TEDDY

I had never felt so lonely in my life, not even after Henry died and deep down I know I'm not alone, I have Conrad and soon I'll have two human beings who will be all mine for life. But I can't help it, I feel sad, alone, empty.

The crushing weight of loneliness takes my sleep away and I'm not even sorry. Curious how the human mind works in mysterious ways, isn't it? That gray mass covered with neurons sending nerve impulses among them that it doesn't matter if we are surrounded by people, that damn gray mass makes us feel that we are the loneliest and most miserable beings in the world, even if we have everything to be happy.

The days, weeks and months pass in a blurry whirlwind of which I don't remember most of it.

I stopped sleeping, I stopped eating, I stopped laughing. Nothing motivates me, not even this pair of babies that grew inside me by day.

I stopped working, Conrad took my position temporarily. I know he cares about me, every day he calls me and comes to my apartment, but I've started pushing him away, not answering his calls, not opening the door. Avoiding him.

The first months were the worst, I was tired all the time, a combination of my depressed mood and the tiredness of pregnancy that resulted in me sleeping for hours every day. I slept during the day and cried at night. Like a shadow wandering around my apartment, a shell of the woman I used to be before that damn night when Owen showed up.

I stopped going out to the street. The only occasions I left my place were for my medical check-ups. I was losing weight even when my babies were growing, although the doctor warned me, "Not at the rate they should".

She prescribed food supplements. I immediately threw them in the trash. Conrad was furious.

"Teddy, you have to feed yourself".

"I'm not hungry".

"But probably your babies are". I shrugged.

"Do you want them to die?"

I kicked him out of my house. He was back the next day. I welcomed him crying.

But I had moments of light too. They were rare but I had them. Like when the twins moved for the first time. When I started to look properly pregnant. That was a tricky one, sometimes I loved it, sometimes I hated it. Or when Conrad organized an intimate gender reveal party, just he and I, he brought balloons, serpentine, snacks and a cake... they were a boy and a girl.

That day I cried with happiness, I really cried with happiness. I'd have a boy and a girl.

But my happiness didn't last long, the next day I woke up again with that overwhelming feeling of loneliness and sadness back in my head making me hate everything and everyone... and so were the next months, reaching my breakpoint when I was 30 weeks pregnant.

Emotionally I was at my lowest point. I cried for help but I wasn't able to bring myself to ask for it aloud. My translucent skin, my thin arms and legs, my prominent cheekbones, the black circles around my eyes, my dry hair. Conrad did as much as he could, but even I could see the despair on his face. Throughout my pregnancy I had only gained 10 kilos and hadn't bought a single baby item. Conrad noticed it immediately, but I had other plans.

"Hey, I was thinking, tomorrow is Sunday and my day off, we can go buy everything for the babies and set up the little corner/nursery in your bedroom. What do you think?" Conrad asks me one night while we were having dinner in my apartment.

I stir in my seat. I don't know how to say it.

"I... I don't think that's going to be necessary".

"Why not?" He says laughing. "That pair of nuggets will be here sooner than you think".

"Conrad I... I... I'll give them up for adoption".

Conrad is in shock for a few seconds and I can't see him in the face. "WHAT?!" He gets up from his seat and starts pacing in front of me.

"I said I'll give them up—"

"I know what you said! But why?". He asks, raising his voice.

"I... I can't do this Conrad".

He takes the stool next to me and forces me to see him in the face. "You can, love; you are not alone. Between the two of us we will raise that pair of kids".

"They deserve better, Conrad". I tell him, crying. "A person like me shouldn't be allowed to be a mother! Sometimes... sometimes I feel that I don't love them and… and that... that breaks my soul".

"But deep down you know it's not like that, I know it's not like that. Maybe you don't realize, but I know you love—"

"NO!" I shout, getting up from my seat. "I don't want them. I don't want the permanent reminder of what Owen did to me. Of how he mocked me, how he humiliated me, I DON'T WANT THEM!"

"Ok, well." Conrad tells me, clearly upset. "Then get ready because I'll do everything possible to adopt them". Then he takes his coat and leaves my house closing the door with a loud bang.

I crumble apart and fall on my knees to the ground crying.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry". I say, while hugging my baby bump. "You deserve better than this".

I can't sleep all night. Partly because I can't stop crying and partly because I can't stand the pain in my lower back, as well as the slight spasm in my pelvis, but I don't give them importance, I keep letting myself fall into that bottomless hole of self-pity.

The sun is already shining high in the sky when I start to feel extremely tired. I try to sleep and just when I'm about to fall asleep a sharp pain in my belly makes me sit in the bed clutching my bump. It's unbearable, it lasts several seconds, it makes me sweat and it takes my breath away.

The pain even takes my sleep away, when it finally disappears I get up with difficulty from the bed and walk through my apartment in search of my cell phone.

I'm sure they're contractions, although I'm not sure if they're just Braxton Hicks or actually I'll give birth now.

The thought of giving birth right now terrifies me to the point of crying. I'm not ready, I'm not ready yet to go through all the pain of giving birth and then giving up my children.

I hadn't yet begun the process of giving them up for adoption, I still didn't choose the couple that would give them all the love that I could never give them, I had made the decision just the day before. My head still didn't assimilate my decision at all. I wasn't ready.

I pace and pace through my apartment with difficulties, the pain decreased but didn't disappear. My phone is nowhere to be found and the landline phone has been cut for months now.

Minutes later the contractions come back making me bend in pain. I lean against the kitchen island panting through clenched teeth. I'm not able to even timing the contraction, my mind is completely wrapped by pain.

When again the pain is fading I feel a slight pressure in my pelvis and then what I feared most, these weren't false contractions, I'm in labor. My waters have broken.

I start to pant more quickly, I'm in panic. My landline doesn't work, I can't find my cell phone, much less my car keys, I don't remember the last time I drove.

I walk slowly through the pain, the pressure is getting more and more intense. I throw cushions and blankets around. I turn drawers and cupboards around. Nothing.

Again another contraction.

I don't know what to do, I'm completely cut off.

I leave my apartment and hang up on the neighbor's doorbell. Nothing. No one.

I start crying, I feel lost.

I try to remember where was the last place where I left my cell phone, I try, but the pain clouds my mind every time more and more.

I go back to my apartment and that's when I notice it, there are some drops of blood on the floor. I look down but my huge baby bump doesn't allow me to see my legs, reach with my hand under my dress to touch my crotch and bring my fingers back soaked in blood. I panic.

I walk as fast as I can to my bedroom. Again I throw cushions, blankets and turn drawers around. Again nothing. Again a contraction.

I sit in bed because my legs are no longer able to keep me standing through the pain. This time I try to time it. Almost a minute. Things are moving fast.

I need a check-up, I need to know how dilated I am but there is no one who can do it, the only option is me.

I bring my hand again between my legs trying to feel my crotch, I try to read with my fingers what I'm touching and then I feel it. I feel it and I freeze. No, it can't be.

I feel something hard.

I feel the baby's head.

I need to act now.

I look for my medical bag in my closet, I walk to the bathroom holding everything I can hold on to. I feel like my legs will give up at any minute.

In my bag there's alcohol, cotton, gauze, scissors, tweezers, clamps and scalpels. I collect towels and trays with hot water. Then I see it, my damn cell phone is next to the sink, connected to the charger, but the charger is not connected to the power plug.

I try to turn it on but it is dead, I plug it to the socket while I wait for it to turn on again through a contraction. I need to push now. I need to push badly.

I kneel on a mound of towels in front of the bathtub, crossing my arms over the edge and lying my head there and then do what my body asks me to do.

I push.

I scream.

I cry.

I do all that alone. I'm bringing my children into the world completely alone. Without Owen by my side hugging me and holding my hand, without him there encouraging me not to give up, telling me that this is almost over, although we both know that it is only the beginning, but the encouraging words are what count. Without him there to hold our children for the first time and cut the cord.

Only me and the walls of this small bathroom will be the witnesses of the birth of my little and fragile babies. My screams and cries bounce off the walls of my apartment becoming echoes. I bury my nails in my own arms while I push and scream. I touch my crotch and I can feel the whole head outside of me. I gently stroke my baby's head and I cry again. It's tiny, I cover it with my whole hand, I want to keep caressing it but there's no time for that, again another contraction makes me scream. Then my scream is overshadowed by a high pitched and gurgling cry.

I look down and a little baby lies crying on the pile of towels. It's a girl. I look at her shocked in amazement, I'm paralyzed, I can't do anything just look at her, she's tiny, she can't weigh more than 4 pounds, then it hits me. She's a preemie, she needs an incubator now, she needs medical attention now and so will her brother.

I reach for my cell phone on the sink and luckily it has already turned on. My first instinct is to call Conrad.

I search among my contacts with trembling hands while my little girl lies, now still on the pile of towels and still connected to me by the umbilical cord. I'm terrified. She doesn't move, but I know she's breathing, I can see her in her tiny chest.

"Yes?"

"CONRAD! Conrad, I-I-I... the-the-the babies. She-she-she doesn't move. I-I-I—"

"Teddy, calm down! What's going on?!"

"I just gave birth!" I blurted out panting and then burst into tears.

"DON'T MOVE! I'm on my way with help!"

I try to keep acting in the middle of the crying, I clamp and cut the cord and minutes later I deliver the placenta. I clean and wrap my little girl with a towel, I take her in my arms and I sit on the floor leaning against the bathtub cradling my baby girl and waiting for Conrad to come with the help. I still have another baby to deliver. My baby boy.

She is tiny, I know she is underweight. I feel so guilty and that only makes me cry more and hug her tighter against my chest. She does not cry, she's mewling softly.

Her skin is pinkish-reddish, she has soft hair all over her head, ginger like her father. I cover her completely with both my hands, she curls up against my chest. I play with her teeny-tiny hands, she can't wrap all her fingers around my index, they are too small.

I don't know how I'll do it. I don't know how I'll be able to give up my babies, I know that it's best for them. I told Conrad that I don't love them, but it's not like that, I love my babies and because I love them I know that this is the best I can do for them. This is an act of love.

I'm still waiting for Conrad to come, with every minute that passes I feel more and more weak. I start to feel the first signs of contractions to give birth to my boy, but I'm so weak that I don't know if I'll be able to do it again. I feel so heavy and the grip around my girl becomes weaker and weaker.

The last thing I remember before closing my eyes is blood, my legs soaked with blood, the white towels stained with blood. Then a loud bang outside, a group of people coming into my bedroom and Conrad screaming my name.

Then everything is darkness.

Peaceful darkness.

It feels good.

I feel at peace for the first time in months.

The darkness embraces me and I let myself go... there's nothing left for me… no one will miss me… He won't miss me… this is it… I'm done.