Category: Friendship Fluff, Crack Fluff
Characters: Eijirou Kirishima, Katsuki Bakugo, Denki Kaminari, Hanta Sero, Mina Ashido
Eijirou grinned wide as he pressed the "Record" button on his phone, focusing the smartphone's camera on one Katsuki Bakugo who was stretched out on an oral surgeon's chair slowly rousing. Eijirou waited with bated breath as Katsuki's red eyes flickered open, bleary and unfocused. He was just rousing from surgery, having had all four of his wisdom teeth removed.
Oh, this was gonna be so good.
"Good morning, sunshine," Eijirou trilled from behind the camera. Katsuki's head bobbled on his neck like a baby's as he struggled for a second to pinpoint Eijirou's voice. When he focused on the red-haired boy, he squinted his eyes real tight, inspecting him critically.
"Shitty Hair?"
"Yeah, it's me." Eijirou responded, a hand over his mouth trying desperately to suppress his snickers. Katsuki looked around in confusion at the oral surgeon's office room, trying to process all the equipment and the assistant who was cleaning off the bloody tools. "You just got your wisdom teeth out, Baku-bro."
"My what?" His voice was heavy, both with the anesthesia and the thick gauze pads shoved into his cheeks, making him look like a sleepy chipmunk.
"Your wisdom teeth!" Mina repeated with a girly giggle. She came bounding into the camera frame, putting her hands on her knees as she leaned over the hazy boy. "You just had surgery! We're here to take you home." Katsuki stared at her with fuzzy red eyes before he slowly lifted his hands to his cheeks to prod at them, as they were still numb.
"I can't feel my face!" The camera shook in Eijirou's hands as he snorted with laughter. Katsuki sounded more panicked than he ever had, his eyes going wide as he tried in vain to get the nerves in his face to work. "Is it gone?" In the playback of the video, one could definitely hear Denki's wheezing "Oh my God!" in the background.
"Buddy. Buddy," Hanta interjected, coming on to the other side of the screen with a goofy smile. "It's just the anesthetic, bud. Your face is still there," he reassured him and pulled up his phone so that Katsuki could see himself in the camera. "See?" Katsuki brought his face super close to squint at the screen, making Hanta slap a hand to his face and quiver with barely-suppressed giggles.
"Hey, that's me." Biting his bottom lip, Eijirou flipped his camera around for a second to focus on his reddening face.
"It's only been three minutes and I am losing my shit."
He flipped it back around to follow Katsuki as he stumbled out of the oral surgeon's office, supported between Hanta and Denki as he fumbled on wobbly knees. He kept cursing loudly, and Eijirou managed to record each and every person's shocked and amused face as they walked through the waiting room. He had to stop and support his wrist with his other hand as Katsuki walked right into the floor-to-ceiling glass window next to the exit, because he was laughing so hard the phone was shaking violently. He felt like he was going to wet himself when Katsuki angrily kicked the window with the toe of his shoe and told it to "get the fuck out of the way"; as he splayed out his palms and crackles started going off, Mina hurriedly jumped in and dragged him through the exit door reassuring him, but Katsuki kept throwing glares back at the window. Eijirou got real close to the window, close enough that his reflection was in clear view in the camera.
"Sorry about him, man, he's just real out of it. No hard feelings, right?" He was snickering as he scampered out of the exit door after the rest of his friends, thinking himself a real comedian.
He followed the unsteady Katsuki to Denki's car, watching him fumble with the doorknob for a second.
"The motherfucker won't open!" he complained loudly, and as he scrunched up his face Eijirou thought for a hot second that he might actually burst into angry tears. Keeping the camera trained on Katsuki's panting form, Eijirou leaned in to open the car door for him.
"Relax, bud, it's cool. It's cool. Go on and get in there." Head swaying from side to side like he was drunk, Katsuki half-slid, half-fell into the car and began tugging insistently at his seatbelt. After a few seconds of fumbling, he actually did manage to snap it in place, and he squinted up at Eijirou as Denki propped his chin on his shoulder.
"Hey, Baku-bro, how you feelin', man?" he asked teasingly. Eijirou flipped the camera around as they waited for the boy's response, making a few funny faces into the camera before switching it back to focus on the half-asleep Katsuki.
"I feel funny."
"I bet you do," Hanta laughed from the other side of the car, getting into the front passenger seat. "Come on, Denki, let's go; we gotta get Katsuki's pain meds from the pharmacy before they close," he called at the blonde standing behind Eijirou before ducking into the car. Denki quipped a quiet, "Yeah, yeah, I'm comin'" before hopping away from Eijirou and jumping into the driver's seat. Eijirou walked around to the other side to slide into the middle seat next to Katsuki, with Mina squished against his right. He turned the camera on Katsuki as the car began moving, and it was only a few seconds before Katsuki began tapping his index finger against the car window.
"Where's the fish?"
"Fish?"
"Yeah, fish, Shitty Hair! What kind of shitty aquarium is this? There's no fish!" Eijirou's hand shook lightly as he tried to get out words between his insistent giggles.
"Bud- oh Jesus- bud, there's no fish. This is a car. We're on our way to the pharmacy." Katsuki's head swiveled around so he could blink hazily at Eijirou. "You know, a pharmacy, where they sell medicine and stuff." Mina was bent over double in the seat next to him, snorting like a pig as she tried not to burst into hysterical laughter. Katsuki looked down at his lap like he was contemplating something before tipping his head to the side and looking back at the redhead.
"Can we get some vitamin gummies?"
"I'm going to piss myself!" Denki howled in the driver's seat, and Eijirou put the camera on him as he fell into the steering wheel and accidentally honked at the person in front of him. Hanta hurriedly rolled down the window to stick his head out and shout an apology at the old woman, who had flipped Denki the bird.
"I want vitamin gummies," Katsuki insisted loudly, grabbing the headrest of Denki's seat. Eijirou reached out to pull his thick arms down.
"Bud. Bud, relax, we're gonna get you some vitamin gummies. Just sit back." Under the influence, Katsuki was surprisingly docile, allowing Eijirou to push on his chest to ease him back against the seat. Katsuki looked out the window again and then scowled deeply.
"Where the fuck are the fish?!"
"Ahahaha! Oh my- oh my God, I can't-!" Eijirou turned the camera on Mina, who was holding her belly with tears streaming down her pink cheeks as she giggled uncontrollably. "I feel like I'm gonna throw up! Help!"
"You should take some vitamin gummies, Mina," Hanta quipped from the front seat.
"Vitamin gummies? Where?" Katsuki demanded, leaning over the central console to grab at the sleeve of Hanta's tee shirt. Mina let out a pained cry and began laughing harder, her bubble-gum pink face a bright shade of crimson, while Eijirou coaxed Katsuki back into his seat with the promise of soon-to-be-obtained vitamin gummies. Once he finally got Katsuki settled back in, he flipped the camera back on himself, pointedly looking up out of the corners of his eyes as if he were addressing God, lips in a thin line.
"Please, this pharmacy better have vitamin gummies."
"Where the fuck are the fish?!"
"Denki, drive, I'm gonna pee myself!"
"We've still got three minutes! There's an empty bottle of lemon soda on the floor back there somewhere." Eijirou had his camera trained on his face again, smirking as a resounding slap! echoed in the car, following by Denki's high-pitched yelp and Hanta's snort of laughter.
"That's gross! I'm not peeing in a bottle, especially in a car full of boys!"
"Would you do it in a car full of girls, though?" Hanta asked innocently. Eijirou mouthed "Oh my God" and grinned stupidly as Mina slapped him upside his head just like she had done Denki. Hanta yelped and jumped forward into the dash, cradling his head.
"You're being gross!"
"Well, now you don't have to pee anymore, do you?"
"… Well, I didn't until you said something! Drive!"
In the background, Katsuki kept screaming about fish and vitamin gummies. Eijirou had to inform him that no, fish could not ingest vitamin gummies, and Katsuki eloquently grunted back "That's fucked up. They're missing out."
They arrived at the pharmacy and Mina scrambled out to run to the bathroom, while Denki and Hanta went inside to purchase a bottle of extra-strength Ibuprofen. Katsuki sat patiently in the car seat, rocking gently back and forth, and Eijirou kept switching the camera back and forth, making a different face each time. Suddenly, Katsuki unbuckled his seat belt and opened the door to climb out.
"Hey, hey, where are you going?"
"Dog."
"What?"
"There's a dog!" Katsuki yelled as he landed unsteadily on the concrete lot. Eijirou hurriedly unbuckled his seatbelt and slid out after him just in time to capture Katsuki lumbering over to a very confused lady walking a Chihuahua puppy. Eijirou hurriedly ran over as she shrunk in on herself.
"Hey, hey, sorry, he just got his wisdom teeth out and is a little out of it," he explained quickly as Katsuki crouched down to inspect the puppy, who was barking loudly and insistently at him. "I think he just wants to see the dog, is that okay?" He made sure to keep her face out of the frame, because that was just the polite thing to do. After Eijirou explained the situation she relaxed and laughed, leaning down to pat the puppy's head reassuringly and ask Katsuki if he wanted to hold it. The boy's red eyes went huge and he nodded dumbly, mouth hanging open and a little blood dripping from the corner of his mouth onto the concrete. "Aw, jeez, you're bleeding everywhere, dude," he laughed and grabbed the front of his shirt to hurriedly wipe at his mouth. Katsuki plunked down on his behind as the woman picked up the Chihuahua, which had calmed down and was wagging its tail furiously, and set it in Katsuki's hands. It was such a small little thing that Katsuki could easily cup it in one big palm. "Hey, thank you, miss, I- Holy shit, Katsuki, are you crying?"
"It's so small," Katsuki whispered as he gently petted the baby Chihuahua's head, tears streaming silently down his cheeks. Eijirou was losing it at that point, trying to hold the camera steady as he wheezed behind it and ran his hand repeatedly through his spiky red hair. "It's so small," Katsuki repeated like he was in awe. The Chihuahua leaned up to begin licking the tears dripping from his chin and he literally began ugly sobbing. Eijirou squatted down because he felt like his legs were about to give out, little giggles leaking out of his chest that felt swelled to the point of bursting.
"Bro- oh my God, this is too fucking funny- bro, bro, you good?"
"It's so smalllllllll!" Katsuki tipped his head back and howled with another ugly sob. Eijirou was crying too at this point, and his flipped the camera around to showcase watery eyes and pink cheeks.
"I'm dying, this it is, guys. This is the last thing I am ever gonna do on this Earth and it is so fucking worth it- Bro, Katsuki. Hey." Katsuki angrily barked "What?!" at him, still cradling the Chihuahua as it began lapping up his tears again. Eijirou didn't know what he was going to saw because he was too busy wheezing and crying. Blearily, Katsuki looked down at the Chihuahua again and hugged it to his chest.
"So small…"
"Eiji? Hey, what are you doing over there?" Eijirou flipped the camera as Mina approached rapidly from within the store.
"Look, look, Mina-!"
"Oh my God! A puppy! Oh my God, is he crying?"
"He's fucking bawling."
"Why?"
"It's so small!" Katsuki yelled at her, and Mina's knees wobbled as she almost collapsed on the spot, laughing hysterically. She had to take a minute to compose herself, and at this point Hanta and Denki came out of the store with a bottle of Ibuprofen and a bottle of vitamin gummies. It took a few minutes to get Katsuki to relinquish the Chihuahua back to its very giddy and entertained owner, but he finally did. The whole time she was walking away Katsuki kept cooing, "Bye-bye small puppy, bye-bye," which left the four of them puddles in the parking lot. Somehow they managed to all get back in the car without pissing themselves laughing. Eijirou held the camera as Mina opened the bottle of vitamin gummies and handed two over to Katsuki.
"Look. Look, buddy, it's your vitamin gummies."
"Fuck yes," Katsuki muttered and plucked them out of Mina's hand. He tried to scoop them into his mouth and missed, and they bounced down into his lap. He didn't seem to realize that and looked around for a second before screaming very shrilly and loudly, which scared everyone in the car shitless. Denki cursed loudly as he jerked the wheel, swerving for a second with screeching tires before righting the car; thankfully the road was empty. He looked back into the camera with a mixture between a scowl and a laugh.
"Give him his fucking vitamin gummies before he makes me crash!"
"Ahahahaha, holy shit, what the hell is happeniiiiiing?" Hanta was howling in the front seat. Snickering, Eijirou hurriedly plucked up the vitamin gummies and put them back in Katsuki's hands.
"Hey, hey, calm down, bud, here they are, right here." Katsuki stared at them a minute before picking one up and nibbling on it, now the epitome of calmness. Mina was back in a fetal position wheezing and crying.
"Eijirou, you'd better send me this goddamn video."
"Oh, it's going on YouTube, definitely. We're going viral, guys."
"WHERE ARE THE FUCKING FISH?"
"Jesus Christ, I can't, oh my God," Eijirou wheezed as he doubled over, holding up the cell phone to record whatever Hanta and Denki were doing in the front seat. Dully, he could hear Mina say "Go left at the next light, Denki." He took a minute to compose himself before flopping back upright, hitting the back of the seat. He flipped the camera around to look in amusement at it.
"This is the best day of my life."
"Idiot! I said go left!" Mina screeched next to him, leaning over the center console to shake Denki's shoulder.
"I did go left!"
"Your other left, dumbass!" Hanta shouted at him. "How did you ever get a drivers' license?!"
"I'm a good driver!" Denki whined as he pulled a U-turn at a turnaround and glared at Hanta. "I just get nervous with so much going on!" Eijirou was making faces in the camera again, just reacting to the hell that was breaking loose in the small camera. His eyebrows began to inch up as he caught ashy blonde hair creeping into the side of the camera view, and then all of a sudden, Katsuki's head thunked against his head.
"Hey, hey, guys, shut up, he's asleep."
"Seriously?" Mina whispered loudly. Denki and Hanta both glanced back and identical grins split their faces. Hanta grabbed his cell phone and snapped a photo, and then grabbed Denki's and did the same.
"Oh, man, this is gold."
"He's so cute!" Denki laughed as he glanced up into the rearview mirror. Eijirou grinned widely and bit his lip, side-eyeing the snoozing Katsuki. His mouth was hanging open, a bit of the drool-and blood-soaked gauze poking out. Eijirou reached up to pat the side of his head.
"Sleep tight, buddy. You had a hard day," he smirked before finally stopping the video recording.
Katsuki woke up just long enough to stumble in the UA dorms and totter to his bedroom, taking a dose of Ibuprofen before passing right out. It took less than five seconds for everyone to scramble down into the common room to watch Eijirou's masterpiece, which he kept having to stop because everyone was cackling and howling too loud to hear the precious audio he had recorded. Aizawa soon came out to ask them what the hell they were laughing so hard about so Eijirou showed him the video too, and even he managed to crack a smile and snort.
The next morning Katsuki awoke groggy but fully functional, with no memory of anything he had said while under the effect of the drugs. He kept getting really mad when they would snicker behind his backs, demanding to know what the hell was so funny, and they all lost their minds when Denki snatched up Mineta and screamed "It's so small!" at the top of his lungs. Katsuki riddled out then that someone had an incriminating video of him, and he chased Eijirou all over the dorms threatening to blow him up unless he let him see it. Eijirou finally relented when he promised not to blow up his phone, and they all gathered in the living room again to see Katsuki's reaction to his drug-induced self.
It was almost as golden as the event himself. He want pale, wide-eyed, hands over his mouth as he watched himself act utterly ridiculous. He jumped up and started shouting obscenities when he got to the part where he started sobbing over the Chihuahua and had to be restrained from destroying the phone by Hanta, Tenya, Fumikage, and Izuku. By the time they finished the video he was red-faced and sucking in heaving breaths, far beyond the point of mortified. Eijirou, between laughs, kept telling him that it was okay and it was all in good fun. He calmed down a bit, muttering something about not putting it on YouTube. Eijirou hadn't after all, thinking it unmanly to do something like that without permission.
But Denki did and it had ten thousand views already. That was a secret until Neito Monoma zoomed up with a plush Chihuahua in hand screaming "It's so small!" and they had to stop Katsuki from jumping on him and tearing him to shreds, and then they had to keep him from killing Denki when he admitted it was he who had put it on YouTube (it now had fifty thousand views and counting).
He came around, after a while, and when he was in an especially good mood or was trying to cheer one of them up, he would stroll casually past a window, hands in his sweatpants pockets, before angrily screaming "Where the fuck are the fish?" It never failed to get them all howling. They also got him vitamin gummies for every holiday they could imagine, without fail, and it got to the point they all had to take them on a daily basis because their dorm cabinet was full of eight bottles or so at any given time. They would randomly snatch up random objects and fake cry yelling "It's so small!" whenever Katsuki was around, and his mood depending on whether he would just flip them the bird or jump at them, palms crackling with mini-explosions.
Needless to say, the video went viral and became the official meme of UA, and it was easily Eijirou's crowing achievement.
Payback sure was a bitch, though, because Katsuki had a devilish grin and phone in hand as Eijirou was going under for his own wisdom tooth surgery… But that's a story for another time.