This was...the most painful chapter I've ever written. To be entirely honest I could even read it back to edit it. This chapter, along with part of the next, is rock bottom for both Nathan and Haley. MAJOR trigger warning for depression, eating disorders, abuse and self harm. Yeah, it's a lot. I promise it isn't this dark for long. If those things are too much for you and you don't think it's a good thing for you to read then check back at the next chapter and I'll be sure to include a non-triggering summary of any essential information. I do want to mention that this story will get a lot more light-hearted and eventually romantic even after this section. Fianlly, someone PMed me asking if I felt comfortable saying which character was me. I gave to storylines to whoever I thought they fit better for but for the most part Haley is more me. Thanks so much for reading my little rant and I hope you enjoy the update! Disclaimer: I don't own One Tree Hill.

It was summer now. The first official day of no more school stress. It was a relief. Haley hadn't seen Nathan since the previous weekend when she had helped him study for his finals. He was a smart kid, he really was, he just didn't apply himself. He was the absolute most frustrating person to help though because he had a .2 second attention span and felt the constant need to remind you how pointless he thought the material was. She'd been ready for a break from him by the end of the weekend. That however was six days ago and she missed her friend.

Haley sat up in her bed. Woah. She was really dizzy. It was going on three weeks since she decided that if she gave herself an eating disorder she wouldn't feel the need to be perfect anymore because she'd already know she wasn't. It was getting easy now, skipping meals. In fact, she was disgusted by the idea of most foods. She closed her eyes for a minute to make the spinning stop before getting up and grabbing the phone off her desk. She dialed Nathan's cell number, she knew his house phone number but was horrified of the idea of Dan answering. Ring, ring, ring.

"Hey, it's Nathan. I'm busy right now. Leave a message if you want." She sighed when she heard that. His voicemail. She put the phone down and laid back on her bed. There wasn't really anything she felt like doing anyway. Her parents were going to be leaving on their anniversary trip soon so they'd probably want her to spend time with them. They said they were going on a 15 day trip this year because it was the last year before the person they'd have to leave in charge was Taylor and that wasn't ever going to happen.

She could go back to sleep. Maybe then she'd miss breakfast. No…no way she'd be able to sleep long enough to get out of eating. She could say she was going to Karen's and that she'd get food there. Then when she got there she'd just say she'd already eaten! It was perfect! She got up again, ignoring her intense headache, and threw on a baggy shirt and a pair of shorts. She pulled her thin hair into a high ponytail before running downstairs.

"Hey, mom. I was wondering if I could go to Karen's for breakfast and to meet up with Lucas." She put a bright smile on her face as she skipped into the kitchen.

Lydia James looked up at her youngest daughter. She looked tired and a little pale but Lydia knew these past few weeks had been hard on Haley. She held herself to such high standards and worked herself to the ground. All of her teachers must think Lydia was the most brutal parent seeing as her child cried over any grade below a 93. She considered telling her to stay home and rest but there was a slight hint of something else behind the sleep in her eyes. Hope. She could tell Haley really wanted to hear yes. So she said it and Haley's thank you echoed through the house as she practically raced out the front door.

….

Nathan yawned and looked over at the clock as he opened his eyes. 1 pm. Dan had woken him up at 5 to go on a run and work out. As soon as Dan had left for work, Nathan had laid back down and gone back to sleep. He was physically exhausted. His dad said that since he had joined the JV team this year he had to be on varsity next year and that varsity players weren't so scrawny.

He truly did want to make it. He just wasn't sure he could last through the whole summer of Dan Scott style conditioning. All his muscles were throbbing plus he had a horribly swollen black eye from when Dan hit him with a ball. He could barely see out of it. Most of all, Nathan missed Haley. He had other friends, sure, but they just weren't as genuine as Haley or even Lucas. He couldn't let them see him like this though. They'd know something was up, they'd ask too many questions and worry too much. He could handle this by himself.

Just then Nathan got a text. He reached over to his nightstand and grabbed his phone. The message was from Theresa. She got invited to a high school party since she was going to be a freshman next year and wanted him to come. He replied saying that he would before finally rolling out of bed. At least now he had something to do today other than train.

….

"Nate, you want to hit it or what?" Kyle, a sophomore, called, trying to get the younger boy's attention. Nathan's head snapped as Kyle's voice finally carried through the fog surrounding his mind.

"Huh?" He looked and saw a blunt being offered to him. Nathan wasn't going to lie, this party was more intense than he had expected, he'd already had quite a bit of alcohol but it was kind of dulling the pain. Screw it. He decided, slowly reaching out to take it.

"I don't know, kid. Maybe you're too wasted for this." Kyle started to pull away. They'd all been joking about Nathan being a newbie all night but Kyle was honestly worried about if Nathan knew his limits.

"I can handle it." Nathan glared slightly. "It's just a little weed." He took the blunt rather forcefully and inhaled it deeply. Oh, can't wait to hear what Dan has to say about this. Wreck your body, why don't you? You fucking idiot. Haley would be so disappointed. The voice in his head scolded. He brushed it off quickly, knowing that soon he'd be too out of it to even understand the voice.

The night went on and the more and more drinking games played the worse and worse Nathan got at beer pong. At first he was beating everyone, now he couldn't even tell you how many cups he was looking at. Theresa was also having a really good time. She was pretty drunk but nothing that even compared to Nathan. She walked over, pulling him away from the table he was heavily leaning on and towards the couch.

"Are you glad you came with me?" She whispered in his ear.

"Absolutely. God, you're so fucking hot, Theresa." Nathan slurred. Theresa flushed slightly, acting as though he was embarrassing her though it was obvious she agreed.

"Then shut up and kiss me." He obeyed without a second thought. Instantly pulling her into a heated make out before pushing her into a laying position on the couch and getting on top of her.

"Woah…" Clara, the host of the party, exclaimed, walking into the living room where the two of them were. "Theresa, if you want to get to 2nd base with your boy, you can go to one of the guest rooms." The older girl laughed.

"Do you want to?" Nathan asked, his voice heavy with lust, his eyes darkening as they met hers.

"Of course." They stumbled quickly up the stairs, pushing into one of the rooms. "Has anyone ever done this for you before?" Theresa asked flirtatiously. Nathan shook his head, slightly embarrassed. He knew he was young and wasn't supposed to have much experience yet but it was still awkward to admit to his girlfriend. "It's okay. I know what I'm doing."

…..

She took a deep breath but it couldn't stop the inevitable. The tears started pouring out in choked sobs. Why did you do that? You ugly bitch you ruined everything, I hope it was worth it. The eating disorder yelled. Haley didn't understand how this had happened. She thought she was in control. She thought this was her choice but now…she just didn't know how to avoid it. She had to eat the brownie, it was her favorite, her family would know something was up if she refused it. It felt like a rock sitting in her stomach. She probably ruined all her progress in just those 5 bites. 5 bites. She paced her room, shaking, trying to figure out what she could possibly do that would make it feel better.

Her family had gone to bed hours ago but not Haley. She couldn't stop thinking about it. The calories. It was so excessive. She deserved some sort of punishment. There had to be something to prevent this from happening again. She ran into the bathroom, still shaking, and grabbed a razor. Okay, Haley. This is going to hurt but if you're smart then you'll never have to do this again. The cold metal touched her skin and felt a rush of pain with the silent tears that rolled down her cheeks. She bit her lip as she did four more marks. One for every bite.

Shit. Shit, shit, shit, how was she supposed to hide this? She cleaned her forearm up before putting a large bandage over it. She felt…relieved. But also like a failure. She needed to talk to someone. Her first thought was to call Lucas, they'd always been able to talk to each other about anything, but he wouldn't understand. He'd try to push her to do something she wasn't ready for, he'd tell someone. Nathan. He was a great friend, he'd care, but he was also so used to bottling up feelings it probably wouldn't even cross his mind to share someone else's.

"Hey, it's Nathan. I'm busy right now. Leave a message if you want." Again? God, she was getting so tired of the sound of his voicemail. Was he avoiding her or something? This time she decided to leave a message, maybe he wasn't getting back to her because it didn't seem like she had anything to talk about.

"Hey, Nathan. It's Haley…again. I just, uh, I could use a friend right now and we haven't talked in a while. I miss you. Call me back when you can, okay?" She recorded, trying her best to hide the sadness in her voice. She looked at the clock, 11:30 pm, it was getting really late anyways. She should just go to bed. She brushed her teeth and put on a pair of sweats before climbing into her bed.

The next morning, she woke up bright and early. It was 7 am. Quinn was gone driving her parents to the airport. Taylor was who knows where with who knows what guy. She was all alone. In the worst of ways, she found comfort in that. There was no one to fake a smile for. No one to hide the pain from. She was alone. And maybe this was the way it needed to be. Her best friend would understand for. The person she'd thought was her other best friend didn't seem to care about her at all seeing as he still hadn't gotten back to her. Today there was no reason to get out of bed, so she didn't. The emptiness took over and she did nothing to stop it.

…

Nathan rubbed his eyes as he woke up. He was still in the guest room of Clara's house. His head was pounding, he didn't ever want to get out of bed. The sudden wave of nausea hit him hard and he quickly changed his mind about the staying in bed idea, sprinting to the bathroom. He threw up hard into the toilet until he felt a tap on his shoulder. "I knew you went a little too hard, rookie." Clara smiled, handing him a water bottle and Advil.

"Thanks," Nathan muttered weakly, graciously accepting the medicine. He took it before standing to rinse his mouth out. He stood in front of the mirror. He looked horrible, his dad would definitely be able to tell. HIS DAD. He'd been out all night. He'd missed his morning run with his dad. He was so screwed.

"You should get back in bed and sleep it off. You should feel better in a little while." It took a minute for Nathan to realize he was being spoken to. The panic was setting in. There was no way to know what would happen when he got home but he could bet it was going to be far from good.

"No…I-I can't. I have to get home." He pushed past Clara, going back into the bedroom to grab his phone before running out of the house and in the direction of home. While he was on his way, he checked his phone. 12 missed calls from Dan. He wasn't sure he wanted to hear the messages. 3 missed calls from Haley? I'm sorry, Hales. Please don't feel bad, you didn't do anything. I'm just not good for you right now. He thought, mentally willing the message to Haley.

She was the best person he'd ever met. Kind. Selfless. Brave. Smart. Empathetic. But that last one was the problem. She put everything on herself. Extreme amounts of pressure, everyone else's problems, the weight of the world. He couldn't live with himself if he dragged her down with him. I don't want to do this, Haley. I know you could save me. But I'm doing this for you. With that he deleted her calls and message from his phone and walked into his house. Nothing could have prepared him for the pain he felt once he was inside but he took it. This was his fight. And it would stay that way.