Olivia's POV

Life is tough.

It's tough to finally go sleep, only to wake up an hour later, cranky and more upset than before. It's tough to ignore seven emails, eleven calls and eighteen text messages from David Rosen. It's tough to pay seventy dollars for fancy room service - basically just coffee and French toast, only to find out you throw up at the sight of it and can't keep any down. It's tough to stand in front of this hotel bathroom mirror, expecting your fiancé to come by in less than half an hour with hickies on your neck.

I skim my fingers around the base of my neck, my collarbone and all the way up to my jawline, where the hickies lay. They hurt a bit if I press too hard on them. And even though I like how I got them, it's painful to think about Fitz, all alone in prison right now, getting beat up or worse. I shake my head. I don't want to think about it - not for a long time. Maybe that's selfish, but I don't care right now.

I squirt even more liquid concealer onto my fingertips and rub them on my neck. I'm so good at makeup - I did it for like, thirty girls for the high school prom. I did Abby's for her first wedding. Hell, I was planning to do my own for my wedding. I can perfect any look in five minutes - a smokey eye, a lazy day makeup, almost anything. So why, after standing her for thirty minutes, can't I cover up a couple of hickies? The concealer just isn't blending with the dark cream color of my skin. It makes me look like I have eczema on my neck.

Whatever. It'll have to do. I put on my dress - a dark purple, floral, strapless one and black wedges. After I straighten my hair, I go outside and sit on the balcony seat. The hotel is in an amazing location - in the heart of the city without it being too noisy. You can see the action, but it's also really beautiful and you can see the beach in the distance. LA is a truly fascinating city. California is a mesmerizing state. I could really see myself living here, in another life. Maybe when Jake and I settle down. Maybe.

I decided not to tell him about Fitz. I just can't. Not just because I know he would be hurt, but because he might go crazy and do something that would jeopardize Fitz. And I couldn't live with myself if that happened. I balance my phone on my thigh and it buzzes a little. I jump and realize that it's David calling - yet again. I sigh. I think I'll answer it this time - and not just because my voice mailbox is full.

"David. What is it?"

"You know very well what it is," David snaps into the phone. He sounds angry - I get that. But I don't know what to say that would make him feel better. "You really do this? Dump your cases onto the laps of others when they get a teensy bit hard?"

I close my eyes. "It's not a 'teensy' bit hard, David. Did you see that news segment on CNN an hour ago? They're treating him like he's already guilty -"

"And he's not!" David shouts into the other line. "You know he's not! Look, voir dire is in two days. Liv, you have to be there. Please."

"David..."

"We have to get him acquitted so double Jeopardy will stand!" David tells me this as if I don't already know. "He's an innocent man...you know he's innocent."

"I do," I roll my eyes. "Of course I know that, David! You don't think this is hard on me too? It's impossible. I know he's guilty and I can't do anything to help him."

"Yes you can!" David cries. In a way, he's right. But I'm too exhausted to even consider the possibility. I want to scream. Or cry. Or both. I hate feeling this way.

I shake my head. I feel my voice breaking. "Shut up, David. For once, just shut up. I tried. And now, I need a minute, okay? Just one fucking minute."

After I spit the words out, i tentatively rub the tears forming in my eyes without ruining my makeup. My mind flashes back to just a couple of days ago.

X

"Fitz," I begin, inhaling. "It'll be okay. You'll be okay - you'll be fine. David is gonna meet us in the courtroom, we'll ask for bail and that's that. Everything will be alright. And that is a promise."

"I know," he shakes his head, frustrated, as if I'm not understanding. "I know that, Ms. Pope. I trust you...I don't have a choice but to trust you. It's just that...the last time I was in the California Superior Court was to take promotional campaign pictures with the superior court justice three months ago. So you can see the painful irony. The tables have turned so far, you have to struggle to see where they were last time. It's not just hard - it's damn near impossible. So I get that I have to leave the safety of this car eventually. I get it, I do. But if I could just have a minute...just a minute where microphones aren't being pushed literally into my face and reporters aren't screaming so loud that I see God, I would really appreciate that. So can I have that? Just a minute?"

X

I know how he felt about just needing a minute now. I understand. Sometimes the road gets rough and life gets incredibly tough and you just need to get your perspective. And I don't quite have mine yet. "Look, David. I'm sorry. I don't know anything right now."

"I get that," David sighs. "But I just need some sort of timeline here. Do you need a couple of hours? A day? Will you be there for voir Dire? Are you even on the case legally anymore?"

"I don't know. I just...don't know."

X

"Is your steak too rare?" Jake asks, whilst having some of his own in his mouth.

I shake my head. "My steak is fine."

"Then why aren't you eating it?"

I look down on my lap. Jake arrived in Los Angeles five hours ago yet it feels like he's been here for days. After we greeted each other in the hotel lobby, he didn't even step inside the hotel room. He rushed us to the Walk of Fame, then we took a guided bus tour along HollyWood. He wanted to also hike up to the HollyWood sign before dinner but that's where I drew the line. And now here we are, at a fine dining popular restaurant called 'Providence' in Melrose Avenue , me in a strapless plain silk black dress and him a sports jacket. The restaurant is really nice - nicer than any place I have been to since I arrived in LA. I mean, Jake and I fine dine all the time in DC, practically every night. But we run out of places since we do it so often and DC is so small. Providence is like many of those restaurants in DC - it's dim and it has tinted window, large gold chandeliers and some classic jazz music playing faintly. He hasn't mentioned the case and I am more than okay with that.

Even though I missed him and I am glad he's here, I must admit it's a little awkward between us. Yesterday was the biggest fight we've had in a long time. And it's caused some unspoken tension.

"My steak is fine," I repeat, sipping my red wine. "What about yours?"

Jake nods at his almost empty plate. "My steak is good. Wonderful, even. But what really makes my but is finally being with you again."

I give him a funny look. It's literally been less than a week. But I smile anyway, because I know he means well and he's being genuinely caring and honest. I take his hand. "Thank you, Jake."

He nods and raises his glass. "To us."

"To us," I repeat, clinking glasses with him. I take a sip, not quite understanding how I have the audacity to look him in the eyes. I cheated on him. Emotionally and physically. He's my fiancé and I slept with another man. I'm a cheater. I just let that sink in.

"So," Jake clears his throat, interrupting my self pitying thoughts. "I got to thinking on the plane ride over here...we should get married soon, don't you think? I mean, I know that that's what we were planning. But sooner. Much sooner."

I chuckle nervously. What is he getting at? "How soon are you talking about?"

Jake licks his lips. He's just as nervous as I am. "Soon, Olivia."

I lean back and stare at my fork and steak knife. Why is he acting like this? Why is he rushing this? Does he know about the cheating? Does he somehow believe that tying the knot will mean that that situation will go away? Strangely enough, I am not all that worried. If he knows, he knows. I'll deal with it some. I've dealt with a tremendous amount of things in the last twenty hours. What's one more? I just wish he would ask me point blank if I cheated. I think I would tell him the truth.

What have I got to lose at this point?

"Is there a reason you're suddenly rushing this?" I ask casually.

"I'm not rushing this," Jake insists softly. "You're my fiancé. We want to get married. We will get married. Why not sooner?"

"The case," I begin, a lie. I am not even thinking about the case, which is absolutely unfair to Fitz. Then again, I am not thinking of Fitz, so that makes it slightly easier. I honestly have no idea where I stand with it. The process of jury approval begins in just a few days and if I am not there, I am officially not his lawyer. And I know that even without me, David would hire someone and work hard himself to win this case. He knows as much as I do that Fitz deserves that.

Making me and spectators flinch, Jake slams his palm on the white tablecloth. "Enough about the case, Liv!"

I raise my eyebrows. "Jake, calm down! I never said I would leave the case. I'm taking a break. And can we not talk about this? It's not the time or place..."

"Then what is?" Jake demands, getting angry now. "You're selfish. You're being an inconsiderate, patronizing, bitch."

I look down, but I can still feel people's eyes on us. By the the of his voice, I wouldn't be surprised if he actually leaned across the table and hit me. This is so unlike him. He's usually so mellow, so timid. He despises fighting. And even though it was strange having such a quiet boyfriend, I would trade him any day for this pissed off, aggressive fiancé.

Jake is not the same person I left in DC.

But I guess I'm not either.

X

I know I said I wouldn't think about Fitz. Yet here I am, at ten o'clock PM on my hotel balcony, a glass of red wine in my hand, watching traffic swing by me, replaying last night in my head. Over. And. Over. Again.

He has to be okay. If he's not okay, I don't know what I could do with myself. He deserves it. Fitzgerald deserves peace. Even in prison.

What hurts the most is that he didn't do it. I know he didn't do it. But I can't go to the court and jury and describe my 'gut feeling' to them. That, and I can't go if Jake doesn't let me. He won't let up on this and I don't want to loose him. I love him. I know that that sounds whorish, as I was just with Fitz last night. And I get that sounds bipolar, as I hated the way we were acting towards each other just a few hours ago. But i have been with Jake for a year. That's a long ass time and when you spend every day with a person for a year, you connect in a certain way. Time is so important. I can't throw a relationship and potential marriage just like that.

"Liv," Jake appears in the frame of the sliding door. This time, I don't ignore him.

"What do you want, Jake?"

"I want you to come to bed with me," he sounds apologetic but I am really not fucking ready to hear this.

I sigh, still not turning to look at him. "Depends. You gonna apologize for yelling at me?"

"Yes," Jake replies after a beat. "But I will not take back what I said. No more case, Olivia. It...changed you. I barely recognize you anymore. And it has obviously taken a very emotional toll on you. I don't care what you say at this point, Olivia. You will not work on this case as long as you are my fiancé."

"But-"

"I know," his voice cuts through the noise of the ongoing traffic. "I know you slept with someone else."

X

Four Months Ago

"That was ridiculous." Jake can't stop laughing long enough to catch his breath. The same goes for me. We just spent the last half hour at a Easter concert at the national mall and the unknown, barely recognized band was horrible. And I don't mean a little off-key, a little unprepared horrible. I mean formed-in-parents-garage-junior-year-of-high-school horrible. They were so bad, it was actually really funny.

"I just realized," I pull over to the side and sit on a bench, facing towards the Lincoln Memorial about a hundred feet away. He catches my drift and sits next to me, watching for me to catch my breath. "We bond through really crappy things."

"What do you mean?"

"Like the first time we meant," I reach up and pull a lock of dark brown hair by his forehead. "You paid for my tea and we spent the next half ranting about customer service in the DMV. We talk shit. It's how bond."

"It's not how we BOND," Jake argues, but he's grinning. "I mean, maybe it is. It's not a bad thing."

I pick up his arm and pull it around me, even though it's burning hot. I just want to be close to him. I love him. I don't think I'll ever love anyone other than him. I definitely never loved anyone before him. Not like this. "No, it's not a bad thing, baby. I never said it was. I love you."

"Mrs. Olivia Ballard," Jake mumbles in my hair. "Getting affectionate? Someone call CNN."

I laugh. "I can be affectionate. And it's Olivia Pope, mind you."

"A guy can dream, right?"

"I love you," I repeat, chuckling.

And I do. I really do.

X

That still stands. Yeah, in the beginning, we were in a honeymoon stage even before we were married. We were in a fantasy. Like kids in love. And we are still in love, which makes me incredibly guilty about sleeping with Fitz. But I won't deny that I felt something with Fitz. Something beyond the physical, sexually attracted part. It was something deeper, some underlying emotion. It wasn't the lack of something I was supposed to feel with Jake. And it wasn't bored or lonely or horny. I was just there. And he was there. And it was wrong of us - so wrong that the feeling is incomparable. The feeling of guilt is.

And the hardest part is of is that I feel crazy. One hundred percent insane for feeling this way. For thinking it was more than just lust. Because I don't think he felt the same way. I don't know how he felt. Maybe it was just sex for him. He probably was bored, lonely and horny. He was definitely vulnerable. He was distraught. It meant probably nothing to him.

Nah, scratch that. The hardest part is that he's a good guy. He didn't do what everybody is saying he did. It's so frustrating. I know nothing about this case, I have nothing to help him with. He doesn't have an alibi, there's nobody else who would hurt them. A few days ago, I looked into the Harris Administration to see if they staged him for all this but their records are crystal clear. And accusing them would just be hearsay and speculation.

And Jake. I know it's frustrating for him. And I have no idea how we'll recover from this. I don't even know how he found out about the cheating. Does he know it was Fitz? I have no idea. That, and I have no idea how we'll get past it. But we have to. I have to try. I have to.

I don't feel good about it, but I know what I have to do. For me, for Jake, for us. I hope David won't give up on Fitz.

But I think I have to.