must admit, I looked into you before approaching you, to get a feel for your personality and character—I didn't want Levi to suffer more than he already has—so I'm very grateful. I've been told I'm an excellent judge of character but still, I was nervous about talking to you and did my due diligence first."

"Of course, that's understandable."

"If it's alright, I have a request to make."

"I want you to know I only had the best intentions in mind, and I did it for your sake."

Levi put it together immediately. Erwin had been going on for weeks about reaching out to his ex-girlfriend and reconciling with her. To give her, to give them both, an opportunity to be a family. He had been acting a little strange when he inviting him over to his house to discuss something important.

Levi felt his anxiety spike, heart rate going through the roof. "Is she..." His eyes went to the wall separating the living room and the kitchen. No wonder Erwin had led him into the house through the back kitchen door instead of the front.

"First, I'd like to apologize for not giving you a heads up about this. I tried not to say too much to her and only gave her the bare minimum."

"Erwin—"

"You were tormenting yourself with the worst-case scenario and it left you paralyzed and I had to do something. I know you said you were going to tell her soon but you kept pushing it back. It would have made it harder later and in the meantime, she was approaching her due date. She told me she's expecting to give birth by the end of the month, Levi."

End of the month? That's less than two weeks away. Levi hadn't realized he was cutting it so close.

"Sometimes you can't wait for a friend to ask for help before stepping in. I felt this was one such instance. Don't be scared," Erwin encouraged. "Go talk to her. Be there for both her and your baby."

The rational part of him, his brain, understood Erwin was right. Petra knew of his past now and was still willing to reconnect with him. That should have made him happy. Doubts still plagued Levi's heart, though. Having been let down too many times in his life, it was difficult to open himself to a situation where someone could not only hurt him but devastate him completely by her rejection. But Petra and Erwin were the only two people who had never let him down. And he owed it most of all to his unborn child, who was completely innocent. Having grown up without a father, Levi knew how hard it could be and didn't want to force his kid to go through that. Only two weeks. What if he'd missed it? Levi didn't want to waste any more time.

Erwin smiled, realizing what choice he'd made. "I will go get coffee with Hange for an hour or so," he said quickly, "and text you and ask if you two need more time."

"Okay. Go on, then."

Erwin left after squeezing his shoulder.

With butteries in his stomach, Levi walked into the living room. Petra was standing before a shelf by the fireplace, observing the artifacts Erwin had collected from his travels around the world. Her back was to him so she didn't notice him yet. Her beautiful hair that he always held such a fondness for was longer than he last remembered.

Swallowing, he prepared himself. Levi cleared his throat to get her attention. When Petra turned, his attention immediately went to her stomach, the largeness of it making his heart skip a beat, before going back up to her face. "Hey."

"Hi."

Levi was at a loss for words. So many times he had lain in bed and imagined telling her everything, going through her various reactions. Now he couldn't seem to get the words out.

Petra took the initiative and hugged him. "You should have just told me, you idiot," she said, starting to cry. "How could you think I'd hold it against you?"

All he could feel was her belly. It made him cry, imagining her having to deal with everything without him. How hurt she must have been thinking he had callously abandoned her and their unborn child without warning.

For a while, they sat there, holding each other and crying.

It was cathartic, letting it all out.

So much stress and worry he had balled up about this inside him finally disappearing.

He felt a lot better afterward, wiping the last of the tears, feeling lighter than he had in a long time. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you like that," he said in a grief-stricken voice. "But I...I was so scared and… I just needed to do that because otherwise, I knew I would never be able to raise my kid properly."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't know how to. Or how you'd react. I had never told a soul about what that man did to me. I was terrified that you...that you would think I was broken and disgusting and not someone you wanted to be with for the rest of your life. Not someone you wanted fathering and raising your kids."

"Levi, I do want to be with you," she sniffed, wiping her eyes. "And I want you raising this baby with me. That's not going to change."

"I don't know if I can be a good father, Petra," he fretted, holding her hands, eyeing her swollen stomach. "What if I'm a terrible parent? What if I'm too fucked up to raise this baby properly? What if I—"

"Stop it, Levi, right now. The fact you're so concerned and conscious about our baby speaks volumes."

"It's still so hard." His voice was strained. "I don't know if I can do it."

"I don't know if I'll be a good enough mother, either," she confessed. "What if I'm too overprotective? Or not protective enough?"

"You absolutely will be a great mother," Levi insisted at once, unable to picture her as anything but a warm, loving, and perfect mother. "I know you."

"And I know you. I trust you. Trust yourself. You're so worried you'll fail us but if you don't try at all, then you definitely will have failed yourself, me, and, most importantly, our baby. Don't you think we're worth fighting for, Levi?"

He swallowed and nodded slowly. "You are." Gingerly, he placed his hand on her belly. "You are. Of course you are." A look of wonder came over his face, gently rubbing her stomach. He jerked his hand back, feeling a kick.

"Look at that," she giggled, happy tears filling her eyes. "He knows it's his daddy."

"Is it a boy?"

"He is."

Levi's heart fell.

"What's the matter?" Petra asked, touching his face in concern.

Levi had been hoping it was a girl. "I just thought a daughter might be easier for me to raise." A father-daughter relationship seemed much less intimidating. There was no frame of reference with a little girl that he had to worry about slipping into without realizing it. With a boy, though, what if he unconsciously imitated the numerous, poor father-son relationships he'd experienced as a child? He'd have to be much more conscious of his words and actions with a boy than a girl.

"Honestly, Levi, you're more scared of the baby than anything."

"I just don't want to be a shit dad."

"You won't be. You confronted your past for yourself so you could move on, but it was your love for your son that gave you the courage to take that first step, isn't that right?"

"Yes." Tenderly, he touched her stomach again.

"Then as long as we have that love for him and we have each other, we'll be okay."

"What about your parents? Are you sure they'll want me?" Levi asked skeptically. She might accept him and trust him but they might not be so comfortable having him around their grandson.

"They'll understand why you left."

"Will they? What if they forgive me for leaving but don't want me around? And I...I don't want them to know. I'm glad Erwin ripped the bandaid off for me and told you because I really wanted you to know and understand why I left. I was just having a hard time working up the courage to do it myself. But I don't want your parents to know." It made him deeply uncomfortable. The thought of their judgment and what they might think of him gave him endless anxiety.

"I'll figure something out then. I'll make them understand." Petra paused as she considered it. "I don't want to lie to them but we don't have to tell them the entire truth, either. You've been under considerable stress and anxiety about being a bad father to the baby, which stemmed from your difficult childhood growing up. It wouldn't be a complete lie to say that to them. That you spent the time away coming to terms with your past before our son was born because you didn't want its shadow falling on him. My parents will understand that. I'm sure they'll be hesitant at first but they will come around once you show them you're going to be here for us from now on."

"You really think so?"

"I know so." Petra reached into her bag and pulled out a photo. "Look, this is from my last ultrasound."

Levi held the photo like it was a delicate and precious treasure. "He looks all nice and cozy in there."

She snuggled into his side, smiling at the picture. "I can't wait to hold him."

"Me neither." Levi kissed her head and rubbed her stomach.

"You're going to love him, Levi."

"I already do."

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