Chapter Four: Goodbyes
Castiel couldn't help the terrible feeling in his stomach as he left work and crossed the street to the diner. He greeted Irene with a tight smile and took a seat at his usual table, keeping an eye out for Rory before pulling out his phone and looking at the note app he had typed things into earlier.
He had overheard something on the radio at the gas station about a glee club that had murdered a biker gang, and after he read an article about it online, he knew it was angels. He knew that he had to do something about it, and that meant he had to leave Rexford, and leave Rory.
It wasn't really what he wanted to do, but it was his fault the angels fell, and innocent people were dying because of it. How was he going to tell her?
A mug came into his peripheral and brought him out of his thoughts. He looked up to see Rory with a gentle smile on her face, almost like she could feel his inner turmoil.
"Hot chocolate with milk, not water," she also set a napkin full of marshmallows down in front of him. She knew he didn't like them getting too mushy. "You seem like you could use it. I have a ton of tables, but if you need anything, flag me down, okay?"
He nodded and Rory was gone before he knew it, off to greet the table of eight high school students that had just been seated.
Cas sipped at the drink, letting the hot liquid warm him up as he watched Rory as she took orders and laughed at their jokes. He'd seen some of the kids before, so she must've known them by name.
She was so caring and thoughtful, and he knew that what he was going to do would probably hurt her. Rory didn't deserve that, and he didn't deserve her.
Customers kept her busy up until her shift was over, and little was said between them until they got back to the apartment. Cas drove them home since Rory was exhausted. She dozed off on the way, and he'd had to gently wake her when they arrived.
He'd asked if she wanted to go to bed. It had been a long day and as much as he needed to talk to her, he wanted her to rest. But she shook her head, telling him that she knew something was off with him, and they could talk if he wanted.
"You've had something on your mind all night," Rory said as she washed her face, catching his gaze in the mirror as he stood in the doorway behind her. "Let me just get this makeup off and we can talk about it."
He was sitting on the sofa when she came into the living room wearing one of his t-shirts and a pair of underwear. She quickly sat at the other end, facing him hesitantly.
"So what's up, Honeybee?" she asked as she tucked herself under a soft throw blanket. "You've been quiet, and it's kinda stressing me out."
"I- I have to leave," he blurted out, trying not to watch the look of surprise and disappointment cross her face. "Angels are killing other angels, and there was a massacre in Wyoming. I have to see if I can find out why, and if I can help put a stop to it."
The room was silent, and Cas saw her looking everywhere but him as she played with the edge of the blanket. His heart was racing and he leaned forward, trying to take her hand in his only for her to pull back and tuck her hands in her lap, out of his reach.
Cas waited for her to yell at him, to tell him he was making a stupid mistake like Dean would have, but she didn't look angry at all. He could see her green eyes glossed over with tears and his chest ached as they finally started to fall.
Rory quickly wiped at her face, nodding as she took a deep breath and exhaled slowly.
"I had a feeling this would happen," she said quietly, her voice wavering slightly as she spoke. "You're always gonna do what you think is right, and I love you for that… Even if it takes you away from me."
He tried to explain that he didn't want to leave, that he wanted to stay with her and ignore the feeling in his gut that was telling him to go and help if he could.
"I'll be back, Rory," he told her, making her a promise he fully intended to keep, "You have my word. I just want to see if there's anything I can do, and then I'll come back to you."
She shook her head, a sad smile on her face as she laughed.
"You don't have to promise me anything, Cas. I know you'll do what you think is right, and if that's to come back, then I'll be here."
Castiel sighed and told her that she didn't have to do that. She didn't have to wait for him, but Rory was adamant about it.
"There's no one else for me, so do what you need to do."
She was so understanding, he thought to himself, wondering how he had gotten so lucky. When she asked when he was going to leave, he had answered that he was going to get on the first bus out of town in the morning.
"Okay," Rory said before she took a deep breath and pulled the blanket off of herself, grabbing his hand as she hopped off of the couch. "Let's curl up in bed and get you a bus ticket."
Their goodbye the next morning had been quiet. They were both exhausted from staying up most of the night split between being intimate and talking, so there wasn't much fanfare as the sun filtered in through the curtains.
They showered together and then Rory made scrambled eggs and toast for breakfast. While he ate she made a couple of sandwiches and packed them in a paper bag for him to have later.
Cas soaked up the indescribable feeling he got from being in her presence. He leaned into her touch every time her fingers grazed his skin, whether it was brushing his messy, still damp hair out of his face, or cupping his cheek as she kissed him.
Rory helped him pack a duffel bag, folding his things neatly and keeping her favorite shirt of his, claiming that he'd have to come get it if he wanted it back.
"You don't need to hold my clothes hostage for me to return to you," he'd told her honestly, admiring the blush that covered her cheeks as she mumbled that she was going to keep it anyways.
She drove him to the bus station and asked one more time if he was sure this was what he wanted to do. Cas knew she wasn't going to try and convince him to stay- she just wanted to make sure he was sure. When he told her yes, she simply nodded.
They got out of the car and Rory pulled him into a tight hug, and he pressed a kiss to the top of her head.
"I'll see you soon," he promised, pulling away and kissing her sweetly. "I have to go- the bus is already starting to board."
"Love you," Rory beamed, giving him one more kiss before letting him go. Castiel returned her I love you with one of his own, and then he quickly made his way to the bus.
Once he was on and in a seat, he peered out the window to see Rory leaning against her car, her large sunglasses covering her eyes, so he couldn't tell if she saw him. He waved, and was surprised when she waved back, a small smile on her lips as she watched until the bus departed, and Cas couldn't see her anymore.
He leaned back in the uncomfortable fabric seat and took a deep breath, hoping he'd made the right choice.
Months had gone by since Cas left Rexford to investigate the angel-on-angel violence, and one thing after another kept him from returning to Rory permanently. They had been in somewhat regular communication, texting and calling when they could, and he had been back a handful of times when he was able to.
A lot had happened over those months, and in his quest to stop Metatron and make things right, he stole another angel's grace and was no longer human. He'd been an angel again for a few weeks and he still hadn't told Rory. The timing never seemed right, and the guilt had been eating at him.
The next time he saw her in person was when he made it back to Idaho for her birthday. Cas surprised her at the small gathering at her apartment with flowers and a poorly wrapped box containing a candle in a scent she loved, replacing the one she had burned through when he was there during his last visit. She had immediately noticed that something was different, and he knew he'd have to tell her what he'd done after her friends left later that night.
He was worried that he'd ruined her birthday, which had been spent surrounded by a small group of her friends that he'd met before. They were all nothing but kind and welcoming to him, asking him how his work travels had been. Rory had told them that he was doing regional work for Gas-N-Sip, and he'd easily gone along with the lie.
The dinner had been full of laughter and her friends told stories about her from their experiences over the years, and he was so full of love for her as he watched embarrassment and amusement wash over her face in waves. He even joined in, telling a story about how she had almost gotten them kicked out of a museum for getting too close to the art.
Cas had missed being with her, living a life he'd never imagined having until recently. But in the living room, nestled between the arm of the couch and Rory's side, he knew he didn't belong there anymore. He wasn't human. He couldn't relate to their discussions about work or their kids. He no longer worked at the Gas-N-Sip, so he didn't have anecdotes about his daily life that he could share with these people. They knew nothing of the things he was doing or the supernatural entities he was dealing with.
He was content to listen, though, and at the end of the evening after they'd all washed dishes and put away leftovers, he bid her friends goodnight and thanked them for helping to make Rory's birthday so special for her.
As soon as they were gone and the front door was locked, Rory had him pinned with a gaze that he knew he couldn't avoid.
"There's something different about you, but I can't quite put my finger on it," she said, her green eyes looking him up and down as she grabbed her glass of wine and settled onto the couch, motioning for him to sit with her. "And it's not just that trench coat, and I know I tell you every time, but I really like it. This whole… accountant look… It's hot. You wanna do my taxes?"
Cas briefly racked his brain to try and figure out how much wine she'd had to drink that night, but he could only come up with three, including the one she had in her hand. She'd gone from serious to flirting with him in a split second, and it had been a while since she had looked at him that way. He'd been gone for too long.
He tried to open his mouth and tell her, but seated across from her so closely, he just couldn't find the words. So Rory took it upon herself and kept going.
"You seem… more I dunno," she said as she sat up straight, gesturing to herself and her posture. "Tense. The way you hold yourself is more rigid. Controlled. You were uncomfortable around everyone tonight, like you didn't fit in-"
It was like a light went on in her mind and Cas watched her face as everything clicked into place.
"You got your grace back."
He couldn't tell if it was a question or a statement. If she was upset or happy for him. So he quickly shook his head, not wanting her to jump to conclusions.
"No, I didn't get my grace back," he answered carefully, "I— I was in a situation where if I didn't steal another angel's grace, I would have been killed. I didn't want to die, so I did what I had to do."
"So… You're an angel again?"
"I am."
Rory nodded, and Castiel watched her brows furrow in thought, her green eyes peering past him. He could see her mind racing, and he could hear her heart beating wildly in her chest.
"Are— are you okay with that?" she finally asked and Cas frowned, unsure how to answer. He hadn't really thought about whether or not he was okay with it, he just did it so he could stay alive.
She must've assumed he was when he took too long to reply, so she shook her head quickly, "I- I'm sure you're happier. That's great!"
Cas watched curiously as she worked herself up, having never seen her like this. Normally she was confident and level-headed, but he understood that this was something she hadn't expected. He didn't expect it to happen either.
"Rory, I'm not glad to be an angel again," he said gently, not wanting to rile her up even more. "I am glad that I'm still alive and able to come back to you, however."
He saw her deflate, her shoulders sagging and her chin dipping close to her chest, hiding her face behind her wine glass so he wouldn't see the redness quickly overtaking her freckled cheeks. She had 107 of them- he'd stayed up counting them all one night.
"Oh," she mumbled quietly before apologizing, "Well… I just sounded like a huge bitch then. I'm sorry."
"Don't worry about it, insecurity happens," he answered with a small shrug, and Rory narrowed her eyes at him.
"Insecurity, huh? That's what you think it was?" she raised an eyebrow and a small smirk made its way onto her lips. He knew she was deflecting.
"It's normal, human, to feel insecure. I'd never felt it more than when I was just starting to adjust to being human. Then you came along, and I wasn't sure I'd be able to handle it," Cas told her honestly.
Rory gaped at him, her mouth wide open and confusion in her eyes, "I made you feel insecure?"
"At first, yes. Before you, I had only ever been kissed twice, and one of those was by a demon. I knew nothing about relationships or romanticism or love, but I learned that all with you," Cas paused briefly, taking a deep breath before he continued, "If you… If you aren't comfortable with me being an angel-"
"I love you any way you are, Honeybee," she smiled softly, setting her glass down and reaching out for him.
He moved closer, letting her wrap her arms around him and move so she was seated in his lap, snuggled up against his chest.
"You have no idea how much that means to me," he mumbled into her hair in a gentle voice, pulling her closer as he spoke. "I hope I didn't ruin your birthday."
"Having you here was the highlight of my day… How long are you staying this time?"
Castiel hated that she had to ask him that question. He wanted to say that he wasn't leaving, that he was staying with her for good, but he couldn't.
"Things have been relatively quiet in the hunt for Metatron, so I can stay for a few days. I'll have to leave on Monday, though," he finally answered, and Rory nodded against his chest.
She glanced up at him, a small smile on her face as she said, "I'll take it."
Rory quickly grabbed her phone off of the coffee table in front of them, sending off a text and grinning once she was done.
"I just asked Irene if she could get my next few shifts covered. I haven't taken vacation days in forever, and I told her you're in town, so looks like you're gonna be stuck with me."
"I wouldn't have it any other way."
Those four days Cas spent with Rory after her birthday only solidified how much he missed being human.
At first he'd felt like a guest, but Rory made sure he was comfortable. She'd hung up his trench coat and suit jacket in the closet, and he'd spent the entire time in t-shirts and either sweatpants, jeans, or nothing at all. She made his favorite foods, but it tasted different now that he was an angel again. Everything was different, even though they had quickly slipped into their normal routine together.
Little reminders that he was an angel, like the fact that he didn't need to sleep anymore, kept him from truly enjoying being at home with Rory, but he didn't let it ruin their time together. His new grace had actually come in handy the second night he was there, when she sliced herself while chopping vegetables. He'd jumped up from the counter and rounded it quickly, taking her hand with his gently and healing her without a second thought.
Rory had stared at him in absolute awe after the bright, white glow had disappeared from where he touched her, and he had quickly backed away, only for her to grab his hand and pull him closer, giving him the most intense kiss he'd ever received in all his existence.
"You're amazing, Honeybee," she told him after, breathless and wide-eyed as she gazed up at him. "Thank you. You didn't have to do that for me… I love you so much."
That same night, they stayed up for a bit after several rounds of love making, talking and cuddling after showering together. He was insatiable and his stamina had definitely gone way up, she'd told him.
"I want to show you something," he told her quietly as he laid against her chest, relishing in the feeling of her fingers carding through his damp hair. "Can we go to the drive-in?"
"It's 3 a.m., Cas, it's definitely closed. Why would you want to go there?" Rory asked curiously, and he shook his head, wanting it to be a surprise.
"It's the only place I can think of where I can adequately show you something."
"Alright, if we're gonna go you gotta get off of me first," she laughed, pushing on him playfully until he got up.
Once they were dressed, Rory drove them to the drive-in movie theater and parked outside the entrance, since the gate that was usually open to let cars in was locked. They snuck in as quietly as they could, and Cas led her towards one of the enormous, white screens that the movies were shown on.
"Stand right here, and watch the screen, okay?" he asked in a low whisper, positioning her a few dozen feet away.
Rory nodded, and Cas quickly moved closer to the screen and turned so he was facing her.
Castiel tried to calm his nerves as he focused on the lights around them, wanting nothing more than for this to go the way he hoped it would.
The lights of the drive-in began to flicker on and off, the light breeze had picked up into gusts of wind, and Cas watched for Rory's reaction. He couldn't show her his true form, so the shadow of his wings would have to suffice.
Suffice was putting it lightly, based on her reaction.
"Cas…" she breathed quietly, but he could hear her perfectly. "I- they're amazing."
He knew that they were battered, broken, and nowhere near what they should be, but he didn't care because he could see the awe on Rory's face, and that was enough for him.
The wind died down and the lights stopped buzzing and flickering, and Cas walked back to Rory, who met him with open arms that she wound around his neck as soon as he was close enough.
"Thank you," she mumbled into his chest, "It means so much that you'd share this part of yourself with me."
"I'd do anything for you, Rory," he answered confidently, knowing he'd give up his stolen grace for her without a second thought if she asked him to.
She hadn't asked him to do that, though. Rory simply enjoyed their four days together and gave him a teary smile when he had to leave Monday afternoon. He'd been delaying his departure, but the increasing number of messages coming to his phone meant he had to get back to work.
"Keep up on the texting and call me when you get a chance, yeah?" she asked as she buttoned up the front of her work uniform. "I like it when you send me pictures of the stuff you see on the road. Makes me feel like I'm there too."
"Then I'll keep doing it if it makes you happy," Cas smiled, "I know you like seeing the rest stop souvenirs the most."
"I've never seen so many terrible puns on shot glasses before!"
Castiel shrugged on his trench coat, disappointed that he was no longer in a soft t-shirt and pajama pants. Rory had grabbed her keys and her bag, and it looked like they were both ready to go their separate ways.
They headed out the front door and Cas walked Rory to her car, which was only a few spots away from where he had parked.
"Rory…" he started carefully, working up to what he had wanted to tell her all weekend. "I- I understand if this is too much to deal with. I'd understand if you didn't want to be with me anymore."
"And what gave you the idea that I might feel that way?" she asked, her voice full of curiosity as she spoke.
"Nothing, I just… I wanted to let you know," he mumbled in response, glancing away from her and down towards the ground. "Especially now that I'm no longer human."
She carefully set both hands on either side of his face, running her thumbs over his cheeks soothingly, a look in her eyes that he'd seen before after he'd woken up from nightmares.
"It's been hard, yeah, but I'm not just gonna give it up, okay?" Rory leaned up on her tiptoes and pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth. "It's all worth it, for moments like these. Angel, human, whatever, I love you as you are."
"I don't know what I did to deserve you," he beamed down at her, pulling her in for a deep kiss, not wanting to let her go. "I suppose I have to say goodbye now."
"Never goodbye, Honeybee. It'll always be see you soon." Her fingers played with the hair at the nape of his neck as she smiled, "I love you, and I'll see you soon"
"See you soon," Cas echoed, giving her one more kiss and a tight hug before he opened her car door for her.
Rory got in and buckled up, something she always got onto him for not doing, and waved as she pulled out of her spot and left for the diner. Cas waved back and got into his own car, trying to push back the feelings of loneliness and guilt that were quickly seeping back into him.
Castiel's phone vibrated in his coat pocket as he drove down the highway, on his way to meet Sam and Dean at the bunker after getting his own grace back. Metatron had gotten away, but he was no longer living on stolen grace.
When he saw who it was, he answered the call immediately.
"Rory?" he asked, keeping his eyes on the road as he tried to control his thoughts. They usually texted one another to see if they were free before calling. It had been a while since her birthday and he hadn't been back since, but they were still in regular communication.
"Cas- there are people in my apartment," her frightened voice was barely a whisper, and Cas felt his heart stop. "I- I'm hiding in my closet. I don't know who they are, but I heard them say your name, and they're looking for me."
"I need you to listen to me very carefully," he said as he pulled the car over to the side of the road. "Are you able to get to your bedside table?"
He could hear her shallow breaths through the phone, and he closed his eyes, trying to keep calm.
"Aurora, can you get to the bedside table?" he asked again, coming off harsher than he wanted, but he got her attention.
"I- I don't know. I closed the door behind me, but they might hear," she answered quietly.
"When you think it's safe, I want you to get to the table. In the drawer, there's a long, silver blade. It's an angel blade. If one of them tries to get close to you, use it against them," he instructed, glancing around him and getting back onto the highway. "I'm coming to you, okay? I'll be there as soon as I can."
"Cas… If something happens, I want you to know that I love you," Rory whispered, "I don't hear anything… I'm gonna try and grab it."
He could only listen as she quietly opened the closet door. Cas held his breath and before he knew it, her voice filled his ear once again.
"I got it."
"Stay hidden, stay silent. I'm going to get to you, just don't panic." He wasn't sure if he was trying to reassure her or himself at this point. "Everything will be okay."
"Mmhmm," she mumbled, and he could tell that she was distracted.
"Rory?" he asked, trying to get her attention again.
He heard a sudden noise on the other end of the line, followed by a rustling that had him even more on edge than he already was.
"There you are," a voice he didn't recognize came over the line, and he immediately called for Rory.
"No- get away- don't—" her shrieks filled his ear, and all Cas could do was listen. "Let go of me!"
"Rory!" he tried again before yelling, "Aurora!"
"Come out of there-" the rustling cut out some of the voice, "Ah- She has an angel blade! Help me get a hold of her."
The last thing he heard was Rory screaming his name, and then the call ended.
Cas turned the car around and sped in the opposite direction, dialing Dean as he fought to control his racing heart.
"Aren't you on your way?" Dean's question filled his ear and the angel held back any and all rude words that came to mind.
"I need you to head to Rory's— angels found her. I don't know what they're planning, what they're going to do to her-"
"Got it, I'll be on the road in two minutes," the sound of jingling keys and fast footsteps filled his ear, Sam asked something, and Dean quickly muttered that they had to go, then he continued in a reassuring voice, "Everything's gonna be okay, Cas. We'll get to her in time."
Castiel mumbled a quick goodbye and hung up, pressing his foot down on the accelerator and wishing that he had the ability to fly again.
He hoped Dean was right.