Halo
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A/N-thank you very much to everyone who kindly reviewed the last chapter.
Chapter Twenty-An Honest Conversation
"Rey, we need to talk…." Kylo began.
"Me first." Rey cut in. Her happy smile extended right to her eyes, twinkling with excitement. Kylo couldn't help but reciprocate, his smile limited to his mouth, unsure of what to expect next and wary of being drawn into a conversation that would put off what he needed to say. "First I want to thank you for risking everything to come and rescue me."
"You don't need to thank me, Rey." Kylo felt awkward, he didn't feel worthy of her gushing praise. "You saved me first, remember."
"Its not the same. You risked your life to…"
"And you risked yours to nurse a stranger." Kylo interrupted her.
"And it was worth it because I got to meet you." Rey's bright smile faltered when she finally saw the agony reflected back at her from his expressive dark eyes. "Wasn't it?"
"Yeah, it was definitely worth it." Kylo's voice was tight with strain. "But you see there's so much you don't know about me."
"I want to…. if you'll let me." Rey now felt nervous and unsure. She was beginning to think she had misread the situation and was regretting the hasty decision to speak.
"You might change your mind about that after you hear what I have to say." Kylo said in defeat.
A heavy silence settled over them, thicker than the uneasy tension in the atmosphere. Unsettled eyes glanced unceremoniously around and tried to avoid catching each other's glances. Now that he had started, Kylo didn't think he had the courage to continue. He wanted to go back to the moment she had first woken up and blessed him with that precious smile. He didn't want to shatter her faith in him. She was the only one who had any left.
Rey began to pick nervously at the thin hospital gown she was wearing. Her jubilant mood had vanished under the weight of Kylo's melancholy. She was suddenly afraid to hear what he had to say, but if she was honest with herself, she knew what was coming.
"Rey." Kylo finally broke the tense silence. He felt breathless when Rey's intense gaze settled on him with unrestrained curiosity. Her eyes were the color of milk chocolate edged with a deep forest-green. He drowned in them. "I'm sorry."
"Why are you sorry?"
Kylo went pale, his jaw tight and strained as he held her gaze for a few seconds longer. Reluctantly he tore his eyes away from her and glanced down at the two sabers attached to his belt. He removed them both and held them out to Rey. Her eyes widened slightly in recognition and she drew in a sharp breath.
"That's the saber we found in Maz's castle." She said uneasily before her attention drifted to the other, more uniquely designed weapon. "And that…." She paused, swallowing thickly. "Rose told me that blade belongs to Kylo Ren. Why do you have it?"
Breathing that usually came so naturally, now seemed a struggle. He took it for granted until his ribs became steel traps. The words were forced out of him as he finally admitted the truth. "It belongs to me. I'm Kylo Ren."
Kylo knew the next few words that Rey spoke would either pass as a blip in the course of his life, or they would be the final trauma that broke him. The fear thoughts looped around in his mind until there was no room for anything else. When Rey looked at him there was a feeling in his gut that said, "no," but another in his heart that said, "yes." He decided in that moment that whatever the outcome if he didn't fight to find the courage to do what was right for her then he was a coward. He had chosen to be brave instead of being the puppet of his fear. That had to mean something.
"I think I always knew." Rey admitted tentatively.
"You did?" Kylo raised his eyes cautiously to hers.
"Yes…I just didn't want to admit it to myself." Though there was fear in her chest, there was none in her heart, she couldn't equate the fact that Ben Solo and Kylo Ren-with his fearsome reputation-were the same person. "During your fever, when I asked you what your name was, you didn't seem to know-you kept veering between Ky and Ben. That's why I mistook your name for Kyben." She sighed at the memory. Her eyes were liquid gold as she looked back at him sadly. "Do you know who you are now?"
Kylo breathed shallowly. He was scared. So damn scared to say the wrong thing. "I'm lost, Rey." His earnest admission cost him, but it was the truth, raw and untamed. "But I want you to know that this is me trying."
"I believe you. I appreciate you being honest with me."
Kylo's breath seemed to stutter in his lungs before he let it go, feeling the tension drain from his body. His breathing returned to normal and he felt his eyes turn glassy with unshed tears of relief. "Thank you." He said huskily.
The three most powerful words in the world are "I believe you." Rey couldn't have picked a better way to show her faith in him. Kylo felt a little light pierce the darkness of his melancholy. No one had ever given him that solace before. He was used to being judged and found guilty, even when he hadn't done anything wrong. Skywalker had set the pattern, the night he had decided to murder his nephew in his sleep.
"Can I get you anything?" Kylo asked solicitously. "Are you thirsty? You must be hungry- "
"Ben." Rey hastily interrupted him.
She was still calling him Ben.
Kylo wanted to hug her in gratitude, but he remained rooted in place, afraid to overstep some invisible boundary. "Yes." He said instead. His nerves were frayed to the quick. In his building anxiety he constructed elaborate rationalizations for why everything would turn out alright, but still the nagging voice in the back of his mind spoke of nothing but doom ahead.
"What I really need is some space." Rey said carefully.
"Okay."
"It's just a lot to process." She tried to explain.
"Yeah, whatever you need." Kylo's anxiety sat just below his smile as he rose to his feet. He reached for his cross-guarded saber and clipped it back onto his belt.
"You forgot that one." Rey gestured toward the hilt of the legacy saber-the one that had once been wielded by the Jedi, Anakin Skywalker, and later by his son, Luke Skywalker.
"It belongs to you." Kylo found himself saying.
"No. I don't want it." Rey stated adamantly as she cowered away from the legendary saber.
"It called to you, Rey. Not me." Kylo reminded her gently. "The Force flows strongly through you. You don't need to be afraid. When you're ready to talk again, come find me."
As he turned to leave, he nearly tripped over BB-8, who had been a silent witness to their conversation. Kylo's cheeks flushed as he stared down at the little astromech for a full minute, before charging out of the room. BB-8's dome head swiveled in the direction he had gone, then returned to Rey, who had been watching their interaction with a sad smile.
"Go after him, BB-8. He could really use a good friend right now." She urged the droid gently. BB-8 let out a low whistle. "I'm fine. Please go after him, BB-8. It would set my mind at ease."
The faithful little droid didn't need asking twice. Without any more hesitation he rolled out of the room, hurriedly following in Kylo's wake.
As Kylo ventured outside the base he found the weather had taken a turn for the worse. Rain conjured a sweet pattern upon his skin, the thousands of liquid globes reflecting the greenery of nature. It was cooling, a welcome shower to add to the senses. It made him feel more alive than any manmade high ever could. So as the clouds gathered, he could feel his soul stir, the air electrified as it anticipates the quenching storm.
Kylo admired the picturesque view in front of him. The rain brought with it a richness to each hue, the browns deepened in a way that soothed his heart, bringing a steadiness to his soul just like Rey's words had- "I believe you," she'd said. The grass was glossy, reflecting the light, adding a new bright shine to their wands, softly waving in the breeze. The rain brought a freshness, each drop a heaven-given gift for each part of creation. Kylo raised up his hand, tilting his face toward the sky, feeling water and sunshine together. As he did so, a song stirred within his heart, one that feels as if it means "thank you" and "love" all at once. Perhaps this is joy, a happiness that feels pure, he thought. Rey had brought him that.
Kylo was broken out of his quiet introspection by something brushing against the side of his leg. He glanced down, his thick lashes heavy with water droplets, to find BB-8 beside him. "What are you doing here?" He asked in surprise.
The little droid let out a low whistle and a series of beeps in his binary language. "Being a friend." He said.
A/N-thanks for reading. Please review.