Sorry this chapter took so long and that it's a little shorter than the others. This is the start of a heavier part of the story and it was kind of difficult for me to write because, as I say every author's note, this story is about my life. Parts of this were written before this was a fanfic, just as me writing what happened to me as though it happened to someone else to cope. That is often what I do when I am in a tough place mentally which I have been again recently so if you guys want me to turn my more recent journal into a fun story too just let me know lol. Also to the comment that said they hoped this was a happy story, I'm sorry to disappoint but it's going to get really sad for a little bit. In fact, I'm just gonna put it out there now that the next 2 chapters or so will probably have a trigger warning so be sure to read those author notes to see if those are okay chapters for you to read. Without further babbling, enjoy and leave a comment to let me know what you think! Disclaimer: I don't own OTH.

Haley and Lucas had been going to parties alongside Nathan the past 5 weekends. Nathan and Lucas had started to truly get along, they'd play basketball together at the Rivercourt more days than not. Haley was glad they were getting along but she didn't really like going to the parties. Nathan was always with Theresa and Lucas spent most of his time talking to Brooke. It was ridiculous. It was so clear she was just messing around meanwhile he had a huge crush on her.

"We should play a game or something." Nathan's voice cut through Haley's thoughts. He was looking right at her, maybe he could tell she was bored.

"Okay, let's play 'I Never'" Theresa suggested. She was practically on top of Nathan which was completely unnecessary because there was plenty of room.

"What do you say, Hales, you in?" Nathan had yet to look at Theresa and Haley could clearly see the older girl getting annoyed.

"Yeah, Hales, you in?" She flashed an anything but friendly smile Haley's way.

5 weeks ago

Haley took a deep breath to calm her accelerating nerves before taking a step towards the tall, beautiful cheerleaders. She felt so out of place in the gym after school, or during school for that matter. She cleared her throat, "Theresa? Can I talk to you?"

"I'm kind of busy right now, Holly." Theresa rolled her eyes. Haley winced at her dismissal, it had taken all her courage to walk over here, she didn't want to wait until another time.

"It'll only take a minute." Haley persisted. Theresa sighed, instructing the girls to keep practicing without her. Of course, she was the freaking captain. She belonged with the prodigy athlete. Could they be any more perfect for each other? They walked a few yards away from the rest of the group before Theresa turned to Haley expectantly. "So, uh, Nathan told me that you were a little jealous of how much time we spent together so I just wanted to clarify that we are just friends. Nathan and I are close but I'd never come between you two." Theresa laughed.

"Oh of course not! I'm not jealous of you, I know he'd never pick you over me. He's not stupid and he certainly isn't blind." Ouch. Haley knew Theresa was aware of her beauty, she definitely flaunted it, but she still didn't expect that. "I just think it's really pathetic that you hang around even though he's clearly not interested. It's so obvious you like him. Don't you think it's time to move on?"

With that Theresa walked away, leaving Haley dumbfounded. How do you tell your best friend that his girlfriend is an absolute bitch? She had come to talk to Theresa out of respect for her and Nathan's relationship and this girl had the NERVE to treat her like some kind of second class citizen. And to insinuate once again that she had feelings for Nathan. It was absolutely ridiculous…right?

Present time

Haley stared at Theresa for a second, both of their faces showing nothing but disgust and bitterness, before looking back at Nathan. "No thanks. Sorry Nate but I think I'm going to go home." Nate. She hated that nickname. Nathan had begged her not to call him Roy at parties because he didn't want everyone to know his middle name and she respected that so that he wouldn't call her Bobby. Nate though? That's what everyone here called him and it just seemed so wrong when she said it.

She jumped up off the beanbag chair she'd been sitting on and swiftly exited the house. She felt like she was suffocating. Like her brain cells were actually dying from being in there. She felt lost. She didn't belong with these people. How had Nathan and Lucas talked her into this?

"Haley, wait!" She heard Nathan yell from behind her and she slowed to a stop on the sidewalk as he jogged to catch up with her. "What's wrong? Did I do something?"

Haley could see the guilt and fear etched on his pale features. There was also a trace of concern. It hadn't taken long in their friendship for Nathan to start being very protective of Haley and worrying a lot about her. He knew that she felt a tremendous amount of pressure to be perfect, to do well in school and get into Harvard like her dad always said she would. He knew that she'd much rather go to Duke but feared disappointing anyone. He knew that she felt extremely uncomfortable with new people but tried her best to put herself out there to ease her mom's worries. He knew he so well so quickly because he cared and listened. Because there was so much more to him than basketball or Dan or cheerleaders. She knew he'd beat himself up over this even when she reassured him it wasn't him fault.

"No, of course not. Nathan, you didn't do anything wrong, please believe that. This just isn't my crowd. I guess I just can't get into the party scene." She put a comforting hand on his shoulder and watched the guilt fade into a soft smile.

"Okay, good. I'm going to go get Lucas and we'll walk you home together. I know it's not that late but…I'll be right back." Nathan smiled at her once more before jogging back into the house. She laughed, between him and Lucas no guy would ever be able to approach her. It was only 7:30, it wasn't even dark yet, they had been at Theresa's for less than an hour but of course they BOTH had to walk her home.

…

"Mom, Dad, I'm home!" Haley called as she swung the front door closed.

"Haley, where were you?" Her dad asked, not breaking his concentrated stare at his computer. She'd walked into the kitchen to see him looking over stock projections and money saving plans like he always did. For financially stable people, her parents spent a lot of time worrying about money.

"I went to a party with Lucas and Nathan, Dad. I asked Mom, she said it was okay." Haley knew her mother was more excited about her getting out there socially and was wondering when she was.

"Oh, it is okay. It's just not what's best for you. Harvard students study hard, they build a flawless application, one that doesn't include getting drunk at parties starting in middle school." Jimmy finally turned to look at his young daughter. He didn't look angry but she still felt…like a letdown.

"I wasn't drinking. I'm thirteen and I'm more responsible than that, I know I'm too young." Haley sighed. Stupid Taylor, her parents would trust her more if their last child hadn't been the absolute worst at following rules since the day she was born.

"Hey, I didn't mean to upset you. You're my baby girl. I just want what's best for you, you know that." He pulled her into a quick hug.

"I know," She said with a weak smile before quickly heading to her room. She closed the door and slid down to the floor, the tears she had felt building up in her eyes finally falling down her face. She didn't know how he did it. It was never blatantly rude, it never seemed to have bad intentions, but it always left her feeling like a waste. A failure. She was supposed to be better than this. She was supposed to be the kid her parents brag about.

She considered calling Nathan. She wanted to talk to him, to have him build her up like she was the best person in the world, but she didn't want to be a bother. She couldn't just call him all the time sad, he wouldn't want to be friends with someone like that. He took everything in his life impressively well. He never let any of it in. She couldn't do that, they both knew it and she knew he worried about her all the time. She didn't want to bring him down.

She got up and paced her room, endlessly fidgeting with her hands, trying to think of some way to feel like she had control in her life. She felt like she was spiraling, like she was doing everything for someone other than herself. She couldn't remember what it felt like to imagine to future and feel filled with hope and potential. Everyone expected her to be perfect and she knew she couldn't do it.

Finally, she looked into her vanity mirror. She knew what she was going to do. You're not perfect, Haley James, and that's just the way it is. She tearfully and weakly smiled at her reflection before quickly getting ready and going to bed.

…

"Hales? Open up, are you in here? Bobby, come on!" Haley woke up to knocking on her door. Why on earth was Nathan outside her door at…oh, it was 9:30. She doesn't usually sleep this late. Rubbing the sleep from her eyes, she got up and opened the door.

"Dude, why are you here?" She sighed, eyes still only half open.

"Wow, aren't you just a ray of sunshine this morning." Nathan replied sarcastically. He looked at Haley. Her hair was a mess, she looked groggy and had a pillow mark on her face. "Oh, I'm sorry. Your mom said you would be up, I didn't mean to wake you." For the first time she noticed that he looked nervous and on edge. A blush was present on his face and she could tell her felt awkward about being there.

"No, it's okay. You know you're always welcome. What's going on?" Haley smiled gently and grabbed Nathan's arm guiding him over to sit on her bed. She looked at him with her sweet 'no-judgement-zone' face she always did when she wanted Nathan to open up and express his feelings.

"I'm really sorry, Hales. I'm sorry that I put you in situations that you didn't like or feel comfortable in and I'm sorry that I'm a bad influence. I'm not a good person, I've done a lot of things I feel bad about and…I'm just sorry." Haley wanted to cry as she listened to him. He sounded so ashamed and guilty. Did he really think he was a bad person? He was the best person she knew. Yeah, he made some choices that she personally wouldn't make but he wasn't any less of a person because of it.

"Nathan, please, I told you not to blame yourself. You always do this, you take on everything as your fault. You didn't do anything wrong, I'm just not a party person. That doesn't mean you're bad because you are nor does it make us any less of friends. We can have different interests." Haley reassured.

"So, you're not mad at me?" Nathan instantly looked relieved. He seemed like his normal confident self. The side of him that no one got to see past except Haley. She loved that he was so sure of himself. He never thought twice about what anyone else would think. If only, Haley thought.

"Of course not, why did you think that?" Haley questioned, puzzled.

"Well you didn't call me when you got inside last night like you usually do." Haley thought back on the night before. Her idea resurfaced in her mind and for a second she almost smiled but then she remembered her conversation with her dad. This wasn't a positive situation. On some level deep down she knew that she should tell Nathan. He'd think she was crazy and maybe she was but he couldn't know.

"I was just tired, that's all." She smiled.

"Alright. Well, I was gonna go to Karen's to meet Lucas. Wanna come and get some breakfast and hang out at the river court with us?" Nathan proposed. It was almost second nature for Haley to say yes. She opened her mouth to respond but as the words were about to come out she heard a voice in the bad of her mind. No, Haley. Don't do this. You won't be off to a very good start. You know better, come on.

"No, thanks. I have a lot of studying to do." She replied.

"You're such a nerd, you know that right? Who studies on a Saturday morning?" Nathan teased playfully.

"People with grades higher than Cs." She fired back.

"That hurt, Bobby." She knew that it didn't. She laughed and so did Nathan. For a moment, the struggles in each of their lives left their minds. That was the kind of relationship they had, they created an escape from reality and pain for each other. "I don't wanna go." Nathan stated after a minute.

"Yes, you do and you know it. You and Lucas play for fun and you need that." Haley sighed. She could see his reluctance to play basketball growing by the day which was upsetting because he lit up when he played without pressure and he was so talented. "Go, have fun with your new friend, by the way I told you that you guys would get along, and know that you made the right decision because if you stay I will make you study."

"Okay, okay, I can tell when I'm not wanted," Nathan laughed. "Don't work too hard, come by if you get bored and need a break." He stood up and started walking out of her room. Haley was definitely the ore affectionate of the two by a mile so it was surprising that he would just get up to leave and she'd jump up to hug him. It was however surprising when he flinched away from her. He never did that.

"Roy, are you o-"

"I'm fine, Haley. See you later." He turned down the hallway and walked swiftly towards her front door. Haley. No nickname.

Haley flopped back on her bed, the cold and emptiness returning. An unfamiliar dread of everyday life filled her and her eyes welled up again. Don't cry, Haley. You have nothing to cry over. Get up and study, the Harvard admissions office is waiting.

Nathan walked down Haley's driveway lost in thought. Or in lack of thought. His mind was a black hole, nothing else could get his attention but at the same time his mind was blank. He took a deep breath. You're better than this, Scott. Haley doesn't have to know.

Nathan doesn't have to know.