TEDDY
We arrived at Landstuhl around 5 in the afternoon. The children are still full of energy after sleeping through practically both flights, they talk and talk, but I can't pay attention to their words, they are like quiet noises in the distance. My mind is completely flooded with thoughts about Owen. This is the end, it won't take long for him to reach me and the children. The thought alone terrifies me. Should I go at least for a few days to a hotel? No, I don't want to scare the children.
I have to think, think very carefully about what I'll do if Owen appears in front of me. He was the one who gave up all this. I try to tell myself again and again. He has no right over the children. I record the words in my mind as a sacred mantra. Do not be afraid.
I think about calling the police, but what would I say? I still have no evidence that Owen is remotely close. I could call my lawyer, ask him to have a restraining order ready. I don't know, I don't know. My head is spinning and the throb in my temples and nape will soon turn me completely crazy. I just want to go to bed and sleep and forget everything, but that's a luxury that I can't give myself right now. I have two children, two beautiful children who have gone through hell and back and they deserve their mother sane and healthy. I swore it to them, I can't fail them now that their lives are probably about to change forever.
"MOMMY!" Allison shouts to bring my attention.
"Yes, yes, tell me, baby!" I answer her, coming out of my trance.
"I'm talking to you!" She tells me, with a pout crossing her arms over her chest. I look at her. God, she looks so much like Megan. Then I look at my little boy, his blue eyes, his nose, his mouth, he's all Owen.
"And I'm listening, my love". I tell her, combing her long ginger waves.
"That's not true! You look sad, mommy!"
"Sad?! I'm not sad! Who told you that?!" I answer with false positivism.
"Is it because of that man?" Henry asks me, snuggling up beside me and I take him tightly and give him a kiss on the top of his head.
"What man?!" Allison asks, scowling at me.
"Nobody, nobody. Now go to your bedroom to put on your pajamas, it's been a long trip".
"Ok, mommy". Henry says, getting up from his seat on the sofa and walking towards his bedroom. My little warrior, so noble and good.
"But mom, it's still clear outside and I'm hungry! And you still have to give us our bath!" Allison complains and my head throbs more and more.
"Pajamas!" I emphasize with an authoritative voice. She huffs and turns around going to her bedroom too. I shake my head slowly watching as both go to their respective rooms.
I look at my apartment; it has changed so much since the last time Owen was here. Now it's not that spacious apartment with only one bedroom. I could say it's a whole house. After the twins were born the apartment next door was put on sale, I didn't want to leave this place, these walls kept so many memories that good or bad were my memories, what made me what I am now, I couldn't leave them go just like that.
So without thinking twice I bought the apartment and while I practically lived in the NICU, I ordered to make all the necessary modifications to make a single place and that everything was ready by the time the twins and I returned home, our home. Now I had 3 bedrooms and a little study for me, the living room and the kitchen were the same, only now I had a whole dining room and not just the kitchen island. It was an amazing place, it was our home. Our home that would probably soon be devastated by the storm that was coming.
"Hey darling, this is the last suitcase". Conrad says, coming in with the last of the luggage, closing the door behind him and dropping on the couch next to me. I sigh deeply.
"What am I going to do, Conrad? I know Owen, I can almost swear that he didn't go back to Seattle and that he is on his way here. What am I going to tell the children?!"
"The truth". He answers me, bluntly. "They have a father but he didn't want to be involved with them or you".
"What? Conrad, I can't tell them that!" I argue back.
"So? Will you tell them you took them away from him?"
"No, no, not that either, but... I've never spoken to them about their father, they've never asked, I thought that I'd never see Owen again, I never thought about what I'd say if one day I had to tell my children about their father".
He purses his lips at me in sympathy and places his hand on my thigh. "Then darling, I think the time has come and I know you'll find the right words. They're smart, they'll understand".
"Henry already asked me about 'that man'. Oh Conrad, I'm so scared!"
"You shouldn't".
"Can you stay tonight? I don't know why, but I have a bad feeling".
"You know I love to sleep on your sofa and be woken up by the twins putting things on my face". I can't help laughing. "Now go with them, talk to them".
I nod and head for Henry's room where he and Allison are whispering something I can't understand. "Hey, my loves!" They look at me surprised, clearly I caught them in the middle of something. I go to them and I lie on the bed, each of them immediately curls up on each side of me. "I need to talk to you, my loves".
"Is it about that man?" Allison asks me.
"I told her about the man at the airport. Am I in trouble, mommy?" Henry adds, with a worried voice. I kiss his head.
"No baby, you're not in trouble. And yes, I want to talk to you about that man". God, how should I start this? "That man—" Right at that moment my cell phone interrupts me. Crap!
It's from the hospital, they urgently need me. Are they kidding? I'm on break!
"Look babies, I've to go to the hospital, they need me. Uncle Conrad will stay with you, he will give you dinner and he will tuck you in. Ok?"
"Ok, mommy". They answer me in unison and I run to the hospital even when I feel that my body won't keep me awake, let alone stand up for much longer.
All the way to the hospital and all the time that I'm working on the emergency my head is elsewhere, I can't stop thinking about Owen appearing in my house while I'm not there. Thousands of bad thoughts come to my mind, I know they are safe with Conrad, but I can't stop thinking about the possibility of him coming and taking them, it's stupid I know, but my overprotective maternal instinct is in charge of my emotions and thoughts right now. I can't think rationally.
When I finally get off the hospital it's well past midnight, I open the door cautiously so as not to wake up Conrad, but I realize that he is not on the couch. I go to Allison's room, but she's not there. My heart stops. Then I go to Henry's room and they're there huddled in bed. I breathe in relief and smile to myself, turn off the night lamp and close the door behind me to go to my bedroom. Just at that moment someone knocks at the door.
My heart races and an icy chill runs through my body. I think I know who it is. No, correction, I know who it is. I walk with trembling and cautious steps towards the door, I look through the peephole just to confirm my suspicions.
I don't know what to do, whether I open or not the door this will go out of control. If I open, he'll want to see the children and if not, he'll keep knocking until I open the door. He knocks again, this time with more insistence.
He was the one who gave up all this.
He has no right over the children.
Do not be afraid.
I straighten my back and lift my chin with a stern expression on my face, although inside I'm crumbling. I open the door.
As soon as I open the door Owen smiles at me timidly, I don't know what he is playing, but I won't follow his game.
"Teddy". He tells me, softly.
"What are you doing here?" I ask him, harshly. "You've nothing to do here, my children are sleeping and it's late, so please, go away!"
His expression changes, I can see the anger on his face, but I stand firm. "Your children? They are my children too, I've the right to see them, to know them, they have the right to know their father. How could you do this to me? How could you do this to us?"
I chuckle humorlessly. "First of all, lower your voice or you will wake them up!" I mumble through clenched teeth. "And rights? You don't have any rights over them, you renounced them, they are not yours and you are nothing of them".
"What are you talking about?!" He exclaims, taking a step towards me and I involuntarily take a step back.
"Don't you dare to come closer! I want you away from me, away from my home and away from my children!"
"THEY ARE MY CHILDREN TOO!" He yells back.
"The moment you decided you didn't want to know anything about me you lost every right over them!"
"You won't keep them away from me!" He warns me, coming into my house making me feel completely cornered, it seems that I've lost my will, each step he takes closer I take one back. I can almost swear that he notices the fear on my face.
"Get out of here!" I warn him.
"Not until I see my children first!" He fires back at me and takes me by the arms, I jolt apart sharply.
"Mommy?" Just at that moment Henry comes to the living room witnessing everything.
Owen's expression changes again, and where there was hardness now there is sweetness and softness. He stares at him, but that only intimidates my little boy who sees him terrified.
"Mommy". He repeats, this time with a trembling voice and I go to kneel in front of him and he throws himself into my arms crying and sinking his face into my chest. "What is happening?"
"Everything's fine baby, go back to your bedroom and don't get out of there, okay?" I try to encourage him to go back to his bedroom, but he clings more tightly to me.
"No mommy, I'm scared!" He whimpers against my chest. "Why is that man here?"
"What's going on?!" Conrad comes to the living room followed by Allison. Great, just what I needed. "What are you doing here?!" He questions Owen going to him and I'm afraid this will turn physical.
"Conrad, don't!" I run to stand in the middle of Owen and Conrad while Henry cries scared and Allison runs to hug him.
"Teddy, take the children to the bedroom, I'll take care of this!" Conrad tells, not leaving room to complain.
"Conrad". I say, pleadingly. "Please".
"It's okay love. I know what to do". He kisses me on the forehead and I give Owen one last look. He looks angry, confused, sad, hundreds of emotions go through him.
I take the children to my bedroom and lock the door. Allison looks at me confused with her huge green eyes with pooled tears waiting for an answer. Henry can't stop crying; he is in the middle of one of his crises and I'm about to have an emotional breakdown myself too.
"It's okay, my loves, come here". I try to calm my children by snuggling with them in bed. I cover their ears with my hands in case anything could be heard from out there and I whisper a lullaby with a trembling voice.
OWEN
Everything went to hell, just the least I wanted to provoke was what happened. I didn't want to scare the children, I didn't want to make a big fuss and that the first impression of me was that of an angry man fighting their mother. I've ruined everything again. It seems as if happiness stings my hands and I couldn't keep it for too long.
Teddy takes the children by the hand to which I believe is still her bedroom. Before closing the door, the little girl gives me a fulminating look that breaks my heart in thousands of pieces.
"What are you doing here? Haven't you noticed the time? Couldn't you wait until morning?" The man who came out of one of the bedrooms questions me, looking at me harshly and with his hands on his hips. I scan him up and down and stare at his face, it's attractive I'm not going to deny it. Big honey eyes under long curly lashes, hair almost the same shade as her eyes, white skin and well-defined muscles. But he came out of one of the other bedrooms, not the one I think is still Teddy's so I don't know what exactly is his relationship with her. I look around the place, everything is so changed, but the couch, that couch by the window and the pink blanket are still there. It makes me feel warm inside.
But this man in front of me makes all that warmth turn into vivid fire, I don't like him, I don't like the idea of my children probably believing that he is their father or that they even call him dad.
"I have to see her, I need an explanation of why she did what she did".
He looks at me raising his eyebrows in disbelief. "What she did? What she did was protect herself, protect herself from you, protect those innocent children from you!"
"Protect herself? She is the one putting us through all this headache!"
The incredulity grows in his face. I don't know what Teddy has said about me but whatever it was, surely was bad.
"Are you serious? Man, don't come and tell me this is a lot for you when you were the one who turned his back on her. I had to see her fall quickly and deeply into a hole of depression that almost cost hers and the children's life after your rejection. She almost died giving birth to the children, she lived for months in the NICU and all by herself she picked up the broken pieces that you left while raising her kids, so don't come here to complain about what she is putting you through because I can swear you it's nothing compared to all the hell she went through after that stupid call!"
Now I am the confused one. They keep mentioning rejections, that I didn't want to know anything about Teddy, a call... I don't understand anything. "What call are you talking about?!" I ask him, frowning really confused. He chuckles humorlessly.
"It's not time for games, okay? Teddy called you and you were not even man enough to tell her you didn't want anything with her, you preferred to put someone else on the phone!"
"W-what? That is not true! Teddy never called me, or rather, I was never notified that she called!"
"Do you really expect me to believe you?"
"I swear by the life of my mother and those children who are in there and now I know are my children that nobody ever told me that Teddy had called. What do I have to do to prove it?!"
He pauses for a moment, looks at me intently as if analyzing my gestures and my movements. His expression softens a bit and he looks at me with a slight frown. "It was almost five years ago, a couple of months after... after you came here. I was there, Teddy called you to tell you everything, first your ex-wife answered, she hung up and didn't want to call again, I convinced her, she did it again but this time another person answered... according to that person you didn't want to be bothered by Teddy anymore".
I try to search in the dusty and vague memories in my head. Months after returning from Germany I got Leo, then Betty and Amelia in addition... remember, remember, I repeat to myself. "Is there any other sign? Did she tell you her name?"
"No, nothing. But I remember that there was a lot of fuss in the background. You and a woman were screaming, a baby was crying... it sounded like a disaster in there".
I continue searching in my mind, dusting off memories. Suddenly it comes to my head. A big fight I had with Amelia. Everything was going to hell, Betty's parents had come back for her, she didn't want to go back with them, she wanted to stay with us and on top of that Amelia had suspicions that I wasn't totally with her. I remember a big fight, Leo crying, Betty, Amelia and me screaming, Amelia questioning whether I was still in love with Teddy or not, Betty begging us to please fix things so she could stay with us... The call! After the fight I remember that Amelia told me, very reluctantly, that someone had called my cell phone for something urgent and personal, but hadn't given a name.
"I remember! But things were not like that, Amelia did tell me that someone had called, but Teddy didn't tell her it was her!"
"Yes, she didn't tell her who she was, she hung up almost immediately, but she called again after a few minutes".
"I didn't receive notification of any other call, unless..."
Oh no, it cannot be what I'm thinking. No, she couldn't have done that, Betty couldn't have lied to Teddy... or maybe she did, maybe in her eagerness to keep Amelia and I together she was the one who lied to Teddy telling her that I didn't want anything with her.
No, no, no. I feel like all the blood in my body boils, it was her! Who else? No one else was there that day besides Amelia and Betty, it had to be her. Because of her, because of her I missed all this. I start to shake with rage and pace back and forth bringing my hands to my head.
"Is everything all right?" The man asks me, curiously.
"I need to talk to Teddy, please! All this has an explanation, I swear, but..." I want to scream, I want to scream so badly, but I swallow all my anger so as not to scare the children or Teddy.
"I don't know if it's the best moment. She is exhausted, and your visit didn't do her any good".
"Please! I need—"
"It's okay, Conrad". Teddy's soft voice interrupts us. She comes out of the room already changed in her pajamas, still looking at me sternly with her arms crossed over her chest. "Can you go check on the children? It took me a lot, but they are finally asleep".
The man nods and retires to the room giving Teddy a kiss in the temple on his way.
TEDDY
I eavesdropped a glimpse of the conversation between Owen and Conrad, he told him it had been a mistake, he mentioned Amelia and someone named Betty. I want to hear it, I want to know what really happened, but I don't want to let my guard down, I shouldn't do it.
However, something deep inside me tells me that he was being honest, I remember when he saw me at the airport, he looked happy to see me, and then when I opened the door, before receiving him with my stern attitude he was smiling. He looked excited, touched, happy. That's what makes me believe that all this has a valid explanation, although I'm scared of whatever he's going to say.
"Can we talk civilly?" I ask, sternly. His look this time is soft.
"Yes, yes! Teddy, I swear all this has an explanation!"
We both go to the living room. Suddenly I have a déjà vu.
"What do you want me to say? That you were flawless and brilliant and that you anticipated my every move and that I knew the moment we shared that OR... that I wanted to do that for the rest of my life?"
I shudder. Focus, Theodora!
"I... I don't know how to start all this, Teddy".
"Just tell me why did you say that".
"I didn't say that! I swear, I swear to Megan, to my mother, to God that I never said that!"
"Then why did that girl tell me you didn't want to know anything about me?!"
He sighs deeply and I see him close his hands in tight fists, his face turns red and his jaw tenses. "I'm almost 100% sure it was Betty... a young drug addict that Amelia and I were helping". He spits with anger and I look at him confused but I don't say anything. "After... that night, I went back to America and all I did was a series of reckless actions after reckless actions. I was really bad, I wanted to fill the void that you left and that I made... I wanted to give a new meaning to my life, fill a void, so I went to an adoption agency to sign up as a foster parent".
He looks at me to analyze my reaction, but I try to keep my face expressionless, although inside my heart gives a leap. He realizes that I don't say anything and keeps going.
"Leo arrived a few weeks later." He smiles sweetly. "Amelia jumped in to help me and although I never asked her to do so she was very helpful, then Betty came, Leo's teenage mom... everything seemed perfect, or at least in my head it was, we had this fantasy of the perfect family but it was only an illusion. Eventually Betty became fond of us, she didn't want to go back to her parents from whom she had run off, she wanted us to be a family, but... it was impossible, we were just a fantasy, I wasn't completely in the relationship or kind of relationship I had with Amelia... I couldn't stop thinking about you and she noticed it. I remember that day, we fought horribly, we all shouted and from there everything kept fracturing more and more until we decided to break up for good before ending up hating each other. But until now I realize that you called, I swear I didn't know! You have to believe me, Teddy, please!"
He begs me reaching his hand to take mine, but I shake it away. I get up from the sofa trying to process everything Owen had just told me. I remember how I felt that day, how I let myself fall after that day, how my depression almost took my babies' lives, how they fought for their lives, therapies, hospital visits, illness, depression, frustration, everything I went through alone, all because of a misunderstanding, a lie.
I know Owen is being honest, I can see it in his eyes and notice in his voice. I feel so frustrated, I want to run away, I want to find that girl Betty and strangle her with my own hands. We were deprived of happiness because of her.
Tears run down my cheeks and I cover my mouth with one hand and with the other I hold myself from the mantelpiece.
"It was a lie". I say, in a choked voice.
"It was". Owen answers in a trembling voice.
OWEN
Seeing Teddy crying after my confession just makes me want to break something, scream out loud and hit someone.
I get up from the sofa and go to the window opening it wide open, I feel I'm suffocating.
Outside is starting to fall a soft snow, I inhale deeply the cold air of Landstuhl filling my lungs, waiting for the cold to calm the fire of rage that boils inside. But it's not enough. This is too much, I can't contain my emotions inside for much longer. Teddy cries behind my back, my children are terrified of me, locked in the room, I spent miserable years without knowing of their existence, Teddy was living in a lie, we were robbed of our love because of a lie.
I want to get all this out, I want to let go of all the rage and impotence that I have inside. Without thinking I close my hand in a fist and smash the wall one, two, three, four times while I let out a choked cry.
Teddy immediately goes to my side and pulls me away from the wall. "Owen, stop, stop, please! They will hear you!" She begs me crying, taking my fist between her hands and taking it to her chest.
I jolt away from her and I turn around trying to regulate my breathing, trying to handle my emotions, but they're too many. I turn to see Teddy again and we both keep our eyes on each other. Our watery eyes, our frustrated and devastated eyes, five stolen years of our lives go through our eyes.
She takes a tentative step towards me and it's all it takes for me to go to her too. We both hug each other tightly, I can feel her body shaking between my arms and surely she feels mine too. Her tears soak my shoulder and neck, I cup her head and hold her close to me, stroking her now short, brunette hair.
We both cry, we whisper apologies and forgiveness. I take her face in my hands and she does the same with mine, we look each other in the eyes, both hiccupping.
I kiss her
I kiss her with all the love that I couldn't give her in 5 years, I kiss her with 5 years of loneliness, frustration, emptiness, regrets, endless love. She corresponds, kissing me softly and letting out soft whimpers at the same time. How do we do it? I don't know, but in this single kiss we spill those five years that were taken away from our hands.
"Never, never, never have I stopped loving you". I say, laying my forehead against hers.
"And I never stopped thinking about you, I see you every day in my children, in our children". She answers me, whimpering and then catching my lips between hers, this time more hurried, more urgent.
"Mommy?" Again, the little boy's voice interrupts us. We both jolt apart and look at each other embarrassed... Here goes the journey...