Chapter 37 - Private Emotions.
Elie's POV
I couldn't just believe what had happened.
The whole thing seemed like… a tremendous nightmare. First, Reno getting shot because of me, then the whole thing afterwards.
I had never felt so despaired in life.
I sighed, lingering in the middle of… his room. I looked down, and my dress looked like a strangled cry. Red all over, blood that belonged to Reno. The smell of dry blood nauseated me.
I looked around, lost in the monochromatic tones. It was all black and white, like a comic book. The only thing flashing color here was me - and sadly, not for the best reasons.
Gosh, what was this man doing to me?
His actions confused me, made me feel torn. He held me one minute, tender and supportive, only to destroy everything afterwards.
It had felt so nice and liberating finding support on him. That hug on the bathroom had been my undoing. In the middle of my misery, all I could think about was his form, his temperature, his smell. This arms engulfing me, the sensation stealing my coherence away.
He was so damn tempting.
The moment he took his coat off I almost fainted. Come on - he, Sephiroht, offering? It seemed unreal. All of it. His words, his actions, his… touch. Without gloves, with that white shirt he had on, now dirty with blood as well.
My mind hadn't come to terms with it - it had been simply too much to process. And then, all that aggressive exchange of words. He had made me snap, really. Why had he behaved like a cruel bastard?
His justifications were ludicrous and the way he held me… actually made my insides tingle. His sudden move, all that unadverted stroking had me wishing things totally unwise.
His hot breath, whispering at my ear, made me shiver, and all I could picture was him turning me to face him and… kissing me. The thought frightened me, because I had never considered such thought so… openly. Until now.
Until this moment.
His eyes told me things so different from his mouth. His harsh language contradicted the swift glances of tenderness he gave me.
In this war of wills, no one would win. So I decided to shut up and do as he said. Not that I wanted to, but I did so.
And now, here I was.
In his room. Alone.
I took my time exploring the suite. The room was wide and the bathroom associated with it had a very modern touch. The shower was a continuum of the tiled floor, strategically designed. All of it looked pure and squeaky clean, so white it almost blinded me. Neon-like lights decorated the area and I considered showering.
After all, if I was going to sleep here, a shower was needed, to take all the blood off me. Softly, I removed my dress, underwear, standing in the middle of the bathroom completely naked.
The floor felt cold beneath my feet and I searched for a towel.
I put the water running, testing the mechanism. Gladly, it was quite obvious and in seconds, warm water hit my hand. In that moment, I finally dared to walk inside his shower.
It was so huge, enormous to one person only. There was space to 4 of me in here.
A comforting shower followed, and my mind drifted.
I simply couldn't come to terms with the fact I was in his apartment. His house, his bedroom. The perspective of him invading his own room made me shiver. Would he dare? Just like he did sometimes, with all the holding.
Did he want me?
The mental question plagued me, and my body wanted to believe he did. But my rationality blocked that thought. Sephiroth was a man of many mysteries and I had the feeling I was getting under his skin.
And it frightened the hell out of me - in the same magnitude it excited me.
I sighed, closing my eyes and angling my face towards the warm spray of water. It felt so relaxing, so… calming. The fragrance of the shower gel was typically male, and I realized I would go to bed smelling like he used to sometimes.
I closed the water spray and made my way out of shower, the white fluffy tissue smelling of soft talc.
Jesus, he's got taste, I concluded. No matter what, as I dived into his personal world, everything would surprise me, all of it would be a revelation.
I took care of my hair, easily finding a hair-dryer. With shaky footsteps I walked inside the bedroom again, the towel still wrapped around me. I looked around, closing my eyes as I realized I would have to invade his closet to find clothes to dress in.
I just want to find some boxers and a t-shirt or something.
It was a fact I didn't enjoy what I was about to do. If felt rude and inadequate, but then again I couldn't just sleep in the nude. Not in his bed.
And besides, he had given me permission to do so.
So, after a deep breath, I gathered some strength and decided to go for the closet. Inside, all the clothing was very uniform, very alike and the tones were all along the lines of black, white and several tones of grey.
Inside the drawers I found underwear, and took ones that wouldn't made me look like I was wearing a skirt. Which would prove difficult, as well as the prospect of finding a t-shirt.
I couldn't find one, so I decided I would wear a white shirt instead. There were many, which eased my decision.
The cotton was cold but soft, and I buttoned it, feeling like a child using grown-up clothing. I left the closet area and went for the bed. I stopped dead on my tracks as I scanned his bed.
It was huge and so adequate for a man like him. Secretly I wondered if he had ever brought someone here with him. Who would be the woman fitted to share his bed with? Would there be any?
In a dark corner of mine, I dared to think if he would ever consider me. I personally didn't think so, but the nature of my feelings and worry for him had changed nature.
Each day that passed I saw him more like a very desirable man, someone that made my stomach flutter. Secretly I desired him, wanted to know him better, wanted to find out how his mouth tasted, how his skin felt like against mine.
I knew it was sinful to think that way, but I couldn't lie to myself anymore.
I had fallen for him.
It was obvious now.
My feet took me to the headboard of the bed. I arranged the sheets, and took a pillow. First I sat on the sheets, and finally I decided to dive in.
Only to shiver in anticipation. The bed smelled like him - all over. It was his essence concentrated, and I wondered if I had taken his pillow from the others available. I sniffed the cotton, closing my eyes and cuddling myself.
God, how I wanted him to be here now.
My mind, totally freed from inhibitions, made me smile. How frisky was I, lately? Knowing I couldn't and wouldn't have him near to me - simply because that was a very silly and unlikely scenario, I just took in what I had available: the perspective of having him close.
It was enough for me.
For now.
Sephiroth's POV
I remained in the dark, staring at the ceiling, resting on that bed.
My fix had left - thankfully, and I couldn't feel more frustrated. Frustrated, because it had been releasing, some tension had been freed, but I was far from satisfied.
My mind was playing tricks on me. I thought - honestly, I did think that imagining would suffice. I had the body, in which I could project what my mind wanted. But it didn't work that well. The woman I had had available was different - her skin felt different, smelled different, and I couldn't just…
I just couldn't. It didn't work, sadly.
I had tried, I really did - for several times. But all I achieved were some moments of residual gratification and a spent woman, tired and unable to satisfy me.
She had walked away in silence and had obeyed me - much to my gratification. Hojo knew how to pick them. He did it in a way to protect my identity.
And even if I hated him, suspected him of being Steven's attacker, I depended on him over many things. He had me - an invisible line attached me to him, what could eventually work in my favor. If I kept behaving like I usually did, the thought of me suspecting him wouldn't cross his mind. And, who knew, maybe I would catch him with his guard down.
If Hojo was indeed the one behind Stevens' attempts… I had to do things wisely to get him.
Speaking of which.
The thought of her bothered me and all I could think about was… getting inside my bedroom with her.
For Gaia, the things I would do to her if I- Just stop right there.
My mind had to put a break. I took a deep breath and gathered some control. I had to control myself - I didn't want to be a freak. Was I?
The smell all over the room sickened me. It was tainted and foreign, and all I could think about was to… take it all away. Which would involve water, soap and a different place to rest for what was left of the night - what, a couple of hours, maybe? And that was enough resolution for me.
I got up, naked. I removed the sheets, undressing the bed and opening the window to aerate the area. I walked away from the room, closing the door behind me. I took care of the dirty sheets, and then decided I would shower - in my room. Stevens slept profoundly, I sensed her deep asleep. So, I would be sneaky enough to do my thing and not waking her up.
I stopped next to the door, hesitating. I breathed, in and out, in and out, my fingers touching the cold metal of the door handle.
How tempting.
I opened the door silently, and walked inside my own bedroom. There was a feeble luminosity from the closet area, and I wondered if Stevens was… afraid of the dark?
She had left it on, and it bathed the room with a warm tone. Even more tempting.
I took my time scanning her form, cuddled inside my bed, occupying a quarter of it. She slept on her right side, her face resting on my pillow.
My pillow.
She wore one of my white shirts, and her right hand rested against her face, her mouth-half open. Her breathing remained steady and I considered getting closer.
But, suddenly, I considered against.
First I would clean myself. I couldn't just approach her with the filth of the other woman on me. No, I had to shower and get dressed.
My eyes landed on the clock by the night stand: 6 a.m.
The shower was fast and effective and I minded myself with the things to do for the day. There was much to be done, after this open attempt, a member of the Turks had been hit and I was sure the President would call me in. Me and Tseng.
The thought worried me, mainly because it would be a pain in the ass. Reports and further investigation on the matter would follow. I exited the shower, feeling both body and mind refreshed. A towel rested on my waist and I walked towards the closet, barefooted. I stopped when I passed by my bed, where a very still Stevens rested. Still in the same position, I took my time observing her.
Her slender neck showed, as well as her shoulder. My shirt was way too large for her. I approached her, my legs meeting the bed structure - that would be my brake.
My fingers made a movement to touch her. Her skin - it looked and felt so soft, as I removed some locks of her hair away from her ear.
She didn't squirm as I did so. But, as expected, it hadn't been enough. It never felt enough when she was concerned.
My body moved and I dared to do something very unwise. My nose lingered on her hair, then the skin of her ear… her neck, the sensation walking through me like an electric shock.
She smelled of my gel shower… and me.
I stood in a sudden gesture, shaking my head. Get a grip, General. You're a man, not an animal.
The chastising thought seemed to give me some composure. So, as I remained standing, I took some steps back and backed away.
Or I wouldn't control the urge of slipping inside that bed with her.
I got dressed in my closet, pants and shirt, leaving my uniform off to clean for today. I felt a little spent, it was a fact, and all this emotional stimulation with Stevens around consumed me. I had an image, a post to keep. And I would not show weakness - not now, even if I felt shivering on the inside.
In the middle of my thinking I sensed her - Stevens, awaking. So, it was time - to behave like a cold-hearted bastard again.
"Good morning." I said, as I walked inside the bedroom, my hands on my pockets. Stevens sat on the bed, her eyes puffy and her hair a total mess. Totally adorable.
And that had been a very unnecessary thought.
She didn't answer me, making a face instead. I took my time studying her face.
Well, well, well, aren't we grumpy?
"Are you still offended with our last conversation? You shouldn't. I was right all along."
I said, as I partially opened the blinds.
"When can I go home." Her tone was flat.
"Not without escort." I stated. "There's breakfast in the kitchen if your pride will allow you to get up from my bed and face me like a grownup."
Her eyes met mine and her face changed for a moment. That had been a terrible way of starting the day, and even I considered that maybe I had exaggerated.
"I hate YOU!" She declared. "I HATE YOU! You stuck up jerk, who do you think you are? You don't have the right to treat me like that. I don't admit it!"
I turned to her, with the most calm and unwavering face on the Planet. What, did she think her words hit me? I snorted and decided to be simply ironic.
"Do my provocations bother you that much, Elie?"
"My patience is running low on you, General."
And with a wicked smile I snorted. As if that scared me. Duh. So my stare met hers and I simply informed her of what would happen from now on.
"You can go back to your apartment to fetch some clothes, but you'll be staying somewhere else for the time being." Her face studied my words. "You're dismissed from work for now, and you'll be staying with Reno at the military Hospital until he recovers completely. You'll be guarded and so will he."
She blinked at me, realization hitting her.
"Is he okay?"
"For now." I informed. "He's in the ICU."
"But… is he stable?"
"Yes."
She sighed.
"Come on, give me details!"
There was a pause before I decided to disclose such information.
"Thankfully the bullet got stuck in the shoulder blade but it cracked and shattered, causing important damage."
"For Christ's sake." Her tone was exasperating.
"I'll escort you to the Hospital."
She nodded, with a sad, worried face.
"After you eat." I added.
"I'm not hungry."
Her stubbornness was impressive.
"Fine with me. Then, come. I'll take you home."
Her eyes met mine with surprise.
"But I'm wearing your clothes."
Oh, that.
"It's next door."
And that seemed to take her by surprise, her mouth half-opened.
"You live next door to me and I didn't know?"
My eyes were hard on her and I was very blunt.
"You never asked."
Elie's POV
I got dressed at home and packed some stuff to be away for a week, tops.
The general had said I would be staying at the Military Hospital with Reno and it kind of assured me. After all, someone had tried to kill me. Again.
And maybe it was better if I remained under constant guard for the time being. It made me feel secure and I knew, in a way, that it would soothe the General's worries as well. He was a busy man and had more to do but to check on me constantly.
It had to be consuming. He had his job, his responsibilities and this… situation around me took time from his things.
I didn't say a word about it though. I knew that if I mentioned it, my worries and the feeling of burden I felt when these attempts occurred, we would fight. An argument was inevitable. The thought plagued me as I realized the General was so touchy lately. I couldn't say a thing, it seemed like I couldn't even exist, for Christ's sake.
The general's stance remained calm and silent as I gathered my stuff in a duffel bag. He looked like immersed in thought, his facial lines rigid, giving nothing away. He seemed a different man from the one I had been with the night before.
"I'm ready." I said, exiting my bedroom.
He was by the living room window, turning to stare at me with those Mako eyes, a neutral face as he blinked in silence, taking me in.
I wore my regular outfit for work, since I had little to dress but that. Speaking of which.
"I left my dress-"
"Don't worry about that," He interrupted, as he strolled towards the door. "I'll get it cleaned and returned to you."
I gulped dry at his coldness, as the man opened the door of my apartment and clearly waited for me to follow.
I took a deep breath and simply followed.
-/-
The Military Hospital was a building of so many erected around Shinra's domain.
The ride had been quick, effectively escorted by a consistent mass of SOLDIER, and once inside, all I could see was guard, in every corner, as well as cameras.
The whole thing was simply claustrophobic. They behaved like statues, nodding as the General progressed with me. His presence imposed that kind of reaction from the rest of the guard, and it felt actually impressive.
It was funny as I felt honored to walk along with him in such circumstances. Of course, I kept all that to myself.
Talking with him was proving to be very difficult lately, so I decided to let it go. Just mention the absolutely necessary, and that was it.
He has better things to do but to put up with me.
"Here."
His voice took me out of my sulking, moody reverie. I really had to stop thinking about him this much, it surely wasn't healthy. And it would do no good because he would never look at me that way.
I looked at the door, heavily guarded. As the door opened, I saw… Reno.
In a bed, surrounded with monitors, tubes and stuff.
"Geez." I whispered, as I walked inside, the General next to me. What have I done to you, Reno? I gulped dry as we reached his bed.
"Reno?" I dared to ask, and he opened his eyes. I smiled at him.
"Yo, Elie." His voice was rasp and weak.
And I couldn't feel guiltier. After all, it was because of me he was in this situation.
"Gosh… I'm so sorry, big guy."
"Nonsense. You're worth to get a bullet for, Elie."
His sentence brought tears to my eyes and I had to laugh nervously at him. My hand reached his forehead and I moved some red hair lost in there.
"Silly." I whispered, trying not to break and cry openly. I felt the General's eyes on me the whole time and didn't dare to stare back at him.
This was simply too painful to bear.
"I'll be fine. Recover will be slow but I'll live." He declared, and I sensed Reno more serious. Probably he felt that the General's presence didn't allow much intimacy. He was a blocker in what concerned emotions, feelings.
"I'll be staying here the whole time." I declared, and Reno smiled briefly at me.
"Thanks."
After that, Reno seemed immersed into sleep. The General excused himself and briefly informed me of what would follow.
"You'll be staying here, your accommodations will be taken care of. If you need me, just let the guards know and they'll call me." His declaration was so formal that the meaning of 'needing' only could be related to work or Reno.
I didn't say a word; I just nodded and turned to Reno again, as I listened to the General leaving. The thought of away was strangely compressing, and I didn't even dare to look. Seeing him go away affected me in a terrible way.
I sighed, as I tried to shove away these feelings. Now, I would focus on Reno.
He was the one needing me the most.
-/-
Three days later, Reno was almost recovered.
He left the ICU the day after and we were transferred to a private ward where he did all the treatment, respiratory exercises and progressive walking around. He was still weak and sore compared to his usual self, but progression was being made.
I was with him the whole time, slept in a twin bed they had arranged for me, the ward was suite-like, comfortable and silent.
Reno slept most of the time, taking time to adjust to the effort, but his humor was always there. And I didn't know why, but he knew of everything going on outside. Visiting was scarce and consisted merely of Tseng and Rude. Or course, I excused myself in those moments and made some walks around the hospital, which had several arboreal areas that I would surely visit when Reno when he was allowed to leave the ward. The SOLDIER escorting me like a shadow didn't disclose much, but told me the General passed by everyday to check on security reports.
Always the freak, I thought, my mind accusing him of being cold and insensitive. He didn't even pay Reno visits. I snorted, shaking my head.
He just checked security!? For heaven's sake.
Later that the afternoon, after Rude visiting, I went back to the ward, where I found a very wary Reno.
"Are you making friends outside?" He accused, joking as always.
I decided to play along.
"Yes, well, the statues outside pay me immense company."
Reno laughed, and yelped a little with pain.
"Careful." I said, approaching him and sitting next to him like I always did. "Don't laugh so hard."
"Old habits." He said, "Anyway, I was thinking," He started, and he caught my attention. "The night I was shot, what happened with you afterwards?"
And the smile I had on vanished like a tornado had passed. I recalled what had happened that specific night and I couldn't help but to put a sad frown on.
Sometimes I hated to be this transparent.
"Was it that bad?" Reno's tone was serious now and I sighed in response. Okay, what could I say to him without screaming and crying in frustration?
"It was awful." I admitted, my fingers massaging my forehead. "You don't imagine what he said to me."
"Outch."
"Anyway, I don't want to talk about it."
"So, I heard he killed the man." Reno opted to change subject and I mentally thanked him for that.
"Looks that way." I admitted, not knowing much of it as well.
"Are you back to your apartment?"
My eyes met Reno's and the thought of my apartment made me feel nostalgic.
"No."
Reno's eyebrows went up in surprise.
"Where did you crash then?"
"At his place."
Reno's face was a total mirror of shock. His mouth half-opened and I shook my head. Good grief.
"Don't look at me like that."
"Please, don't tell me you took the guest room." Reno's statement made me blink like a ruminant at him. What was he talking about?
"Uh… No." I admitted, and now was my turn to feel surprised. "I slept in his room."
Reno exhaled a puff of air, as if my situation had been a total shocker. He smiled that wicked smile of him and in that moment I knew something dirty was playing along in his mind.
"Alone, come on! But why, I mean… what's with that guest room thing?"
Reno readjusted himself on the bed, and he actually considered what to say. Which couldn't be a good thing.
"I've heard about that room." He smiled. "Like, a lot." And the teasing continued. "The guest room."
"Why are you using that tone?"
Something inside me was telling me I wouldn't enjoy much what Reno was about to tell me.
"Elie, really, you don't want to know-"
"Spill it out Reno! You owe me that!" I interrupted, and made a sign for him to continue.
He gathered himself and put that face of his, when he prepared to tell a story.
"It is said the General's guest room is the place to where he takes his private visits. It is said the General has very demanding needs."
And now it was my turn to feel flabbergasted with Reno's declaration. I just couldn't believe it! It had to be a freaking lie!?
"OhmyGod." I admitted, my eyes wide on his. "That's disgusting."
I was speaking my mind, and couldn't even consider that that sick gossip was even true! Come on ,it was offensive and nauseating! As if a man like the General needed that kind of visiting!?
"It's a myth of sorts, Elie. No one has actually seen anything. But you know, people talk." Reno admitted, making a face.
"Visits? You mean…" Whores?
The word flew along, in silence. I hadn't said it, but the meaning was there.
"How should I know?" Reno asked, visibly without answers. "What's with the face?"
Oh man, what can I say?
"It… surprises me, I mean… I didn't think the General…" I gulped dry, the thought of him recurring to pay-sex sounding so damn… Gosh, it felt horrible. The graphic image of him with hookers plagued me, it was an image that shocked me and disappointed me. "It just… I didn't see him as that type of man, that's all."
A heavy silence fell.
"You look disappointed." Reno finally stated.
I hated that that particular feeling looked so obvious in my face but I just couldn't hide it anymore.
It's not worth it, I tried to convince myself.
"Forget about it." I declared, ending the conversation right there.
Reno didn't miss it, but he respected my wish.
Thankfully.
A/N- Hope you liked it.
A suggestion though: Try listening to 'Private Emotion', a song by Ricky Martin feat. Meja, an 'oldie' that reflects very well the silent night stalking Sephiroth did on Elie. And yes, I named the chapter after the song.
Man, I love the way their relationship is evolving AND it's amazing to write it :)