"And then… well, Jack destroyed him."
Michael felt like he was about to be sick. And, from Adam's end, things weren't exactly sunshine and rainbows, either. There was shock, there was disbelief, there was confusion, there was fury - and while there was no sympathy, no understanding, there was something close, simmering just below the surface, but too far buried under the demon's rage for him to reach right then. The archangel sank back in the chair, hands shaking slightly as he curled their arms around them as tight as he could, a desperate, yet half-hearted attempt to hold both of them together. Neither his mind nor his heart was in it right then, and, despite the story being mostly about Dean and… and other Michael, he could only really focus on one of the things that Sam had said during his explanation, one of the things that had struck him harder than ever.
The reason Dean had let the other Michael in - to kill Lucifer. He felt like his insides had frozen over, pain and confusion swirling in his chest as he fought to make sense of it all. Dean had said that he'd had help before - but Michael hadn't focused on that. But why - above all of that - why hadn't Lucifer said something? During all of his stories, all of the chances he'd had to say hey, bro, by the way, a version of you from another universe killed me, he had never once mentioned a thing - he had never once even hinted, aside from the head-tilts in their direction when he talked about his death, as if he was looking at them, but even then, with no eyes, that was extremely hard to tell anyway…
And then, aside from that, the fact that there were other universes… Michael wasn't as surprised as he should have been - mind you, Adam was still pretty shocked about that particular aspect - but, thinking back, Lucifer had mentioned… he's probably headed off to a new universe by now, starting all over again.
Michael blinked and faltered, gaze flickering away from Sam and Castiel to instead look down at the table, unable to hold eye contact any longer. He just couldn't grasp it, how much they'd missed - how little he'd really known about his Father, including the apparent creation of universes before this one. But, finally, he forced his attention away from that part of it, away from Lucifer, as much as it killed him, to focus on the topic at hand; Dean. It was certainly understandable now, if what Sam was saying about the other Michael was true, his wariness was perfectly justified. Adam both agreed and disagreed.
To think that he was capable of all of that - even another version of him… to think that he would have become that, had he succeeded… Michael felt their throat tighten slightly from the thought. There were so many things he wanted to say, questions he wanted to ask, but he couldn't bring himself to open their mouth. So instead, he just stared down at the table, blinking.
He could have become that. He would have become that.
No, no, no, Adam insisted, drawing Michael from his thoughts. Don't even start with that, Michael. You know you're not capable of that. You know that.
Not anymore, Michael corrected silently. There was a time when he would have been very capable of all of that. If he was so willing to kill his own brother back then, then really, was there a limit to the things he would have done? The thought made him shudder slightly, biting down hard on their lower lip in an attempt to steady himself, to bring himself back to the present, but he was too lost in his own thoughts now.
Finally, though, he managed to - somewhat - bring his mind back to the present. Forcing himself to look up again, he flicked his gaze first to Castiel, and then Sam. And, with nothing else to say, he only mumbled a quiet, "I'm sorry." before he fell silent again, struggling against every part of him at the moment. He didn't want to do this, to sink down into his own shame, his own regrets. He wanted to believe Adam, to listen to Adam, to know that what he was saying was true, but he just couldn't. For the life of him, he just couldn't.
Michael, for fuck's sake- Adam started, then, with a frustrated hiss, the demon abruptly retreated, letting his control slip away at once. Michael's gaze snapped up at once, eyes widening slightly, alarmed, but Adam was speaking before he had time to question the demon. Meet me inside. Now.
Still startled, Michael mumbled another quiet apology to a bewildered looking Sam and an understanding Castiel before he let his own control slip away, following Adam back into the darkness. The demon fought their way through, ignoring each one of the memories they passed, and Michael rushed after him, falling into step with the other quickly. Adam didn't look at him, hands curled into fists at his sides, and the archangel let his gaze linger on the demon for a long moment in confusion, before looking ahead again, wondering where they were going.
Adam led him past both of the parks, eyes narrowed ahead, then stopped. He turned to face Michael abruptly, the darkness enveloping them both briefly, before, abruptly, a memory burst to life, colors exploding around them, and Michael winced slightly in surprise while Adam only crossed his arms over his chest, and waited. Waited, until, finally, suddenly, three certain voices rose up. Michael blinked down at Adam, then turned, eyes widening faintly as he stared.
It was him and his brothers, in Lilith's Chamber, singing. The way they had used to, the way they had always done - content, just for the moment, in each other's presence.
"You can say whatever the fuck you want to, Michael," Adam was still seething as he stepped up beside the archangel, and Michael spared him a quick glance before looking back at himself and his brothers, eyes flickering faintly as he watched. Lucifer was smiling, something that Michael hadn't noticed before, and even Gabriel warmed up as he sang, lips twitching slightly, but going no further than that. The archangel faltered, softening slightly. "But I know you," the demon continued with a huff, blowing his hair from his face, "and you're no monster."
Michael looked over at him, his attention shifting from his brothers to the demon instantly.
Adam glanced back at him, holding his gaze briefly, but he didn't say anything. Finally, after a long moment, Michael managed a faint, albeit hesitant smile, turning completely to face the demon again as he dropped his arms from around himself. "Thank you," he mumbled, quietly, taking a deep breath. Coming from Adam, that certainly meant a lot - now, if only he could actually bring himself to believe it, that would be even better.
"I know you hate yourself, Michael, I just don't… I don't know why," Adam mumbled, tearing his gaze away from the archangel and focusing on the ground instead, his mouth twisting into a deep, sharp grimace as he let his eyes drift shut for a moment. "But you can't focus on being better if you're so focused on how you weren't before. You can't forward if you're stuck on the past - believe me, I know, I've been stuck on the past since we got back." The demon exhaled and opened his eyes again, sparing a glance back up at the archangel. "And you can't blame yourself for something you didn't even do. Not this you - not the real you."
Michael just took in a shaky breath and nodded, looking away. His eyes stung, but no tears came, even as his throat closed up and his mouth went dry. "I'm trying."
"I know." Adam fell silent for a moment, and when he spoke again, he was hesitant, but still genuine. Michael blinked his eyes open again, looking down at him as the demon continued. "I want…" The demon trailed off, licking his lips, then took in a deep breath and raised his head. "You said you wanted me to be happy, and I want you to be, too. How are you supposed to be happy when you second guess every step you take, when you- when you beat yourself up over every little mistake, even if you're not even in the wrong?" Michael didn't respond, tears finally brewing up in the archangel's eyes, and Adam took a step forward. "Michael, you can't do this to yourself anymore. You're always so set on making things right, aren't you? Maybe the one you need to start with is you."
"I know- you're right- I know- I just-" Michael took a deep, shaky breath and held it for a moment, squeezing his eyes shut as tight as he could and shaking his head desperately. "It's so hard. Everything I do is so damn hard all the time."
"I know," Adam's voice finally wavered, but didn't break. "But you're not doing this alone."
Michael didn't say anything for a moment, pressing his hands into his eyes and nodding. After a while, both of them silent, listening to the singing archangels only several feet away, Michael dropped his hands again, took a deep breath, and looked back over at Adam, who was just watching him carefully. "Where'd this come from, anyway?" He questioned shakily, trying to smile. The tears had cleared away, thankfully enough, but his chest still ached painfully, his throat was still tight. "I thought you hated, uh… feelings…"
"I do," Adam muttered, eyes narrowing and a slight scowl appearing as he looked down, refusing to meet Michael's gaze now. "But I care about you more than I hate anything. It's just…" The demon huffed, shaking his head. "... About time I stopped… lying."
Michael managed a small, genuine smile, swallowing hard and finally managing to force back the lump rising in his throat. They were both silent for a while, lost in their own thoughts, and they only looked up when the memory began to dissolve around them, giving way to the dizzying darkness once again. The archangel blinked a few times, letting his eyes adjust as he looked around. Then, sucking in a slow, deep breath, he finally came to a decision.
"You know, uh…" He started, slowly, and Adam's eyes flickered back to him. "What you said about- about making things right, I…" The archangel trailed off, running his tongue over his lips, then cleared his throat and looked away again. "I want to try talking to Dean."
"Of course you do," Adam responded blankly, giving him a look. Michael only glanced back over at him, slightly desperate, eyes pleading - and, after a second, offering a slight groan from the back of his throat, the demon caved. "Okay. You do you. Knowing you, you can just- flash him that look and he'll fall right for it," Adam grumbled, closing his eyes for a moment. "But it wouldn't be a good idea for me to be anywhere remotely nearby if you want to get through this conversation without him possibly losing his head."
"Yeah, that…" Michael hesitated a little. "Would be a, uh, pretty awkward conversation stopper." At this, Adam actually snorted out a few snickers, and Michael managed a small smile in return. "I can wait until… until you get tired or something," he added quietly.
"Mm…" Adam sighed through his teeth. "Boy, do I hate the idea of leaving you alone with that douchebag," he grumbled. Michael studied him for a moment, his small smile widening just a little bit further. He almost couldn't believe it, how far the both of them had come. Adam, especially - Michael knew, now, at least, that the demon had cared for him from the very beginning, but even then, the archangel had his doubts, questioning, exactly, how close they really were, and how wanted Michael really was. Any uncertainty had been wiped away, any doubts as to whether or not the demon wanted him around dissolved.
Adam was a good friend. Michael just hoped that he could return that - that he could be the kind of anchor to Adam as the demon was to him.
The demon met his gaze, silent as ever, but his unspoken you are wasn't unheard. Michael smiled slightly in response, and Adam's lips twitched ever so slightly - not quite a smile, but getting there. Then, clearing his throat, he looked away again, sighing. "Look, if you're gonna talk to dickhead, you should probably give him some time. Let him calm down a bit. I doubt our face is the one he's gonna wanna see after that." An odd look crossed Adam's face for a moment, and Michael blinked, tilting his head slightly. It wasn't quite guilt, not quite shame, but something close to it, just a little weaker. He was still too angry to feel bad, at least right now.
"Yeah," Michael agreed, quietly, exhaling slowly and looking away again, eyes flickering around the darkness for a few seconds. Finally, blinking, realizing they had kind of just left Sam and Castiel without any kind of explanation whatsoever, the archangel spared Adam a hesitant look. "We should probably…" He trailed off, and Adam blinked, then grimaced, a look of realization flitting across his face.
"Probably, yeah…" Adam paused, looking him up and down. "So… are you good now? None of that self-destructive self-loathing left?" He gestured toward the archangel and, despite himself, Michael just had to smile a little.
"I'm… okay. I think," the archangel responded honestly, and, after a moment, he stepped forward. He didn't go in for another hug, not wanting to make Adam uncomfortable, as the demon had already put himself through enough emotional bullshit for one day, but he did reach out to clasp a hand over Adam's shoulder, giving a soft squeeze. "Thank you," he murmured.
Adam stared at him for a moment in silence, searching Michael's gaze quietly. Then, finally, a very faint, but very genuine smile tugged at the demon's lips, if only for a split second. "Always," he replied quietly, simply, and Michael's smile warmed even further. "Now, come on," the demon sighed, shrugging his hand off. "Before the urge to blow my own brains out comes back."
"Dark," Michael mumbled, although slightly amused, as they both rose up again as one, splitting the control between them with practiced ease. Adam pushed them to sit up in the chair, as they had kind of just slumped down into it the moment Michael had released the rest of his control. Sam was sitting in front of them, on his laptop again, but both he and Castiel - who was pacing - turned the second they sat up, relief flickering across their faces as they turned.
"Sorry 'bout that," Adam said simply, idly reaching a hand up to rub the back of their neck, as if it still stung. Michael frowned a little, distracted by that, but Adam dismissed his concerns with nothing more than an unspoken reassurance as he continued, "what'd we miss?"
"Not much," Sam huffed out a slight laugh, but concern was clear in his eyes, searching their face carefully. "Are you guys alright?"
You guys, Adam had noted that in particular, somewhat amused, and Michael tilted their head faintly, blinking. Now that he thought about it, Michael had been referring to them as… well, just that - them. Two people, not just Adam. As if his concern stretched to the both of them, not just his younger half-brother. The archangel's eyebrows furrowed faintly, but he stayed silent. "I'm still pissed, but yeah, I think we're okay. Right?"
"Uh- yeah," Michael mumbled back quickly, and Adam nodded slightly. Sam paused slightly, watching them both, then turned and shut the laptop, scooting his chair back.
"So, uh, I was thinking," the hunter said carefully as he stood, and, despite himself, Michael tensed a little. Adam just stared, eyes narrowing. A million thoughts raced through the archangel's head in just the span of a few short seconds - were the Winchesters going to ask them to leave because of what happened? Michael would understand, and on some level Adam would, too, but the thought still hurt, because it meant he really was getting in the way here, and that was the last thing he wanted. Adam, on the other hand, was as calm as ever, ready for anything, even if it meant having to leave. Hell, he didn't seem fazed at all.
All of Michael's worries proved to be for nothing, however, as Sam continued, "and I wanted to try something - mostly with Adam, since he seems to need it a little more, but…" The hunter looked down at them, and the demon blinked, while Michael exhaled a soft sigh of relief. "I think it might help a lot. At least, I hope so."
"Explain," Adam demanded, eyes narrowing considerably. Michael reeled him back a little, offering a quiet - be nice - and the demon just huffed out a sigh and rolled their eyes. But, he did surprise Michael with a begrudging, "please."
Sam's lips twitched, gesturing for them to follow. "Come on, you'll see." He turned around to face Castiel, who was adjusting his sleeves. The other angel paused, looking up, and Michael's eyes strayed to rest on his brother again. He looked slightly stressed, but otherwise, he seemed alright for the most part; He caught their gaze, offering nothing more than a nod.
"I'll be up here if you need anything." The angel's eyes darted in the direction of Dean's room, and Michael didn't have to ask to know he wanted to keep an eye on the hunter.
"Alright." Sam spared a glance back at Michael and Adam - the latter of which gave a soft huff and reluctantly pushed them to stand after a good few seconds. They were a little unsteady at first, but Michael grabbed onto the back of the chair to hold them upright, ignoring the sudden rush of nausea that had abruptly flared up the second they stood. They brushed it off easily enough, though, and with one last glance back at Castiel, then in the direction of Dean's room, Michael turned them to follow Sam, who was already heading off.