CONRAD

It's been 4 days since Teddy gave birth. Since that day, I found her bleeding out on the bathroom floor of her apartment, holding her tiny newborn daughter. Although fortunately Teddy survived, it's an image that will hunt me for the rest of my life, although I'm a surgeon and I've seen worse things in the war, see Teddy, my girl, my sister lying on the ground on the verge of death it's something I never would've imagined. I don't know what I'd do if one day I lose her, I don't know if I'll be able to endure losing another sister.

Except for the times when I go to the NICU to check how the twins are, I have not separated from her side for a second. I die to see her wake up; she was sedated so that her wounds heal with the slightest pain. It was a massacre, the birth of the little boy was like a massacre, Teddy had already lost too much blood, she was very weak, we were losing her, the placenta was coming out before the baby, I had to perform an emergency C-section in the ambulance or both would die.

She went through hell giving birth to her babies, I just hope she is strong for what she has to face when she wakes up. Children's services have been checking on the children and on her all the time, waiting for her to wake up to proceed with the process of giving the babies up for adoption. Teddy had nothing planned, not even a name for the babies, the doctors asked me things that I didn't know how to answer so the only thing that came to my mind was to say that she planned to give the babies for adoption, although if it doesn't go well it's very likely that she will only have to give one of the children up for adoption... the chances of the little boy's survival are below 40%... if he survives it would be a miracle.

I go to the NICU, the little girl is improving day by day, her numbers are good and she is gaining weight practically every day. She was born weighing only 1.100 kilos and has gained 100 grams in the last 4 days, it isn't much but all things considered it's a lot. But the little boy, God, just seeing him makes me shiver, his teeny tiny body is practically entirely covered with wires, catheters, feeding tubes and monitors. The poor baby was born weighing only 900 grams, it was a terrifyingly tiny thing, almost the size of my hand. Technically he was born dead, we used all the resources, we did everything possible to restart his heart until we succeeded, however, his brain was too many minutes without oxygen... we still have to wait to know what his luck will be, if he will have neurological damage, if he will survive.

I go back to Teddy's room and I find that the doctors are there, apparently they will wake her up today. They apply the necessary medications and ask me to be patient and wait for her to wake up. A couple of hours later her eyelids start to flutter and she moans softly.

"Hey, you're fine, don't talk, don't strain yourself". I say, hurrying to her side and caressing her hair.

"My... my babies". She says, sleepily and hoarsely.

"We'll talk later".

She shakes her head slowly. "Now".

"They are in the NICU".

She shakes her head and opens and closes her mouth trying to tell me something, but the effect of the medications on her body is still too strong, minutes later she falls asleep again.

It's already past midnight when Teddy wakes up again, this time she's more lucid.

"Hey". I greet her gently kissing her hand.

"My babies".

"They are in the NICU".

"Are they... are they alive?"

"Yes, they are". I don't have the heart to tell her right now that her little boy is fighting between life and death, I need her to be stronger before telling her.

"I want to see them".

"Not now, darling, you're still very weak, you were sedated for four days".

"No... I want to see them, please".

"Teddy, please, don't be stubborn. You know very well that I can't take you to the NICU like this". I tell her, softly. She starts crying.

TEDDY

I've been sedated for four days, I've missed the first four days in the lives of my babies. If before I felt like a terrible mother, now I feel like the worst in the world. I haven't been even good enough to bring them to the world safe, they are in the NICU, surely connected to dozens of cables, all because of me.

I try to rest as much as possible. I want to be strong as soon as possible so I can go see them. I have vague memories of my daughter's tiny face. Her little reddish lips and her fiery ginger hair, I don't remember her eyes, I don't remember if she opened them or not. And my boy, I want to meet my boy, I want to see his little face. Will he be red-haired like his sister? Will he be blond like me? I'm dying to see him.

The next morning I wake up and do everything Conrad and the nurses order me, I eat all the breakfast without protests, I don't want to give them reasons to prohibit me from going to see my children.

"I'm glad to see you awake again, you gave me a tremendous scare". Conrad tells me after breakfast.

"I'm so sorry, it was not my intention".

"I know it, honey, nothing that happened was your fault. Do you understand me? Nothing".

"We know that it was, I provoked everything with my carelessness... I'm dying to see my children, Conrad. Did you see them already?"

"Yeah, I did, they're beautiful, but..."

"But what?!"

"Teddy... there are some things I have to talk to you about".

"What?! What happens, Conrad?!"

"Children's services have been keeping an eye on the children... because your plan to give them up for adoption".

My blood freezes. "What do they say?"

"Until now nothing, however, they want to talk to you as soon as possible".

I just nod.

"But that's not all, Teddy".

"There is more?!"

"It's about your son..."

"What about my son?!"

"He... Teddy, his health is not good... doctors don't give much hope for him to live. I'm very sorry, honey, but I had to tell you.".

I feel as if someone has ripped my heart out, I feel physically in pain. It cannot be. "I want to see him". I say in a choked voice. "I want to see him, Conrad. I want to see him now!" I cry.

"You will do it, but later".

"Conrad!" I beg.

Soon we are interrupted by a nurse.

"Good morning, children's services are out here and they want to talk to you Dr. Altman. Do you feel ok to receive them?"

I nod at the same time I clean my tears. The nurse makes a sign with her hand and a woman enters my room.

"Good morning, I'm Emma Müller, children's services". She introduces herself by giving me her hand.

"Good morning, Dr. Altman, a pleasure".

"I think you already know why I'm here. Here your friend told me about your intention to give your children up for adoption. Is that what you want?"

I'm speechless. I had a depressive pregnancy, it was traumatic to give birth to my daughter, I almost died giving birth to my son, I spent four days sedated and still don't see my boy's face and now I've to decide whether I will give them up for adoption or not.

"I remind you that you have two options, it can be an open adoption, that way you can keep in touch with the children. Or it can be a closed adoption, so you renounce all rights to the children and—"

"Stop, stop, stop!" I shout. The more this woman talks, the more confused I feel. It's being too much. I don't know if I will be able to see my children while they call another woman "mom", but I don't know if I will be able to never see them again in life. I never thought about this when the idea of giving them up for adoption crossed my mind, I just wanted the best for them, not a mother immersed in misery.

Conrad and the social worker look at me with sweetness and condescension respectively.

"I... I just want to see them. If that's possible". I say, almost in a whisper.

"Of course you can see them, it's your right". The social worker answers me with a warm smile.

Then she leaves Conrad and me alone for a moment while he takes me in a wheelchair to the NICU.

"How are they, Conrad?" I ask Conrad nervously as he pushes my wheelchair.

"They are small".

My heart turns upside down, of course they are small. "Small? How small?"

"You will see".

"You already told me that they are not well, you can stop pretending and hiding things from me!"

"Teddy... they are premature, of course they are small—"

"Don't lie to me, Conrad. I know they are smaller than normal, they are not like any premature baby of 30 weeks and it's all my fault".

Conrad stops and goes to kneel in front of me. "Stop blaming yourself, you don't gain anything by blaming yourself. Now the important thing is that you and they are well, okay?"

I nod while I cry.

We arrive at the NICU and it breaks my heart to see so many babies inside incubators. It breaks even more to know that two of those babies are mine.

After being sterilized and dressed in gowns and gloves we enter the room. Everything is silent, only the beep of the machines that keep babies alive can be heard.

"Where are they?"

"The girl is right here". Conrad answers, taking me to an incubator partially covered with a blanket. For a moment I freeze and start to shake.

My tiny baby girl is in there.

Connected to dozens of devices that keep her alive, they feed her and help her breathe. The oxygen mask covers almost all of her small face, her arm is covered with a kind of cast and catheter wires come out of it, monitors attached to her chest and her foot. I can't believe I did this to my baby.

"Come here Teddy". Conrad tells me, softly.

My jaw trembles and tears run down my cheeks.

"Get close to her." A nurse tells me. "She and the other little angel need their mommy, that will make them recover sooner".

I take a tentative step towards her. She is asleep or at least I think so, she stirs one of her arms as if she were waving at me and I can't help but smile. I approach her and stand next to the incubator placing my hands on the cold plastic case.

"Can I touch her?" I ask, in a choked voice.

"Of course you can, dear". The nurse tells me.

I put my hand inside the incubator and stroke her head with my finger very, very softly, I'm afraid of hurting her. I can't feel the sensation of her fiery red hair on my finger due to the latex glove, but I close my eyes and try to remember the sensation of her teeny tiny body on my chest that night she was born.

She moves her hand again and I smile again. "Hey, little lady. You are so beautiful". I whisper. I place my finger on her hand and she takes it. "I... I'm your mommy".

It's something instinctive, I don't think before saying it and I don't want to think about the future, I don't want to think about that social worker who waits in my room for an answer. Now it's just me and my babies.

"Where is my boy?" I ask Conrad, excitedly, but his face drops. "Conrad, where is my boy?!"

"He is in that room". He answers, pointing to a dark room.

"Why is he there? Why isn't he here next to his sister?!"

"Teddy, as I told you... he... his health is very weak... he was born weighing only 900 grams and... honey... you have to be ready".

"Ready for what?!" I ask exasperated, deep down I know the answer, but I need him to tell me.

"There are many chances that he will not survive".

I crumble in tears and he immediately leads me to sit in an armchair. "Honey, you have to calm down".

"I want to see him... I want to see him, I WANT TO SEE HIM NOW!"

"Ok, ok honey, you'll see him, but lower your voice, okay?" The nurse tells me.

Conrad helps me get up from the chair and I can feel how my legs tremble with each step, I start to sweat and my heart beats fast.

We enter the room and turn on the light. There are 4 other incubators.

"Which one is him?"

"That one". The nurse points to the last incubator in the room.

I let go of Conrad and walk slowly towards his crib, the nurse comes forward and turns on the blue light of the incubator.

A cry comes out of my mouth when I see my little boy and I cover my mouth with my hands. From his head to his feet all his teeny tiny body is covered with monitors, catheters, tubes and syringes. His face is covered by an eye mask and an oxygen mask that doesn't allow me to see his features.

I can't stop crying. Conrad comes to me and hugs me. "I did this to them, I did this to him!" I cry.

"Calm down, honey". The nurse comforts me by rubbing my back.

"I want him, Conrad." I say releasing myself from his embrace by looking him in the eyes. "I want my children, I want my babies. They are mine, I can't give them up, they are mine and nobody else's. I'm their mom and I will do everything for them to be ok. I love them, I can't let them go".

Conrad takes my face in his hands smiling widely. "Tell that social worker that she can leave. They will stay with their mom". I say, smiling and wiping my tears.

"I will do it. I'll gladly do it and remember darling, you and they are not alone. Do you understand me? Between you and me, we will go ahead".

I nod and start crying again.

Conrad leaves me alone with the nurse and I can finally get close to my boy's incubator. Mine. He is mine and my little girl too. At that moment I decided, they need me, they need me strong, I will be the mother that I wasn't during my pregnancy because I was deep in depression due to a man who doesn't deserve me and doesn't deserve these children. They deserve better and I will give it to them, even if it costs me my life.

I'm not allowed to touch him, but I'm content to see him, see how even under all those wires and monitors his small chest moves up and down.

"Hey baby boy, I'm your mommy and I love you, I love you with all my heart and I promise you'll get out of here soon, you and your sister... oh yes, your sister, you sure remember her, isn't it? You two had a lot of battles inside my belly. We will come out of this, I promise".

"Never stop talking to them". The nurse tells me. "They remember your voice and that will help them. Baby B still has a long way to go, but in a few days you will be able to hold baby A".

"They are no longer Baby A and B, they now have a name. Can you change their crib plate and wristband? Please".

"Sure!" The nurse answers, cheerfully.

"The girl is... she's Allison Altman".

"Aww, what a beautiful name!"

"And he... he's Henry, Henry Altman". I say smiling at my little Henry.