You were doing just fine before you met him, and you'll do just fine once he leaves.
Adam just stared down and continued to swing, silent as ever. Michael had fallen asleep again - but this time, he had fallen asleep while in control, and, at the risk of waking him, the demon had decided it was probably best if he remained inside their head for the time being. And so, he had retreated to the park, swinging back and forth, back and forth, the soft creaking of the chains only enough to bring him out of his thoughts for a good few seconds before he was forced back in again. Forced to remember, to recall, the words Lucifer had said.
You're a coward, that had gotten to him, in a way he couldn't even begin to describe. It was infuriating and hurtful all at once, enough to leave him tense, wondering if he was right - but only because of his following words. Hiding behind a mask of arrogance. Pushing away anybody who tries to get underneath. Because you can't stand the idea - not just of someone caring about you - but of you ending up reciprocating those feelings.
That had definitely hit just a little bit too close to home.
He already knew how he felt about Michael. That revelation had come during their last argument. The demon cared about him, on some level. Enough that he knew he wouldn't be able to function without him - but was that caring, or was that just need? Of course, he cared about the archangel. Hell, he was completely, utterly lost just because of the guilt that had come with hurting him, and the fear that he might have lost him forever. And sure, he was able to admit all of this in his own head, he didn't exactly have a choice. But when it came down to it - he didn't know how he felt about Michael. He didn't know what Michael was to him other than his 'body-buddy'. Of course, he'd thought about it, but not like this.
You're like a brother to me, Adam. The archangel's words rang in his head, and the demon quietly skidded the swing to a stop, looking down. He didn't even know if he could return that; He didn't know what a brother was really… supposed to be. He knew they weren't supposed to leave each other in Hell… the demon almost snorted, shaking his head a little and struggling to focus. A brother was definitely one way to describe it, on some level. At least, he assumed so.
It was so damn hard to grasp the idea, the thought that he actually, genuinely cared about Michael. He'd never thought about it before, not like this; He'd never really had to. But now, it was more than even that - he wanted to, he wanted to stop running from this. Somehow, it was making him feel even weaker than ever - and that was what he was trying to avoid.
Growing slightly irritated with himself, Adam pushed himself off of the swing and turned away with a frown. The memory gave away to that familiar, dizzying darkness before he had completely turned, leaving him in a completely, utterly blank area before it began to fill up again. His and Michael's memories flooded through, mixing and swirling, words and voices echoing through the demon's mind; Adam just began walking, silent, eyes fixed downwards, listening. He heard some things he remembered, himself, but some from Michael's side that he didn't.
One, in particular, caught his attention. He paused, but he didn't open the memory up, didn't try to dig a little deeper. He just listened, eyes narrowed, as Sam's voice echoed through the darkness, soft and compassionate - disgustingly so… but he reminded him of Michael in that aspect, so he couldn't exactly hate it as much as he wanted to.
"You were there for Adam when we c- … when we weren't. When we should have been. And… Well, it's clear that you care about each other. At the very least, you care about him. I'm just glad someone has his back."
At this, Adam finally faltered again. But there was no anger, just confusion, and pain. Sam was right; Michael had been there when no one else was - not that he'd had much of a choice. But he still could have left the second the Cage had opened, he could have left Adam right then and there, but he hadn't. He had waited with him, he had understood that neither of them were ready, understood that this was something they had needed to do together. The archangel had always… had his back, as Sam had said. But the thought made him feel hollow.
He was starting to realize it now, though, the reason he had gotten so irritated in the first place, the reason he had lashed out at Michael as he had. Not because of him, not really, but because he didn't understand how the archangel could care about him so much, when… the demon shook his head a little and shut his eyes, exhaling slowly through his teeth and turning away from the memory. It was so hard, trying to pick through his own emotions, figure out how he felt; With Michael, it was so simple. Why was is harder for him?
He glanced back, just for a moment, Sam's voice still echoing through the darkness. He continued to listen on for a while, letting it loop around, but eventually, he had to shut it out. He was even more confused by how genuine it had seemed, how resigned Sam seemed to be to it. The fact that an archangel had been a better brother to Adam than he had been. But he seemed genuinely glad, even through all of that, because at least the demon had still had someone. That confused Adam even more than he would have liked to admit…
Everything was confusing right then. He just wanted it all to stop, but he didn't even know how to do that much. How to make the constant whirlwind of thoughts and emotions just pause, just for one second, to just give him a brief moment of the clarity that he so badly needed.
He wanted to talk to Michael. So badly. Even if just for a second. But he couldn't even do that, because the damn archangel was asleep now… And Adam still didn't know where to begin. How to begin. The demon groaned a little, closed his eyes, and continued on his way through the darkness with a sigh. It was easier to be alone in his own head than it was to be in control by himself, but it still sucked that he couldn't break anything in here…
Adam made his way to the back of their mind, eventually searching for one memory in particular; The other park, the one they had gone to during their first night on Earth.
That was when everything had changed, Adam had noticed. They had only begun arguing when they'd come to Earth - and neither of them really knew why. It had been so sudden, their little disagreements. It had started out small, only to lead to this, their big blowout. The demon grimaced as he settled himself down on the bench, leaning his head back and looking up at the stars. He hated himself for thinking it, but a part of him wondered if Lucifer was right - if, if he pushed hard enough, he'd end up pushing Michael away. If… maybe he'd pushed too hard, and he already had. The thought, however, made his chest tighten, so he tried to ignore that.
He sat there for a while, just staring up, struggling against the exhaustion that was starting to cloud his mind. He didn't understand it, they'd been resting more than ever - maybe it was being 'separated', that had made them spiral into this. Being ripped in half, no longer whole. It probably, definitely, took some kind of toll - and maybe that toll was making them tired as hell. The demon was torn between letting himself rest a little more, or staying awake; But he wanted to stay awake, just long enough for Michael to wake up.
And what, exactly, do I plan to say to him, anyway? The demon groaned a little bit and crossed both of his arms over his face, sinking a little deeper into the bench. That was the hard part; Starting the conversation. But he still wanted to - before it was too late, if it wasn't already. And if it was, then he wanted to know. He needed to know. How they were supposed to proceed. Would they just allow themselves to fall apart? Was there any other option, if they had already been completely ripped, and severed into two different halves again, anyway?
But even with that chance, with that fear lingering in the air, something had to be done, something had to be said. Because Lucifer's words were still there, lingering at the front of his mind, and it was damn well driving him crazy. If he hadn't been able to function before, then he most certainly wouldn't be able to now, with the Devil's smug-ass voice in his head… idiot…
… He genuinely hated that, the fact that Lucifer seemed to know exactly what to say. Like the Devil had known exactly what made him tick, and what buttons to press to make him just about explode. That thought didn't settle too well with him - but the honesty, he had to admit, the honesty was always welcome. He missed the comfort and the calm and the compassion that Michael provided, but there was nothing like being knocked down a few more pegs, especially if the person knocking you down had a pretty damn valid point. Didn't piss him off any less, but.
Thinking about that, though, about honesty, another realization struck.
This one was even more sickening. The insistence, the way he told himself he didn't care - about Michael, about Lucifer, about his brothers, all of it. The way he distanced himself, refused to get close - pushed others away and pretended he was fine with that… that was lying, he was lying, even if only to himself - and that realization struck something the second the thoughts had crossed his mind, striking the highest chord, and now he couldn't take it back.
Nor could he take back the sudden, deep, hatred that had flared up.
"Motherfucker…" Adam breathed, burying his face into his hands at once and screwing his eyes shut as tight as possible. That explosive rage was beginning to bloom again, fingers twitching and every muscle in his body pulled taut with the just barely-restrained anger, just enough to keep him sitting exactly where he was so that he didn't take control and tear the rest of the library apart. Here he was, despising Sam and Dean for lying to him, when he'd been doing this the entire time. Lying to himself, deceiving himself, out of fear.
The hatred continued to brew, unshakeable - not that he was really trying to shake it. No, he let it come now, let it all flow as freely as possible, but the rage, he stifled. The rage didn't hurt as much as this terrifying realization, nor was it comparable to the agony he experienced upon realizing that the line he'd drawn between himself and his brothers was getting less and less clear with each passing second. There was nothing like that kind of pain, and he welcomed it.
Until, at least, Michael woke up.
It took a second for the emotions to register on both accounts; Michael was still mildly exhausted, and Adam was simply completely frozen. But, even then, he did something he hadn't tried to do in a really long time; He pressed a little, only slightly, finally trying to get a little deeper than the distance they had put between them. Michael almost recoiled in response, but then he was still. And then, slowly but surely, he was prodding back in response, uncertain.
And then, that was it- once Adam really registered the emotions for the first time - the fear, the confusion, the desperation - he couldn't do it anymore, he just wasn't that strong-willed, not when it came to this. The demon lifted his head from his hands, but only to press his chin against his knuckles, staring ahead over the park for a long, long time.
It had already been too long. Adam was sick of it. Michael was as close as he could be, and yet he'd never felt further away than he did now.
Adam closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. He still didn't know what he wanted to say, but he knew where he wanted to start, and he knew that he wanted to stop lying, to Michael, and to himself. It wasn't fair, not to either of them - and, fuck, Adam didn't want to become his brothers. He didn't want to live his life based on lies. He didn't want to run from how he felt, even if it did make him weak - but, if he was being honest, he'd never felt weaker than he had since he had taken off. He certainly had never felt more alone.
And on Michael's end, it didn't seem much better.
Finally, unable to take it much more, the demon straightened up and opened his eyes again. "Michael, I-"
He barely got the second word out before Michael had appeared, at once, at the sound of his name. Adam jerked back a little bit, more startled than anything, and in response, the archangel ended up taking several steps back, a guilty look replacing the worried expression that had been written across his face at once. "Sorry, I…"
"No, it…" Adam shook his head, trailing off. Unimportant; That was unimportant. There were much more pressing matters that they needed to discuss, more problems that they needed to get through. And, hell, maybe it was unfixable, Adam didn't know anymore, but he knew, more than ever, that he wanted - no, he needed to try, because clearly, this just wasn't doing this for either of them. The demon looked away, just for a second, before slowly pushing himself to stand. It was now or never; All in or all out.
"We…" Adam ran his tongue over his lips, took a deep breath, and turned back to the archangel. Michael just stood absolutely still, staring back at him, nothing but concern in his eyes. "We need to talk."