Be Venting though...
Oblivion was something which she didn't know existed until recently, the thought of not being good enough was very much prominent in her mind. She loved Peter and that was something she would always cherish but the ability to be loved was something she couldn't comprehend. She was distraught and totally thought that she couldn't do this anymore. She had the interior scars to show her suffering but the thoughts always consumed her. Carla was always someone who was complex, Peter knew this and her feelings somehow seemed to disintegrate into nothingness and that was ok because this was her, she didn't want to worry him and so be it even though he was worried deep down.
Peter was distraught by the accusations thrown at him. The holiday had been something which was very much welcomed but did it fix anything? No, not really and that's what hurt, very much a sticking plaster. She was still distant, refusing to be close to him and that was because he knew she was a private person, even with him. Yes, he had that ability to understand the entirety of her body, her feelings, her mind but here was something she would always hold back, that was her privacy, privacy which she would keep from him even though she knew he deserved to know.
Privacy was something she relished, something she always thought would be a part of her, her childhood was very much private, well her feelings were her family wasn't exactly that. Her mother shouting abuse at her, her stepfather also doing the same, drunken messed the lot of them but that was fine she learnt to cope with that. There was a reason for everything after all. Whatever happened in the past would shape her for the future. A future with her and Peter? She didn't know but that was ok, she didn't need to know, all she needed to know was all that about herself.
Things had been difficult for a while she didn't know how to react to them being back here, being away it was like they were in their own little bubble which was bliss, really lovely and all that but being back here the reality set in only if he knew the true extent of her understanding of their relationship she didn't know how to feel and she justified the feelings of normalness.
She didn't want normal though, she wanted to feel like the world didn't depend on her to do something right she wanted to feel free and within that came a great anxiety resulting to her relationship with Peter. She couldn't feel free with him. She felt trapped in her previous feelings but she genuinely felt the love from the bottom of her soul to the world around her and that's what made it difficult for her to give him up even though he wasn't good for her or was he?
It's not about control. That's not what this was about, it was about being happy and her wanting that. She was in denial and that was ok because no matter how hard she tried things would still be difficult between them both, she was willing to accept that but the love she had for him kept drawing her back and in the end that was enough.