TRIGGER WARNING

Death, Thoughts of Suicide, Trauma/PTSD

Please skip ahead if you think you may become triggered. The TL;DR is that Kylie has a trauma-induced nightmare in which both Apocalypse Kevin and Normal Kevin blame her for their respective deaths.

If anyone reading this thinks there are ways I can improve this trigger warning or things I am missing in the warning, please reach out and let me know.

I was surrounded by darkness. It was like anything that could possibly define a world had been sucked out of wherever I was. I had stable footing, stable ground, but other than that…

Nothing.

All I could see was black.

"Look at her." A familiar voice said behind me. I whirled around to see two figures. Both had dark hair that fell just barely to the level of their chin. Both had amber skin. Both were wearing a faded T-shirt and jeans. Both looked at me mockingly.

One had burnt sockets in place of eyes, but still seemed to look directly at me.

The other had the center of his chest turned to char and dust, but still seemed to stand with no difficulties.

It was Kevin. Both of them were.

"No matter what universe she's in, she still manages to screw everything up." The one with the burnt chest commented.

"Tell me about it." The other agreed. "My mom would still be alive if it wasn't for her."

"I'd still be alive if it wasn't for her." The first added. "You probably would be too."

"Kevin?" I asked them. "What… What happened?"

"What happened?" They both asked, chuckling. They pointed to their injuries simultaneously. "I'm dead. I died."

"Angels burnt out my eyes."

"Angels made me into a suicide bomber."

"Angels killed us, Kylie." They both intoned. "You were there. You could've stopped it. But you didn't. You let us die."

"No." I muttered, taking a step back. Suddenly they were behind me. I was shoved roughly forwards by the both of them, causing me to stumble.

"Yes." They both said. "You let us die. In a way, you killed us."

"I didn't." I argued. They were both in front of me again.

"You may have not pulled the trigger, but you loaded the bullets." They accused. "You handed it over. You were there, and you let it happen. You let us die. That makes you just as guilty as if you'd had the balls to do it yourself."

"No, I…" I muttered. "I tried to stop you. I tried to stop you from dying. I tried to save you!"

"Did you now?" They asked.

"You watched from the floor as Gadreel roasted me from the inside out." The one with the burnt eyes reminded me, placing a hand on my head. In an instant, I felt as though my insides were on fire. Every part of me was burning up from the inside out; exploding molecule by molecule outwards and upwards. I could see Kevin's face in a different room, alight with fear as his eyes exuded a painfully white light. I could see him crumple to the ground. I could see my own hand on his forehead.

When he removed his hand, I almost crumpled to the ground myself.

"You watched from the sidelines as I slammed my hand on the sigil." The other added, stepping forwards. He placed a hand on my chest. In an instant, I felt as though I was crumbling into ash. Where the experience with the first Kevin had felt like an explosion, this felt more like an implosion. Every particle of me, from where his hand was outwards, was collapsing in on its own flames; breaking down and crumpling to dust. There was light all around me, that same painful white light, and it was going to destroy everything in its path. I looked down, and saw my own hand on another's chest. When I looked back up it was Kevin's face, his eyes full of pain and betrayal as he disintegrated right before my eyes.

When he removed his hand, I expected to be dust myself.

But both times I wasn't hurt. I was alive.

"Why do you keep doing this?" They asked. "Why do you keep letting us die? Why do you keep watching it happen? Why don't you do something to save us?!" As they spoke their voices got louder and louder, angrier and angrier. "You were there! You were in the room with us! You could've stopped this!"

"You could've killed Gadreel!"

"You could've pulled my hand away!"

"You could've saved me!" Their voices became one at that point. "We didn't have to die! We could've lived! You did this to us!" Their voices became somewhat separate then. "We're dead because of you!"

"You called me your friend, and you watched me die!" The one with burnt eyes shouted.

"You called me your lover, but it was all just a lie!" The other added.

"You loved him?!" The first exclaimed, turning to look at his doppelganger for a moment. The one with the burnt chest nodded.

"She married me." He said. "She said she loved me. She said she would protect me. But it was all just a lie."

"Which was it, Kylie?" They both asked, whirling on me in an instant.

"Lover?" Chest.

"Or friend?" Eyes. "Companion?"

"Or husband?" Chest.

They both scoffed. "It's not like it makes a difference. Look at us!" They screeched. "No matter the choices you make, the things you alter, the ending is the same. WE DIE!"

"You watched as an angel burnt my soul out of my body!"

"You left me to destroy myself, and everyone else I could in that blast!"

"Why didn't you die too?!" They both asked.

"Gadreel could've easily killed you too, and should've."

"That sigil should've blown you to ashes, too."

"Why aren't you dead with us?!" They screamed. "Why do you get to live, and we get to die?!"

"I don't know." I was crying. I couldn't help it.

"We'd be ALIVE if it wasn't for you! Why do you do this, Kylie? Why did you let us die?! Why do you let everyone around you die?! We trusted you! You said you would protect us!" They were both so angry. So hurt. So betrayed. "You said you would be there! You promised me!"

"I know." I could feel the tears in my voice as I spoke; the sobs on my face. I knew they were right. I'd promised to protect them. I'd promised to keep them… keep him… safe. "I'm sorry, Kevin. I'm so sorry."

"Sorry?!" They exclaimed. "Sorry doesn't mean JACK SHIT! Sorry doesn't bring us back!"

"Sorry doesn't fix my eyes." He pointed to them for emphasis.

"Sorry doesn't fix my chest." He pointed to it for emphasis.

"Sorry doesn't bring my mom back." He pointed away, and in the distance I could barely make out the figure of a woman.

"Sorry doesn't bring our marriage back." He held his hand out towards me, bringing my attention back in to see the ring on his hand.

"Sorry doesn't change the fact that we're dead, and you're still alive!" They both declared. They were so loud. "What makes you better than us?! What God or Fate or Destiny or whatever force in the universe gets to make that choice? What gives you the right to keep on living and forces the right on us to die?!"

"I could be in college!" The Kevin with burnt eyes reminded me. "I could've had a normal life. I could've gotten my mom back. I could've had a future!"

"I loved you." The Kevin with the burnt chest continued. "I could've had a family. I could've been a better man, a better prophet. I could've had a future!"

"We could've lived!" They screamed. "We could've had a future! We could've had a life! We had choices! We had destinies! We had options! And YOU SCREWED IT ALL UP!" They were right in front of me, always right in front of me; inescapable no matter where I turned. "YOU LET US DIE, KYLIE! NOT SAM OR DEAN. NOT JACK OR MARY. NOT LUCIFER OR GOD OR MICHAEL OR GADREEL. YOU!" They shoved me backwards, causing me to land hard on my back. I felt my skull explode in pain as it hit the ground I couldn't see. "You could've saved us from the angels. You could've saved us from the demons. But you didn't! You let us be held for months, be tortured!"

"By angels." Burnt chest.

"By demons." Burnt eyes.

"By God's divine words." Both.

"At Michael's hands." Burnt chest.

"At Crowley's hands." Burnt eyes.

"By your inability to save us!" Both. Both of them were standing above me, forcing me to see and remember everything they said. A battered and bruised Kevin, scared and scattered as he was dragged into the room with me. A Kevin beside me in a chair, screaming in agony. "You let it happen, Kylie! You did!"

"All she cared about was her angel lover." The one with the burnt eyes sneered. The other looked at him in shock.

"Angel lover?" He asked, turning to me. "Angel lover?! You chose to marry the enemy?! What does that make me then? Second place? The backup? The one you settled for because you couldn't get your hands on the species that DESTROYED THE UNIVERSE?!"

"And what about me?" The other asked. "Why didn't I deserve to be loved? Why did you keep looking past me? I was there when the angel wasn't. I was there from the very beginning! Why did you marry him, but not me?"

"Why did you choose an angel?" The one with the burnt chest added. "Angels KILLED US! YOU KILLED US!"

"I know." I sobbed. "I know."

"Why can't you just do the right thing and DIE?!" They both demanded. "Take the gun you keep loading up and finally point it towards your own body!"

"Point it to your eyes."

"Point it to your chest."

"Point it to your own lying, hateful heart," they both demanded. "And pull the trigger!" I looked down at my hands and saw they were perfectly pristine. No damage. No wear and tear. Not even dampness from wiping at my tears. They looked absolutely fine in comparison to the two before me.

The only thing they held was a gun. I could tell it was loaded. I don't know how, but I knew.

"You don't deserve to live." They both stated. "You have played with our lives too much to get to keep that right. Now it's time for us to be judge and jury. Your job is to be the executioner. That's always been your job." I kept crying as I looked at the gun in my hands. "Why be a coward? You've done it to us twice now. You've done it to countless others. You keep standing by and letting others do your dirty work. You keep justifying your conscience by saying it wasn't your fault. It's time to own up to your actions Kylie, and pull the trigger." I looked back up at them, but they were gone. Instead a cracked wall stood before me, grey and gold and purple and depressing. I could still hear their voices though. They were so loud and insistent. They were screaming in my ears. "Do it! Just fucking do it! You don't deserve to live, we did! Pull the trigger and do it, Kylie!" I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't stop my hands. I couldn't stop myself from turning the gun, and aiming the barrel at my heart. "DO IT!" They screamed. They wouldn't stop screaming those words.

I couldn't stop my finger from tightening on the trigger.

I couldn't stop myself from sitting up straight where I laid, screaming as I woke from the dream.

I couldn't stop myself from crying as Mary and Jack and Bobby all rushed into the room, asking questions I couldn't answer.

I couldn't stop hearing Kevin's voices in my mind, screaming that I was a coward and that I didn't deserve to live.

I couldn't stop looking at the angel blades across the room, and thinking they were right.

I couldn't bring myself to grab them, either.