Get Out Me Swamp Part 1: Shrek vs Dumbledore, a Harry Potter + Shrek Crossover fanfic

A/N:

Good day, and welcome to our newly-constructed, soon-to-be series of stories revolving around the hit franchises: Shrek and Harry Potter. In case you're now wondering why we have decided to pursue this route, perhaps it would be better to leave it at how we qualify as the "overworked, sleep-deprived, coffee-addicted college kids actively attempting to cope with the pandemic and school" category, as I am sure college students everywhere can currently relate to.

Now, thus being said, I would like to warmly welcome you, dear friend, to our story! 'Get Out Me Swamp (Part I: Shrek vs. Dumbledore)' is an intense tale with quite the plot twist ending, including themes of romance, deceit, betrayal, and slight violence. Consider yourself thoroughly warned, as an epic tale is about to unfold- if you don't consider yourself ready for such a truly-engaging story, I advise you turn back now. As we say in the swamp, either yeet or be yeeted.

Thank you, we hope you enjoy our story! Onwards!

S&N

(Unfortunately we have no L. Nor are we affiliated with SNL, though low-key that would be pretty cool lmao)

As Albus Dumbledore walked up a once familiar road, he stopped to look at the warn-down flowers on the window box of a neighboring house. How familiar it did seem to stir up such sour memories. There stood an old, dilapidated shack with a snake nailed across the front door. The Riddle boy- now the darkest bad wizard there ever was (or so he thought, for the time being.) This was his house, or what was left of it. But this is not what he came here for, oh no, instead he continued down the windy pathway into the swamp. He suspected he would find something there- a Horcrux, perhaps- but as he approached, the scent became stronger and stronger. It was not the scent of a Horcrux, but of… onions? Dumbledore approached the run-down, old, falling apart shack. But as he got closer and closer, the only sound he heard was the booming noise echoing from inside yelling "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY SWAMP?!"

Dumbledore jumped back, alarmed, and drew his wand. "Who are you? I come in peace! Are you... a Horcrux?"

"A what-now? GET OUT ME SWAMP!" The voice echoed back.

The door swung open to reveal a giant, green ogre. He roared out once more.

"Oh my goodness, it's an ogre! Like the prophecy!" Dumblewhore thought. He instantly knew what needed to be done. He had to take the swamp. It was his destiny.

"Please! Just let me explain and I'll be on my way, out of your swamp, forever," Dumbledore blatantly, yet convincingly lied. "I'll only take but a few moments of your time. I promise."

"Hmm.. forever? Well… best be on your way. " The ogre slams the door in his face.

Dumbledore had no choice. Wand in hand, he gave a hardy "BOMBARDA MAXIMA!" and blew the door to smithereens.

"MY SWAMP!" The ogre roared. "WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY SWAMP?!"

"I'm sorry but you left me no choice. I came to talk, and that's exactly what I intend to do. I'll only repair it if you listen."

The ogre was at a loss for what to do, so he sat down and scratched his head. Dumbledore took this as an act of compliance and continued.

" My name is Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, headmaster of Hogwarts: the finest school of witchcraft and wizardry there ever was. Our world is in danger from the darkest dark wizard there ever was, he's threatening the safety of our world. He created a series of Horcruxes, and my usually- right intuition is telling me there's one located in your swamp." He finished.

"I'm Shrek." The ogre stated, still at a loss for what to do.

Suddenly Dumbledore's wand started vibrating. He was receiving a wand call. "vrrmm..ermmh..I'm in Shrek's swamp," he answers. In the background, McGonnagal can hear, "GET OUT ME SWAMP!"

"Dumbledore, where are you? What are you doing?" McGonagall is utterly confused.

"I'm having a fashion emergency! I won't be back until later tonight, tata!"

"Okay, Albus," DumbleWhore hangs up his wand.

Shrek was confused. This man with the weird stick was in his swamp. He would not let this man stay. Perhaps he could eat him? No. That was immoral to do to a stranger. He couldn't, not yet. He had to braid his beard first.

Dumbledore was not willing to give up. He had told McGonagall that he had a fashion emergency and she had nodded along, like the ever-loyal subject that she was. But, for now, he needed to focus on this ogre. He needed this ogre to go along with his plan. He needed to defeat Tom Riddle.

"I do believe, dear ogre, that Tom Riddle has left a Horcrux in your swamp," Albus gently began as he faked his smile, loathing speaking with such a monster as this putrid ogre.

"in me swamp?! Not in me swamp. What's a Horcrux?" Shrek roared. But in his thoughts, he was thinking about Tom.

"A Horcrux is a part of the soul, dear Shrek" Albus whispered, twirling his beard as his eyes twinkled.

"Oh, like how an onion has layers" the ogre burped in Albus' face, and he was doused in the putrid smell of onions. "Better out than in, I always say," Shrek joked.

"I much prefer lemon drops myself...now, my dear boy," he started. Albus's twinkly eyes were beginning to lose their spark as the ogre cut him off.

"So a Horcrux is a lemon or an onion?"

Dumbledore had to fight off a glare. This ogre was getting on his last nerve.

Dumbledore knew that for the greater good, he must take Shrek's swamp. Ogres were semi-resistant to most spells, as their thick skin made for a decent shield.

"Dear ogre, I wish it didn't have to come to this. Unfortunately, you leave with no choice. Wingardium leviosa," Dumblewhore recites.

A very nice boulder whizzes by and yeets Shrek about ten feet away.

Shrek gets up. And oh boy, was he mad. And no one wants to see Shrek get angry- it was like a giant green onion exploding out of a fire that was too hot.

"NO. I don't know who you are Mr. Wizard-man-"

"-AlBus PeRCiVal WulFRiC BrIAn DumBLeDoRe, the finest headmaster in all of Hogwarts school of-" Dumbledore interrupted.

"WHATEVER! You're in MY swamp. MY. SWAMP. MINE! So, no more mister nice ogre! Somebody once told me... GET OUT ME SWAMP!" Shrek yeets Dumbledore into the swamp."Well, you're not in me swamp anymore."

The unofficial mud bath had Dumbledore looking like an actual fashion emergency. In all fairness, it was still ten times better than the pastel purple and neon green robes he was wearing.

Dumbledore coughed and wiped the muddy shit off of his face. That was it, Dumblewhore was done with this ogre.

The next thing he knew...

Shrek had been struck by the killing curse.

As Dumbledore looked down at Shrek's dying body he whispers menacingly, "Oh but that's where you're wrong, Shrek. It's MY swamp now." He laughed evilly.

As Dumbledore started to dance a little victory jig, he saw in the distance a Patronus arriving. The white, ghostly figure started to chant, "Bitch, I'm Bella Thorne. Bitch, I'm Bella Thorne." It was Severus Snape's Patronus! It must be urgent for Snape to risk the possibility of another person figuring out his love for Bella Thorne. The Patronus stopped chanting to relay its message. "Dumbledore, the castle is on fire," Snape's voice drawls, "I know that your...'fashion emergency' is..important...but you must return immediately."

Dumbledore thinks about how to respond to his dear boy, Snape. "Bella Thorne, please tell dear Snape that I am preoccupied. Taking...a mud bath? Yes, a mud bath! Now go!"

As Bella Thorne turned to go, she needed to add one last urgent detail. "Don't forget to subscribe to my onlyfans!" And disappeared into the misty, humid woods of the swamp.

Dumbledore made sure to remember that for later. For now, he must return to the matters of the swamp. HIS swamp. He walked inside. It was time to find the Horcrux.

Outside, Shrek lay weak and growing weaker on the cold, hard ground. He felt violated, having his swamp just taken from him like that- right out from underneath his overly-large feet.

The sky started to blur when suddenly, the swamp began to bubble. Dumblewhore was too preoccupied looking inside Shrek's house to notice the odd occurrence. Suddenly, a golden flash of light descended upon Shrek. As Shrek's eyes began to close, he noticed a golden onion appear in his hand. It was odd, yet somehow strangely comforting to Shrek- for some reason, it reminded him of someone long ago. Someone he had once cared about deeply, but who was- regrettably- no longer in his life. Could this be a sign? Is this what death felt like? The flash of light completely engulfed Shrek, leaving only the sight of the wizard Dumbledore rummaging through his somewhat-dilapidated swamp.

Shrek was convinced Dumbledore had succeeded in getting rid of him, that is- until he felt himself falling, golden onion in hand, onto some kind of wood- but strangely squishy- platform. He landed with a large thud, and all eyes were on him. As he stood- he realized he had landed on a person, hence the squishiness. Shrek was thoroughly confused.

It was silent for a few moments until he heard the beckoning voice on the microphone joyfully exclaiming, "Ladies and Gentlemen, it seems we have our tributes for the 75th annual Hunger Games!"