I was dreaming. I was watching myself as I dreamed. I was younger, then. I had much longer hair. There was blood pooled all around the other me. Someone else was on top of the other me, choking her, killing her.
I walked around, getting a view of the attacker. It was Castiel, with wilder hair and red eyes. He seemed so intent. He wanted to destroy me. He wanted to kill me. This was different from the Castiel I'd seen earlier. The Castiel earlier was more calculating and determined. This one was more violent, more enraged. I felt as though that the Castiel I'd met earlier could easily reach this stage too, if provoked enough.
I wondered if the Castiel from earlier wished to turn me into his own monster to destroy others, like the Castiel I was seeing now.
I saw the other me's eyes glow white, encompassing the room all around us.
She pushed her hands outwards, and I saw everything around her burning. She burned Castiel away from her, pushing him back with a scream. For a moment, I wondered if she was even aware she was screaming.
Her mouth burned white as well.
Everything burned white.
Everything burned.
Magic was going to burn her up.
Magic was burning me up from the inside out over and over and over again.
I woke up with a start, inhaling sharply as I grasped at the sheets around me. I didn't sit up. I didn't say a word. I just laid there, waiting for the panicked feeling to subside. I was… I was in my bed. I wasn't in a chair. I wasn't outside.
Outside.
My neck.
I reached up, feeling around at it. There was no metal, no ridged skin, no scarring, nothing that could indicate what had happened.
Was last night even real?
I sat up to look down at my body, lifting my shirt up to see my stomach. There were raised white scars, healed as though they'd been there for a long time, with Enochian names scrawled on them.
Yeah.
It was real.
So why wasn't my neck scarred?
"You alright?" Ketch's voice, next to me. I looked over at him. He was sitting on the side of a cot. He looked a little beat still, but fine.
"Did we make it?" I asked. He nodded.
"Yeah, we did."
"How?"
"We were rescued." I sat up more, throwing my legs over the side as well. I automatically felt nauseous afterwards, and slumped down over myself. I grasped the sides of the cot firmly, and kept my arms rigid to hold myself up. I felt like I was going to be sick. "Take it easy. You tend to feel ill after expending a lot of your magic."
"That's a thing?" I asked, glancing up. It was difficult to not keep staring at the ground. He nodded.
"Yes. You used to keep small snacks on your person in case of this happening."
"What did I like?"
"Granola bars. Sometimes apples, but those didn't fit in your pocket as well." I saw him toss something to me. Automatically I flinched, expecting pain from one of those bags. As I looked over, though, I saw it was just a small apple. "Fortunately for you, I had one."
"I…" I wasn't certain what to say. Thank you? What in the hell happened last night? Who saved us? Why do I have to be a witch? What does this mean? "I'm sorry."
"What for?" I motioned to my own neck in response. He just shrugged. "I've done worse to you." He assured me. "Are you alright?"
"No." I forced myself to look up fully at him. "Ketch, I gave away information. All it took was one of those… those collars, those things," I shuddered at the thought of them. "And I couldn't stop myself from speaking. I couldn't control myself, it was like I had no form of myself. I became a monster. I just…" I didn't know what to say. I looked back down, taking a few deep breaths. "That can never happen again." I told him.
"And it won't." He promised.
"Good." I steadied my breath a little. "How do I stop myself from being a witch?"
"What?" He asked, the word coming out sharply.
"Is there any way to stop me from being a witch?" I asked. "Like, can it be taken away?"
"Not that I know of." He said cautiously. "I thought it had already happened, and that in itself was an," he paused, taking a moment to think of which words to say. "Outlier. An extremely odd and exceptional outlier."
"I don't even understand why I can use magic now." I said. "I can't control it, not all the time. I can't even use it half the time. But being able to be forced to like that," I took another deep breath. "That felt wrong, but the magic I used, I," I stopped my sentence there. What was I about to say? I hated it, but using it felt like I should've been doing that all the time? It felt like a forced natural move, like someone pushing you to walk forwards? It felt wrong, it was terrifying, but at the same time I could just barely feel power moving through me.
For just a moment, I could see the power I held as a witch. It was terrifying and at the same time absolutely incredible.
It was something I shouldn't ever have. It was too much power.
"It felt natural." Ketch said calmly. I nodded glumly, not meeting his eyes.
"Being able to do things like that, when I could remember things and remember myself and when I was, well, different," I wasn't certain how to explain the difference, but I was certain as to my next words. "I can't blame you for considering me a monster. Being able to hurt you, even though it was forced, the action itself was too easy. It was too natural. I… I'm a monster. I'm a thing that hurts people." I shrugged a little, glancing up at Ketch for a moment. "You're right. I am a monster. You should've followed orders and killed me."
Ketch didn't say a word. I don't think he knew what to say.
"I'm going to find a way to stop myself from having this power." I said decisively. "I don't know how, but there's got to be a way to put some sort of a stop on this. I don't… I don't ever want to use magic like that. I don't want to hurt people like that."
One way or another, I was determined to make sure I wasn't a danger to anyone anymore.
I wouldn't let myself keep being a monster.
My words hung heavily between the two of us for a time. When Ketch spoke up again, though, it wasn't what I expected. "You created new wardings to allow yourself and your dog, a hellhound, to walk freely through London without setting off alarms." He said. "You also used to sit in the main control room and work on new spells. You'd be muttering some sort of tune while you did. I know you don't remember that, but for the record I don't even know if you were aware of what you were humming." I looked up at him, confused, and he kept going. "You had a friend, Thomason Jones. You two were inseparable friends. His job was to spy on you, and make sure that you still remained a worthwhile asset, but you became his friend as well. He was certain that you were more than just a witch. You changed his thinking from being a witch to being a person. He tried to protect you and save you."
"What does all of this mean, Ketch?" I asked.
"You created spells for your dog, the hellhound, so that the two of you could play in a park." He kept going anyways, as though I'd never said anything. "You exhausted your energy and magical resources frequently in the name of saving those around you. You went to college."
"What's that?" That wasn't a word I knew here.
"It's schooling, for higher education." He explained before continuing. "You wanted to do something good with your life, but you didn't realize that you already had been."
"Ketch, I don't remember anything you're saying at all." I said. "I don't remember a Thomason Jones, or a college," the word felt foreign for only a moment longer. "Or London or Karma or creating wardings or being a witch or even being good. All you're telling me are things I don't remember."
"You remember some things." He said. "Which means you remember, somewhere, what it's like to be a witch and a good person."
"The only things with magic that I remember right now are pain and suffering." I said. "And only saving my own sorry ass."
"That's not true."
"Really?" I looked up at him, raising an eyebrow. Ketch nodded, getting up himself. He walked over to me slowly, and took the apple from the cot to place in my hands.
"Really." He promised. "You remembered the name of your hellhound." I thought about that for a moment. He'd said it, right? He'd said Karma's name, right?
No. No, he hadn't.
Ketch clasped my hands around the apple. "Somewhere inside of you, you remember the good you could do with magic as well. Right now, you just see the bad. But you can change it. You can chose what kind of person or witch you want to be." He moved away, offering me one last look. "Eat up, then come out. There are others that wish to meet you."
He walked out, leaving me in the tent with nothing but an apple and my own thoughts. I ate it quietly, summoning up courage as I did. There were people that wanted to meet me? Nobody requests me, they always requested Jack or Mary or Bobby. The only time anyone requested me was the kids for stories, or sometimes Jack or Mary or Bobby or Charlie or Ketch. Nobody new ever asked for me directly. When they did, it was normally asking for "Kai," and was a good sign that they were a spy.
When I finally finished my apple and left the tent, Ketch was waiting for me beside a few other people. Charlie was there, and she ran towards me the second she saw me.
"You're amazing!" She crowed, gathering me into a bear hug. "I can't believe you did that! How did you get me out?!" She backed away then to smack me on the arm. "Don't ever do that again! I was terrified for you!"
"Good to see you too, Charlie." I offered her a small smile. "You… You're not mad that I lied to you?"
"Hell no!" She exclaimed. "I wish you'd told me sooner! With what you can do, we can kick some serious ass!" I wanted to say something, maybe just a kind way to say no to the idea, but Charlie kept on going. "Come on, you gotta meet these guys!"
"Who?" I tried to ask. Charlie just grabbed my hand and pulled me along. There were two guys behind her. One was tall and lean, with brown hair going past his shoulders. The other was a little shorter, with shorter cut hair and a heavy jacket. The both of them looked ragged, but tough.
The both of them were looking at me as though they knew me.
I felt like I recognized them a little as well.
"Hi." I tried weakly, offering the two a small wave. Bobby walked up to stand between them, offering me a reassuring smile.
"Kylie, this is Sam and Dean." He introduced, looking at the tall one for Sam and the short one for Dean. "They're from the other world. They knew you."
"Do they," I looked to Bobby, uncertain on what I was asking. Do they know I don't remember them? Do they like me? Do they think I'm a monster?
Bobby just smiled at me again. "They're friends. Your friends." He assured me. "And they know you don't remember." The shorter one, Dean, took a few slow steps forwards to me.
"Kylie?" He asked. He looked at me slowly, his eyes pausing on my hair for a moment. "Cas told us about that. I'm still pissed it was done, but short hair suits you."
"Thanks." I didn't quite understand what he was talking about, but I would take it as it was. Then I thought for a moment on his voice. I'd heard it before. I was certain. "You came over with Ketch, at first." His eyes widened a little in surprise. "You came with Sam and Cas and someone else this time."
"Gabriel, yeah." Dean nodded. He still sounded unsure and surprised as he looked at me.
"OK." I wasn't certain what else to do either.
"Kylie," Sam next, taking long strides forwards to look at me. His voice was familiar too.
"I talked to you." I muttered, thinking hard. One of the first memories I'd somewhat-gotten back. "There was howling. I remember hearing the conversation. You…" I looked between them. "You both saved me then. And you saved me now, from the angels."
"Yeah, well," Dean shrugged, looking off a little.
"We're not leaving our family behind." Sam finished. After that he moved forwards slowly, arms out for a hug, and I couldn't help but go for it. He looked like he needed a hug.
If I was being honest, I needed a hug.
Dean joined in a second later, the both of them embracing me tightly. It felt nice, this hug. I could feel the tiniest bit of a memory creep back to me as they both started to pull away.
"Kylie?" This memory had visuals, this time. We were in a place I didn't recognize. Sam, Dean, and Mary were all pulled together for a hug, but Sam had broken away for a second. Everyone was looking at me. "What're you doing over there?"
"I… I… Umm…" I could feel the idea of this being a family moment in the back of my mind. In the memory, Dean motioned for me to join them, looking at me as though I was an idiot. "I…" I tried to speak.
"Get over here." Mary encouraged. She looked happier than I'd ever seen her before. "You're a part of this family too."
I paused for a second before I joined them. I could feel tears forming on my face as I did. The feeling of this hug - this sense of belonging within their family – was absolutely astounding. I'd thought that I wasn't their family anymore – that my status as a witch had pushed me away from that possibility.
But in this memory, their arms were stretched and around me as tightly as any other family. I was a part of their family.
They hadn't called me their family in a long time. Hearing them say it healed something that had been broken and scared inside me.
I hugged the both of them a little tighter, smiling slightly. "Family." I muttered. Bobby and Mary and Jack and Sam and Dean. Family.
They pulled away slowly, and I heard them sniffling a little. "We thought we'd lost you, kiddo." Dean admitted. Sam wiped something unseen off his face.
"We heard you screaming outside, and Castiel," at the mention of that name I felt tense. Castiel. Torturer in this universe. The witch-catcher.
"Is he dead?" I interrupted. The two looked at me in shock.
"Cas?" Dean asked. I nodded.
"Tell me he's dead." I begged. They all glanced around each other until Ketch spoke up.
"The Castiel in this universe was the one that was… holding us." He said. "He's the one that was torturing us."
"Oh." Sam muttered. None of them looked quite like they knew how to explain it. "Kylie, there… There's another Castiel."
"The one from our universe." Dean added. "The good one."
"He's the one that went and got you himself." Sam said. "He carried you out."
"I don't remember that either." I said. "I just remember the Castiel I saw ordering me to," I stopped, looking over at Ketch. I could see my hand raised at him, and at the same time at a building. Silence him. Burn them. Stand. Obey.
"They forced a witch-catcher on her." Ketch explained quietly. From the sound of his voice, it sounded more like he was reminding them.
"I was told to burn down the building you were all in, and instead the metal melted around my throat." I summed up. I could hear the emptiness in my voice as I said it. "I remember someone touching me, and everything hurt much worse. Then I woke up there." I pointed to the medical tent for emphasis.
"You didn't tell her?" Dean asked, turning to Ketch. He shook his head.
"I told her we were rescued in general." He said. "I figured it should be up to you all and Castiel to fill in the rest." He offered me a nod before walking off somewhere else. Everyone looked around at each other again, not quite certain how to proceed.
"Please tell me something." I finally requested. "Because I've heard a lot of things about you guys from the other universe. I've heard we were family, I've heard that I was married to this Castiel guy, I've heard that I was a magic freak, and I've heard some miscellaneous things. So someone, please, tell me at least what happened last night that I don't remember. How did you guys find us, for example?" I looked around, seeing nobody stepping up to answer yet.
They looked up and above me, instead, their eyes focusing on something behind me. I turned around quickly, uncertain of who to expect.
I definitely wasn't expecting Castiel.
I reacted quickly, and automatically reached for my angelic blades. They weren't there, though. They'd been confiscated.
"No." I stepped backwards, right into Sam and Dean. They stayed still, looking at me in confusion.
"Kylie, it's OK." Bobby promised, appearing at my side. "This is their Castiel. This is the one from their side. This is the one that," he stopped, seeing the expression on my face. I was still absolutely terrified. He looked like the same Castiel. He looked like the same person who'd forced me to almost kill Ketch and burn down the building. I could still see the detached and sadistic glee in his eyes. "Look at him, Kylie." Bobby's voice brought me back to the present. "Really look at him. He's not the same. Find the differences."
"Kylie?" Castiel asked. I forced down my panic, trying to do as Bobby asked. This Castiel's voice helped. It was different. It wasn't clipped. It wasn't accented. It wasn't… wasn't wrong. This one was kinder. Smoother. A little deeper. More graveled.
Differences. His hair wasn't as smooth and sleek at the other's had been. His was ruffled. It was just the slightest hint lighter. It was more natural. And his eyes… One of the other Castiel's had been clouded, yet both had been a mixture of tensely maintained cruelty. This Castiel's eyes were softer. They were a light blue, that was clear. They were kinder. One wasn't clouded over. They looked at me with concern.
His outfit was looser, not as precisely picked. His stance was open and relaxed. He held no weapons in his hands, no anger or ill will in his body. His hands rested loosely at his sides. I looked back over at Bobby.
"You promise he's not the same one?" I asked. I had to make sure. Bobby nodded.
"Yeah." He assured me. "He's a whole other guy from a whole other universe."
I turned back to look at Castiel. This was the Castiel I'd known before I forgot. This wasn't the same one that had hurt me. This wasn't the same one that had tortured me. This was a different one. This was one that had gone to save me.
I'm coming for you, Kylie. I could hear him, and just barely see him, in the back of my mind. A different setting, like looking through a window. He looked determined, but for a good reason.
He was supposed to be good.
"You're the good Castiel?" I asked him. He nodded, still unable to take his eyes off of me. "You were there? You…" I thought about his voice again. I recognized it.
He'd been there. He told the cruel Castiel no. He'd tried to stop him.
"You saved me last night." I stated. It wasn't a question necessarily, but he still nodded anyways. "You healed the melted metal from my neck?"
"Yes." His voice sounded a little hoarse as he spoke. "Do… Do you remember anything? Anything about us?"
"You married me." I stated. I saw his eyes light up a little at my words.
"You remember that?" He asked. I shook my head.
"No." His excitement quickly faded. "That's just what I've been told."
I remembered the last time that this was the situation; the last time someone looked at me like they loved me. I remembered watching them die.
I couldn't save those around me the last time that happened. I couldn't even save him.
I couldn't let it happen again.
"It's nice to meet you, Castiel." I said stiffly. "I…" I looked around. People were moving quickly. People were prepping. People were moving. It looked like we were getting ready to move out. "I should go help with some things." I said quickly. I could see someone working on the bus. "Scout ahead. Gather supplies." I looked back at Castiel and saw something on his face disappear; some emotion I couldn't place fell away, and left him with nothing but worry and sadness. "It was nice to meet all of you again." I said quickly, turning to the others. "Still working on remembering the rest of you. All in due time, I suppose."
"Kylie," Bobby tried, but I cut him off quickly.
"I'm going to do some scouting and make sure the perimeter is clear." I said. "Shout when we're ready to roll out."
"You don't even know what the plan is, though," Sam tried from behind me. I turned quickly and shrugged.
"Doesn't matter. Bobby backs it, and I'm pretty certain Mary and Jack do too or else none of this would be happening, so I'm on board. We're leaving to go somewhere. Great. Just let me know when it's time to go." I turned back at Castiel again, and saw the pain in his eyes. I could feel that pain reflected in me.
I couldn't help it. I turned away. "See you guys later." I walked off much too quickly then. I walked until I hit the tree line, then walked a little farther out.
I broke out into a run once I was out of eyesight. I wasn't quite certain where I was running, but I just… I was. I needed to get away, if only for a short while.
Kevin's face passed by me. Then Castiel's. It kept switching between the two. They were hopeful. The kept saying they loved me. I kept running.
Kevin's eyes were gone. Castiel's eyes were glassy and hard. He was smiling. His eyes made it garish. I couldn't tell which "he" I was talking about. I kept running.
Kevin's body was burning. He was running behind me. I could almost see it. He wanted to hug me. Castiel had been left behind. I kept running.
I ran into Kevin in front of me. I couldn't hear his voice. I couldn't tell which one he was. I ran into someone. They let out an exclamation of surprise as we both went crashing to the ground.
"Who in the hell are you?" They asked. Male. Kind of short, but still taller than me. Blonde hair. Not Kevin. I scrambled away quickly, helping them up.
"Who are you?" I asked in response. He stood up beside me and dusted himself off, looking somewhat annoyed at the dirt on his pants.
"I'm Gabriel." He said, moving his eyes from the dirt to look me up and down. His eyes froze on my face. "Oh."
"What do you mean, 'oh?'"
"You're her." He said simply. "You're my in-law."
"In-law?" I didn't understand that phrase.
"You married my little brother, Castiel."
Castiel.
Gabriel was another angel. The other person from the other world.
I dusted myself off quickly. I didn't need to be here. Gabriel would only have more questions. "I should go." I said.
"Where were you running to?" He asked instead.
"Scouting." I lied automatically. "Making sure the perimeter is safe before we head out."
"Uh-huh. Sure." Gabriel said, crossing his arms. "Listen, sister. I know running away when I see it, and the way you were running?" He offered me a small smile. "I've done that enough to recognize it easy-peasy."
"I'm not running away." I tried to argue, but the words fell flat as I said them. Gabriel just kept staring at me, smirking, his arms crossed.
"It's alright." He promised. "I won't tell on you if you won't tell on me."
"What?" I asked.
"I'm running for just a little bit too." He explained. "It used to be my go-to move, and I'm pretty good at it in all honesty. Why fight when escape is so much easier?" His smile broadened a little more. "Places to go, a whole world to see, people to meet and spend some quality time with." He nudged me a little at that. I just stared at him blankly, earning a sigh. "No memory. Right. If it makes you feel any better, we never met before this anyways, so there's nothing to worry about."
"You… You didn't ever meet me before?" I asked. He nodded.
"Never seen you before in my life." He promised. I thought on that for a moment. New slate. Same world I couldn't remember, but a new person. That was…
Refreshing.
"It's nice to meet you then." I said, feeling myself calm down a little. Never met me. No expectations. New slate. New person.
"Nice to meet you too." He smiled.
"Why are you here?"
"Like I said," he motioned to the forests around us. "I'm toying with the feeling of running away again. I know I'm not going to this time, but," he shrugged. "I had to double check. I had to make sure I wouldn't."
"No. Why… why are you here, in this world?" I asked. "Why come here?"
"Who else were they going to call?" He smiled a little. "Ghostbusters?"
"Huh?" I furrowed my brows. That just made him laugh a little more.
"You," he pointed at my face a little. "You look like him! Before he chilled out." Another laugh, and then it subsided. "Sorry, Castiel, he used to wear that same expression when he didn't get a reference." He paused, thinking. "And now he's going to have to teach you all these cultural references and what's popular and what the word 'yeet' means and everything."
"You're losing me." I said, raising an eyebrow. "What in the hell is a 'yeet'?"
"Don't worry about it." He assured me, calming down from his laughter. "Oh, I needed that for a moment. This… This is nice. It's nice to finally meet you, even if you don't remember much."
"Has Castiel told you a lot about me?"
"No."
"Are you lying?"
"Yeah." Gabriel shrugged. "But I think you've been working hard for a while to try and act like who everyone else is expecting you to act like, and I know that if it was me then I'd be pretty tired of doing that at this point, so I figured you'd like the option to not have that expectation then."
"Huh." I thought on that. He talked a lot. "You've done it too, haven't you? Been forced to play someone you're not."
"I'm doing it right now." He offered. "Playing the role of a hero when I'm not one."
"What are you, then?"
"I," his voice fell a little. "I don't actually know." He shrugged. "I guess right now I'm just here to help."
"OK." I could understand that. I could respect that. "Who do you want to be, then?"
"Someone smart enough to have not come here." He said with a laugh. "Eh, I don't know." He thought a little bit. "I guess being a hero wouldn't be bad. They tend to get the girl, after all. Save the day, receive the praise, get the girl at your feet," he looked off into the distance and shrugged. "I don't know." He repeated. "I just know I want to be done with hiding and running, I guess."
"So why are you running now?" I asked him.
"I could ask you the same thing." He responded, looking back over at me. The way he phrased it told me that he wouldn't answer unless I did; and in all honesty, I actually wanted to answer. Gabriel didn't expect anything from me. Gabriel didn't know me. He… he actually might understand more than Mary or Jack or Bobby would.
"They all know me." I pointed back towards the camp. "A form of me, in one way or the other, from before I came to this world or before I lost my memories. They all know who I don't remember being. I… I don't." I took a small breath. "And they all expect something different out of me, I can see it. I can see they all want something and I don't know how to be who they want." I thought on all those different identities. "Bobby expects me to be the Kylie from this world, even when he knows I'm not. Jack and Mary expect me to be some magic master. Sam and Dean expect me to be whoever they were used to, and Castiel…" The thought of Castiel's expectations frightened me most. "He's expecting me to be his wife, and I don't know how to be his wife. I don't know how to be in love with him. I don't even know how to just look at him normally." I admitted. "I… I know I should know. I know I should remember, and I think I did once," flicks of a dream flew past my head. I was reaching out, promising I was here. I could just barely make out who I was reaching towards. "But I don't know now. All I know is that another him almost turned me into a magic puppet."
"The other Castiel." Gabriel said, his voice solemn. I nodded.
"Yeah. He was called in as a specialist to deal with me and Ketch." I said. "He… He could've ordered me to kill Ketch, and I would've had no choice. I almost did." I could still feel it in my hands, the power flowing through that felt so wrong and bad and I couldn't stop it.
"He had a witchcatcher." Gabriel didn't necessarily ask, but I was certain the answer was yes anyways.
"Is that the thing that goes around my neck?" I asked. "With the leather coming off to hold on to?"
"Yeah." Gabriel looked like he didn't know what to say. Hell, I didn't even know what to say. I'd just… Just spilled a lot of what had just happened. And what had just happened was a thing, at least to me. I… I wasn't certain how to process it all yet or deal with it and I kept hearing Kevin screaming in my mind if I tried to push it all out of my head.
"You've gone through a lot." He finally offered. I nodded. "Jesus, you'll probably have to go to some sort of shrink afterwards, but I can't think of one that will actually believe you instead of locking you up. And," Gabriel paused. I could see a new thought in his mind, one that made sense to him. "And we're about to take you to a universe you don't remember the faintest thing about." Another nod.
"All I know is here." I said. "And even though it's been bad and I don't know what to do with all of it still, I know to expect bad. I'm getting better at reacting and dealing with bad. But in the other world, with everyone having these different ideas of who I am and what I do?" I shook my head. "I have an idea on who to be and how to act here." Jack's voice flitted through my mind for a moment, whispering the word react. "I don't know what to do there. I don't know what to do with you all in that other world. And I'm… I'm afraid."
"Afraid to leave or afraid to stay?" He asked. I thought for a moment.
"Both." I decided. "Here I run the risk of being the angel's puppet again. There, I don't know anything."
"Good." Gabriel said encouragingly. I looked up at him in confusion. "If you weren't afraid, I'd be concerned. Fear is good. It keeps you humble."
"So, what do I do?" I asked him.
"Do you want to go back?" He asked. I furrowed my brows again. "To the other world. The non-apocalyptic one." He explained. "You don't necessarily have to go back, if you don't want to."
"I don't?"
"Nope." He said. "If you really want to, you could stay here in War of the Worlds – world, and do whatever it is that you're used to and comfortable with here until the day you die, which in all honesty is probably sooner than later. But still, you could stay." I looked around. I could stay here. I could stay at war every day, running for my life every day, fighting for the little pieces of the world to survive in every day.
I shouldn't want that. That was a crazy thing to want and be OK with doing for the rest of my life.
But even with every terrible and shitty thing that happened – every single little thing that made me wake up almost screaming – it was what I knew. I didn't even know a life before war, in this world or the other. This… This was all I knew.
What if I couldn't do anything in the other world? What if I was useless in the other world, always running and fighting and looking for how to survive? What if I couldn't just… just do what everyone – from this world and the other world – would be able to do and know how to exist in a world that wasn't in a constant state of war and fear?
"Would they let me?" I asked. I didn't have to specify who they were. Gabriel shook his head.
"If they knew, no." He was honest, at least. "Not if you told them."
"And if I just… just didn't go through?" I asked. "What if I just waited until the door back is closed, after everyone else got through?"
"That could work." Gabriel nodded. "Cas would blame himself for the rest of his life, though. He'd think it was his fault you were left behind. Sam and Dean and Jack and the others would do the same on varying degrees, but Cas would never stop blaming himself. He'd do everything he could to get back here and be with you."
"And if I told him I wanted to stay?" I asked.
"He'd respect it." Gabriel said. "And he'd stay here with you. Even if I pulled his lovestruck ass through myself, he'd find a way back here to stay with you; no matter the costs."
"Then I can't stay, can I?" I asked. "Not really. Not without someone getting hurt."
"No, not without someone getting hurt." Gabriel agreed.
"What if I hurt them more by going and not being the person they want me to be?" Kevin's face flashed through my mind again, this time with that look of hurt and pain and betrayal he'd worn before he'd slapped his hand on the sigil in his chest.
"What if you don't?" Gabriel asked in response. That response made me blink, and Kevin disappeared.
I didn't quite know how to respond to that. What if I don't? What if things are fine over there? What if I figure out how to be me there? I'd done it here. What if I could be more than a fighter in a war?
What if I could be all those things people look at me for. Not remember how to be them, but figure them out in my own time at my own pace?
Or what if I could just learn how to be me in the other world?
"And if I go with you all?"
"You won't really know anything." Again, he was honest. "You'll have to learn the different cultural norms and get updated on memes and good TV and movies. It'll be a lot of information to process, and that's just your environment. That doesn't even include the people around you."
"That sounds like a lot."
"It is." He agreed. "But it'll be worth it. You won't have to fight a war every day. You won't have to force yourself to be anyone other than who you want to be. And if you need a break from their expectations," he jerked two thumbs at himself. "I'll be there to pull you out for a short little run."
"You… You will?" I asked.
"Yeah!" He slapped me on the back. "You're, like, my sister-in-law, even if you don't remember it, and I'm going to treat you like family." He was smiling a little bit. "A new sister and a nephew, all in one day. Who would've thought?"
"A nephew?" I asked, confused.
"Yeah," Gabriel reminded me. "Jack."
"Oh." Jack. "Castiel is Jack's father."
"Kind of." Gabriel said. "Adopted dad, technically."
"Who's Jack's father, then?" I asked. A terrible idea hit me. "Is it… Is it Michael?"
"No, no, don't worry." Gabriel assured me. "It's not Michael."
"Then who is it?"
"Um…" He looked uncomfortable at that question.
"That would be me!" A new voice crowed, walking up to us through the trees. We turned to see Castiel, Jack, and a third person I didn't recognize. He was another male, around Castiel's height, and something about him felt… Wrong. I didn't know how to explain it. His hair was short and kind of spikey, and something about the way he was walking… He was too confident.
I had a feeling that would be how I looked if I didn't have fear.
"Kylie." Castiel looked relieved. "We've been looking for you and Gabriel. It's almost time to go."
"Who is that?" I asked, pointing at the third person. Jack offered me a bright smile.
"That's… That's my father." He said. He sounded happy about it. "Lucifer."
The name sent chills through me, and I couldn't quite pinpoint why. "Lucifer?" I asked, making sure.
"Good to see you again, Kylie!" Lucifer cheered, stepping forwards to clap me on the shoulder. Behind him I could see Castiel visibly tense. "Bet this brings back some awkward memories, huh?"
"I, uh…" I backed away, standing just a little behind Gabriel. "I don't remember you."
"Oh." Lucifer looked more relieved than saddened by that. "Oh well. New slate, new start. Probably for the best, anyways."
"Are you alright?" Castiel asked, pushing past Lucifer to stand in front of me. He looked over me, checking for any injuries.
"I'm fine." I promised. "I've just been talking to Gabriel."
"I figured it was about time I met the object of your quest." Gabriel nudged Castiel with his elbow a little, offering him a purposefully-obvious wink. "She's pretty nice. Take good care of her." Gabriel glanced back over at me. "She can take care of herself, no problems, but, you know," he turned back to Castiel, shrugging. "You do the good guy thing too." Gabriel offered a glare at Lucifer before turning to face Jack. "Come on, you two. Let's give them some privacy on our way back." Jack nodded, offering me a thumbs-up as he turned and headed back with Gabriel. Lucifer lingered for just a moment longer, evaluating me for reasons I couldn't understand before he caught up with Jack and Gabriel.
"Are you alright?" Castiel asked again once they were out of earshot.
"I'm fine." I repeated. "Who… Who is Lucifer?" I asked. "I know he's Jack's father, but you're also Jack's father and something about Lucifer feels like…" Like the other Castiel. Like you were a piece of meat being examined. "Just bad." I said instead.
"Lucifer is," Castiel took a moment to pause, searching for the right words. "Complicated. He's been our enemy more often than not."
"Like Ketch?" Castiel paused.
"What do you know about him?" Castiel asked. His body was tenser than normal, moving just a little bit to cover me from an imaginary enemy.
"I know that he tried to kill me." I said. "Multiple times. And that I used to want to kill him." Castiel was still tense. "I don't remember it all, really. But that's what he and Mary told me."
"Has he tried to hurt you?" Castiel asked.
"No." I shook my head. "He… He stayed. When I sent Charlie back to Bobby, Ketch moved away on purpose. He stayed with me." Castiel looked conflicted in what to say next.
"Well, Lucifer is worse." He decided to say. "Much worse." He glanced back in the direction the others had gone. "I'll explain it to you later. We need to go."
"OK." I nodded, thinking for a moment. "Wait, where are we going?" Castiel turned back to look at me, a small smile on his face.
"Home." He promised. He said the word like it relieved every burden off of his shoulders.
I heard it like those burdens were being transferred from his shoulders to mine.