TEDDY

Once at my favorite roast chicken place I keep my word and I eat almost a whole chicken.

"Wow, you really meant it!" Conrad tells me, amazed to see me eat this way.

"I'm pregnant, I'm entitled to do this". I answer with my mouth full of food.

"You just realized two hours ago!" He laughs softly.

"I know, but it's weird, it's like something has been switched on inside me and suddenly I have all the symptoms, I'm just waiting for the nausea".

"Mood swings came a long time ago." He says mockingly.

"What do you mean?"

"Honey, you've been acting like..."

"Like a bitch, I know". I groan. "Is it too obvious?" He nods and I lay my forehead on my hand.

"And this is just the beginning."

"Thanks for cheering me up." He laughs and blows me a kiss.

"So, when are you going to tell... to you know, about the baby?"

Suddenly I lose my appetite. "I don't know, but maybe in a few weeks? According to my calculations I'm around 4 almost 5 weeks, I would like to wait at least a couple of months more".

"Why?"

"You know, the first trimester is the most critical and things are already tense between Owen and me, there's no need to add more to it if in the end I..."

"Do not you dare say that, you and the baby will be fine."

"We do not know that, anything can happen so ... at least I'll wait until this critical stage is over".

"If that's what you want, I support your decision". Conrad answers me, taking my hand giving a slight squeeze, I can only return a small smile. "Hey, guess what?"

"What"

"Your baby is the size of a poppy seed".

My smile grows widely and my eyes fill with tears. "And soon its heart will start to beat". I answer in a choked voice.

Once back in my apartment in the cold solitude of my bedroom my happiness seems to have waned and now I'm extremely scared... and sad. I'm lying in bed staring at the ceiling, clutching the quilt tightly, pressing it against my chest. The colder I feel the lonelier I feel; I look at the place next to me in bed. Empty. Just a couple of weeks ago Owen was there, I was in his arms laughing at the absurdity of the situation while outside the lonely streets were covered in white with the snowfall. Owen Hunt, naked in my bed. Owen Hunt, naked in my bed in Germany, I in his arms, also naked, but oh so warm and protected. But tonight he wasn't here, I don't feel warm or protected, the only thing that stayed the same was the snow, falling slowly.

I don't know what I'm going to do, how I'll tell Owen that I'm pregnant, I know I still have a few weeks to plan everything but I know myself, the more I wait the more anxious I'll get. Should I tell him now? What time is it in Seattle? I look at the clock on the bedside table, 4:16 AM, that means it's 7:16 PM on the other side of the world. What's Owen doing? Is he working? Is he at home? ... Is he thinking about me? Let it go Theodora, of course he's not thinking about you... or maybe he is.

Slowly I slide my hand to my lower belly and place it there, where my baby grows, now the size of a poppy seed and in a few months the size of a pumpkin or a watermelon, I laugh at the thought How will I look? I've never been a big person so it'll be fun, I think. Is Owen going to like how I'll look? Not again, Theodora! I scold myself, if these are my hormones working the next few months will be a hell of mood swings. What will Owen think of me losing composure? Stop!

I growl and throw the quilt and the sheets aside and I sit in bed looking at the window, in less than 40 minutes my alarm clock will go off so there is no need to keep trying to sleep. I get up, I go to the bathroom and I stand in front of the mirror, sideways, of course there is not even the slightest hint of my condition yet I put my hand there and smile. I can do this, I'm going to do this, with or without Owen I'm going to do this. I bring my hand to my lips, kiss the tips of my fingers and return it to where I had it with a gentle rub.

After taking a shower, getting dressed and making something for breakfast I leave for work. When I arrive the whole staff of doctors and nurses look at me with expectant eyes, I don't know if it is because they already know the news or simply because of the show I gave yesterday when I fainted. Not that a pregnancy is something easy to hide, in a couple of months everyone will know, honestly I don't care, it isn't like I want to hide it, but I won't go around shouting it from the rooftops; the only thing that causes me some discomfort is what will they say, it's not like I've been in an official relationship that they knew about, they think I don't realize but I know that more than one of them call me "spinster". Well, now the old spinster left on the shelf is pregnant.

A lot of the people I work with know Owen and a few others know that there was some sexual tension between us during our time in Iraq, I shudder to think what they will say when they know Owen is the father of my child. Again, not now Theodora so without giving importance to the looks I go to my office to start my day. A few minutes later Conrad peeks out the door with a cardboard tray with two cups and a paper bag.

"Major Altman, can I come in?"

I laugh. "Always". He comes in, places the things on my desk and goes straight to give me a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

"How did my favorite pregnant lady sleep?" He takes my face in his hands and looks into my eyes. "You didn't sleep at all, did you?" He scolds me.

I puff. "You already know me; my mind was running wild".

He sits on the edge of my desk and takes my hands between his. "You have to rest, little bird, yesterday was an exciting day, today you have a marathon day and you spent the night awake... it doesn't do you any good, it doesn't do you two any good".

"I know... after my noon meeting I'll have a couple of hours off, I promise I'll go to sleep". I answer, raising my hand in a sign of promise.

He looks at me doubtfully, frowning and pursing his lips. "I don't know why but I don't believe you".

"You don't trust me?!"

"I know you enough to know that you will spend your free time thinking instead of sleeping".

"I spent the whole night thinking how I will tell Owen this". I answer looking at my hands in my lap. "I was about to call him on more than one occasion".

"Everything will be fine baby, I'm furious with that ginger but for all the things you've told me this is good... a baby is always good news and he always wanted a baby, he will be excited".

"After how things ended between the two of us?"

"Well, at the beginning it will be shocking but once the news sink in it'll be a matter of time for him to also go crazy with the news, and who knows, maybe you two... you know".

"I hope you are right".

"I'm always right little bird... but enough of sad thoughts, I brought you some delicious donuts, a coffee, decaf of course and a hot chocolate".

"I love you so much". I answer as I open the donut bag inhaling the sweet smell. "If you weren't gay I would've proposed to you many years ago".

"I know honey; I have that effect with straights". He says sighing and we both laugh loudly.

"Hey, guess what?"

"What"

"I made an appointment with the OB-GYN, it's in two weeks".

"Really? Teddy, that's great!"

"I know... I wanted to, I want to ask you if..."

"Absolutely!" He answers before I can even ask him the question.

"You don't even know what I'm going to ask you". I laugh.

"To go with you?" I just smile. "See? ... I wouldn't miss this for nothing in the world".

Indeed, as Conrad had predicted, I spent my free time thinking too much instead of resting. When was time to go home I was so, but so tired that I didn't have the strength to even drive back home, so without shame I locked myself in an on call room, I wasn't going to risk driving with this snowfall, so tired and in my condition, I wasn't going to risk my baby.

The days went on and everything was more or less the same, work, overthink, rest little, work, overthink, rest little; soon the lack of rest, stress, overwork and pregnancy passed the bill to my body and I fainted again, this time at home, with no one there to help me...