It was late when the meeting at Wayne Enterprises finished, so late that Bruce soon found himself in bumper to bumper Gotham City traffic, with only fifteen minutes remaining until Damian's art show at school started. He cursed under his breath and slammed the steering wheel. Alfred was home at the Manor, preparing snacks and desserts for the after-art show celebration. Bruce cursed again at the thought of leaving Damian alone all by himself as all the other parents showed up. If only he could drive through the streets like he did every night, when he took the bat-mobile out.
Bruce picked up his phone and called Dick, grimacing as he accidentally cut an angry driver off.
"Hey, Bruce," Dick answered. "Are you on your way? Little D's art show is just about-"
"I'm stuck in traffic," Bruce grunted. "Can you cover for me until I arrive?"
"Sure," Dick said, "I'll see what I can do."
"Thanks," Bruce said, and ended the call, feeling a surge of guilt at not being there yet again for his youngest son, and leaving his oldest to take care of things. He drifted, losing concentration on the road as he hung up his phone and dropped it onto the seat. Bruce's car swerved onto the sidewalk, almost hitting a pedestrian who fortunately jumped out of the way. Bruce felt even more guilt at almost killing someone, but he really did need to get the Damian's school on time. He focused on the packed road, trying to figure out the best route to take.
After ten more minutes of cutting angry drivers off in sluggishly moving traffic, Bruce spotted a sideroad up ahead. It was a shortcut he'd used many times before as Batman, and could potentially save him a few minutes. He turned without thinking, only noticing after he'd turned that the street was marked "one-way". Bruce pressed down hard on the gas pedal, deciding that it would likely be safer to get through the street as fast as possible. Unfortunately, when he was almost through the entire street, going 100mph, a pickup truck turned into the street, going the correct way.
He slammed on the brakes and twisted the steering wheel to one side, but it was too late. His car slammed into the truck with a screech of burning rubber and crunching metal.
Bruce hung his head in shame as he looked at the smoldering twisted mess that used to be his car. He had certainly missed Damian's art show at this point, he was just grateful he hadn't injured anyone (aside from himself, and he was used to far worse than whiplash and a few bruises on his leg).
Bruce offered to pay for all damages, which the responding officer unfortunately took the wrong way, and he sneered at Bruce as he wrote down a long list of violations.
"We had a call into the safe driving tipline," the officer said as he continued writing Bruce's fifth ticket. "Someone reported you as almost hitting a pedestrian, talking on the phone, and cutting multiple drivers off. Based on your driving here, I'm going to assume those things all happened."
Bruce winced, but didn't say anything.
Finally, the officer handed Bruce a thick stack of eight tickets. "You're lucky you didn't kill someone today, buddy. I'm going to recommend that the judge suspend your license."
"I, uh, I was trying to get to my son's art show in time," Bruce said. It wasn't really an excuse, but he felt the need to explain that he usually didn't do this, that he was a careful driver (aside from Batmobile driving).
The officer did not look impressed. "Leave early next time," he said.
Bruce hadn't exactly been arrested, just 'given a ride' to the courthouse, and the judge saw him almost instantly, and promptly suspended his license.
"Mr Wayne, you broke almost every traffic law in less than one hour," the judge informed him. "Therefore, I am suspending your license, effective immediately. However, there is a defensive driving course this weekend, put on by the GCPD. If you take the class, and show that you've learned your lesson, I might be convinced to reinstate your license."
Bruce nodded, and thanked the judge for her time.
Then he walked slowly home, since his phone had been destroyed in the crash, and he had no way to contact Alfred.
Bruce groaned as he looked at the calendar. The Defensive Driving class just so happened to take place on the same Saturday as an important Justice League meeting. Maybe Dick would cover for him. Bruce decided to be intentionally vague on purpose, no need to let the rest of his family in on his accident. The mildly disappointed judging look Alfred had given him when picking Bruce up from the police station had been bad enough. As had the "I see you've managed not to kill any bystanders with your driving at least, Master Bruce," remark.
So it was with a mostly clean conscious that Bruce informed Dick that he needed Nightwing to cover for him this Saturday for work-related reasons. Because obviously getting into a wreck that was a result of working too late was work-related,
"Sorry Bruce, I have a volunteer activity that day," Dick said. "It's too late to cancel now."
He could feel Damian boring holes in him from across the room. "Father, you seem to be spending an unprecedented amount of time at Wayne Enterprises lately. Perhaps you could have one of your many underlings take over your responsibilities for the day?"
Bruce sighed. He still felt guilty about missing Damian's art show. (And even guiltier that his absence hadn't seemed to affect his son very much, with Dick covering for Bruce yet again.) And not for the first time he wished he would have driven a little more carefully. "Sorry, it's a …very specific commitment I can't get out of, I need to be there in person," he said.
"Very well," Damian said, puffing out his chest. "In that case, I will take over your Justice League duties this Saturday. After all, it is my birthright, and they should become accustomed to dealing with me."
Bruce sighed and facepalmed, and Dick let out a snort of laughter before quickly covering it up with a cough.
"Don't worry about the Justice League meeting, Bruce," Dick said. "I'll ask Alfred for advice, and we'll find someone to cover for you."
Bruce nodded and left the room, unable to shake the feeling that he was making a terrible mistake.
Damian scowled at Dick's words. "There is no need to search for someone to cover for Batman if I am available, Grayson."
Bruce didn't stay around to listen to the rest of the discussion.
Bruce fully intended to cut Friday night's patrol short in order to be well-rested right before his class, but unfortunately both the Joker and Two-Face decided to cause more mayhem than usual that night with colorful exploding water balloons at the docks, and it was after 5 am by the time a soaking wet Bruce dragged himself back to the Batcave. At this point, it was useless to try and sleep, and his only option was to drink enough coffee to make Tim proud, and try not to fall asleep in his 8am driving class. The class lasted all day until 6pm, with a one-hour lunch break in the middle, and a test at the end that ominously "took as long as needed to finish."
Bruce heavily lowered himself into his assigned seat at the community center, hoping he could get away with napping a little during the class. Surely it would be an easy class? How many ways were there to tell people "don't road-rage"? Hopefully he could just nod and drift through the lectures, then pass the test at the end.
"Hey, I know you, you're Bruce Wayne," Harley said as she plunked herself into the seat next to Bruce. "Funny we ended up in the same class, huh? Well, probably not really, since I end up taking it every year, more often even, probably about five or ten times a year; I took one just last week, but don't worry, it's always a lot of fun! Pammy is even guest teaching today."
Bruce ran a hand over his face and smiled politely at Harley. "Yes, what a coincidence," he said, while wondering if he would ever manage to have any good luck today.
Apparently, the universe had decided that the answer to that question was definitely "No", as Jason slumped into a chair across the room. Bruce tried resolutely not looking at him, but could still feel the moment that Jason caught sight of him and started staring. Maybe he could blackmail Jason into silence later. Hopefully he was as embarrassed being here as Bruce was, and wouldn't say anything. Bruce also recognized a few of Two-Face's and Penguin's henchmen in the front two rows, but fortunately none of them recognized him.
Their instructor was a tiny energetic woman named Ms. Pym. She instantly started interviewing the class on how many hours of sleep they'd had the night before.
"None," Bruce said when it was his turn, too embarrassed to lie.
Ms Pym did a double take, then wasted no time in turning to lecture the class. "Now this is an example of what I was talking about when I said both you and your vehicle have to be in good working order. How do you think your reaction time will be affected if you get no sleep?"
Harley leaped out of her chair and raised her hand. "OOH! OOH! I know this one!" she shouted.
Jason also obnoxiously raised his hand, catching Bruce's eye.
"Now, Harley, let's let the new students have a chance to answer first," Ms Pym said, pointing to Jason.
Jason straightened up in his chair, cleared his throat, and seemed to smirk at Bruce. "If I was irresponsible enough to drive with getting no sleep, my reaction time would probably be delayed."
"Exactly," Ms Pym said and beamed at Jason. "Taking care of yourself is a very important part of defensive driving. Having your reaction time delayed by just a few seconds could have deadly consequences."
"I, uh, I drank a lot of coffee," Bruce offered.
Ms Pym sighed. "Obviously this class is going to be a judgement free zone, so everyone can focus on learning, but caffeine is not an appropriate substitute for lack of sleep. Can anyone explain why?"
Bruce felt his face heat up and slumped lower in his seat.
"OOH! OOH! I know this one!" Harley shouted, standing on her chair and waving her arms.
"Yes, Harley?" Ms. Pym said after none of the other students ventured a guess.
"It'll just make you pee all day, and when it wears off, you'll still be tired!" Harley said, sitting down, obviously pleased with herself.
"Mostly the second point, but thank you, Harley," Ms. Pym said.
Bruce did his best to stay awake and pay attention as Ms. Pym turned the topic to tire inflation, tire wear, and stopping time, fully aware he would be used as exhibit #1 of why caffeine was not a useful substitute for sleep if he nodded off.
Despite his best efforts, Bruce found that he had nodded off for a few seconds during the discussion on blind spots in cars and trucks, and how be aware of times that the other driver likely could not see you. He jerked himself quickly awake, but saw a knowing smirk on Ms. Pym's face. It was then that Bruce resigned himself to the fact that he'd likely be the worst student in her history of teaching, and would likely feature in all future examples of irresponsible behavior.
Poison Ivy was their first guest lecturer, and she started ranting on why fast driving and hard braking was terrible for the environment and dangerous to all (and obviously bikes were more environmentally friendly, but if they insisted on driving cars, they should drive slowly and carefully, avoiding accidents).
"Aww, Pammy, but that's no fun, I like driving fast," Harley said. "You have to drive at least as fast as the cars around you to be safer. What if you've got a guy tailgating you? Then you have to go faster."
"Actually, you shouldn't increase your speed if another car is tailgating you," Ms. Pym interjected. "They will likely pass you, and if they do cause an accident, it's always safer to have a crash at a lower speed than a higher speed."
Jason snorted and folded his arms. "What if they are chasing you for road rage reasons and are armed? Wouldn't it be safer to speed up then?"
Ms. Pym gave him a quick smile. "That's a little outside the scope of this class, and I'm sure the students here will rarely ever be in such a position."
"It happened to me just last week!" Harley shouted.
"In that case you would pull over and call the authorities, but let's focus on events that you have more control over," Ms. Pym continued evenly, thought she seemed slightly flustered. "Besides, maybe you could ask our next guest lecturer who so generously agreed to be here. He's a former police officer-"
Bruce sat up straight in his seat and wondered if his day was about to get even worse. Surely Dick hadn't volunteered here? Out of the corner of his eye he noticed Jason scowl, likely making the same connection Bruce had.
"-so allow me to introduce our next guest lecturer, Officer Grayson!"
Bruce facepalmed. Today was definitely not his day.
To his credit Dick only faltered for a few seconds when he caught sight of Bruce and Jason in the audience, eyes widening, and mouth dropping, but he covered it up quick enough that no one had likely noticed. No one except Bruce and Jason. Jason sneered back, as if daring Dick to make a comment, and Bruce slumped back further into his chair, finally resigned to being teased about this moment by all of his children for the rest of his life.
Then Dick started on his lesson on hazardous driving conditions, including a short section on tips for being caught in a villain themed traffic jam (which was likely only a part of the course in Gotham).
"But it's boring to just sit around in a classroom and listen to a lecture all day," Dick said after a short while, "So we have a hands on demonstration for you, we've iced up a section in the parking lot, and you'll all get to take a turn driving and stopping on it with me or one of the instructors in your car."
Bruce was not surprised at all when he ended up in a car with Jason in the passenger seat, and Dick in the back, giving instructions. It was just that kind of day.
"So, this was your big work event, huh?" Dick asked after reading off the fact sheet on driving in icy conditions.
"I don't want to talk about it," Bruce growled.
"That's rich," Jason said folding his arms. "You'd probably be fine with me being interrogated all day by Dick over why I'm here, but you give yourself a free pass all the time."
"Jason, now isn't the time," Bruce said, feeling a tension headache coming on.
"Yeah, Bruce needs to focus on the road," Dick said, and with the level of amusement in his voice, Bruce knew that dealing with him later would be impossible. "Your instructor already took me aside and pointed you out as the problem student who doesn't sleep."
Jason started laughing as Bruce grumbled and started the car. "I can drive just fine on limited sleep," he growled, hitting the gas harder than he meant to, and taking off fast enough that Jason started clutching the seat and muttering about not looking forward to dying a second time. Bruce stomped on the brake to slow down, but unfortunately, they'd already hit the ice patch, and the car went skidding into a nearby ditch.
"Well, at least we're all alive," Dick said as they crawled out of the car and up out of the muddy ditch.
"It doesn't handle as well as my other car," Bruce said, trying to explain his failure away. He sighed as he felt his socks squelch inside his shoes, resigned to having wet muddy feet for the rest of the day.
On the other side of the parking lot, Ms. Pym was animatedly talking to the rest of the class and pointing in Bruce's general direction; he'd now likely been immortalized as the pinnacle of failure and terrible driving in her mind.
"No car handles as well as your other car, Bruce," Dick said with a smirk. "But you should be able to drive a regular car safely. Maybe you do need to take this course. At least for civilian identity safety." Dick paused to scrape some mud off the sides of his shoes. "Hey, at least no one will ever guess that Bruce Wayne, worst student at a defensive driving class is Batman."
Jason snorted, and Bruce sighed again. At least there was that small silver lining.
Ms. Pym worriedly made certain they were okay, then began giving Bruce an epic lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation, delayed reaction times, and fast driving.
"By the way, who ended up covering for me at the Justice League meeting?" Bruce asked Dick during the lunch break.
"Alfred and I both decided it was a good learning experience for little D to cover for you. Don't worry, we made sure to go over important talking points with him," Dick said.
Jason started laughing uncontrollably.
Bruce sighed, and finished his soggy sandwich, trying not to wonder if the day could get any worse.
When Bruce walked to the front of the class after taking the test at the end of an impossibly long day, Ms. Pym just shook her head sadly at him. "Mr. Wayne, although you technically passed the written portion of the course, I cannot in good conscience give you a certificate for taking the course. I hope you've learned a few things, and will do better next time, and that you will drive safer in the future."
Bruce just nodded and turned away from her, hurrying out into the hall.
"Isn't is fun though?" Harley said as she came up behind him and slapped him on the back. "You get to retake the entire class next week if you fail! I'll be there too!"
Bruce made a strangled sobbing noise and finally allowed himself to wonder if his life could get any worse.