Chapter 3

"Hannah didn't just betray you, she hurt all of us. And I'm going to keep telling you this until you believe it. TC and I have never blamed you for it." – Orville 'Rick' Wright

.

Rick stared unseeingly at the Konane board on the table. He'd tried concentrating on the new game that TC had set up but now that it was just the three of them in the guesthouse, his mind kept going back to a young man and the question he'd asked shortly after they'd rescued him.

"Is your brother here?"

Paulie's face fell at Ahmed's hopeful query and Rick could see him searching for the right words as he glanced past the teenager to meet their eyes. Not that they were of any help. Rick had nothing to offer and could only stand there mutely, trying to swallow past the lump in his throat. He could tell that TC wasn't faring any better, his initial joyful smile had all but faded away. As for Thomas, he looked completely devastated by a simple question that had only served to remind all of them, once again, of their immeasurable loss.

In the end, turning back to the boy, Paulie said with a sad smile, "He would've been here if he could."

Rick could have kicked himself. It had been at the back of his mind to drop by and check in on Thomas after what they went through together earlier in the week. Sure, everything turned out well in the end but helping Paulie find Ahmed had stirred up a host of memories, both good and bad, for everyone involved. And Rick strongly suspected that what happened might had affected Thomas more than he'd like anyone to know. Not that the man gave any indication that anything was wrong the couple of times they'd spoken on the phone.

TC looked up, forehead furrowing when he caught the pensive look on his friend's face. "What's wrong?"

Rick sighed. "Should have seen it earlier..."

"Paulie?" Their earlier conversation with Juliet, before she left for her errand for Robin, was obviously on TC's mind as well.

"Yeah, and after what we did, I thought about Nuzo all throughout the next day."

"Yeah, me too, brother," TC admitted. "Me too"

Rick heaved a sigh, his gaze drifting momentarily to the couch. "But I think it's different for him–"

"What do you mean?" TC asked with a worried frown. "He's not still blaming himself for what happened to us and to Nuzo, is he?"

"Maybe," Rick shrugged. "It's Tommy."

TC nodded at the simple answer. The man may be an open book most times, at least to his brothers, but he was also very adept at keeping his thoughts and actions to himself, especially if he believed it would protect the people closest to him from harm, physical or otherwise.

"The way I see it, you and I have our work to keep us occupied," Rick's blue gaze met TC's solemn eyes. "Thomas may not be the type to dwell on things, but even he, when he's not on one of his cases–"

"–has way too much free time on his hands and nothing to get him out of his head," TC finished after Rick broke off abruptly.

Rick buried his face in his hands. "I've been meaning to check in on him but I got caught up with work at La Mariana."

"Hey, you can't blame yourself, man," TC leaned forward and clapped a hand on the smaller man's shoulder. "I only managed a couple of calls myself."

"TC's right, none of this is your fault, or his, for that matter..."

Rick's head shot up at the gravelly whisper, his eyes meeting the half-lidded gaze of his best friend. "Buddy!" he exclaimed. "You're awake."

"Kinda hard to sleep with all that self-recrimination floating around," Thomas replied with a smirk.

"Yeah? Well, if someone had taken all his meds as prescribed instead of only part of it, he would still be in dreamland," Rick snarked right back.

"What? And miss out on all this?" the PI retorted as he slowly sat up on the couch, stifling a groan.

"Hey, hey, hey – should you be up?" TC started forward but stopped when Magnum lifted a hand, indicating he was all right.

"The big man's right. Maybe you should just lie back down."

"You both worry too much – I'm fine," Thomas let out a shaky laugh and then winced when the pain at his side flared up briefly from his sudden move.

Rick crossed his arms across his chest. "If you could see what we see when we look at you, you'd be worried too."

"He's got you there, TM," TC snorted.

Magnum shot his friends a ghost of a grin. "Fair enough. If I promise to take things easy for the next couple of days, would that be enough?"

"That depends," TC replied, immediately suspicious. "Enough for…?"

The answer, when it came, was barely audible. "You both have your own lives and–"

"You are part of our lives," Rick broke in, not bothering to hide the mild exasperation in his voice.

"And I appreciate that – really I do," Thomas took a breath and pressed on, eyes wide and earnest. "But, lately, it feels like you're both always putting everything on hold for me."

"That's because you and trouble are inseparable," Rick countered, smirking. "And who says that it's all for you, anyway? I can't speak for TC but I'm doing this for my blood pressure and stress levels."

TC grinned. "Damn straight."

Magnum chuckled and then clutched his side. "Ouch. Okay, don't make me laugh."

Rick's answering grin slowly faded when Thomas grew still, his eyes taking on a faraway look. "Hey," he said, drawing his friend's attention back to him. "Wanna talk about it?"

"It's not really a big deal," Thomas confessed after a slight hesitation. "After Paulie showed up the other day, I just thought about Nuzo a lot more than usual. When we were out looking for Ahmed – it felt just like it was before only… only it wasn't."

"A part of us was missing," TC added quietly.

"Yeah," Thomas breathed out and Rick saw the anguish in his eyes before the younger man looked away. "Every now and again, I catch myself looking for him, like he was right there – in the car, in the midst of a discussion," he paused, swallowing hard. "Then we found Ahmed and when he asked for Nuzo…"

Rick closed his eyes briefly. "Yeah, that was a tough moment for all of us."

Rubbing the back of his neck, Thomas continued, his voice low and brittle, "I miss him, some days more than others, but usually, I can deal with it on my own…"

"Trouble sleeping?" TC took a guess when the other man trailed off.

"A little," Thomas admitted after a beat. "It's been a pretty rough week."

Rick nodded. "You know you can always talk to us, right? It has always helped with the nightmares."

"Wasn't about to bring up more bad memories for anyone else." Thomas blew out a breath and continued, "I think I've caused enough for a lifetime."

TC sighed. "You know we never blamed you for what happened, TM."

"I know that, I do, but… sometimes I can't help but think all the pain we went through was because of me. I brought Hannah into our circle."

Rick raised an eyebrow and said firmly, "Wrong. She would have been in our lives whether or not the two of you were together."

"Yeah," TC agreed heartily. "Look, man, she was the team's analyst. It wasn't that we chose to have her embedded with us after the two of you became a couple. If you wanna play the blame game, brother, then we should be pinning it all on the freaking CIA."

"The big guy's right," Rick said, leaning forward in his chair. "Tommy, you've gotta know by now that there was nothing you could have done that would have changed what happened. Nothing."

Thomas was silent for a long moment before he exhaled and nodded. "Thanks."

"You okay?" Rick asked.

"As long as you both quit blaming yourselves, too," Thomas cocked his head to one side, the challenge clear in his eyes.

Rick exchanged a long look with TC and then said, "I guess it's about time we all did that."

Thomas nodded, his relief evident on his face. He closed his eyes, suddenly drained, feeling every ache in his body.

"You need to rest, TM, you're seriously running on fumes," TC said with a worried frown, watching as the PI tried but couldn't hold back another yawn.

"I will," Thomas answered, pressing the heels of his palms to his eyes. "But I'm also kinda hungry right now."

Rick's phone beeped and he unlocked it to find a text from Juliet. "Well, perfect timing – the food's here. I'll go get it. Maybe get Jules to join us, too."

"I'll come with you," TC said. "The last time Higgy ordered for us it took us two trips to bring all the food over." He pointed a finger at the man on the couch, who looked like he was about to stand up as well. "You – don't even think about it. I'm serious, man. Don't make me get Zeus and Apollo here to watch you."

Magnum blanched. "You wouldn't…"

TC narrowed his eyes. "Try me."

Raising a hand in surrender, Magnum sat back down on the couch. "I'll just wait right here."

"You'd better be."

"You know what?" Rick said thoughtfully to TC as they headed out together. "We should just call it the TM-alert."

"Why?" the other man scoffed. "Everyone already knows it's for Thomas Magnum."

"I was thinking more like Trouble Magnet."

"Oooh… now that's a good one."

They shared a grin when Thomas' faint protest drifted in from the living room just as they reached the front door.

"No, it's not…!"

.

A/N: Of Portuguese origin, the untranslatable word, saudade, describes a sense of absence, of emptiness and incompleteness; where one feels sad and happy feelings all at once – sadness from missing something or someone loved, and happiness for having experienced that love. The closest English translation is the love that remains after someone is gone. I thought it illustrated how Magnum felt about losing Nuzo perfectly.

Thanks for reading! Hugs to sHoT for the beta.