Chapter 9
Despite Caitlin having asked Barry to be her guide, she doesn't actually see him again for a few days. He'd warned her he needed a few days to attend to some matters, which suited Caitlin just fine. She had her own errands to run, namely her first therapy session. Or rather, her return to therapy.
Caitlin had first come to Dr. Scarlet shortly after her father's death at the tail end of her junior year in college. Her mother, in a rare display of concern for Caitlin's emotional state, had recommended Dr. Scarlet, assuring Caitlin she was one of the best. As it turned out, her mother was right.
She'd seen Dr. Scarlet throughout the remainder of her academic career and up until she'd started working at Star Labs. It was no longer necessary, she'd rationalized. She had her dream job, she had friends and the possibility of something more with Ronnie shone bright on the horizon.
How she'd regretted that decision in the months after Ronnie's death, especially on the days where she felt a hair's breadth from spiralling into that dark and familiar void.
But her time with Dr. Scarlet had also prepared her. Given her the tools to process her grief. She hadn't gone back because she'd thought herself strong enough to pick up the pieces of her life…
This time around, Caitlin knows she's not strong enough and sitting across from Dr. Scarlet, she can't help but feel as if she's failed the woman. The thought makes shame curdle within her, her throat clogging with the cloying taste of it.
Almost as if the doctor could read her thoughts, loud and unreasonable in the silence of the room, she ends their session with a gentle reminder: "You are not at fault for anything that happened to you, Caitlin. Remember that."
It's supposed to be reassuring, validating even. Absolution, pure and simple. But it leaves Caitlin feeling numb for the rest of the day as the memories come to her. She doesn't sleep that night.
The next day, she unpacks her belongings from their boxes, handling them as one did unfamiliar things. She couldn't help but think of Barry's words as she sorted through the belongings.
It felt real to me, he'd said.
She tries to see her belongings as he had, each item a small piece in a larger puzzle that told the story of her life. Some distant part of her gets it; the fascination an outsider would feel, looking in. But as she flips through the photo albums, full of joyful moments frozen in time, she can't help but feel as if the life depicted in the pages between her fingers belongs to someone different all together.
Perhaps Caitlin Snow was a better ghost than she was a human being.
She shoves the thought away, trying to ignore the ache she feels in her heart.
By the time she does get to see Barry, Caitlin is restless and eager to leave the house. Barry proves to be the perfect distraction, seamlessly integrating himself into Caitlin's life.
They go for walks around Central City, Barry pointing out all the major developments that have taken place over the past three years. For the most part, the city hasn't changed much. She recognizes a lot of the shops they pass on their way to Central City Park, even some of the vendors outside the park, staples in the community like any other.
It's grounding, the realization that she still recognizes her city, this place she's called home her entire life.
One of the first places they visit is the Central City Museum of Science, a childhood favorite of Caitlin's and apparently, one of Barry's as well. They spend the day wandering through the exhibits, pointing out their favorites, reminiscing on school trips to the museum, outings with their respective parents. They even sit in on the space show in the planetarium despite them both having seen the show multiple times.
It's a perfect day really, one that ends with burgers and ice cream. Caitlin hadn't even realized how much she'd missed something as simple as a burger until she bites into hers, moaning. When Barry asks her what other foods she's missed, they end up making a list, promising to get one item from the list everyday.
Most of the cravings are ridiculously unhealthy, things like cheesecake from her favorite bakery, but Caitlin figures she's allowed to indulge a little.
It's because of the list that they end up in Kava Cafe, a coffee shop Caitlin's been coming to for years.
She's not surprised to find that it looks exactly as she'd last seen it three years ago. Almost involuntary, Caitlin's eyes drift over to a table in the back, remembering the scene Hunter had made when she'd tried to end things. A shiver runs down her spine.
Sensing her discomfort, Barry steps into view, blocking her line of sight, his hand gently cupping her elbow. "You okay?"
She nods, grateful for his presence. They find a small table near the windows. They've only just sat down when a shadow falls over them.
"You're back!"
The exclaim comes from a girl with dark hair and blue-tipped ends. One of the baristas, Caitlin realizes, taking note of the apron tied at her waist and the little sticker tag declaring 'Hi! My name is Amy'.
Amy stands next to their table, clearly pleased to see Barry again. Caitlin doesn't think she's even noticed Caitlin sitting there for all that her eyes are glued to him. Barry smiles back at Amy, expression polite yet reserved.
"Amy. Nice to see you again."
His eyes flicker to Caitlin's, prompting Amy to glance at her briefly. She seems to do a double-take then, eyes going wide, mouth dropping open. When she speaks, she seems dazed, staring at Caitlin as if she were a ghost. It leaves Caitlin feeling slightly discomfited.
"You found her."
"Amy, this is Caitlin. Caitlin, Amy. She gave me a lead on your case," Barry explained. Caitlin mutters a soft greeting.
"Can I get you guys anything? On the house," Amy smiles, her expression pitying. Caitlin grimaces.
"Could I just get a cup of chamomile tea to go?"
Amy nodded, turning to Barry, who declined. She shuffled off to the counter.
"I'm so sorry. I should have warned you," Barry starts. Caitlin waves him off.
"It's fine. I'll just have to find another coffee place, I guess."
"You could try Jitters? That's where Iris and I always go," he offers with a sheepish shrug.
"Iris… how is she these days?"
Caitlin didn't remember much of the other girl, she'd only ever known her peripherally as Barry's adopted sister. But she did remember her, the pretty girl she saw so often in the hallways, always doing something yearbook-related or hosting a fundraising campaign for this cause or another.
Barry smiled. "She's doing great. She's launching her own newspaper soon, getting married in a few months. She's in a real good place right now."
"That sounds amazing. I'm glad things worked out for her."
Barry nodded. "How's Cisco doing?"
"Ah! He's doing well but that reminds me, he and Cynthia have invited you over for dinner on Thursday."
Barry blinks, looking taken aback. "Really?"
Caitlin nods, chuckling. "Pretty sure Cisco wants to interrogate you. 'What are your intentions', that kind of thing."
Barry's eyebrows rose, incredulity and amusement plain on his face. "Oh yeah?"
Caitlin laughed, shaking her head. "No. He wants to thank you for all the hard work you did on the case… For helping me adjust."
"I'll be there. Wouldn't miss it for the world."
True to his word, Barry attends dinner at Cisco's place on Thursday.
In a way, it's just what he'd needed. Something to get his mind off the past few days, off the service and his meeting with Child Services. The service had been a grim and somber affair, a palpable sense of grief and loss in the air. Barry had left shortly after the Captain's eulogy, feeling in many ways like he was trespassing.
The meeting with Child Services had been just as sobering. Legally, there wasn't much he could do for little Jade DeSantis, her case was out of their jurisdiction. But given that her current orphaned status was his doing, the least Barry could do was ensure she ended up with a good family.
She was younger than he'd been when he lost his mother. Barry hoped that meant she wouldn't be able to remember that horrific night but that was wishful thinking at best. He knew all too well how traumatic experiences stayed with you, buried themselves deep in your subconscious, lurking until the time came to assault you with memories you'd rather forget.
They didn't have a family set to foster her yet but the woman in charge of her case had promised to update Barry on any new developments. In the days that followed, Barry found that assurance to be largely negligible in giving him peace of mind.
Spending time with Caitlin however, that helped.
Exploring Central City with her, Barry feels as if he were seeing the city for the very first time. They don't always have a destination in mind but he finds he likes it better that way. Caitlin is good company and despite her insistence that she isn't the adventurous type, she seems content to wander, willing to try anything.
It helps too that she's easy to talk to.
The same is true for Cisco. He isn't sure what to expect at dinner but the atmosphere is light and Cisco and Cynthia are fun and witty. They regale him with stories from their college days and their time at Star Labs, Caitlin jumping in to correct Cisco's more embellished tales.
By the end of the night, he's itching to introduce them to Iris and the others.
"I camped out all night to get a copy," Cisco is saying as he walks Barry to the door, Caitlin and Cynthia's voices fading behind them.
"Lucky. I had work the next day so I wasn't able to snag a copy."
"If you want, you could borrow it," Cisco shrugs. "I have it stored away somewhere, just need to find it."
"Seriously? That'd be great."
Cisco claps him on the shoulder. "No problem, man. Thanks again for coming."
"Of course. Thanks for having me," Barry replied, his smile sincere and soft.
Cisco looks at him then, brown eyes serious. He struggles for a moment with his words, glancing back at the living room's entryway as if afraid they'd be overheard.
Lowering his voice, he steps closer to Barry.
""I'm glad it was you that they assigned to her case. I don't think anyone else would have worked as hard to find her…"
Barry opens his mouth to protest. Cisco continues, cutting him off before he can even begin.
"She's my best friend. More than that, she's like a sister to me. I wish I could do more to help her adjust but I can't and I hate that. But she feels comfortable with you, I can tell and that doesn't happen very often…"
"I know I could spend the rest of my life trying to repay you and it still wouldn't be enough but thank you."
Cisco's eyes look suspiciously wet when he finishes. Barry looks away, wiping at his own eyes surreptitiously. He doesn't know how to respond to that so he doesn't.
Instead, he pulls Cisco in for a hug, surprising them both.
"You're a good friend, Cisco. She's lucky to have you."
Cisco's words are muffled with his face pressed up against Barry's shoulder but Barry hears them well enough.
"You too, man. You too."
"Barry, we're going around in circles!"
Caitlin laughed as they made yet another 360 in place. Barry shrugged, "It's fun."
"No, it's not," she shoved his shoulder gently, still laughing. "I'm going to get dizzy. Stop."
"All right, fine," Barry acquiesced, bringing his oar up to the side and locking it in place like Caitlin's.
Overhead, the hazy summer sun was beginning to dip in the sky, the mugginess from earlier giving way to cool evening air. The nice weather had brought them to the Central City Botanical Gardens, a place Barry hadn't visited since he was a kid.
The Gardens were a bit removed from the city center but Caitlin had mentioned wanting to come here a few days ago and Barry suggested they make a day trip out of it. They'd spent the day wandering through lush gardens, taking pictures, smelling the flowers, even buying a few seeds for Caitlin to take home with her.
She'd flushed bright pink when Barry had turned to her, brows raised inquiringly. Shyly, she'd explained, "I like to garden. It's soothing."
They'd just about called it a day when they wandered upon the boathouse. Despite the fact that neither of them had ever been rowing, Barry convinced Caitlin into renting one for a half hour. Now, here they were, in the middle of the lake, having gone around in circles for the past five minutes.
"If we actually make it back to shore, I think we could chalk today up as a good day," Caitlin said softly, her voice bringing Barry back to the present.
"Yeah?"
Caitlin nodded, absentmindedly scanning their surroundings. Barry ducked his head down, trying to hide the smile blooming across his lips. Any day spent with Caitlin was a good day in his book but he was gratified to hear that she was enjoying herself.
Suddenly, the boat jostles, Caitlin's hands scrabbling for the sides. Barry glances up, alarmed. Caitlin's eyes are wide and full of fear, gaze focused on something off to Barry's right. When he glances back, he startles at the sight of a man standing by the trunk of a tree.
He knows immediately what she must be thinking, Hunter walking free, coming after her, stalking her as he'd done once before. But as he watches, the man steps away from the tree and a dog trots out from where it was hidden from view behind the trunk. Unaware of an audience, it follows its owner down the path back to the main gardens.
When Barry turns back to her, Caitlin's eyes are closed, her breaths coming quick and shallow, knuckles bone-white as she grips the edge of the boat.
"I can't go back. Can't," she wheezes out, her voice already thin and thready as she fights off the impending panic attack.
"Caitlin," Barry calls out.
Her eyes open, locking onto his but from the glazed look in them, he knows she isn't really here, hasn't registered who he is. She squeezes her eyes shut again, trying to force her breathing to settle as her chest heaves.
Slowly, trying not to throw the boat off balance, Barry moves forward and kneels before Caitlin. His fingers ache to touch her, reassure her but he doesn't want to risk upsetting her even further. Who knew what kind of hellish memories she was reliving in her head.
"Caitlin, I need you to look at me," Barry's voice is firm yet gentle and the command seems to slice right through the haze in Caitlin's mind. When she looks at him again, her eyes are clear and bright with fear. "You're safe, okay. I need you to take a deep breath, hold it and exhale. Do it with me."
Together, they take a couple of deep breaths until finally, Caitlin's breathing settles, the worst of the panic attack subsiding. Barry turns to grab her bag, fishing out her water bottle and offering it to her. She takes it numbly but makes no effort to drink.
For a moment, they sit there quietly, listening to softly lapping waves and the low hum of voices across the lake. A quiet sob breaks the stillness.
"Everyday, I keep thinking I'm gonna wake up from this dream and find myself back in that basement… Sometimes I dream about being back there and I wake up not knowing what's real...I'm so tired of it all, Barry."
Caitlin's voice is small and defeated. Tears roll down her face, leaving glistening tracks in their wake. Rising to a crouch, Barry wipes them away carefully, hands cupping her face.
"This is real, Caitlin. You and me, everything around us, it's all real. You're safe and you're never going back to that basement."
Caitlin smiles sadly, unconvinced, hands reaching up to cup Barry's.
She doesn't let go of him the entire way home, her hand warm and soft in his. If it weren't for the touch of her hand, the weight of her head on his shoulder, the warmth of her body beside him, he might have imagined he was heading back home alone.
Where earlier, she'd been laughing and excited to explore, now Caitlin was quiet, withdrawn. Not that he blamed her.
He doesn't expect her to stop him once they arrive at Cisco's, her hand tugging him back when he goes to pull away. Behind her, the house is silent and dark.
Caitlin's brown eyes are wide and vulnerable when she asks, "Will you stay with me? Until I fall asleep."
"Of course."
It's still early but Barry can't fault her for being tired after a day of physical and emotional drainage. He sits on her bed as she changes in the bathroom, glancing around at belongings he's long familiarized himself with.
When she comes out in her pajamas, gray tank top and shorts, Barry is struck by the sudden intimacy of it all. She climbs into bed on the other side then sidles closer until she's right up against Barry's back. Barry swallows, enthralled by how soft and shiny her hair looks under the warm glow of her lamp.
"Thanks, Barry," Caitlin whispers.
"Anytime, Cait."
Hyper-aware of her watchful gaze and self-conscious of his own actions, Barry hesitates and then carefully, places his hand on the blanket above her hip. Slowly, he begins to brush soothing circles onto her hip.
"Ronnie used to call me that," she comments suddenly. Barry pauses briefly in his ministrations, catching her eye.
"Tell me about him."
NOTE: Hi everyone! Once again, thank you all for your endless support and your beautiful comments. They truly keep me going and as we begin to wrap up this story, I just want you all to know that just as so many of you have come to love this story as one of your favorites, its also one of my favorite stories I've written to date. With this story, I've explored so many emotional horizons, transcended some personal writing barriers, and breathed life into characters and dynamics I love with all my heart so thank you again for coming along with me on this journey.
Stay tuned for the last chapter! xxx