Febuary Comes In Like a Lion and Out Like a Hurricane, a haikyu/ハイキュー fanfic

Tw: e*ting d*sorders

So before I start, I wanted to explain what this story is about and what it means to me. I struggle with eating disorders. For me, that's just part of my life. And it is for so many people. I touched on this subject with my previous fanfiction, Rules — Bokuaka, but I wanted to write something that really portrays what it's like to live with an eating disorder. There are so many films out there that try to do this and they all fail. They all revolve around upper-class white girls with anorexia or bulimia — all of which get the help they need and recover. I'm not saying that's inherently bad; upper-class white, American, girls and women absolutely DO suffer from these diseases. However, I think it's important that we face the facts and accept that EDs aren't an American girl problem. They're a problem that anyone can run into. I'm a male — does that mean I'm automatically immune to anorexia? No. Man, women, non-binary, black, Asian, Hispanic, it doesn't matter your gender identity, race, or class! Eating disorders affect so many people; so many people that aren't recognised. And they don't all recover, either. So this is my story. It isn't a replica of my story — I didn't find the love of my life because of my ED, but this is my story. I really hope those who take the time to read it can take something from it. Some knowledge, strength, anything. And if you're dealing with similar issues, I hope this can help you realise you're not alone.

Both Bokuto and Akaashi are about two or three years out of uni (Ofc there's the one year age difference)

This fanfiction is going to relate a lot to the song Cosmic Love (Florence the Machine) later on. It won't at first, but I'd highly recommend you listen to it. It will definitely impact the story.

All Bokuto could say was that he was sick. Not the kind of sick that lands you in the pharmacy to get antibiotics — a different kind of sick; a kind of sick that eats away at your already brittle bones.

That much Bokuto knew...

1st August 2019

17:00

He really was a peculiar guy, Bokuto. What with his hair, his eyes, his aura. But all that made him strange was exactly what made him intriguing...

His hair was all tangled when Akaashi first met him; the boy looked messy in general. It wasn't that he was filthy — that wasn't it at all — he was just a frightfully crazy guy. Akaashi found himself in a bit of a situation... what with this stranger who sat next to him on the crowded train. It was afternoon, just going on 17:00 and many were on their way home from their different jobs: Akaashi was one of those many, and while he would usually try to get back home as soon as possible with little interruptions, he couldn't help but be interested in the grey mop-headed mess that he sat with. That grey mop-headed mess wore a baggy hoodie (despite it being summer), jeans, and a thin-looking pair of gloves. Why he was dressed for the early days of winter was beyond Akaashi, but nonetheless, he was an interesting person; Akaashi had to admit. It was truly rare that Akaashi would start a conversation with someone he didn't know, but despite that, he tapped the man's shoulder.

"Are you not hot in that jumper?" He voiced anxiously. But his anxiety slowly diminished when he saw the man's response — he calmly turned his attention to Akaashi with a curious expression and answered, "No, actually... I'm freezing."

"Oh," he followed with a tone that for those who were unfamiliar with him, would suggest he was indifferent, but in reality; he was just mellow.

The response he'd gotten didn't necessarily concern Akaashi at first, but he began to notice how uncomfortable the man looked and just how much he was shivering. And although Akaashi didn't consider it a tremendously compassionate gesture when he offered the man his blazer, the latter clearly thought it was overly generous.

"Oh no, I'm fine, really!" He said, his teeth chattering; to which Akaashi practically shoved the blazer his way.

"That blazer's massive on me anyway, so it's all yours. No need to give it back."

"What's your name anyway?"

The man looked grateful, but also a little hesitant to take Akaashi up in his offer — or rather, his forceful offer. "Oh," he began, "My name's Bokuto Koutarou. You?"

"Akaashi Keiji."

"Blazer guy, got it." Bokuto chirped.

A quiet laugh was shared between the two of them as Akaashi realised that the train had stopped and people were exiting; it was where he needed to get off.

"Well, Bokuto, looks like I have to go," he voiced and stood up slowly.

"Wait!"

Bokuto began fishing through the pocket of his hoodie as pulled out a pen.

"I don't have any paper, but could I give you my number?" He inquired; his eyes almost like a puppy's when they wanted food or were trying to ask like they didn't just take a massive shit on the carpet.

"I don't have paper either, but you could just put it on my phone-"

Bokuto grabbed Akaashi's arm and proceeded to scribble the digits on his wrist — 'so... he's cliché, is he?' Akaashi thought.

"How do you trust I'll contact you?" He asked; looking Bokuto in the eye as if to reinforce his question.

"Because you're the Blazer Guy, duh! You wouldn't leave me hanging!"

And with that, Bokuto stood and moved through the swarm of people to exit the train; not another word was shared.

Well, I guess I don't have a choice now, do I?

After Akaashi made it home, he entered the number into a new contact.

23:30

23:30 message sent to: Bokuto Koutarou

Hey, this is Akaashi. From earlier today. Sorry, I know it's late.

23:30 new message from: Bokuto Koutarou

Npppppp! Hey hey hey blazer guy

23:31 message sent to: Bokuto Koutarou

What're you up to?

23:31 new message from: Bokuto Koutarou

I'm listening to music. by blazer guy????ʕ⁎̯͡⁎ʔ༄

23:31 message sent to: Bokuto Koutarou

I don't know... nothing much. What kind of music do you like?

23:31 new message from: Bokuto Koutarou lots of different kinds!!! listening to mgmt rn what music do u like?!

23:32 message sent to: Bokuto Koutarou

I like the Beatles a lot. I really like Florence the Machine, too.

23:32 new message from: Bokuto Koutarou

OooOooohhhhhHh! so like... hey Jude?

23:33 message sent to: Bokuto Koutarou

Haha yeah, I like Hey Jude. Some of my favourites are probably Strawberry Fields Forever, Let it Be, and Yesterday.

23:33 new message from: Bokuto Koutarou

sickkkk are you free tomorrow???

23:34 message sent to: Bokuto Koutarou

I don't have anything important going on tomorrow, so yes.

23:34 new message from: Bokuto Koutarou

so would you wanna get coffee or something?

23:34 message sent to: Bokuto Koutarou

I guess I'd be up for that.

23:34 new message from: Bokuto Koutarou

Awesome()

Bokuto sent the location and Akaashi set his phone down; what have I gotten myself into... he wondered. Akaashi was never much for friends — he had always lacked in social skills. But he sort of liked Bokuto. He didn't know him... at all... but something about the guy was comforting. Maybe it was his contagiously positive personality, or maybe it was his smile. It could be any number of things. But whatever it was, it interested Akaashi. Maybe, just maybe, he could find a friend in Bokuto. Maybe that's what he really needed; maybe the universe had a plan. There were lots of maybes in this situation and normally that would overwhelm Akaashi, but for whatever reason, he was excited.

2nd August 2019

07:00

It was foggy and a storm was rolling in as Akaashi was just entering the small coffee shop; Bokuto was already sitting by the window with a drink — whatever it was it wasn't visible through the paper cup.

"Morning," Akaashi muttered with a yawn.

Bokuto wore his signature smile and nodded in response — he was, once again, in long sleeves and trousers; which Akaashi still found strange, but he didn't question it.

"What's 'poppin Blazer Guy?" Bokuto asked surprisingly cheerily, given the time.

"My insomnia."

"Felt."

Akaashi stood in line to get his coffee and then sat across from Bokuto.

"So what do you do? What's your job, I mean," Bokuto asked.

Akaashi raised his eyebrows as Bokuto caught his attention and replied,

"Well I'm currently unemployed, but yesterday when I ran into you, I had just had an interview. I'm a journalist."

The answer was dull and straight to the point; a good summary of Akaashi in general.

"Ahh, and so we find the root of your worthy nickname, Blazer Guy."

Akaashi had never been one to smile much. While Buddy the elf claims smiling's his favourite, Akaashi just couldn't agree. Even when he was young, he'd always been terrifically melancholy — his apathy was very visible. He cared... he wasn't completely numb, but he just wasn't wired as a cheery optimist. However, at that moment, Bokuto managed to make him smile. That's right... I'm the blazer guy.

"And you?" He followed.

"I'm a photographer!"

Once again, Bokuto's voice and expression radiated a kind of excitement that Akaashi had never had. He sure was an intriguing guy, Bokuto. Akaashi seemed to notice that more and more.

"That's fascinating. I'd love to see some of your work."

Bokuto jerked his index finger up and fished for something in his pocket — meaning to convey a "one second".

"Here!"

He handed his phone to Akaashi with a file opened; the first photo Akaashi saw was of a sunset from the top of a tall building. The sky was clear, but it must have been terrifically cold because the ground and the buildings below were coated with snow. If Akaashi had been there, he feels certain he wouldn't have thought twice about the view from the roof of that structure — whatever it late have been. But somehow the photo pulled him in as if to say 'maybe you should think twice'.

"That's beautiful... you're really talented, Bokuto-San. You have a good eye."

"It's Bokuto. Just Bokuto is fine. But thank you," he said with a wide smile. He seemed to have so much energy; despite how tired he looked. He was skinny and his eye bags were so noticeable. His lips were cracked and he just looked so... so beaten. And yet that smile kept beaming. It shone a dim light into Akaashi's monotonous world. A monotonous world which hasn't seen very much light in a long time.

It's Bokuto... the words repeated themselves in Alaashi's mind. Just Bokuto. For most people, it wouldn't seem significant at all. Some people even preferred to be called by their given names no matter the status of their relationship with someone. But Akaashi was so used to being told over and over again to show undying respect. He was used to strict rules. He was used to confirming to those strict rules — Bokuto seemed so free. Happy go lucky, if you will.

Akaashi noticed it had begun to rain outside, and based on Bokuto's expression as he looked toward the window, he had too.

"Well shit. I walked here."

"Where'd you come from? I could give you a ride," Akaashi offered.

"Really?! That would be awesome! My apartment's just a few blocks from here."

They ran through the rain to Alaashi's car, getting soaked in the process, and Akaashi went ahead and turned the heat on to warm them up; or rather, to warm Bokuto up.

"Hey, do you mind holding my cup so I can take my jumper off?" Bokuto asked calmly — to which Akaashi nodded and reached out for the cup.

Strangely enough, it felt completely empty... and once he gave it back to Bokuto, he continued to take sips from it. But Akaashi was absolutely certain there couldn't have been anything left in there. It was then that Akashi realised just how unhealthy Bokuto looked; he'd never seen him without a hoodie on. His arms were very thin and his collarbone was very sharp and visible. He looked extremely malnourished. Not only that, but he had light scars all over his arms — Akaashi wasn't a nosy person, but he couldn't say he wasn't concerned. Bokuto continued to shiver and rub his hands against his arms to try and warm up, so Akaashi turned the heat on higher.

"I know your mind is probably racing, but you aren't going to ask. So I'll just tell you anyway, I'm sick," Bokuto said with an expressionless tone. As if he was completely numb and saying the words from routine.

"What-"

"It's not a kind of sick that can be helped, trust me, I've tried."

30th August 2019

They got to know each other better over the month of August. And each time they talked, Akaashi seemed to find more and more things he liked about Bokuto. He liked his smile, he liked his crazy hair that fell in front of his eyes when it got wet, he liked his positivity, and he liked a lot more about him. But there was one thing that he always found himself revisiting:

"It's not a kind of sick that can be helped, trust me, I've tried."

The words had haunted Akaashi ever since that day. He couldn't understand it, but for some reason, he felt like he New Bokuto so well. It had only been a month, but he felt like he'd known the guy forever. And while he had made sure to look after Bokuto since that day, he tried not to pry. Because Akaashi saw right through Bokuto's façade; he saw the myriad of scars — internal and external — and while he had his suspicions, he didn't want to open new wounds by asking questions. He just hoped it wasn't what he thought it was. And other than the one time he'd held that seemingly empty coffee cup, he has no proof.

He didn't ask questions that day in the car outside the coffee shop. But slowly he began to receive answers; whether he noticed them or not. And most of those answers, he didn't notice at first.

For the first half of September, Akaashi was simply getting to know Bokuto better. But fast forward to the middle of the month and Akaashi felt like he'd known Bokuto for years.

He knew that Bokuto loved volleyball, he liked big fluffy blankets and movies, he liked waking up early so he could see the sunrise and then falling back asleep and sleeping until noon, he loved absolutely any form of affection; there was a lot of things Bokuto liked. They had some things in common and they had their differences, but one of Akaashi's favourite things to do with Bokuto was to stay up at night listening to music; for the soul reason that he had so many songs, he associated with Bokuto.

Bokuto didn't mind it when Akaashi shared his favourite bands with him, so Akaashi kept on doing it.

"Hey 'Kaashi?"

"Yes, Bokuto?"

"Do you like rain or snow better"

"I'm not sure, which do you prefer?"

"Well... I like the sounds of the rain, but I like the silence of the snow better."

We all have a hunger; Akaashi immediately thought as he jolted awake — Bokuto was absent as he stared blankly at the windows which show a light blue haze. A dream... he concluded.

We all have a hunger...

Akaashi had decided his hunger was for love... for company and for happiness. For a light.

And he had come to realise that Bokuto had a terrible hunger for pain and starvation. And now, halfway through September, he was seeing that more and more. The way Bokuto ate so heartily and tried so hard to burn calories — this Akaashi hadn't noticed until recently, once he began spending time with Bokuto for longer periods.

Bokuto had a hunger for darkness.

One thing confused Akaashi. And that was Bokuto's smile — which always seemed to adorn his face. His positivity. Akaashi could see how much pain Bokuto was in, but even so, his smile felt so real. He felt so genuine and grateful — it didn't add up. The way Bokuto was such an angel and yet he craved suffering. Whereas Akaashi was a dark and cold person who wanted nothing more than to be happy and loved.

It had been about a month and a half since they met and Akaashi had really grown to like Bokuto. He wasn't exactly sure how he felt about him if he was being honest. He'd had friends before, of course, but Bokuto was different. For Akaashi, it felt like Bokuto was the most important thing in the world to him. He had never had a friend he felt so strongly about. But he saw what Bokuto was doing to himself and he didn't like it. He wanted to help him, but he didn't know how. He was beginning to grasp Bokuto's situation more and more, but he couldn't find the language to put it all too.

There was a knock on the door. At 6:00 in the morning. Who in the world is at my door at 6:00 in the morning?! Akaashi thought as he groggily sat up and put on a pair of jeans because it just seems like manners not to answer the door in your boxers, and when he did open the door, there stood a very tired looking Bokuto.

"Holy shit, why are you at my house at 6 the fuck AM?"

"I had a nightmare."

"You came all the way here... because of a bad dream? You could have just called me if it was that bad?"

"Are you mad?" Bokuto asked very reluctantly; the tone of his voice showing how much he hoped it wasn't true.

"No, I'm just a little, no, very surprised."

"It was a really bad dream, okay?"

Akaashi opened the door wider for Bokuto to come in.

"What was the dream?"

Bokuto followed Akaashi through the hallway to his bedroom and sat on the foot of his bed, while Akaashi got under the blankets.

"I dreamt that you weren't here anymore. And I kept looking for you... but you were just... gone. As if I'd never known you. And I don't know, I guess I was scared."

Bokuto was very visibly cold, as usual, so Akaashi motioned for him to sit next to him under the comforter.

"Well I'm not gone, so you don't have to worry anymore," he said calmly and wrapped his arm around his friend who he could only describe as wintry. What with his grey and black hair, his pale skin and yellow eyes. Like a snowy owl.

"I'm not going anywhere," he said.

A few minutes went by before Akaashi spoke,

"Hey, Bokuto?"

"Yeah?" He replied, half asleep.

"I had a dream too... and it got me thinking... do you like the snow? Or the rain?"

Bokuto moved his head slightly so he could see Akaashi better.

"I like the snow better..." he paused, "because-"

"Because of the silence, right?"

"Y- yeah."

"I like the snow too. It's like... kind of like a brief beautification of the world. It hides its flaws... and for a moment... everything's just still. For a moment, everything just is. It's placid."

"So... you like the snow for all the same reasons I like you."

The words were not a question, but rather a confident statement. A statement Akaashi didn't know how to reply to. So instead he rested his head on Bokuto's shoulder — still searching his vocabulary for a sentence to spit out.

"I don't know how you do it, but miraculously, you make me sound like a genuinely good person."

"But you're more than just a good person... you're compassionate, you're funny, and you're always there. So you're more than a good person, you're like... you're amazing."

Akaashi stumbled over Bokuto's words over and over again and still couldn't understand a single one of them. The way he saw it, he was nothing more than an inhospitable bother.

"Why is it you like the silence of the snow so much?"

"Well if you'd asked me that two months ago, I would say it's because of the sound the snowflakes make when they hit the ground. But now... I'd say it's because it reminds me of you. The forever quiet, Blazer Guy."

With that, Akaashi felt himself fall asleep, and when he woke up, he had his arm wrapped tightly around Bokuto's waste and his face was buried in the crook of his neck.

"Shit, sorry, I guess I fell asleep."

"It's fine, I don't mind," Bokuto replied.

And despite Akaashi apologising, he didn't actually move from the position. He found it too comfortable.

This is odd... he couldn't help but think, this feels so safe.

"Akaashi?"

"Yes?"

"I never told you what my sickness is..."

Bokuto's eyebrows were furrowed and his lips were pursed; when he continued speaking, his voice was quiet and almost seeming to choke him.

"I'm anorexic."

He hung his head low and fidgeted with his shirt — he looked so low. He looked vulnerable.

"I know, Bokuto."

"You do?"

"But I'm going to help you. If it's the last thing I do, I'll help you get better."

"But I'm non-repairable. Like a teacup that's fallen too many times to count. You can glue the pieces back together, but it's never as strong. And the more it cracks, the harder it is to fix. And eventually, it's simply too brittle to mend."

"There's a flaw with that analogy," Akaashi mumbled; his voice cracking with pain. He hated seeing Bokuto like this. It killed him.

"Where's the flaw?"

"You're not a teacup."

1st October 2019

We're all made up of... well... star stuff. Carl Sagan said that himself. But even though we're all made up of the same kinds of matter and even though that matter all derived from the same place, Bokuto always seemed especially bright to Akaashi. Like he was the star-like he was a beautifully bright flake of snow that danced through the world with grace and happiness; a star in the middle of a snowstorm. That's what Akaashi had decided to define him as. But those lights he emitted were slowly getting dimmer and all the while, Bokuto kept getting thinner. Akaashi noticed this, but he kept running into dead ends at how to help.

How was he supposed to cure this sickness of Bokuto's...

"Akaashi?" Bokuto tapped his shoulder and waved a hand in front of him.

"You in there?" He asked, a little concerned as to why Akaashi was spacing out.

"Huh?" Akaashi shot his eyes open to see Bokuto, who was very close to his face, with furrowed eyebrows and his lips pursed.

"Yeah, just a little tired," he said.

Bokuto's arms were shaking as they watched a film

in Akaashi's bedroom — it really worried Akaashi.

"What'd you say this film was called, again?" Bokuto asked.

"Yesterday."

"Oh, right. Because it's The Beatles, duh."

Akaashi laughed at his response and pushed the blanket to his feet before standing up.

"Be right back," he said, walking towards the door, "No need to pause it, I've seen this film before."

Akaashi walked across the hallway to the kitchen and when he came back, he had a bowl of crappy old soup and bread; not desirable, but better than nothing.

"What've you got there, Kaashi?" Bokuto cocked his eyebrow and tilted his head in curiosity... like a dog or an owl, or any animal for the matter.

"Soup and we're sharing it," Akaashi replied hesitantly.

Bokuto's expression immediately wiped clean and shifted to a nervous sort of look. "I- I can't, though," he said.

"That's why I'm going to help you. You can do it. Whatever those voices are saying in your head, they aren't you. You don't have to listen to them. Fuck them. It's your body, not their's... and you're perfect." Akaashi sat down next to Bokuto, holding the soup in his lap after pulling a blanket up to his waist, and wrapped an arm around Bokuto so he could get more of his attention. "Come on, Bokuto," Akaashi stated quietly as he held out a bit of bread.

"Please just... try."

Reluctantly, Bokuto took a small bite of the bread, so Akaashi handed him the spoon full of soup, which he also swallowed — though very cautiously. Almost as if the food was going to jump at him with knives at any moment.

"See? It's just food, it's not poison," Akaashi said as he continued to coax Bokuto to eat.

"Of course not; the poison is the aftermaths."

The tone Bokuto spoke in was so nonchalant and natural and it broke Akaashi. It broke him to know how accustomed Bokuto was to his disease. It broke him to know that Bokuto didn't think twice about starvation — about low blood pressure, physical numbness; about all that came with what he was doing to himself. It killed Akaashi in more ways than one and he wanted so desperately to fix Bokuto... he wanted to help him, but how could he do such a thing? Akaashi didn't know much about eating disorders, but he'd experienced depression throughout his life. He knew there was no direct cure to those sort of things. He didn't want to lose Bokuto.

Akaashi handed the bowl to Bokuto and rested his head on his chest, "Please, just try," he said and held onto Bokuto's free arm. "Please."

Akaashi choked on the last words due to the tears he'd shed; those words seemed to be stuck deep in the back of his throat and unwilling to come out.

6th October 2019

Akaashi was, not surprisingly, with Bokuto and they were listening to music in Bokuto's room. Akaashi had finally gotten a job with a company in the senior editorial area. He didn't start work until Tuesday; it was currently a Sunday, so Bokuto had offered for Akaashi to stay at his house for the night. Akaashi had slowly begun to grow closer to Bokuto; he wasn't sure exactly what I was he felt for the guy. He felt like he loved him, but he wasn't sure exactly how. Did he see Bokuto as a good friend? The brother he never had? Or possibly something more than that? He stumbled over the query time and time again. He knew this: he loved the way Bokuto's eyes lit up when he was excited, he loved how his hair flopped in front of his eyes when it was wet or when he slept and messed it up, he loved his hugs. He really loved that about Bokuto — it had to be one of his favourite things. But even more than his hugs, Akaashi loved the way Bokuto resembled a starry night sky. For the most part, there's nothing that spectacular, but if you actually pay attention to it, you realise just how miraculous it is. How bright it is. That's what Akaashi loved most about Bokuto; his resemblance to a star... bright and inspiring.

Akaashi had his head comfortably burrowed in Bokuto's shoulder. He didn't know exactly what compelled him to be so affectionate, he'd never been like this with a friend before, but he liked the feeling of safety it gave him. He liked Bokuto's warmth and he liked feeling his breathing. It calmed him.

Suddenly, a song that Akaashi new very well began playing:

A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes

I scream aloud as it tore through them and now it's left me blind...

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out.

You left me in the dark.

No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight;

In the shadow of your heart.

It hit Akaashi like a bolt of lightning, like a train, a lorry, anything heavy and life-changing; it made him think of Bokuto.

Bokuto, the stranger who made the world slow down, the stranger who made the stars shine brighter, the stranger who lifted him into space... where everything was beautiful and calming — Bokuto, the stranger who stole his heart, whatever way it was that he stole it, he held it captive as closely to his own heart as he could.

It made him wonder: what kind of person could be that intriguing? What kind of person could actually accomplish such a thing? What kind of person could make Akaashi feel this way? It seemed like he knew Bokuto very well already, which was a rare occurrence for Akaashi, who didn't like getting close to people very often; but it also seemed like Bokuto was changing. And Akaashi knew it was true — Bokuto was changing, he was lying, he was deceiving Akaashi into thinking his situation was sustainable... when Akaashi knew it wasn't. It seemed like Bokuto was blind to himself; like Akaashi saw parts of him that he wouldn't be able to see until the future.

"Bokuto?" Akaashi didn't move, but he spoke as clearly as he could, what with being berried in Bokuto's shoulder, arm; whatever you'd classify the embrace as.

"Yeah, Kaashi?"

"You are... you, aren't you?"

"What do you mean?" Bokuto asked, clearly confused.

"I mean are you genuine... are you yourself..." Akaashi answered wearily and trailed off in the end.

"I'll always be me. How could I be anyone else?"

"But how can you be so happy with what you go through? Why is it fair that you have to deal with all this shit in the first place?"

"It's not... it never was and never will be... but what will sulking achieve? This is my life now and if I can't accept that, then well, I'm not accepting myself. That seems even less fair to me."

Akaashi didn't know how to reply to that, but he did know one thing. Whatever it was that drove Bokuto to do what he was doing, it wasn't Bokuto. But how would Akaashi prove that to him? He held onto Bokuto tightly and tried not to let the tears slip down his cheeks — how would he ever prove to Bokuto just how amazing he was? How would he show him that he was perfect; that he needed to let himself let go of all the urges and let himself grow back to a healthy human being? That's right, Bokuto couldn't grow back... not on his own. Like how a plant needed to be watered and exposed to the sun to grow, Bokuto needed nourishment.

Akaashi thought:

I keep trying to number the stars that make up Bokuto... but the numbers keep declining. So... I guess I'll just have to gather the right amount to re-define him. I'll number the stars for him.

12th October 2019

The rain hit the window, causing placid energy to settle over the room; groggily, Akaashi shifted slightly in the process of waking up. He'd been staying at Bokuto's a lot recently — workdays and weekends. In the beginning, Bokuto had offered for Akaashi to sleep in his bed and for him to sleep on the sofa, but soon enough they realised that idea was pointless; they both seemed to fall asleep in Bokuto's room, whether it be during a tv programme while listening to music, or anything, really. Akaashi was hugging Bokuto when he woke up... but they were both wearing socks... so it was totally fine. A few weeks ago, Akaashi probably would have jumped back in surprise and apologised for being inappropriate or weird, but by then, he really didn't care; it seemed normal to him and Bokuto. Akaashi gripped Bokuto's shirt gently as he lifted his head a little to see the time.

"Morning," Bokuto stated.

"Did I wake you up?" Akaashi wore a concerned expression as he spoke.

"Nah, I woke up... well, damn, I guess like an hour ago." Bokuto pulled the blanket up a little further and shifted slightly to a more comfortable position; he was shivering, Akaashi could tell — he must've been cold.

"And you stayed here the whole time?"

"Yup," Bokuto answered brightly.

Akaashi sat up and reached for another blanket that he'd remembered seeing on the floor the previous night and spread it out for Bokuto. "Here," he said, "You look cold."

Bokuto accepted graciously and snuggled close to the extra blanket; Akaashi had to admit, it was kind of cute. And usually, he would pick on Bokuto for being so cold all the time. Not much, just a little. Like a simple, 'you eccentrically cold-blooded maniac.' Maybe a little wordy, but then again, he was a writer. But no... he'd never picked fun at Bokuto's seemingly permanent coldness because he knew what was causing it. He lay back down close to Bokuto; luckily, it was a Saturday, so Akaashi didn't have work. Since Bokuto was a photographer, his schedule was very... well, non-existent. Akaashi loved accompanying Bokuto when he went to take pictures; he did so very often. Sometimes Bokuto would have him help with a shot, sometimes he'd ask for Akaashi to be part of the shot, sometimes he'd direct Akaashi to take the shot, and sometimes Akaashi just watched and admired Bokuto's persistence. He would do just about anything for a good picture and Akaashi loved that about Bokuto.

"Where are you going for pictures today?" Akaashi asked.

"Hmm..." Bokuto hesitated, "Maybe the ocean. You tagging along?" Bokuto didn't look towards Akaashi since he had his head rested on the latter's, but his voice was directed to Akaashi just as well.

"Yeah," Akaashi replied happily — sleepily, but still, happily.

"Can I make you some breakfast that you could try to eat?"

Bokuto had been doing a little better since Akaashi started making him food. Whether it was because Bokuto didn't want to waste the supplies or any other reason, Akaashi was just happy that he was making progress.

"I guess I could try a little fruit... maybe."

"Got it," Akaashi confirmed as he got up slowly and headed toward the kitchen.

Fruit, he thought. He opened the fridge and saw some grapes and raspberries. Fruit's not quite enough... There was a very old tub of yoghurt that didn't appear to have been opened; Akaashi peeled the top off and tasted it to make sure it was still good, which it was. He poured some of the grapes and raspberries in and brought it back to Bokuto.

"If you can't finish the yoghurt, fine, but try, please," he reasoned.

Bokuto winced, but took the bowl anyway, and took a small bite. "Thank you," Bokuto said as he tilted his head back on the pillow — he did that when he was stressed. In response, Akaashi sat back down next to him and shared some of his blankets with Bokuto. Bokuto liked having multiple blankets rather than bulky ones — Akaashi's best guess was that it made him feel safe... maybe he liked that feeling of closure and being surrounded by something.

"Do you want to go soon?" Akaashi asked quietly after seeing that Bokuto had eaten more of his yoghurt than he'd expected.

Bokuto being Bokuto, replied with a wide grin; although unlike usual, that smile diminished to a painful frown. Akaashi noticed Bokuto's eyes watering up and slowly tears began to fall down his cheeks.

"Akaashi..." he mumbled, "Why- why am I like this?"

Akaashi frowned at the question and before saying anything, held Bokuto in an embrace.

"The real question is why are some people lucky enough to be okay." Akaashi felt Bokuto shiver — because life is a rollercoaster... some people have an amazing time... and some people can't handle it.

"Don't leave... please," Bokuto spoke, his voice trembling and quiet.

"I'm not going anywhere, Bokuto."

"Promise?"

"I promise," he reassured and gently rubbed Bokuto's back in an effort for some kind of comfort.

"I can't finish it."

Akaashi knew what he meant; even though he wasn't pointing or gesturing toward the bowl of yoghurt, Akaashi knew that's what he meant. He reached for the spoon and lifted it towards Bokuto, "Come on, there's not much left in the bowl," he said.

Bokuto reluctantly opened his mouth and stomached the last few bites of his breakfast; he felt pretty stupid — like he was a toddler or something.

"Are you not weirded out by that?" He asked.

"Why would I be weirded out by it?" Akaashi shot back at him.

"Well you're literally feeding me... we both grown men, shouldn't that be weird?"

"It isn't weird to help someone get over a cold, so why should it be weird for me to help you get past your eating disorder?"

Bokuto's eyes widened a bit at the reply; he seemed a little exasperated.

"Why do you care so much?"

"There's a lot of reasons, Bokuto."

"Well, what's one?"

"Well... you make the world a little easier to endure. I owe it to you to help you."

They were taking photos near the ocean as Bokuto had suggested; it was getting chilly, but even so, Bokuto admired the ocean for quite some time in between shots. Bokuto had some sort of attachment to the ocean.

"Kaashi, can you sit on the edge of the wall?" Bokuto asked while he raised his camera to his left eye. Akaashi nodded and did as requested.

"Perfect, now just do anything. The more random, the better." He took a few photos before moving to a different angle. "You know," he stated, "The best trick to photography is pretty simple: make it seem like the person didn't even know they were being photographed. Or better yet, take the picture without them knowing. That's always when you get the best shots."

"How you can pull this off and still not know how to make ramen is beyond me," Akaashi said with a giggle; he let a smile rest upon his expression for a moment, but soon he relaxed again. Bokuto laughed in return but didn't say anything at first.

"Well, I don't always take good pictures."

"All the pictures I've seen have been beautiful," Akaashi stated.

"What can I say, you're... photogenic. And other than that, you're inspiring. It's hard not to take a good picture when you're around; whether you're in it or not."

"Learn how to make some fucking ramen and maybe I'll compliment you." A dark blush adorned Akaashi's face then, so unsurprisingly, he retorted his words to try and cover up his embarrassment.

"Harsh."

Bokuto kept snapping photos and every now and then Akaashi would shift his position, either that or Bokuto would ask him to go somewhere or do something. "Hey," Bokuto said, "Can you do something real quick?" Akaashi only nodded.

"Okay... just take a few pictures of anything you'd like. Anything at all. Try to capture your perspective of your surroundings."

Akaashi was a little confused as to what this would achieve, but he did it anyway. He took a picture of a little ant on the wall he'd been sitting on; the ant had some sort of crumb it was carrying. He took a picture of the water and rocks below, he took a few pictures of the stairs that led back to the street from where they were — the view in the top of the frame was filled with pedestrians going who knows where... all different places. Akaashi handed the camera back to Bokuto, who analysed the photos and proceeded to take more.

"What was that for?" Akaashi asked with a grin and a laugh.

"Well, it helps me get a better understanding of how you perceive the world... and that helps me capture you better in pictures. It's a little hard to explain."

"So..." Akaashi started, "You're basically trying to take a picture of me as if you are me? And therefore I'll seem more... real... or just more like, well, me?"

"Yeah, basically. You seem to understand the concept pretty well!" Bokuto said excitedly.

"Maybe you should ditch the writing and be my sidekick in crime!"

"Sure, Bokuto. Sure."

Bokuto wore a wide grin as he let his camera hang from his neck and sat down on the wall next to Akaashi — overlooking the ocean. He looked at Akaashi for quite a while; his gaze wasn't intense at all like you'd probably expect such a state to be, but it was actually quite calm and contagiously positive. Just about everything Bokuto did, it infected Akaashi with a kind of optimism he'd never felt before. Even if the day was gloomy and even if Akaashi was feeling out of it, Bokuto always lit up the world. Sometimes just a little bit and sometimes an overwhelming amount... but he always did.

Akaashi let out a small laugh and his lips lifted into a barley noticeable grin, "You stare at me quite a lot," he said.

"Well, how can I not? You're radiant."

His words were so calm and to the point; there as seemingly no hesitation in them.

"Bokuto! Don't say things like that... it's embarrassing."

"So? It's not there's anyone to hear me. So let me restate myself: Akaashi Keiji, you're like... pretty and stuff; I really want to think of the right word for you, but I'm dumb. God, I should have focussed more in school when I had the chance! You're, you're- like... well you're kind of like the moon... like, you're bright, but not too bright, um. You're-"

"Bokuto... I think you should stop trying to think of words or you'll have an aneurysm."

Akaashi turned his head to face Bokuto and, after much reluctancy, slowly decided on pressing his forehead against Bokuto's. "But for what it's worth," he said hoarsely, as he was very nervous, "I think you're very... pretty as well." Pretty wasn't the right word, it made Akaashi think. More like... incandescent, beautiful, and lovely. Akaashi noticed his heart rate quicken — had he really just said that? And was he really this close to Bokuto? It almost felt like the world had stopped in that one moment.

It seemed like he was falling endlessly; completely and utterly out of control, but thrilled.

"And... Koutarou... can I call you Koutarou-"

Bokuto didn't reply verbally, but he nodded gently with a smile (and something like a blush).

"Well then, Koutarou, I think you're... well, I think you're beautiful and I will keep thinking that regardless of what you look like. I think you deserve to be healthy... you deserve to get better, Koutarou, you deserve so much more than that. You deserve the stars, but I can't rightly reach those, so please, let me help. Let me mend those pieces together... the pieces you've lost... let me give those pieces back to you." Akaashi spat the words out slowly, but with some sort of strong presence to it.

Then he felt it: Bokuto's arms wrapped tightly around his back and neck, "Okay." He said, beginning to cry.

Akaashi cautiously wrapped his arms around Bokuto as well; it seemed like if he held him too tightly, he would break — shatter into a million pieces and slide in all different directions across the floor... impossible to clean up. Bokuto was very visibly frail, but Akaashi could tell even more by feeling his prominent vertu get through that hoodie of his — god... how did he get to that point? Just how much had he put his body through? He had to be at least 50 pounds underweight... probably more. Did he throw up the little food he actually ate? What was going on through his head? Those voices he'd heard about... voices he'd experienced, even if it was for different reasons, just what were they doing to Bokuto? What could be so persuasive to make Bokuto starve himself?

Starvation: suffering or death by hunger.

Bokuto was on a dangerous path and the ultimate destination was death... if he didn't turn back soon, he would die.

And Akaashi was stunned by the feeling those facts brought with them; he had barely known Bokuto for a month and a half... and yet, he felt he could fall in love with him. He knew full well what that entailed — the risks... He knew that Bokuto was out on a limb. But he didn't care. He couldn't walk away now; he was tethered to Bokuto by a set of strings that were strong enough to hold a whole universe together... maybe, Akaashi admitted to himself, maybe Bokuto is my universe.

Bokuto started getting better very, very, slowly... at first. It seemed like October was a good month for him; hard, but beneficial. Akaashi tried his absolute hardest to find the missing stars that Bokuto had lost; that he had cried out and hadn't been able to regain. He tried to number those stars and pour them back to Bokuto — to make him whole again. For a while, it seemed it would work. Maybe it was sustainable, the system they had.

Bokuto lost those stars that made him up one by one until finally, they were falling away like shooting stars. But hopefully, Akaashi could catch them before they got too far. If only he knew how much of an impact just one star would make, should he let it slip away?

Sometimes, stars die and that's what allows new stars to be born. The matter that's leftover from a supernova explosion is slowly pact together over millions of years to make a whole new star; at first, the star appears to lose and somewhat wonky, but over time, it forms the sort of star we see in our minds when we think of our sun. The reason stars die is because it burns up its nuclear fuel — the bigger the star, the faster it dies. Once the fuel is all gone, the star collapses. But that matter doesn't just vanish, it scatters through space to make new celestial bodies.

But how is this relevant?

It had come to Akaashi's attention that human life was much like a star's life. You're born, you live, you die. There's only so much life in you; only so much fight... only so much you can take and only so much you can give. Once that's gone, you're gone. But maybe, and Akaashi had put much thought into the matter (pun not intended), maybe humans were more like stars than you would imagine... maybe they left a bigger impact after death than they did during life. When a star is alive, it can offer a lot to the universe; but when it dies, it can create whole new stars, planets, and so much more — maybe that was more important... more inexplicable and magical than simply existing in the first place. So that begs the question: what happens when a person dies? And to Akaashi, that wasn't a matter of heaven, hell, or something completely different... it wasn't a matter of "what happens to a person after they're dead". When Akaashi wondered what happened after a person's death, he wondered what happened to the world. What does the person leave on earth after they're gone? Chemistry tells us that matter cannot disappear, so can people? Sure, people are living creatures, but we're made up of stardust.

We're made up of stars... and stars don't disappear even after they die.

5th November 2019

Akaashi heard his phone ring, which woke him up abruptly; he quickly answered it after seeing it was Bokuto.

"Bloody- do you have any idea what time it is?"

"Yes, now come open the door, I'm freezing my ass off out here."

"You're... why are you at my door right now?"

"Open it and you'll see why!" Bokuto's voice was as bright as always — it stunned Akaashi that he could be this energetic at such a time.

Akaashi hung up the phone without another word and made his way to the door, which he promptly opened to see a rosy-cheeked Bokuto. "So, why exactly are you here?" He inquired.

"Turn the light on and see!"

Akaashi pulled Bokuto inside before turning the light on outside his apartment door; once he did, it revealed a flurry of snow. A flurry... in November. It hardly snowed in Tokyo, to begin with, but in November? That was more than unusual. In fact, Akaashi couldn't think of a single time it snowed in November during his lifetime.

"Oh... wow," he mumbled, "But did you really have to walk all the way here? Christ, Bokuto, you could get sick."

"So? It was worth it. I would like some blankets right about now, though," he replied with a yawn.

Akaashi flicked the light off, closed and locked the door, and took Bokuto's hand as he walked back to his room. "Well, come on then," he said. Bokuto, who wore a wide grin, didn't protest.

Akaashi laid back in his bed and motioned for Bokuto to lay next to him, handing him a few extra blankets through the process.

"Thanks, Keiji," Bokuto said with a noticeable yawn, which was cut short in surprise — he'd never called Akaashi by his isolated given name, "Oh- sorry-" He began to say.

"It's alright if you call me Keiji, Bokuto," Akaashi interrupted; internally relieved that the lamp was off so Bokuto wouldn't see the blush that quite obviously covered his face.

"Oh, okay," Bokuto chocked up in a mutter.

Akaashi lay close to Bokuto and closed his eyes, but sleep didn't come very easily. For whatever reason, he was uneasy... even with Bokuto's presence. When he finally did fall asleep, however, he found himself in a lucid dream. He was floating in space — stars all around him and some sort of nebula — he saw a figure in the distance, and somehow, he grew closer to it. As he neared the figure, he realised it was Bokuto; he was grinning, but something wasn't right. The closer Akaashi got to him, the more horrifying his body seemed. His ribs were very prominent, along with his collarbone and hips, his legs and arms were exceedingly thin, and his stomach was caving into practically nothing. His cheekbones were sharp and overall, he was simply skin and bone: a skeleton. This couldn't be Bokuto. It wasn't the Bokuto Akaashi knew.

All the stars and gases that floated around aimlessly went dark and all Akaashi could see was Bokuto's frail body and something behind him. It was large and... alive. His heart. It was Bokuto's heart. Only it was barely beating... until it wasn't beating at all. That was when Bokuto's smile vanished and his lips were simply expressionless. Akaashi inched Closer to him, captured in the shadow of his heart, and he saw the stars drain from him — more metaphorically than literally. When he was close enough, he lifted his arm and closed Bokuto's eyelids before hugging his lifeless body tightly. He felt cold and stiff and his usual positivity and radiancy were absent.

And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat;

I tried to find the sound.

But then it stopped, and I was in the darkness,

So darkness I became.

Maybe he would stay in the darkness for a while. In the darkness, where it was safe... in darkness, where he didn't have to leave Bokuto.

But it was just a dream, right? It didn't feel like a dream. He opened his eyes and jolted forward, sitting up, and let out a violent sob.

"Are you still there?" He tried to say, but the words ended up jumbled and only half coherent. Still, Bokuto understood them. Akaashi wasn't sure if he'd also fallen asleep, or if he was lying awake the whole time. It could easily be either one.

"Hey, what's wrong? Nightmare?"

"Are- are you still here?" Akaashi repeated; it was all he could manage to say.

"Yes, I'm still here," Bokuto said placidly as he wrapped his arms around Akaashi. That was the first thing to bring Akaashi back to his senses — all that could convince him that Bokuto was alive. And for the first time in a long time, he let himself cry. Really cry. Not the kind of cry you let occur when you hurt yourself, not the kind of cry a little kidlets out when they drop an ice cream cone; no, this was a heartbreak kind of cry.

This wasn't like Akaashi. He didn't grow attachments to people. He didn't dwell on the death of a person because he knew that whatever happened... well, happened. He couldn't change that. But this... this was clearly different. Bokuto was clearly different.

20th November 2019

Bokuto was actually getting better over the weeks; he was more comfortable eating at least a little more and he'd probably gained a little bit of weight. If not that, he at least wasn't losing any more weight. Akaashi was hopeful that Bokuto could actually make a full recovery — he seemed to have the determination for it.

It was called that night and Bokuto had suggested that he and Akaashi stay up late to see the meteor shower which was supposed to occur later on. Akaashi, who had always been interested in astronomy (for whatever reason; he wasn't too sure), didn't oppose.

They were sitting on the roof of Akaashi's apartment building waiting for the first "stars" to fall. Akaashi had brought up an abundance of blankets for Bokuto and a jumper for himself.

"Why is it you like the stars, Keiji?"

"It's a little complicated."

"Try me," Bokuto said with a grin.

"Well, trillions of years ago, the universe was literally smaller than the top of a pen. And I mean... if you took the tip of that pen and split it up like a pie into a thousand little pieces, that would be about the right size."

"Okay... wow... but what does that have to do with you liking stars?"

"I wasn't finished! So, all the energy and matter that occupied that tiny space began to expand rapidly. In less than a second, it basically just went... boom and formed the universe. All the matter that makes up the stars and the planets, the asteroids, the meteors that we're about to see, you name it; all of that matter is the basis of our existence. So I guess the reason I like the stars because we're sort of made up of them." Akaashi ended his schpiel with a grin.

"I got like... almost none of that, but you're telling me that we're made of space shit, and you're smart, so I'm just going to believe you," Bokuto concluded, making Akaashi laugh. "Basically," he confirmed.

The first meteor shot across the sky, earning a "Woah" from the very curious Bokuto, who gazed at the landscape above them in child-like wonder.

"Pretty cool, isn't it?" Akaashi stated as he watched the meteors fall across the sky.

"It's beautiful! Like, almost as beautiful as you!"

The statement was blunt and energetic, none too surprising, but it took Akaashi aback — an average occurrence for both of them.

"You're always stating your mind. I admire you for that," he admitted.

"Well if it's true, why shouldn't I tell you?

"I don't know." Akaashi rested his head on Bokuto's shoulder, though reluctantly, and murmured, "Is this okay?"

"Yeah," Bokuto replied quietly as he copied Alaashi's action.

Cosmic love. Akaashi was starting to figure out more about his feelings for Bokuto. Just how did he love him? He wasn't sure of that, but he knew he had an overwhelming amount of love for him. He was in space, among the stars, and trapped in the shadow of Bokuto's heart. Only it wasn't claustrophobic and he didn't want to escape; he didn't need to because it was warm, it was comfortable, it was safe... it was like a second home to him.

It was hard to believe that Bokuto was no one to him only a few months ago. Bokuto, the shivering stranger on a train that he'd just happened to engage with for the shortest moment. The stranger he never knew would matter this much. The stranger he never knew he would love. The stranger who wasn't only made up of stars, but was a star.

But sometimes stars die.

4th January 2020

(I know COVID-19 was already a big problem at this point, but I'm putting that aside to follow a personal timeline I decided to follow for this story, so we're imagining corona doesn't exist)

10% of people affected by eating disorders don't recover; they die. The fatality rates of anorexia easily compare to that of cancer in adolescents,

Akaashi typed into his document. He'd made progress on his editorial after deciding to write and spread awareness about the very thing that ate away at Bokuto.

Bokuto had been going through ups and downs — he would do well for a while and relapse badly. All Akaashi could really do was be there to support him through it. It was a scary process for both of them, but then again, life was scary.

It was getting very cold by the start of January and while Bokuto was excited about snow — which was coming little by little — he didn't do well with the temperatures.

New message from: Bokuto Koutarou hey hey hey! getting back today:) can't wait to see you!!!