Chapter 39. A step ahead.

Elie's POV

I took my time 'recovering' from that traumatic experience underground.

After climbing that flight of stairs like a clumsy little kid, I resumed to the ward. Reno went in and out, and I sensed he felt strange my sudden hermit phase, but I had developed a true fear of walking along by my own.

Hojo had that impact on normal persons such as myself.

For hundreds of times, that dysfunctional conversation went through my head. The whole thing had been so strange and horrifying, no wonder the General had issues. I had talked with Hojo what - a couple of minutes?, and the result had been catastrophic, so I could only imagine the permanent marks Sephiroth had, living day after day until he was of age to leave the labs.

Good God, it must have been horrible.

Days went by, until Reno eventually tell me his stay at the Hospital would resume to five more days, tops.

Other Turk members visited more often, which was a bit strange, but I excused myself all the times. Tseng had been one the latest visiting, and he took his time talking to me a little bit as I lingered outside with my permanent escort.

"How's everything?"

I smiled at the Turk standing in front of me.

"Pretty good." I stated. "Reno's health's been improving and I've heard he should be out soon."

Tseng snorted.

"By the end of week, give or take." His face remained sympathetic today. "But he'll have to take things easy. Being shot is not a thing to joke about."

I nodded, confronted with Tseng's words. It felt like an accusation, even if I didn't want to believe Tseng had mentioned that on purpose.

"Yep." I resumed to say, and decided I should change subject. "How about the missions? Anything new?"

Tseng's complexion changed a bit and I sensed an impending yes. So, they had done something already.

"We anticipated the attack in Wutai. It went along fine."

"Wow." I said. "Nice to know that."

"Well," Tseng's tone meant leaving. "I have to go. Take care of my boy, Elie."

I shook my head, smiling.

"Sure will. " My voice was barely heard, as I saw Tseng leave, his black hair pending, so bright and… thick. I didn't know why, but I felt Tseng was a little off, and I couldn't help but to wonder what was going on, what he wasn't telling me.

Military secrets consumed me, mainly because I was kind of involved in them. Silence returned to the hall where I stood, and I dared to walk inside the ward again.

Reno was on the bed, eyes closed. I smiled at the sight.

"So sleepy at this time of the day?"

Blue wide eyes met mine, with a snort.

"Visits consume my mind. They tire me, you know?"

"I believe you."

"I think I need a nap before the afternoon massacre."

I made a face.

"What do you mean?"

"That therapist is hell." He declared, with a disappointed stare. "Cute as hell, but she pushes me to an unspeakable level."

I considered my words, as I prepared my pillow for a mutual nap.

"Well, as I said: a challenge."

"Ugh. More like a nightmare."

I widened my eyes at him as I sat on my bed, arranging the blanket.

"Don't say that, Reno! You'll see it'll pay out eventually. "

And now it was time for Reno to make a face.

"Ah. She'll want my scalp, I'm sure."

I laughed genuinely at him.

"Let's run to the land of dreams for a while, Reno. We deserve it."

"We do." He agreed, and arranged himself on the bed. "Try not to speak in your sleep, I don't want to know what the General does around you."

And that put my heart running. Like, literally.

"What?"

"Indeed, Eleanor Stevens." Reno laughed. "The General is the king in the land of your dreams."

"No comments." I said, as I cuddled on my bed.

Reno didn't say a word more and, in minutes, I heard his sleepy breathing. But my eyes, oh my eyes didn't want to close. All I recalled were the words Hojo that offered me. That damned dialogue that still plagued me. Sephiroth's more intimate wishes, all sprayed out like that.

Was it true?

Inevitably, my mind wondered, even if I knew I wouldn't have the nerve to confirm. It would be very awkward and he would never admit such thing.

Besides… it was Hojo, the high class manipulator, he was nobody to be trusted. So there was little I could do but to speculate.

And in the middle of scattered images of the General, eventually sleep took me.

To a land of no dreams.

Sephiroth's POV

The arena was completely crowded.

I had taken my time preparing Zack's memorial ceremony, considered all the guests and, mainly, the right timing to start with it. It had been very difficult to gather everything in one day. I hadn't forget Zack hadn't been the one dying that day.

All the scientific personnel at Medina's lab, as well as the guarding team rendering security by the PORTAL had been massacred and killed the day Zack snapped and even if I knew the families had taken care of the funerals, individually, I had managed to arrange a memorial ceremony as well - all in the same day Zack would be honored. It felt a little hypocrite of me doing so, honoring the killer and the victims at the same time but… people didn't know exactly what had happened to Zack.

For all intents and purposes, he had sacrificed himself for a greater good - the Planet's safety. And that was it.

I had been the first one giving speech, highly uncomfortable considering the event in question. Here I was, saying 'our world had suffered a great loss' and so much more gibberish, just because it sounded nicely and was the social and political thing to do.

The President had handed me the speech and the same happened with Tseng and the head of all main departments of Shinra.

Everybody at the company thought Zack had been a sad victim of the system - except for Tseng and well, Medina. The President wanted it to remain that way - a charade that would trick everyone until the PORTAL issue would be completely dominated.

I remained in the back for two hours, until the ceremony was complete. There were so many people here for Zack, and not only from Shinra. His family. Friends. His… girlfriend.

It was easy to perceive who she was.

She remained in the middle of the crowd, small and discreet, shedding silent tears. Every time she blinked, they fell, intermittently.

How mental she was - the Ancient. She grieved Zack Fair with an intensity that felt like a shockwave. Silent and mortal, reaching only soul, not matter.

I stared at the Ancient, who listened attentively to Tseng speaking now. She was imbibed in his words, feeding on it, processing it and, as she blinked, tears kept falling.

No scene, no face, no nothing. Her expressionless pain was something I could only classify as out of this world.

Her watery eyes met mine suddenly, and I allowed myself a moment to scrutinize her gaze. Green eyes met mako ones, and I felt overwhelmed with the intensity she allowed to flow between us. Grief, sorrow and revolt were all she felt - for not having his beloved next to her.

It was you. She mouthed at me, and I gulped dry.

The accusation felt terrible and I fought the will of turning and leaving. The stare of the Ancient felt heavy.

I locked my jaws and narrowed my eyes at her, giving her the answer.

Yes.

It was her time to gulp dry, a couple of silent tears falling, as Tseng's endless monologue scored the background.

I forgive you. Her muted words made my heart compress a little, and when I thought all this was over, there was more.

But she will show no mercy.

Heavy clapping interrupted our little moment there and I decided to play along, clap like everybody else and just wished that all this would end. Tseng marched off the pulpit and his stare met mine.

So, it was time to go.

I turned and left, leaving the rest of the speakers to do their thing. All I wanted was to leave this damned place once and for all.

Elie's POV.

I had been having my after-lunch coffee with Reno when I saw him coming right from the cafeteria main door. Reno dressed properly, like a Turk, and I looked like a Turk myself as well. Courtesy of the General's taste in fashion.

John smiled at me, greeting me and I smiled back, glad to finally see him after such long time.

"Hey."

"Hi." John joined us, standing next to me and Reno. "How's everything going?

"Pretty okay I think." I answered, and eyed Reno, who confirmed with a nod. "And you, how's the lab stuff going?"

John made a face but kept his stance.

"Well, I was used to a team for ten years, now all this start-over thing just… takes time to adjust."

"Yeah."

"So, Reno…" John's stare met Reno's and he simply smiled.

"Recovering just fine."

"Good to hear."

I took my time eyeing John, realizing he looked different than what he used to. Despite all the smiling, there was something somber about John today.

"I had never seen you in a suit before, John." I risked saying, and John's smile vanished a little. "Special occasion?"

He took his time answering.

"Yeah, I was…" He paused, and eyed Reno. "…busy the whole morning."

"Oh."

There was something about those stare exchanges I wasn't exactly liking. John didn't used to be so… mysterious.

"Yep." Reno's 'yep' didn't help at all.

"What?" I asked, directly staring at Reno. "Why are you making that face?"

An uncomfortable silence followed and I sensed there was definitely something going on. Something they were trying to hide from me. I was about to insist when a group of SOLDIER passed by and greeted Reno.

"Hey, man!" One of them said, as they shook hands. "How are you holding on?"

"Fine, thanks."

"You missed Tseng's speech. Quite emotional stuff." The SOLDIER speaking to Reno talked casually. "Anyway, the occasion called for it."

My eyes widened in surprise, as Reno and John made the most compromised face on the Planet. Now I knew something had happened and that they were categorically hiding it from me!

"Shame you missed Fair's memorial." The SOLDIER declared, relaxed as ever. I noticed how John squeezed the bridge of his nose with his fingers, taking a deep breath. So, he knew. Reno knew as well.

And they didn't tell me.

"You traitors." I whispered, and Reno's blue stare met mine, as he tried to gather words to answer me. There were none. Because there was no excuse for what they had done. I left Reno's stare and directed my speech to John. Who had the most annoyed face in the world.

"Why didn't you tell me, John?"

"Elie-"

"It was Zack's memorial ceremony and I didn't know?" I dared to say, my tone a little louder than normal. Reno, John and SOLDIER eyed me in silence, and their silence innerved me. "Why, why was I left out of this!?"

Reno made a subtle effort to say something.

"Look, it's-"

"He did this, didn't he?" I interrupted, and Reno's face answered me. His complexion was all I needed to analyze to know that my theory was right. "He did this on purpose, he wanted me to miss it!"

I felt like I had been betrayed, used and… God knows what else. It felt horrible, it was a terrible sensation, this attachment to someone that kept hurting me - doing things that made my chest hurt. Why did he have to do this?

Hold me and manipulate my feelings the way he had been doing and then… this? I shook my head at my logic, as I walked away from the hospital cafeteria. No way. He was going to hear it, right fucking now!

"Elie!"

I heard John's voice behind me, but I paid him no attention.

"Don't try to stop me." I said, not bothering to look at him. I knew very well where I should be headed.

His office.

"Shit…"

I didn't hear Reno curse, as he stopped John from following me. He'd better not to follow me, or he would get it as well.

-/-

I dared to say I didn't recall walking all the way towards the General's office. Fury blinded me and I breathed heavily with the nervousness the situation caused me. It was all so difficult to bear - the desperation, the unfairness of being put aside - by Sephiroth, of all persons, was the most difficult thing to accept.

Mainly after what had been happening between us lately. All the closeness - it all felt like a lie, false and mean, as in a way for him to have it his way and do whatever he wanted.

Behind my back.

Since when did he get to be so manipulative?

Sephiroth really was Hojo's progeny. He had the skills and the capacity, and I had fallen on his trap like a duck.

Me, of all persons! I, who supposedly knew him better than anybody else… fell for the easiest and cruelest trap of all!

How stupid, Elie, I accused myself, as I walked along the hall. I could see the door of his office already. Really, did you think he could change, be true and honorable?

My mental questions only fueled my anger, and when I saw one of the assistants approach me and tell me I needed an appointment to see the General, I merely gazed upon her.

A hard stare was the necessary for her to shut up and take some steps back. And even when she said The General was busy, I didn't care.

Whoever was inside with him, would find out the kind of wicked man he was. I didn't care anymore, I felt so wounded that all I wanted was to shout out at him. Slap him. Insult him like he so well deserved.

So I opened the door wide, got inside and closed it with a loud noise. My eyes found immediately his and… Tseng's. They were reading some documentation, both standing next to his monumental desk.

I went straight to the point.

"How dare you?"

My tone had been harsh and disrespectful, and the only thing Sephiroth did was… close the file.

"Watch your tone, Stevens." Sephiroth's tone was guarded, as he walked behind Tseng, who basically remained there, staring at me, in silence.

"You didn't have the right to hide that from me!"

I was so angry I couldn't even think straight.

"Hide what from you?"

The neutrality of his tone only fueled the whole situation, to a rather dangerous level.

"Zack's memorial ceremony!" I said, with a loud tone. I saw how Sephiroth slowly approached my perimeter, letting me speak. "How could you deprive me from that?"

"You didn't have to be there." He said, with excessive slowness. It felt insulting, it looked like he was mocking me.

"Bullshit!" I snarled, and walked towards him, defying him with all my will. I felt no fear, all I wanted was to… hell, I didn't know what I wanted. "That was not your decision to make!"

I had said the words pointing at him, accusing him with a harshness I didn't know I was able to gather.

The General locked his jaw and grabbed my forearm, but I stood there, not allowing him to handle me, holding on with all my strength.

"See that reaction?" He said, with an ironic tone. "That's exactly what I didn't want there. I didn't want tears, grief and guilt taunting a ceremony that is supposed to honor a SOLDIER." Our stare fought and I heard my breathing, coming in and out from my nose. "And besides, it was crowded with Shinra's people, Hojo included. I didn't want him to see you all cry-baby over Zack, he does not know what really happened."

"You're a monster." I accused, speaking openly my mind. "How can you be like that, you were there with me, for Christ's sake! You didn't have the right to take this moment away from me."

He narrowed his eyes at me, as if not getting what I meant.

"Take what?"

"My chance of honoring him. Being it with tears, crying, whatever." I declared. "I had the right to be freaking there."

My tone was loud and inappropriate, but I didn't care.

"Well it's too late now."

"Where is he?" I demanded.

"He's in your freezer."

"You're a cold bastard."

"And you're a weak woman."

"I hate you."

"No you don't."

"I'll find out by myself." I snarled, and tried to release my forearm from his grasp. But, confronted with his iron grip, I narrowed my eyes at him and said what I felt, right from the heart. "Don't you fucking touch me."

My words had a strange impact on him. Slowly, he let me go and I turned, leaving the place, not bothering to close the door behind me.

I had other priorities now.

Namely, find out where Zack's memorial ceremony had taken place.

Sephiroth's POV

I felt amazed - truly, I did. I had never seen Stevens like this.

"That was quite a show."

Tseng's voice took me out of my reverie, as I silently closed the door of my office.

"She's very insubordinate." I admitted, returning to my place behind the desk. "But she'll pay for this… episode."

Tseng snorted, what earned a stare from me.

"Sephiroth," He started, eyeing me with a very obvious look on his face. "She's right and you know it perfectly. I understand you had your motives and I agreed to those as well... which wouldn't mean she'd accept being kept away."

I didn't answer, and my stare was now lost as I meddled with the pages of a file.

"Maybe you need to be more… specific with her. There seems to be a communication problem between you two."

My eyes met Tseng's, who was talking serious now.

"She is aware of her situation."

"I'm very sorry to inform you, but no, she is not." He declared. "Only someone totally unaware could have come here like an enraged feline about to eat you alive. She has you in high count… and this felt like treason to her."

I blinked at the man in front of me.

"How do you know that?"

"That's how I would feel if someone did to me what you did to her." Tseng declared, making a face. "Really, you're lucky she isn't a Turk or she would shoot you."

I turned slowly to face the window, the day leaving and slowly welcoming the night. I considered Tseng's words, but… still, I felt a little lost of what to do.

Emotions and feelings were my Achilles' heel.

"So what do you suggest?" I eventually asked, and Tseng took a deep breath, as if considering what to say to me.

"Make it up to her."

I turned, narrowing my eyes at Tseng, not having a clue of what he meant with that. Tseng didn't miss my unawareness on the subject.

"Listen to your instinct… and follow it."

I watched Tseng leave, a soft smile on his lips, as I remained standing, right there, considering what on the Planet he meant with that.

Elie's POV

Eventually I found out where the memorial had happened.

Since most of SOLDIER and Shinra personnel had been at the ceremony, I only had to ask for directions. The memorial had taken place in a huge arena, where I'm sure it gathered thousands of persons.

Once I got inside, I realized Zack hadn't been the only one honored today. All the victims of that fatidic day had received a special honor, courtesy on Shinra. I made my way towards the main hall, empty chairs scattered all over.

The place had been carefully prepared, and in a moment I realized Zack had been the main 'attraction'. There was an area above, framed and decorated accordingly, where a picture of him stood. There were so many crowns of flowers, and a pulpit - so, that had been the place where Tseng had given his speech, the one SOLDIER talked about.

The thought of missing the whole ceremony brought tears to my eyes and I couldn't help but to gulp dry as I looked around… and found her.

The only person sitting in a chair in the loneliness of this empty, cold arena.

"Aerith."

My heart constricted at the sight of her. I didn't see her for so ages, I truly missed her, our scarce conversations. Come to think that the death of Zack stood between us hurt like hell.

"Hi, Elie."

Her voice was feeble, and she didn't even bother to look back at me. I dared to sit right behind her, in a chair. Her hair, brown and so nicely braided, stood out, and I resisted the urge of touching it. Her frame, with her back to me, remained silent - and I didn't know what to do, what to say.

"How are you holding?"

"Anyway I can."

Her words were so dry.

"I'm-"

"No." He interrupted me, and stood up in a sudden move. She remained with her back to me, her hands resting right next to her pink dress. "Please, don't say you're sorry."

Her words hurt so much.

"But it's the truth." I said, tears falling. This was so sad, so horrible to admit. I was so sorry I couldn't save Zack.

"It won't bring him back." She said, her tone harsh, mildly accusing. "So… please, don't be sorry."

It took me a while to talk again, but I dared to open my mind to her.

"I feel guilty over everything that happened."

"You didn't order him a thing." She declared, angling her face up. She was staring at his picture. "He brought all of it to himself."

It didn't sound natural, the way she said the words. It was like she was trying to convince herself of something that wasn't true.

The silence was oppressive, and it lasted for an eternity. I couldn't say a word, the only thing my organism did was cry. Tears fell, and there was nothing I could do to stop those from falling. It all hurt terribly, Zack dead and Aerith… ignoring me like this.

Footsteps were suddenly heard, but I didn't dare to look back to see who it was. I felt too destroyed to turn, I had no strength left.

"I'll go now."

Aerith's sudden declaration made me look at her, following her form as she left. And somewhere in the way of her leaving, I finally found out who had arrived and stood in the middle of the hall of that arena.

That treacherous son of a bitch. Sephiroth.

I closed my eyes, begging for patience. What on Earth was he doing here, couldn't he just leave me alone for good? Christ, how I hated all this!

"What are you doing here?" I dared to say, words coming out as a whisper as I sniffed. "Was not enough what you did? Did you come here to massacre me, insult me, or what?"

He didn't answer at once.

"If you were a regular citizen, I'd arrest you for disrespect, Stevens."

I had to laugh - a very sarcastic laughter.

"Oh please, do tell me what stands in the way of you arresting me for telling the truth."

"I'd better not."

His tone was soft and quiet, as he approached me. I sensed a huge presence by my right side, invading my personal space. I got up slowly and turned to him, facing him in the eye. Sephiroth's Mako stare remained the same, so cold and… unknown.

"Are you happy? I missed Zack's ceremony, just like you wanted, what else can you possibly want from me now?"

My words were genuine.

"You're here now. Pay your tribute to him, just like you wanted to."

"You don't get it." I snorted, shaking my head. "It was my presence in the ceremony that counted. Not being here when no one's around, when all is said and done."

Sephiroth blinked a couple of times, his eyes hard on mine.

"I did it for a good reason." He whispered, as if telling me a secret. "Understand, Stevens. You're not stupid and I trust you're capable of grasping I had very good reasons to…" He paused for a while, and looked around once before turning to me again. "…deprive you from something like this."

I couldn't get it, really. It was difficult and totally uncalled for. I shook my head, as I closed my eyes in despair. God, how shitty I felt!

An unexpected touch in my face made me open my eyes, and what I saw in him scared me for a moment. I reacted at once, running from his touch.

"Stay away." I warned, taking one step back. "Don't touch me."

But he didn't let me walk away. Before I knew it the familiar comfort of his arms took hold on me and I, outraged as I felt, knew I should reject him right away.

My mind wanted to do that and I knew it was the right thing to do. Except my heart didn't want that - on the contrary, it ached for closeness, for support.

My face rested on his chest and I heard him breathe, his heart beating. So warm and strong, Sephiroth's embrace was all I recalled it to be. To say that I was weak was an understatement. For I knew what I felt for him grew by the minute, each time these moments came up between us, something inside me came alive.

"Do you want me to stay?" His voice resonated close to me, and I closed my eyes at the sensation. Damn, I knew what I should do right now. Simply, I should walk away, leave him there without a word, despise and ignore him… but I knew I was not going to do it. Because my rationality was long gone.

"Please." I whispered, as I sensed my walls breaking.

I didn't want it to end, didn't want this moment to go away.

"I hate to be this weak when it comes to Zack but…" Words escaped me, as I felt tears falling again. "It's stronger than me. I can't… I want to, but I can't-"

"It'll pass."

I closed my eyes and I dared to speak my mind again.

"All I can see is his face, his eyes in panic staring at me, begging."

The man holding me remained in silence, his hold on me a little stronger.

"He knew." I whispered. "He knew what was happening, he-he felt-"

"Don't torture yourself anymore." Sephiroth interrupted me, and I dared to look up, my eyes on the line of his jaws. He gave me no space to look him in the eye.

"How can you do it?" I asked, "You were the one ending his life, how can you be so indifferent?"

"You don't know how I feel inside." His tone was pained. "On the outside I'm always the cold bastard you'll ever see, authoritarian and cruel, but I have a soul, Elie." I blinked at him, as his eyes finally met mine. "A soul that has to hang on to something to face every damn day."

We remained close, face to face.

"I misjudge you." I admitted, now feeling guilty for all the show I put up hours ago. Sephiroth's Mako eyes remained on mine and I sensed him scrutinizing my face.

"No." He stated. "You just react to what I do. Action-reaction. It's simply physics."

His words hit me, and I thought to myself on how physics applied to more aspects than just me reacting to him. As seconds passed by I grew more aware of his closeness. His face was something worthy of staring at - and I was categorically out of words to offer him.

With my face angled up and surrounded by his arms, my thoughts easily ran towards the inadequate. As I felt his breathing in my face, all I could think about was contact. Tasting, touching, skin with skin… lips. Kissing.

I sensed him hesitating, as the frontiers became blurred. I didn't know if he was actually the one approaching me or if I was the one trying to close contact. Time went by slowly, breath after breath, stares locked and an impending critical situation about to happen.

I almost dared to close my eyes and abandon myself to the moment, when something loud interrupted the stasis we seemed to be in.

His face turned towards the entrance of the arena, where no one stood. The door swung, and I imagined it might have been the wind or… someone. Who was about to get in and, confronted with the show… walked away.

"We should go."

Sephiroth eventually said, as he embrace slowly vanished. I nodded in agreement, and neither of us said a word as we left the arena.

Something had flared up between us tonight.

I just didn't know exactly what it was.

A/N. So it begins.