Castiel's POV!

Part 4

trying to find a part of me you didn't take up

Castiel wakes up to Dean's voice.

Please, Cas, come back. Wake up, Cas, please, and come back, come back, come back.

Castiel startles, and sits up. Dean's voice resounds in his ears, loud and clear, on a loop: wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, come back, please, come back – It takes Castiel a few seconds to understand where he is – he feels like he has been sleeping.

Everything around is dark and full of nothing. The Empty. He is back here. Then the memories hit him, and he remembers everything. Billie coming for Dean; Dean's heart giving up; the useless sigil on the door; and his own declaration.

He remembers Dean's eyes, shiny with tears and wide with fear and confusion.

Castiel closes his eyes again, and smiles. He feels free now, freer than ever, now that he has finally stopped bottling up his feelings and keeping them hidden. He had not realised before how much effort it took him to silence himself, to repress such an essential part of who he is. He merely feels happy, and relieved. He is glad he has let go of any doubt, of any hope that poisoned his love and made it less pure. To stop feeling ashamed is the greatest relief – the greatest happiness – of all. Now, he can be happy of the simple fact that he loves Dean. This love changed his life for the better.

It is not simply that he has finally opened his heart, it is that Dean is alive, too, and Castiel feels like maybe he has found the meaning of his existence. If he was created to keep Dean alive – Dean, who will vanquish Chuck and free the world, he knows it – then his existence was not as meaningless as he feared.

Of course, now that he is awake, he feels some regret. He did not expect to be awake in the Empty, and to be conscious in a world without Dean. But it is worth it; his happiness shall not be tainted by the futile hope of what he cannot have.

Which begs the question: why did he hear Dean's voice? Did Dean wake him up? Or was it just a dream? If there is a dream powerful enough to wake him from a death-induced slumber, that would be this one: Dean begging him to come back.

As Castiel thinks that, the words Dean's voice utters change. "... Nexus noster, restitutus est. Surgas ex abysso, in lumine existas! "

Castiel understands the words instantly. ...Our link restored. Get up from the abyss, and exist into the light!

Fright fills Castiel's veins and grace when he understands what this means. Is Dean actually trying to wake him up? To bring him back from the Empty?

He should not. The Empty will never accept it. There will be a price to pay – there is always a price to pay, and Dean knows that. Didn't they meet because Dean made a deal to save Sam's life?

Castiel shouldn't feel flattered or moved, either, he chastises himself. That Dean would be ready to summon the Empty, to make a deal, or to resurrect him, is not something that should fill Castiel's heart with joy and emotion – he should not think of how loving and selfless Dean always is. No, Castiel should be terrified.

And yet... Well, Castiel has never been good at doing what he is supposed to do.

Then, there is nothing but silence. Silence, silence, silence, eternal silence. Perhaps Dean's voice was but a dream. This is something Castiel could imagine, just like he often imagines that his feelings might not be unrequited or one-sided. He often imagines that Dean smiles at him, or looks at him, in a special way, or that Dean's words hide something more, or that there is a longing, a desire, an affection in Dean's eyes and voice that there is for no one else. Of course, it has always been but Castiel's selfish, stupid desires. This time, too, could be but a trick his heart is playing on him.

Or maybe is it the Empty that is tricking him? After all, Castiel is awake, and the Empty still has not appeared to him. It should have, by now – it can't sleep if a resident is awake. Perhaps the Empty cannot sleep and is keeping him awake for sometime (or forever) to torture him. Castiel is not informed of what this entity can or cannot do. If it can see in Castiel's heart who he loves, then surely it can imitate Dean's voice.

Castiel is tempted to sigh. Will it never stop? Will there never be peace? But this is the fate he has chosen for himself, and he would not choose any other; so he cannot complain.

Dean is alive, it is all that matters.

Castiel has no idea how much time passes in silence (an eternity or two, he would say), but suddenly, he hears Dean's voice again.

Cas. Cas, it's me. It's Dean. Wake up. Please wake up. I'm here. Come to me, please, Cas, come to me. We'll get out of here.

Castiel's dead heart jumps in his chest. Dean's voice is louder, clearer... and nearer. If he focuses on it, he can even feel like he can know what direction it comes from.

Except that this is impossible, isn't it? If Castiel can follow a direction to find the source of this voice... then it would mean that Dean is here. And Dean cannot, should not, be here.

Unless it is a trick, of course. Perhaps the Empty is waiting for Castiel to follow the voice. Or perhaps this is Chuck? Chuck has retrieved people from the Empty before. Perhaps he wants to capture and torture Castiel some more.

Castiel never thought Chuck – his own father – hated him so much. It is a good thing that he no longer feels any filial affection to God. He stopped being his father a long time ago, and any love Castiel could have had left died when Chuck killed Jack. Castiel has had another family, a real family, for a long time now. He does not need a capricious, petty, narcissistic deity.

But even if this is Chuck waiting for him on the other side on the Empty, Castiel cannot remain rooted here. He has to move and find who is calling – he has to find out if this is Dean, and make sure he is safe if this is him.

If this is a trap, Chuck definitely knows how to manipulate him, he thinks ruefully as he starts walking.

Dean's voice soon stops saying anything but Cas, Cas, Cas, Cas, Cas, Cas on a repeat. This single word – his name – follows the rhythm of Castiel's heartbeat. His heart is treacherous, because it wants to believe this is Dean (and that is such a twisted, egotistical hope to have, because if Dean is here, then he is in danger). The way his name is pronounced, this intonation, the emotion contained in this single syllable, how this prayer feels in Castiel's grace – this is all Dean. He does not think anyone in the universe could imitate Dean with such perfection.

Out of nowhere, Castiel collides with someone.

Dean?

It might also be another resident of the Empty. He knows Lucifer is awake, and Ruby too. They are the type to play a trick on him.

It cannot be Dean. Dean would not – Dean has God to kill and humanity to free, why would he be here of all places?

It cannot be Dean – but then Castiel catches the scent of the person he has just bumped into, leather and the Impala and musk. This is Dean.

Dean has come here, in the Empty, to get him back.

Castiel immediately feels ashamed. How could he think that Dean would not come for him? That Dean would not miss him? That Dean did not love him? Not romantically, not the way Castiel has dreamt of for as long as he can remember, but Dean loves him nonetheless – they are family. How could he believe, for even one instant, that Dean would not care, that Dean would accept his death?

Dean is here, for him. Dean has come for him.

He tries to speak – "Dean" – but there is no sound. Of course there is not; they are in the Empty.

Castiel can feel, though. He feels Dean's hand, soft and hesitant, on his shoulder. Then on his arm. Then Dean catches his hand, and squeezes it, soft and hard at the same time, like he has finally found what he has been looking for and cannot let go, but is unsure of his luck at the same time.

Castiel knows how Dean feels. Of course, he is sure that this is Dean, because he has heard Dean's prayer and Dean's ritual. But for Dean, Castiel must be but an unknown person that might or might not be Cas.

Cas squeezes back. This is me, Dean. He laces their fingers together, and marvels that Dean is letting him do it. Cas never thought he could even go that far.

Dean is trembling with all his body. Fear? Adrenaline? Emotion? Castiel wants to comfort him, embrace him, until his body goes soft with trust and calm. He knows he cannot. He would never expect Dean to accept that; it would be too much to ask. Castiel can't be as selfish as to take without Dean's enthusiastic consent.

Dean can't seem able to stop touching Cas. Another hand comes up, caresses Cas's face, soft as a lover's, so soft and loving that Cas could cry, because how many times has he dreamt of something similar? His lips, his jaw, his cheek, his nose, his eyes, his hair, everything Dean touches comes back to life. Cas feels alive, electrified, and loved. This is terrifying, and sublime, and too good to be true. He cannot let himself dream; but he lets himself savour it, because how could he not?

The trembling hand on his face discovers his body, soft and slow, as if they were making love. This hand screams Tell me this is you, tell me this is really you and Cas wants to scream back Tell me this is real, tell me this is really happening.

Dean's fingers stroke Cas's face, explore him, love him. Cas cannot see, but he closes his eyes all the same. This is overwhelming. This is the best he will ever have, and he doesn't want to miss any millisecond of it, even though he knows this memory will haunt and taunt him forever. He has reached a new level of happiness, though tainted with melancholy because this will not last: it is simply Dean battling with his own faith and making sure he has found the good angel.

And found he has. Cas has never felt more found in his life. Not even when, in Hell, he felt this beautiful, luminous, pure and loving soul for the first time.

He doesn't want this moment to end. He doesn't want Dean to be consumed by doubt, either. He needs to do something. So Castiel raises his hand, and touches Dean's face too.

This is more than he should be allowed to do, but Dean lets him nevertheless, and finally, Cas can know the feeling of Dean's face under his hand, the hard and soft lines of it, the grain of his skin. He feels tears, and lines of worry, and a clenched jaw. Oh, to know that he has inflicted that on Dean! Guilt tastes like acid on Castiel's tongue.

Cas feels Dean's eyes close, as if Dean was relishing his touch, as well. Then his fingers are on Dean's lips, and he feels them move under his fingers. A whisper, nothing more, but he can feel the breath on his skin, and every movement on his flesh. He does not need to hear to hear what Dean is saying, because he feels it. "Cas." Feeling it on his skin like that feels oddly intimate.

So Cas does the only other intimate thing he knows, and moves his hand to Dean's left shoulder, presses it lightly, like he always does. This was how Dean knew he wasn't himself but Lucifer, he remembers. This is how they recognise each other; this is how their bond came to existence.

Immediately, all tension leaves Dean's body. Cas steps up, bringing them closer to each other, and Dean's body relaxes against his.

They are not embracing, not truly – no matter how much Castiel wants to – but he feels Dean's body, Dean's breath, Dean's warmth all the same. It is a revelation in the silence of the Empty.

It is as if all rage has left Dean's body – this rage that Chuck awoke out of proportions lately, this rage that is destroying Dean. Now, Dean only feels relieved and unburdened against Castiel's body.

They are still holding hands, Cas realises. At the same moment, he realises that all this time they have had a very simple manner of communicating, and they haven't used it. He was too busy enjoying Dean's touch, like the terrible friend he is.

He moves his fingers on Dean's palm, and this, too, feels intimate. He spells the letters of Dean's name, slowly, one after the other.

Dean answers back as soon as he is finished. C-A-S-C-O-M-E-H-O-M-E.

Castiel tenses immediately. He cannot come home. He wants to, but what deal has Dean struck for him? He isn't necessary. But peace is, and deals are lethal – they take away peace, and hope, and life, and Cas cannot have that for Dean. Once Chuck is defeated, Dean deserves a good life, not one doomed by a deal made to get him back.

But Dean squeezes his hand even harder, and Cas knows immediately what Dean is telling him. Trust me, Cas.

Castiel has always trusted Dean, with his life, with his heart, with his everything. He would let no one else guide him in the dark.

So Castiel follows.

Dean doesn't let go of his hand, not one second. His grip is tight, as if he was afraid Cas would disappear if he didn't anchor him hard enough. Cas feels like he could indeed vanish if Dean stopped touching him; but he should not worry, because Cas has no intention of letting go.

They walk for a long time. Cas doesn't count how much. He doesn't care; he is entirely focused on the feeling of Dean's hand in his. He knows, now, that Dean will walk him out of here, he has no doubt on that. He knows, too, that as soon as they are back, Dean will let go of his hand, hug him, maybe, because Dean always hugs him when Cas comes back from the dead, and then things will go back to normal. Cas likes normal between them; it is good, even if he (stupidly, selfishly) dreams of more. But for now, Cas simply wants to enjoy what he will never have again.

Dean doesn't have to worry, though: Cas will never ask anything of him, ever. That Dean came for him is more than he needs, more than he hoped for. Cas just hopes his confession will not taint things between them, that Dean and he will not grow apart. That things will be different (that Dean will look at him differently, will want a distance between them) is what terrifies Castiel most.

But when Cas strokes his thumb on Dean's palm (he can't help himself), Dean doesn't squirm away, nor does he flinch. He simply squeezes, again, softly.

Cas hates his treacherous heart for hoping against hope.

Then there is light.

Next (and final chapter): our two boys get back to the Bunker and... things happen!