TEDDY

When I wake up from my unconsciousness I find myself lying on the kitchen floor with a broken cup next to me and my pajamas wet by the tea that had been spilled, I'm still dizzy, I don't have the strength to get up, but at least I'm more or less conscious. When I finally feel strong enough I sit leaning on the kitchen island. I feel awfully guilty, I'm not taking care of myself and that's affecting me and therefore it's also affecting my baby. What kind of mother will I be if I can't even guarantee the safety of my baby inside me? I'm terrified again, this isn't right, I can't do this alone, I need someone, I need him.

Today more than ever I need him, tomorrow will be my first appointment with the OB-GYN and I would like him to be there, I know I should be grateful that Conrad will be with me and I won't do it alone, but it's not the same, all these days I dreamed to see his face when I tell him the news so now I'm not sure if I want to do it over the phone, I want to see his reaction, see his crystal blue eyes when he knows I'm carrying his child, I want to see his face in the first ultrasound. I can still cancel the appointment, fly to Seattle, give him the news and get the first ultrasound there. Is that a good idea? Ugh, this is turning out to be harder than I thought. I need advice.

When I finally get to my feet I pick up my phone and call Conrad.

"Teddy!" He tells me as soon as he answers the phone and I can't help but smile widely.

"Hey how are you? Are you busy?"

"No, no, tell me what do you need?"

"An advice".

"Oh... advice... what about?"

"I'm about to take a plane and go to Seattle to tell Owen everything". I blurt out.

"Oh... honey, that's... Are you sure?"

One, two, three seconds. "Yes... no... I don't know".

"I don't know what to say. Didn't you want to wait a couple of months more?"

"Yes, but..." No, I won't tell him that a couple of hours ago I collapsed in the kitchen of my apartment, if I tell him it's likely that in a matter of minutes he will be here and forbid me to travel to Seattle.

"But?"

"It's just... I need this. Conrad, I need to tell him, it's also his baby he deserves to know".

"In that I agree with you, he deserves to know, but why don't you wait for tomorrow's appointment? You make sure everything is fine with you and the baby so you can be sure that everything is fine".

How do I tell him that I want Owen in my first ultrasound? I don't want to sound ungrateful, he has been with me not only after what happened with Owen but since I came to this little city. I think he's right after all, I'll wait until tomorrow, with the little care I've had with my health and the aches and pains of pregnancy that are beginning to manifest with each passing day I don't know if I'll be able to endure a 12 hours' flight, I don't want more stress for my baby, he or she is the most important thing now so for its well being I'll wait.

"Hmm... you're right, I'll wait".

"I'm always right, honey".

"You're so cocky".

"But you love me".

"Of course I do... Good night Conrad and thank you".

"There is nothing to thank me, little bird. That's what friends are for, sleep tight and take care of that little nephew or niece of mine".

I laugh softly and my hand immediately goes to my belly. "Count on it, good night". And I hang up the phone.

The next morning I wake up earlier than I should, it's my day off and the appointment with the OB-GYN isn't until 5:00 PM, but by 6:00 AM I'm already awake, overthinking as always. I try to sleep for a couple of hours more, I'm extremely exhausted and my baby and my body need the best rest I can have. I drift in and out of sleep for a couple of hours more until I finally fall asleep again.

Hours later I wake up with a start, I was dreaming of this day; I dreamed that Owen was here with me, that I woke up in his arms, those huge arms that always made me feel so small and protected, he pressed me firmly but gently against his chest, our hands entwined on my belly, I turned slowly and woke him up with a soft and chaste kiss, he opened his eyes and immediately a smile was drawn on his lips. "Good morning, beautiful". He told me with a voice still hoarse from sleeping. "How did my treasures sleep?" My smile reflects his. "Excellent, with you I always sleep excellent, we always sleep excellent with you".

Then we both kissed passionately and in a matter of minutes we were both naked, loving each other, then we stayed in bed until late, our bodies intertwined, talking about the present and the future so promising that presented to us, he kissed my neck and his finger played with my belly button. "Soon it'll pop out or disappear", and we laughed out loud, then together we got ready to go to our appointment only I never got to that part, this wasn't real, like many of the things in my life, this wasn't real.

I huff and get out of bed towards the bathroom. It's 10:00 AM and I can't stay in bed for another minute. I shower, get dressed and have breakfast and by 12:00 PM I don't have anything else to do but wait until Conrad comes to go to my appointment together. Having a free day and so much free time doesn't do good to my mind. I'm an over thinker, I can't help it. My mind is always on alert, always anticipating things, always thinking ahead. I begin to review in my mind my obstetrics lessons that I had in med school, I start thinking about everything that can go wrong. Molar pregnancy, ectopic pregnancy, osteogenesis, down syndrome, spina bifida, cardiopathies, cleft lip, anencephaly.

I shudder.

Stop, Teddy.

I need to occupy my mind on something, so I go to check medical records and budget while it's time for my appointment. Never did I stop rubbing my belly gently, in the last two weeks I have been feeling nauseous, although I haven't yet vomited. This day especially my stomach is particularly restless, it's probably nerves, it's way too early to feel any movement, I'm only 6-7 weeks.

Finally, the time comes, Conrad is in my apartment half an hour earlier.

"Ready to see that sweet baby?" He asks me, hugging me tightly.

"Yeah." It's all I can say with a trembling sigh.

He takes me by the chin and looks me in the eyes. "Calm down".

"I'm so nervous. I haven't stopped thinking about everything that can go wrong".

"That's what I thought. But if something is wrong with the baby you are not alone. Okay? You have me and surely Owen, with how idiot he is and everything he will be here too".

I just smile "Hey! I wanted to show you something".

"What".

I stand sideways and frame "my belly." "See?" I ask with a huge smile.

I don't know if I'm crazy and I'm just seeing what I want to see, but this morning when I was getting a shower I could almost swear I saw the shadow of a bump, although it could have been bloating due to stress. Conrad laughs at me and I feel like crying. "What?" I ask trying to keep my voice from trembling as if I were about to fall apart in tears.

"Love. You only are, what, six or seven weeks? There's no way you're already showing".

"I'm very thin, I can start to show earlier, also all pregnancies are different". I answer while the tears run down my cheeks "Damn it, Conrad!"

"Come here, sweetie". He says wrapping me in his arms.

"Damn hormones!" I sob against his chest.

"Ok, let's not waste more time. Lass uns gehen, lass uns gehen!"

Together we go to the doctor's office. I decided to see an OB-GYN in Kaiserslautern, I don't want to mix my personal matters with the work ones so the more I can keep both separate better.

Conrad and I are so nervous. It's sweet to see how he is nervous too, his leg jumps up and down as he bites the nail of his thumb. In a strange way it makes me feel assured. No, loved. He cares about me and my baby and that speaks volumes of how much he loves me.

"Is this your first baby?" One of the women who are also waiting to be called asks Conrad and me. She's in a much more obvious stage than me, around 5 or 7 months I would say. She's accompanied by her partner who has his arm around her shoulders and his other hand placed on her baby bump while caressing it up and down. I feel a twinge in my chest. I want that with Owen. I try to calm down thinking that with luck for the next ultrasound those will be Owen and me. Yes, it will be.

"Oh no... we..." I start to answer, but Conrad interrupts me.

"Oh no, it's our fifth and counting". He answers the couple with a huge smile while hugging me and placing his hand on my belly and I look at him with wide eyes and I have to make a big effort not to burst into laughter.

"Oh, t-t-the fourth. That-that's wonderful! This is our second". The woman's husband answers clearly surprised.

"Congratulations". I answer, biting my lips to keep from laughing.

"It must be difficult to deal with so many children, isn't it? How old are they?" The woman asks me. Oh my God, what do I answer? I turn to see Conrad waiting for him to do it, after all he started this.

"Oh no, not at all! We were born to be parents, isn't that right, my love?" He kisses me in the temple. "Our oldest son is 16, Thomas. Then there's Calvin with 11, Kevin with 8 and then there's Kim, our only girl, our little princess, she has 4 ". Oh my God, Conrad has to shut up if he doesn't want me to ruin his stupid joke with my laughter.

"Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, it's your turn". The assistant calls the couple and as soon as they cross the door of the office Conrad and I burst out laughing.

"Why did you do that, Conrad ?!" I chastise Conrad, still laughing.

"I didn't like the way they were looking at us. Also, I wanted to make you feel less anxious, apparently it worked".

"You're impossible".

20 minutes later we are in the office of Dr. Schwarz. She is too young to be a specialist, suddenly I feel ashamed, she can't be more than 35 years old, and here I am at 41 with my first pregnancy.

"Good afternoon. Mrs. Altman, isn't it?". She greets me as she looks at my medical file.

"It is". I answer nervously.

"A pleasure". She says reaching out her hand. I wipe my hand against my jeans before taking her hand. "You must be Mr. Altman".

I look at Conrad with a warning look, this isn't the time for his jokes. "Oh no, I'm just her friend".

"Ok, then let's start. From what I see in the file sent to me by your GP you are pregnant, isn't it?"

"Yes".

"Would this be your first medical check-up?"

"Yes". I can't answer with more than monosyllables.

"OK, well. Please go to the bathroom and put on the robe that is there, then we can proceed with the examination".

Conrad gives me a gentle squeeze in the hand and I go to the bathroom, minutes later I'm back and Dr. Schwarz is getting her medical equipment ready. First she asks me a few questions and I can't miss her surprised expression when I tell her that I'm 41 years old and this is my first pregnancy, however, she immediately conceals her surprise. Then she weighs me, takes my blood pressure, takes some blood samples and finally the moment I was waiting for the most.

The ultrasound.

My entire body shakes with excitement and on my lips a smile dances, but at the same time my head and my thoughts run wildly with thousands of thoughts about everything that can go wrong.

I lie on the bed and place my feet on the stirrups with my legs open. Suddenly I feel so vulnerable, it's easy to be on the other side, be the doctor and not think about the discomfort my patients might feel and just do my job, but being on this other side makes me see things completely different.

Conrad takes a stool and sits next to me holding my hand tightly. And the examination begins. Dr. Schwarz presses buttons, moves knobs, moves the transducer inside my cervix. I can't help but flinch and moan slightly each time she moves it and I hold on tighter from Conrad's hand.

"Well this is a surprise". Says Dr. Schwarz as she turns the screen towards me. "See that little white bubble?" I nod and prop up on my elbows to get a closer look at the screen. She again moves the transducer inside me and I grimace again. "And you see this other little bubble? It's your other baby... they're twins".