Chapter 2

(Morning)

Darry

"Ponyboy! Hurry up or you're going to be late for school!" I grabbed my lunch and thermos of water from the counter and was halfway out the front door when he finally shuffled out of the bathroom, his hair slicked back and styled in the exact way that Soda had always done his. "You need a ride, Kiddo?"

"Nah, Darry, you'll be late if you give me one. I figured I'd run this morning. I got time."

He wasn't in the right clothes for running, not with his dark jeans and t-shirt, but that had never mattered much to Ponyboy. He would have run all the way to church in his suit and tie if our momma had let him when we were little.

"Okay, well, I've got tomorrow off. You want to go to the movies or something?" I hated the movies, but Pony had been even more quiet since Soda left and I thought maybe going to see the show would cheer him up.

He looked at me curiously, and for a minute I thought he was going to tell me no, but then he nodded and smiled a little. "Sure, Darry…tomorrow."

That smile… It was a lot like Soda's, if you thought about it. Only Sodapop used his smiles on purpose…either to try to win you over in an argument or to get a girl or to try to get himself out of trouble. And it worked most of the time. Pony, he wasn't like that. His were natural. Sometimes they were big and could spark a joy so big inside of your soul that it was like the sun rising. It was like when a baby laughs big and deep and pure and without a reserve. Sometimes his smiles were small and just hinted that he was amused at something. Sometimes the corners of his mouth just turned up a little, and his nose would wrinkle. Mostly when he was trying to hide a smirk, or when he was trying to avoid getting into a spat with Steve but was secretly laughing at his expense. Sodapop had told me a thousand times that our little brother was different…that he felt things different than we did. I guess Soda thought I didn't notice, but I did. You could really see what Pony was feeling in his smile.

I wish now that I had paid more attention to that smile. Maybe I would have seen the sadness that he was hiding behind it. Maybe if I did, I wouldn't have left him there. Or I would have had a talk with him. Told him how much he meant to me, how proud I was of him. Maybe I would have crossed the room and pulled him to me…squeezed him until he broke down and confessed everything to me.

I know I would have told that him I loved him.

But I suppose I didn't pay enough attention.

The day was nice. Perfect, really. Warm, but not hot. Sunny. The kind of day that makes you happy just to step outside. The kind of day where the singing birds and blue skies told you that everything was right in the world.

The day was a liar.

And just like Ponyboy, it looked fine…good…beautiful…on the exterior. But everything below the surface was wrong. Hidden behind the sunshine was a billowing rainstorm waiting for its chance to be set free.

(Afternoon)

Two-Bit

"Yo, Steve-O, have you seen Ponyboy around?"

Evie was twirling one of Steve's curls on her finger when I found them, her hand massaging deep into the sides of his hair. Steve was doing his best to look like James Dean as he leaned up against the lockers. He had one hand thrown up carelessly, and his other was shoved into his pocket while he talked to Evie.

"No, Two-Bit, I ain't seen him." He rolled his eyes and crossed his arms, annoyed. "You think I'm his keeper or something? Kid's old enough to look out for himself."

"Knock it off, Steve. He's our buddy and I ain't seen him around. It ain't like him to miss school…"

Ponyboy wasn't like me. He didn't cut out on the regular.

"Look, I don't know where he is, okay? He's probably skipping with Curly Shepard or something." But even though he tried not to sound concerned, Steve pulled his cigarettes from his pocket and tapped them against his leg. He frowned. "We'll go over to the Curtis' after school, alright? See what is going on. But I ain't staying long. I got a date with Evie."

I keep thinking now that I should have left that minute. I should have just climbed into my old beater and driven over to their house right then. Maybe I would have seen him walking. Or got there before he left. Maybe I could have stopped him if I had.

But I didn't.

And when I saw Curly Shepard leavin' shop class later, I knew. I knew something was wrong.

And I still didn't leave. I told myself he was just sick. Or doing what any kid his age would do and was staying home to watch TV or walk downtown.

I told myself those were things Ponyboy Curtis would do, even if they weren't.

It took me and Steve more than forty-five minutes after school to get my car started and headed toward the Curtis', and he was still grumbling about how we could have walked faster when we came around the corner of their street.

"Oh shit!" Steve braced himself against the dash when I pressed the brake pedal to the floor.

Brakes work, I thought, and almost cracked a joke. But the words stuck like glue in my mouth. Or maybe they got sucked out with the air that got sucked out of my chest.

There were three police cars on the street in front of the Curtis house.

xxx

Two-Bit,

I guess you were right, huh? We really couldn't get along without Johnny. At least I couldn't. Without Dally neither.

I'm going to miss your stupid jokes. Don't stop telling them. You need to be there for Darry, okay? Take care of him. Tell him one of those jokes, even if he don't want to hear it and you don't want to tell it.

I'm sorry I lied to you and made you think everything was okay. I thought maybe if I pretended long enough then I really would be fine. I can't pretend no more, Two-Bit. Johnny told me one time that he couldn't take it anymore…that he wanted to kill himself. I didn't know what he was feeling then. I guess I thought that he just wanted to die, but now I see that's not what it was about. That ain't what he meant. It ain't about wanting to die, Two-Bit, it's about escaping. Escaping from something that you can't outrun any other way. It ain't selfish either. I don't think it's right that my thoughts aren't even mine anymore. Does that make sense? I ain't safe anywhere. Not when I sleep. Not in my own head. I can't even control what I'm thinking about. How can it be selfish to want myself back? This is the one thing that I can still control. It's all I got left.

You know, I thought telling Johnny that he had us for family would be enough. But now I know it ain't about that. I love you guys…You, Soda, Darry. I even kind of like Steve, but don't tell him I said that. He'd probably just tell you to shut up about it anyway. And I know you all care about me. But it ain't about that. It ain't about you. You hear me? It ain't about you. It's not because you didn't tell enough jokes or because you'd tell me to shut my mouth if I was saying something stupid.

I'm sorry I didn't say nothing to you until now, but you've been my best friend since Johnny died and you've always been a real good pal. You had my back more times than I deserved, and I can't tell you how many times you saved me without even knowing it.

Do you remember that time last year when you hit me with your car after the brakes went out (again)? Darry was so mad, but you and me laughed for hours. You always have been crazy. I miss that. I miss feeling happy like that, but I sure remember having those times with you. I wish I could have got back to feeling that way again.

Thanks again Two-Bit, it's been a time.

Your Buddy,

Pony

Steve

Hey Steve. By now you've probably heard, and I bet you're real mad at me. I can almost hear you calling me a 'stupid Kid,' but you better not say that around Darry or Soda for a while. Heck, even Two-Bit. I don't think they'll take that too well. I think you might even end up missing me. Or at least miss having someone to boss around and give a hard time to.

I bet you didn't expect to get a letter, either. Well don't worry, I'll keep it short.

I know we never got on real well at all. Heck, I've barely even seen you after Soda left for Vietnam. But there's one thing I know I can count on you for, and that's being there for Soda. I probably don't even got to ask, but I'm going to anyway. Will you take care of Soda for me?

Thanks Steve. I'll see you around.

-Ponyboy